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Rance wuz here...
Tuesday, 25 May 2004
Guest Bloggist: Grace
Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Name: Grace

Sample beginning: "I am a Canadian public servant who's one step closer to ruling the world."

1. Ban any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with women that had no relevance to the plot.
2. Approve any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with men regardless of its relevance to the plot.
3. Add gratuitious naked scenes with men to movies that had no gratuitious naked scenes in the script.
4. Have Colin Farrell added to above mentioned scripts.
5. Should Colin not be available, add Eric Bana.
6. Have Colin Farrell and Eric Bana do a gratiutious naked scene with the new president of Fox Movies.
7. Beat the charges of sexual harassment.
8. Enter rehab and find the root of my obsession with being naked with above said people and also find out why I turned an allegedly legitimate studio into my own personal porno company.
9. Ban the consumption of budweiser or anything affiliated with the brand from all sets.
10. Let former president George W. Bush be in charge of all scripts. Since he's fabricated so much evidence, he should be good at fabricating plots.

Posted by captainhoof at 11:37 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 25 May 2004 11:42 PM CDT
Post Comment | View Comments (121) | Permalink

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 12:29 AM CDT

Name: ginny
Home Page:

Good one - rules 1-3 especially good. Rules 6-7 redeem rules 4-5. (YMMV) ;D
Rule 9 very good. Bud makes bad breath and other emanations.
Rule 10 - eeeeeeeeeeexcellent. Except: do not let him write dialogue ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H talking words for actors.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 12:29 AM CDT

Name: Cassie

Bravo Grace! Substitute Ewan MacGregor for Eric Bana (come on, you saw Trainspotting, right?!?!?!?!) and I'll submit my resume to be your Executive Assistant!

PS. Rance, does getting engaged over the weekend entitle me to Viper points, or is that wishful thinking???

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 12:35 AM CDT

Name: Queen Of Siam

"2. Approve any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with men regardless of its relevance to the plot.
3. Add gratuitious naked scenes with men to movies that had no gratuitious naked scenes in the script."

Heheheheh...Be still my beating heart. Wait a minute. Can the audience vote on which actor---I mean *cough* actors---will do those scenes before the movie is shot?

Nice one.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 12:50 AM CDT

Name: SuperTed
Home Page:

haha! i like it..i would do something along those lines, except replacing Colin Farrell with Angelina Jolie and Eric Bana with Shannon Sossyman(yeh i know i can't spell And to think that after all your meddling Fox would probably do better than it is now..

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 3:38 AM CDT

Name: Carrie

Grace rules. She should be published worldwide.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 4:00 AM CDT

Name: CuteCheek2Cap_i_tarn


How about asking all your followers/deciples... (wow sounding like you've your own cult now)...


Dont you hate it when you type something by the way & you accidentally delete it?

I gave this question some thought just now, whilst down in my basement and to mind UP came:

Robert Downey Jnr
Robert Redford
Richard Gere
My Sexy Guardian Angel
Brad Pitt
Anthony Hopkins
Anthony Robbins
Ben & Matt
Greg Kinnear

Hmmmm theres some women too......just cant quite put
my finger on it right now.........heheh

I'll update you on the WHY's later, need to go to my other
world of fantasy right now......Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anyway Im keen to read up on all your "posters" & whom they'd love to be really typing to & why, your end?

SWeET Dreams
CUTECheek ;)

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 5:27 AM CDT

Name: eggs

Why not just appropriate 10 mill from the coffers, pay each of these guys 5 mill and cut them a 2 picture, vanity vehicle, over the title, deal each in return for shagging your brains out for two weeks each? Wouldn't that meet your needs a little better, hmmm? I don't think you fully appreciate the power inherent to running a major studio.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 5:44 AM CDT

Name: sergeant small

Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Sample beginning:

"I'm a tanking (drunk), shanking (athletically deficient), midnight wanking (say no more) bloke from the arse end of the world who was born if not bred for this role. The rest, I am afraid you will need to take up with my assistant."

