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Rance wuz here...
Saturday, 26 June 2004
A Short(y) followed by a Double Feature
Below are the two more winners in the Angelina Jolie As President and Eleanor Roosevelt movie pitch essay contests. Pitchers Rick Suvalle and seakrits each receive ten DVPs (Dodge Viper Points) redeemable towards either a brand new Dodge Viper or (a new blog feature!) a keg. Congrats, Rick and seakrits.

First, from vacation in New Jersey:

"The stuff I'm up to list"

by Shorty

1 Hoagie Haven fo cheesesteaks
2 The Bronx to deliver some souvenirs from the Netherlands
3 Check out a few (strip)clubs in NYC
4 Drink as many mixed drinks as I can handle (I'll probably pass out)
5 Shop til I drop
6 See if the NY men are really that qute

More sugestions are welcome.....

Shorty

And now the featured attractions....
HAIL TO THE QUEEF

by Rick Suvalle
E-Mail: hansolo@earthlink.net

We open in an America on the heels of Judgment Day - terrorism is rampant, gas prices are through the roof, Roe vs. Wade is on the verge of being overturned and television and radio broadcasts are forced to implement a fifteen second delay in the event SpongeBob SquarePants decides to show a little too much sponge for the Right's liking...

Enter Angelina Jolie, a stripper with a heart of gold (I know, is there any other kind?) Since the cost of showing her breasts on screen would be prohibitive we'd license footage from that lesbian model flick she did and deftly insert a few money shots. Anyway...

As fate would have it, it's an election year and the Democratic candidate for President has a penchant for strip clubs. To make a long story 250 words or less, our candidate has a heart attack in the midst of one of Angelina's famous $14 lapdances. Now the Democratic National Committee must scramble to find a new candidate. With America in such a state of moral confusion someone in the DNC jokes that they should nominate the stripper. It gets a chuckle, but hey, this close to the election they're gonna lose anyway, so why the hell not?

Cut to six months later: Angelina kicks the incumbent's ass to become the first female President. Granted incumby did start a war and run up the national debt. But to Angelina's credit, she did offer her voters two-for-one lapdances if elected.

******

UNTITLED ELEANOR ROOSEVELT PROJECT

By seakrits
E-Mail: dontthinkillgiveyoumy@emailaddress.com

As I know virtually nothing about Eleanor Roosevelt except for the fact that she was a closeted lesbian, I propose the following summer blockbuster (keep in mind while reading that I am lacking in the creativity department):

Eleanor Roosevelt is a well-known phlebotomist, but not-so-well-known time traveler. The bullet that shot Abraham Lincoln was actually intended for Mary Todd (Booth was Mary's drug dealer), but Eleanor held a grudge against Abe for having an affair with her best friend's sister's daughter's boyfriend's aunt, "Elizabeth", and for creating Mary Todd into an opium addict. She went back in time and knocked Booth's elbow while he wasn't looking and Abe suffered the gunshot wound instead of Mary Todd. (this is a subplot in the greater script.)
Enter Angelina Jolie as Hepzibah Scrufflefeathers, a dear friend of Eleanor's and also a crime-fighting machine. When she finds out what Eleanor is up to, she confronts her and warns against using her powers to her advantage and changing the course of history. Eleanor doesn't listen and Hepzibah is forced to have a showdown with her dear friend, ending in a long drawn-out girl-on-girl fight scene where there is a lot of hair-pulling and shirt-tearing and Eleanor bites it in the end. So sad. Lots of sniffles and wailing ensues.

Ends with the music video for Gwar's cover of "My Heart Will Go On."



Posted by captainhoof at 6:01 AM CDT
Updated: Saturday, 26 June 2004 5:05 PM CDT
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Tuesday, 15 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: Whale Hunter Gus Openshaw
Blog of a guy whose wife, kid and arm were eaten by a sperm whale and is now out for revenge:


http://blubberybastard.tripod.com/blog/



ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES (added 6/18):

Rance will resume posting and replying to comments next week, if not sooner.

Eleanor Roosevelt/Angelina Jolie essays will be posted as well. There were nearly one thousand submissions, and the judges are now in the final stages of deliberation.

CW, please provide a link or more specific information (it won't be posted).

Have a nice weekend,

The Administrative Staff

Posted by captainhoof at 4:00 PM CDT
Updated: Friday, 18 June 2004 3:04 PM CDT
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Friday, 11 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: Waxwing
Name: waxwing
Comment: Option Two

It was many and many a day ago,
In Los Angeles County,
That we pitched a film with a star you know
Who's named Angelina Jolie;
And this star will have for a costar we thought
A man known as Billy Bob T.

