Due to request, the Rashomon deadline has been extended to Monday.
Back, by popular demand, Bingo the Monkey...
The Second (And Final) Installment of "Oops I Pooped In Your Bed" By Bingo The MonkeyThe moment that I woke up, I knew something was wrong. I wasn't in my moo cow pajamas and I was surrounded by someone else's pink and purple pillows. The only memory from the night before was this noise that would make children want to move to the mountains of Tibet, just to get their hearing back. I decided to try and get out of there, but that was when I heard that high pitched lightning fast noise again, and I couldn't move, let alone think. My ears were bleeding; I had a monster 1,420 calorie hang over.
"Stop it!! Stop it, I'll tell you anything you want to know!!" It was torturous and I decided to cooperate as a way of getting out of this situation. First they had left me on a psychedelic doll house bed, and then they had used their ultimate weapon- "the squeal."
"Oh my freakin' god, how did it get inside my trailer? That is like, the smartest rabbit I've ever seen." One of its tall huge buddy guards leaned over and whispered, "Uh, Brit it's a monkey." It responded back, "I totally fucking knew that, I was just kidding. God, you must think I'm soo like stupid and stuff. But I'm not, I like read Glamour and Marie Claire, and they have a lot of social issues in them, like `how to enter a room and get everyone's attention without even saying anything."
"Yo, and Brit knows how to do that dog, she just gets everyone's attention by not wearing nothin." This comment came from the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, she had perfect skin, nice jewelry, and the shortest hair a woman could have. She walked in wearing workout clothes, covered in sweat.
"Oh my god, Justin you're here finally," It said.
"Yo baby you know I got's ta workout everyday for like six hours so that I can have these rock hard abs and still weigh less then you. I was working on my dance moves in between sets of crunches. Let's get things started on you're MTV show, I gots to get back to the gym in like three hours."
For the next hour I watched the scantily clad boy in a wig shake his ass and lip synch to a song about people trying to be free from slavery. The pretty girl came over and said, "Yo dog you got to work on your routine, your part is coming up soon."
"I can't understand you," I told her, and I couldn't, I didn't understand any of them, they all spoke different languages. Half of them spoke what I started to refer to as the "yo dog" dialect and the other half spoke the "oh my god like" dialect.
"Yo dog why you gotta dog me like that dog?" `She' said in response.
"I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, I SPEAK ENGLISH, AND I'M A MONKEY DAMN IT, NOT A DOG!!" I yelled at her, even though I didn't want to because she was so pretty.
"Yo B," Justin yelled at his boyfriend Britney, "This monkey is wack."
"Oh my god like, little monkey dude are you okay? Do you need like a frappachino or something?" I pondered this question, having caught three of the words in the entire sentence. "Beer,whiskey,vodka,gin,brandy,cognac,port,wine,wine coolers, I'll even drink a bottle of triple sec if you've got one. It only hurts for a while."
He looked at me with his big brown eyes, while his girlfriend Justin looked at me with her big blue eyes, "Like, alcohol will make you fat, and like I only am allowed to drink it on the weekends and then I have to work out on Sundays for like four hours straight. But, I do have this." He handed me a small silver can and said, "It will so totally make everything better, and if you want anything to eat, there's some like cheetios in my trailer."
I drank the contents of the can, and then another, and then another, and then another, and then I ate the cheetios, and then I had another can of the magic elixir. It was awesome. But I did freak out and trash the place for thirty minutes. I tried to pull off Britney's hair, but it turned out that it wasn't a wig. I tried to convince Justin to grow her hair out, but she wasn't a girl after all, go figure she was too pretty to be a guy. After tearing up the place, I sat in the corner shaking uncontrollably while J.T. tried to talk to me.
"Dude yo you need to relax dog."
"I'm not a dog damn it. Why can't you see that?" I cried, letting all the tears flow.
"Please, just get me more of those little cans, I just need a few more and I'll be okay." I started to rock back and forth, and this continued, it helped ease the cravings, and kept me from pacing the room like an OCD freak looking for something to clean.
"I can't stop rocking my body," I told Justin. He looked at me, and then jumped up, spun around grabbed his crotch and did the robot towards me. "Yo dog you just gave me an idea for a song yo for my debut album."
"That's great but ah, number one, I'm a fucking monkey, number two, I pooped under the purple bed and found these while I was down there." I handed Justin a stack of photos that must have been taken the night before, because it was of me and Britney. In the first one she's feeding me cheetios, but I keep spitting them in her face. In the second one she's wearing a scream mask and humping my leg, the look on my face is the same face I made when I found out that Rage Against the Machine was splitting up, it's a really sad face. In the last picture, she's trying to stick her orange tongue down my throat.
"Yo, I can't believe she'd do this to me. We've been together for like," He tried to count it out on his fingers, but got lost, "Yo for like ever dog."
"That's too bad, cause I'm gonna take her unusually tight ass to court."
Justin then went and talked to Britney, I tried to listen to the conversation but I was busy trying to shove all the Red Bull's into a bag before getting out of there fast.
"Yo Britney, you don't have to tell me what you did, yo I already found out from my dog Bingo." At this point the entire set crew laughed, and I just flipped them off and said, "Yeah, that's great laugh it up meat heads. Laugh at the monkey with a dog's name."
Britney looked at J.T. puffed on a fag and said, "Okay, like I'm sorry Justin. It was only like, a kiss, it's not like I had sex with him."
("Damn," I thought, "I was this close to losing my virginity, even if it was with a she-male.") "I mean, I was like really drunk and he was like even drunker and it just happened okay, it's not like a big deal, just get over yourself, you're just a guy in NSYNC and I'm fucking Britney Spears."
"Yo, Brit that hurts me, that hurts me, right here," He pointed to the right side of his chest. "I'm out dog. You'll see, I'll be bigger then you. I'll put out my own record, and date older women and I'll be a bigger star then you, I'll," Justin was crying so hard at this point that I could hardly hear him, and it didn't help that I had shoved six cheetios in my ears to try and muffle the sound of Britney. "I'll, I'll, I'll be in a movie with Kevin Spacey!! Yeah, that's it; I'll be the best dog ever yo. And you'll just get married to some stupid guy who'll make you buy your own engagement ring!" And with that, he was gone. And so was I. Justin gave me a ride to the bus station and said, "See you dog. Thanks for showing me those pictures."
"Yeah, if you thought those were bad, you should have seen the one's of her at a donkey show in Mexico." And with that, he rode off, and I sat on the curve, picking my nose, and eating cheetios out of my ears when who should pull up but George Clinton.
(Yeah, it's in a movie, but who do you think inspired the character Gutter?)
Posted by captainhoof
at 8:44 AM CST