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 6:54 AM CDT

Name: melanie

That rules.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 7:11 AM CDT

Name: betty

This was great and just reconfirms my relief that I didn't try to be witty enough to submit an essay myself.

I think my very favorite part (other than the gratuitous male nude scenes) was the fact that grace's blog is called "jedimasterbitch!!"
Go on girl! Can't wait to go see some male full frontal.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 7:53 AM CDT

Name: turfgrrl

Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

My prespective as a biz dev person who toils on the east coase in a high tech industry.

1. Go through archives and release older films as DVDs. Thematic critera, boxed sets sort of deal.

2. Option Dashiel Hammet stories, and produce films.

3. Kill any project with Ben Affleck in it.

4. Ban any executive from ever speaking to a screenwriter.

5. Cut a deal with Pixar. Any deal.

6. greenlight any film skewering fox news, make sure no blowback.

7. option jack dubruhl's book.

8. create street team program via web.

9. kill any project whose slug line includes "like"

10. fire 73% of marketing staff, replace with interns.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 9:19 AM CDT

Name: Sass
Home Page:

Gracious!! (Oops, sorry)
I mean, gracious. (Said in a mature and somber tone)
Good going Grace. Bush would be good at fantasy.

Well, it's summertime and camp project time. So along with Rance's essay contest, the Sass staff has come up with something to keep bloggers busy during the hot months ahead.
(Special thanks to hut leaders from the windy city and that island to the south.)
Have at it.
It you get stumped on that project we may work with macaroni and construction paper.
But NO hot glue. Something tells not to let this group handle anything dangerous.



Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 10:54 AM CDT

Name: gidget bananas

"Add gratuitious naked scenes with men to movies that had no gratuitious naked scenes in the script."

Well done, Grace; very well done indeed!


Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 11:40 AM CDT

Name: Ay-non-ee-mus

Oooh uninformed Bush Bashing.. now that's atypical!

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 11:40 AM CDT

Name: Ay-non-ee-mus

Oooh uninformed Bush Bashing.. now that's atypical!

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 12:22 PM CDT

Name: pragakhan
Home Page: http://nah

Okay, the nudity topic keeps coming up and I posted on this

during the "Tuna" arc so perhaps If I repost, Rance you will

read it again and give me the answers I seek.

The important parts are quoted below

.....Anyhooo, I was browsing another site that any "sleb" should be familiar with,

And today's headline talked about the nudity rider in Linda Florentino's contract. I was wondering if you had a nudity rider in your standard contract ? And how you felt personally about doing nudity in a movie ?(I mean what's the point of going to the Gym that much if not in case of a future nude scene ?)

Personally, I thought Harvey Kietel was the bravest man to do full frontal male nudity(For Bad Lieutenant) And Sharon Stone for that know the one, all I remember is my Hollywood doppleganger (Wayne Knight, Seinfeld's Newman)questioning her, and her re-crossing her legs....

Hey Maybe you are Harvey Kietel ? If so I hope you like the compliment !.....(End quote)

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 1:01 PM CDT

Name: waxwing

On behalf of animals everywhere, thank you for leaving us out of this project.

Perhaps a year is overly long, but I should like to see what would result if you were given control of Fox for a month. What do you think? Good luck with the rehab, but only after you get your chance to earn the requirement for it. *smile*

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 3:17 PM CDT

Name: rich1524
Home Page:

Thanks, Gracie, for a lol list.

Rance, I keep promising myself I won't read you from work but yet here's another afternoon up in smoke. Keep up the good work!

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 3:33 PM CDT

Name: goodwillsidis

what's that sound? is that a swarm of cicadas?

no! it's thousands of clicking mouses deleting this blog from their "bookmarks"!

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 4:40 PM CDT

Name: Me
Home Page: http://it's gone

Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Sample beginning: "I am a Canadian public servant who's one step closer to ruling the world."

WoW that really is me...

Okay this is what I would do.

I would hire Grace so that she could suggest that I...