She will be President and he is the Veep
In a drama shot in DC.
And they will face strife in their public life
With agents from M.I.B.
Who doubt with a doubt they are sure about
That Earthlings these two may be.

We'll have cameos by Kennedys,
And Bush kin by bushels,
To counter the audience ennui,
And have Clintons providing
The faux-comic relief aided
By Monica Lewinsky.
And the UFO known as the Capitol Dome
Will figure most prominently.

The UFO Dome will take the pair home
(In the sequel they return to Earth),
And the UN will grow to count planets we know
And include Jolie's planet first.
Billy Bob will play a good guy by day
But by night a quite different part.
And the public will buy it and never deny it
Because artifice lies in his art.

Please don't say no, give us your dough
To make this new Jolie movie,
For we have a heart and will promise a part
To our buddy (R-a-n-c-e).
People have paid to see Croft and Slingblade
A film starring both will win Acks,
With aliens and politics and beauty and beasts
And nothing to do with dull facts.

June 9th is Johnny Depp's birthday, and waxwing wishe/s/d Sparrow peace and joy and appreciation for his arts. You give what you can and take nothing back. Thank you.


Posted by captainhoof at 6:40 PM CDT
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Thursday, 10 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: Robyn
Name: Robyn **essay entry**
E-Mail: Themkickingpoe@aol.com
Eleanor Roosevelt Movie Pitch

THE MUMMERS
Eleanor creates a team of young women to work in the white house and create positive change in America. No one takes them seriously because they're women in the 1940's. Their work amounts to the duties of Miss America. Eleonor considers giving up, but then Franklin (played by Angelina Jolie) lectures her about the power of womenhood... so she demands for them a job of importance. Eleanor convinces him to let them be spies. They get trained as pickpockets, thieves, etc. (good opportunity for a montage). First mission: they pretend to be girl scouts and intend to recover info from Italy's Admiral Cagnari. One of the girls, Violet ( a Scarlett Johanson type), veers from the plan and has sex with Cagnari. While he's sleeping she gets the info. Back at the White House, she's nonchalant about it. The girls don't have any problem using their body to help America. Eleanor questions herself and freaks about conforming to the roles of women. She suspends Violet and intends to transfer her. Then, right before the *big job*, one of the girls dies of tetanus. Sad and depressed, Eleanor rehires Violet. They have a big emotional talk where it's revealed that Eleanor met Franklin when she slept with him to manipulate him on some issue. They barely pull off the big job (involving horny nazis they don't end up screwing). Eleanor gets a cool hair cut and they all get secret medals, putting them in perfect position for Part 2..."FEMI-NINJAS"


****
Administrative Notes:

Waxwing's post and several comments were inadvertently wiped out. Waxwing, if you'll re-post it, we will. We are working to correct this otherwise. Rance will be sending a postcard this weekend from China and/or the Hamptons.

---Administrative Staff.

Posted by captainhoof at 8:20 PM CDT
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Friday, 4 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: ginny
Name: ginny
URL: http://www.blogula-rasa.com
E-Mail: ginny@midrange.com

Question: What would you do if given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Ginny's response:

I'm just an ordinary female member of the flyover-state
moviegoing public. I like movies where:

Stuff blows up.
Stuff blows up in space.
Smart people figure out how not to blow up (often in space).
Smart people say smart things so fast you need instant replay.
When the swords come out, the shirts come off (except in space).
The funny-looking girl gets the guy with the swords.
Bad guys come in shades of grey.
Good guys ultimately prevail, but get all dirty and sweaty.
Sometimes, the hero is a woman. She can still get all dirty and sweaty.


Here are some arbitrary and wholly draconian rules...

1. Under no circumstances is Mel Gibson allowed within 50 feet of an exploding blood pack. He also may no longer die heroically in the last reel.

2. Everyone working at Fox Studios must keep a classic book that could never be made into a movie on their bedside table, and be able to discuss it in the commissary.

3. Say yes, and mean it, to people who do good work. Say no, and explain why, to people who do crap work. Fire all posers.

4. At least one in every three movies must be made for smart people. Movies for dumb people at least have to be intelligently plotted and cast. Then smart people can enjoy movies with their dumb friends.

That's all.



ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES:

1. The recent delay in the posting of comments is due to the extremely high volume submitted and the new rules instituted as to which get posted.

2. Expect another postcard from Rance soon.

Have a nice weekend,

The Administrative Staff


Posted by captainhoof at 4:31 PM CDT
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Wednesday, 2 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: Mrs. Norman Maine
Name: Mrs. Norman Maine
URL: http://www.epinions.com/user-mrsnormanmaine
E-Mail: missvickilester@hotmail.com

Rance, my darling boy:

What would I do if I had the opportunity to run Fox studios for a year? Norman and I actually had executive positions at Warner's for a brief period some years ago so I feel like I can really address this issue from an insiders perspective.

