A heartwarming tale to tide you over until the next installment of PTI is off the presses...
Cheers,
A.S.
Oops I Pooped in Your Bed: The Beginning
by Bingo the Monkey
Maybe I should start at the beginning. Not the "my mommy shot me out and the sun burned my eyes" beginning. The beginning of my being in the music industry. For me, it really is an industry, child labor laws don't apply to monkeys. I arrived in Los Angeles with the hopes of being in movies, or at least animal porn. Either way, people would know me, people would love me. And, I'd finally lose my virginity.
But I soon found that the mean streets of LA are even meaner to out of work monkeys. I couldn't find work anywhere! I applied for the "monkey needed ASAP" gig at the zoo and they told me that I just wasn't what they were looking for. Apparently there's this other monkey named Marcel that fucked it up for the rest of us trying to make it big. "Your too old, your too young, your too monkey-like," this were just a few of the rejections I got along the way. I felt like the Debra Winger of the primate world. I couldn't find work. But I could always find a tall drink of banana malt liquor.
My nights were spent dancing naked for change on Sunset Blvd, right next to a nice lady with a face hairy then mine who called herself "Honeydew". She let me keep 70% of everything I made. Then, everyday I'd drag myself into whatever dive I could find, throw my 35 cents onto the counter and say, "A thimble of banana malt." I'd be wasted before the first thimble was drained, and telling wild jungle stories before I puked in somebody's shoes, which happened every night.
On my sixth day in LA, and after my first shot, (man, those are big!) I was doing my "This ones for my homies" routine, which involved peeing on the floor and yelling "Biiiaaatchh," as loud and incoherently as I could. It made everybody laugh, until the door opened up and let the light in.
"My eyes!! Mommy my eyes!!" I cried out, or at least I think I did. It could have been Stutters the homeless guy that lives under the bar.
"Oh my god, I am like so sorry, I didn't even think, like ever." The voice was coming from the most beautiful looking man I had ever seen. He reminded me of Honeydew, strong, blonde, and wearing practically nothing.
He went on to say, "Yeah, like I'm doing a lip synch, I mean routine on MTV and it's like going to be totally wild and stuff cause like I'm going to wear this like amazing piece of cloth and like my hair is going to be soo totally awesome and like the dancers are going to be doing this thing and whatever, and like I decided all by myself that I'd be holding this big ass snake and than, my manager said why not find a monkey to be in the background?"
I couldn't understand a word of what he was saying, I could only hear the sound of gum being chewed as loud as possible, and this high pitched squealing noise that sounded like a chipmunk dying. I was too drunk too care what he said, so I just reached up and said, "When I drink too much I get diarrhea."
"Oh my god you are like soo fucking cute! Wait until JT hears what you said, he'll like totally fucking die." And with that I was lifted off my chair by some giant dude with a name like "Skinny" or "Puppy" and thrown into the back of a white limo....
Posted by captainhoof
at 11:06 AM CDT