1. Ban any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with women that had no relevance to the plot.
2. Approve any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with men regardless of its relevance to the plot.
3. Add gratuitious naked scenes with men to movies that had no gratuitious naked scenes in the script.
4. Have Colin Farrell added to above mentioned scripts.
5. Should Colin not be available, add Eric Bana.
6. Have Colin Farrell and Eric Bana do a gratiutious naked scene with the new president of Fox Movies.
7. Beat the charges of sexual harassment.
8. Enter rehab and find the root of my obsession with being naked with above said people and also find out why I turned an allegedly legitimate studio into my own personal porno company.
9. Ban the consumption of budweiser or anything affiliated with the brand from all sets.
10. Let former president George W. Bush be in charge of all scripts. Since he's fabricated so much evidence, he should be good at fabricating plots.

I would also have her tell me who that Bana person was and remind me what Colin farrell ... wait, I just remembered... LOL ruff n' tuff bad boy, i remember who he is....... maybe there could be scenes with farrell and Bana with me as the whip girl, naw Gracey could be whip girl I'm a bit plump for the cameras.

I would also have lypo suction and expense it along with a breast & face lift (cuz I'm over 25 and need it).

I would get myself invited to a Sheen family dinner and see if Steve Martin liked fat chicks from Canada that spent their ONLY day off on the computer posting to a blog in hopes of someday owning a car. Oh wait, that reminds me, I would buy a bitching camaro so I could take my executive retards to the zoo!

Kiss kiss to you my little chew toy.
Psssst... tell me who you are, I swear I wont tell, chances are I wont even know who you are. I have NO cable t.V and No Time to watch movies and no time to read and I work work work and only visit 2 places on the net one of which is this blog so I really have no chance of outing you in anyway.

And don't sit there thinking that Im silly for thinking you might do just that and tell me, cuz really I don't care but here's my address if you decide you want to tell me and can't tell me cuz you don't email for fear of being found out ........

103... wait a minute, if i did that I would be a bit creepy and you wouldn't even consider considering telling me just to freak me out because you thought i really didn't care because of all that reverse psychology i used to try and confuse and trick you into wanting to tell me.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 4:53 PM CDT

Name: Claire
Home Page:

You speak my language girl!!!If you need a hand with any body doubles for Eric-Colin sandwich, just give me a yell, I'd be glad to help.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 4:58 PM CDT

Name: Cheryl

Right on, Grace. I always knew the Canadians were more evolved than we are. Reverse sexual's brilliant. Lord knows they're never going to stop harassing us, so this is the only logical conclusion, really. Where do we names when they get your coffee just right, inappropriate staring, mandatory skimpy outfits and really uncomfortable shoes...Are we onto something? Equality at last! Let's all be disgusting!

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 8:40 PM CDT

Name: Jess

I was reading a magazine this morning and there was this article all about you, and who you really are. And it got me interested, so I thought I would come check this out. But... if you are a celebrity, then why would you be doing this? Shouldnt you be out spending millions of dollars, or making movies?

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 8:48 PM CDT

Name: betty

Better than uninformed country-invading.

(*cut to Bush scratching his head in consternation: "but where ARE those Weapons of Mass Destruction, can you tell us, Ay-non-ee-mus??" ;)

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 8:56 PM CDT

Name: betty

hey, I'm not rance, but while you're waiting on his reply, I'll give you a reply from one female perspective. I am an actress who doesn't do nudity, and it drastically reduces the amount of roles I can get. more than once i have been offered a role which assured that there was no nudity and then had them try to get me to do it later.

but since i am a hypocrite, count me as another vote for male full frontal nudity.

ps, though I don't do nude, I personally go to the gym and do pilates for the same reason everyone else does: so i can look good (a) in clothes and (b) naked ... in front of the chosen few.

Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 10:08 PM CDT

Name: Starry

Grace, you go girl! I've been reading for a while now. Never commented, just a quiet observer (You gotta watch the quiet ones!) One small suggestion, replace Colin/Eric with Rance! However considering that his identity is top secret, that could cause just a minor problem :( Here's an idea for you though, you'll just have to get every desirable male hunk o' spunk naked! Hmmm this sounds like a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.