-Greenlight more musical properties. There's not a person in America who doesn't need more tap dancing chorines in their life.

-Approve projects for the surviving members of old Hollywood. A new Kathryn Grayson/Jane Powell/Howard Keel picture should have lines around the block.

-Find an appropriate project for my fabulous, Oscar winning talents. I'm thinking perhaps a new musical version of 'Slaughterhouse Five' with me in the Valerie Perrine role or 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' with me as Nurse Ratched. Of course, I'll only be willing to do the latter if I can appear in stunning Bob Mackie creations rather than that white twill laundry bag Louise Fletcher had to endure.

-Pair our great directors with great musical properties. I am desperate for Tim Burton's version of 'Sweeney Todd', Quentin Tarantino's 'Assassins' and Steven Spielberg's 'Ragtime'.

-Pair aging, but respected actresses with up and coming young men to further increase their desirability and sex appeal. For instance, Jake Gyllenhaal and Susan Sarandon in a new musical version of 'From Here to Eternity'.

-Have Catherine Martin of Bazmark become the house costume and art direction czar for all projects.

-Roll back above the line costs by using talented, but cheaper names so that a family of four will not need to take out a second mortgage to attend a matinee.

-Tap into the population over the age of forty for an audience demographic. There are huge numbers of them starved for quality entertainment and they control more discretionary income than teenage boys.

Fondly,

MNM

Posted by captainhoof at 6:18 PM CDT
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Thursday, 27 May 2004
Guest Bloggist: Jacob
Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Name: Jacob
URL: http://www.yankeefog.com
E-Mail: yankeefog@yankeefog.com


If I were in charge of Fox, I would hire creative and talented writers, directors, and actors, and then I would leave them alone and let them do their jobs.

Hahahaha!

Hahaha!

Ha!

No, seriously, what I'd really do is, I'd buy a beautiful, sensitive script that speaks honestly about love, and then I would ask the writer to put in fart jokes, and when he resisted, I would decide he was "written out", so I'd bring in a guy whose work I've never actually read but who once worked in the business office of the Harvard Lampoon, and I'd have him do a punch up. Then I'd use that script to attract an aging action star who is smart enough to know that the public doesn't want to see him do action anymore, and he wants to broaden his range, which is why he is attracted to this script. His one objection is the fart jokes, which seem to spoil the mood of the film, and I agree with him completely, and promise to fire the writer who put them in. Once this actor is onboard, I would bring in another writer to make the script just like every other action movie this star has done. Then I'd attach a director who directed a really great Pepto-Bismal spot. Two days before production started, when the star finally looked at the shooting script and realized that it wasn't the sensitive and honest film he thought he was signing on for, I'd listen to his concerns with complete sympathy and agreement, and then respond to them by firing the director. In his place I would put somebody whose work I had never seen, but who went to USC (either the film program or the school of hotel management, I forget which) and therefore must be good.

When the film tanks, because the action star was right about the fact that audiences do not want to see him in yet another fart-joke-filled, derivative action movie, I will shrug, sigh, and point out that I did everything I could. I attached a big name star to the project, hired not just one but two promising young directors, and, above all, had three seperate writers polishing the script, which of course makes the script three times as good as one written by a single author. Hey, who can predict the audience?

About myself: I am Barbra Streisand's former hairdresser.

Posted by captainhoof at 10:52 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, 27 May 2004 10:54 PM CDT
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Tuesday, 25 May 2004
Guest Bloggist: Grace
Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Name: Grace
URL: http://jedimasterbtch.tripod.com/mindlessramblingblog/

Sample beginning: "I am a Canadian public servant who's one step closer to ruling the world."

1. Ban any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with women that had no relevance to the plot.
2. Approve any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with men regardless of its relevance to the plot.
3. Add gratuitious naked scenes with men to movies that had no gratuitious naked scenes in the script.
4. Have Colin Farrell added to above mentioned scripts.
5. Should Colin not be available, add Eric Bana.
6. Have Colin Farrell and Eric Bana do a gratiutious naked scene with the new president of Fox Movies.
7. Beat the charges of sexual harassment.
8. Enter rehab and find the root of my obsession with being naked with above said people and also find out why I turned an allegedly legitimate studio into my own personal porno company.
9. Ban the consumption of budweiser or anything affiliated with the brand from all sets.
10. Let former president George W. Bush be in charge of all scripts. Since he's fabricated so much evidence, he should be good at fabricating plots.

Posted by captainhoof at 11:37 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 25 May 2004 11:42 PM CDT
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