P.S. Sending my resume for that assistant's job!


Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 10:52 PM CDT

Name: Grace
Home Page:


I just came home, from a long day wasting the Canadian Taxpayers' dollars, did all the things one does upon arriving home and just finished submitting my application for yet a "bigger" and "brighter" job with the Government of Canada via e-mail and thought I'd unwind by catching up on the life that is Rance.

I must say I was floored to see I was given the honour of "Guest Blogger". I thought that since I never did see my submission it was one of those comments that was edited for offensive material. I mean we all know that Canadians are offensive people so it didn't really surprise me.

Thank you, everyone, for your comments and for sharing a laugh with me. Makes days like today, and surely the one tomorrow, that much more exciting to live.

Thank you Rance's editors for giving me this honour. I came to this blogging site late in the game but have enjoyed the read. It's a switch from the paper pushing reports I normally do.

To those who don't know who Eric Bana is SHAME ON YOU! He's the dude that made The Hulk a little bit tolerable and he was the eye candy that stole the eyes (of me anyway) from Brad's Achilles in Troy to Prince Hector of Troy. While I agree in general with comments posted about the movie, I have to say that the job Eric did as Hector was spectacular. But what do I know, I only scored a 98 on the civil service exam.

My only disappointment is that nobody visits my blog and comments!



Wednesday, 26 May 2004 - 10:58 PM CDT

Name: Bard

Every so often, a film visionary comes along who has the courage to stand proudly, defiantly, and scream "Look at these apples!" I consider myself lucky to be here, at this time, to share Grace's vision.

Here's hoping, Grace, that your tenure does not give a whole new meaning to the term "micro-management."

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 1:03 AM CDT

Name: Nangid

Long time reader, first time commenter... I am impressed at how well written and articulated your thoughts are, Rance... Grace, I really like idea #4. To the person who posted on who they wish Rance could be, I have only two words: Luke Wilson. I can pretend...

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 1:08 AM CDT

Name: ksquared

Congrats Grace, on speaking on behalf of so many women who've waited long enough to see some serious sack'n'stick action. We've been teased with the ever popular torso know the chiseled lines I'm talking about...only to be disappointed as that's as far as the camera will take you. That, or the top of the fur pile, and who really cares about that!

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 1:15 AM CDT

Name: Curious Girl

Congrats on your engagement Cassie! And excellent work Grace - I'd sign on as your personal assistant any day.

I second that suggestion about Ewan MacGregor. He looks like he's a randy little devil, yes? I'd also indulge in my slobbering fan-girl crush on Steve Zahn.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:36 AM CDT

Name: toodleoo

go look up Bana on IMDB, dammit! he is so well worth it.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:38 AM CDT

Name: toodleoo

oo oo, Grace, can i be your camera operator? or cinematographer, for that matter...

well done. got quite a chuckle out of me this morning, even though Colin Farrell gives me the creeps.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:47 AM CDT

Name: WendyJo

I would like to extend a warm welcome to all the Aussie ladies who have come to join us, and a personal thank-you for letting us enjoy those hottie Australian actors that have come our way. Hello Ladies!

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:55 AM CDT

Name: Jess

Hey, this is for that essay contest thing (duh). Wasn't sure if this was how I should post it, or if there was some sort of private post thing I should be using - but hey!

A bit about me: 22 year old post-grad student/hive worker from England. Read your diary at work when I'm bored. Like: the countryside, cynicism, curry and films.


First and foremost, I would thoroughly abuse the inevitable stack of freebies. ?I want pad Thai for lunch!? I?d exclaim. ?By a scenic waterfall in Thailand! With squirrels for waiters!? Admittedly, though, I?d probably soon get bored of dining thusly, and revert to bringing cheese and pickle sandwiches to the office (wrapped in tin foil).

I?d set myself up in a nice house for life and kit it out too. Maybe a Val Kilmer-esque ranch. Nothing says ?playa with eccentricity? like living in a wattle and daub dome in the desert. (Interiors by Conran, natch.)

Personal perks aside, I would hold regular meetings with all my ?key players? and then surreptitiously raise the office ceilings of those execs who looked to be getting a little bit cocky and perhaps too big for the boots. It?s amazing what believing oneself to be rapidly shrinking will do to one?s ego. Those who refused to come back to the light side, I?m afraid would have their coke rations severely reduced, and maybe even their casting couches seized. (Is coke still the drug du jour for execs? It?s got to be a perennial favourite, right?)

I?d plough lots of Fox money into worthy (liberal) causes ? to get up Rupert Murdoch?s nose, if nothing else. I believe I would be a lot more philanthropic if I didn?t have a poorly-paid job and mounting university debts.

Having then doubtless sent share prices spiralling downwards, I would say, ?Hey guys, let?s rethink our output ? I want to make Fox Studios synonymous with low-budget indie cinema, and I?ve drafted 5-picture contracts for Philip Seymour Hoffman and William H. Macy with that in mind.? If the execs and share-holders seemed uneasy about this transition, I would take them all on a ride on an Amtrak train to Lake Tahoe (with a picnic) to calm them.

Having remoulded Fox Studios in mine image, I would announce my early retirement at 363 days, and leave to the sounds of my colleagues weeping in sadness and showering me with orchids. My leaving party would coincide with the release of ?Au revoir, Monsignor Toast? a poignant look at substance abuse within Paris?s Hassidic Jewish community (starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, William H Macy and that girl out of Alias). It would go on to be Fox?s biggest ever hit, incredibly.

As a finishing touch/parting shot, I would change the Fox logo to a picture of Tackleberyy (the gun-obsessed one from Police Academy films) and a hamster wearing vintage flying gear. They would be riding around in a motorcade, waving and smiling.

The End.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 12:31 PM CDT

Name: ginny
Home Page:

It's getting so we'll need an FAQ, since every article sends a wave of new folks this way:

Q. Who are you, really?
A. My name is A. Nonny Mouse. I'm not related to Mickey as far as I know.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 12:49 PM CDT

Name: Ken
Home Page:

Cheryl, your post confuses me.

I am a Canadian.
Its nice to know that we are held in high regard by some citizens of our neighbour to the south.

Reverse sexual harassment.
This is where it falls apart for me. I have always considered myself a feminist with a penis or a lesbian trapped in a man's body. I wish not to be confused with Fembo's (Feminist + Rambo) which quite frankly scare the hell outta me. I am not sure if reverse sexual harassment could truly ever exist. At least not in my mind ;)

Equality at last!
Does this mean that I can wear my short shorts to the office with the hopes of Big Bertha Ball Buster dragging me into her office and calling me pumpkin tits?

On a side note:

I have worked exclusively with women for the last 15 years. My last job was at an office that was exclusively populated with women and I was the first man ever hired to work in the office. Two of the women in this office were going through menopause, one was a sunday school teacher and the rest were your average women that your would see on the street.

When I started, I could sense that the women there were unsure of how to deal with me. If you knew my sense of humour, this would come as no surprise. Being the people person that I am, I kept the situation light hearted and endeavoured to keep my colleagues free of worry.

After a couple of weeks on the job, I was walking by the lunch room and overheard the women talking about me. When I walked past the door, I said hello and one of the sunday school teacher asked me how I felt about working in an office full of women.

I calmly looked at her and said that it was no news to me because I have worked with women for years and in fact at my last job I started have my period the same time as the women that I worked with.

I was invited to every pot luck lunch after that.


Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 2:34 PM CDT

Name: Robyn

Hey vibrance...

No post today? Bah. You must be busy. I am disappointed though, on account of it is my bday and I get to want what I want when I want and be a whiny snoot (and many other horrible things) cause my inner critic gets locked up for 24 hours into a cave with a b&w TV and a few of those little 6-packs of donuts with the white powdered sugar falling everywhere. I don't miss her, except for now I am manic and have to figure out what to do with all of this doberge cake sugar high I recently acquired from a reputable establishment.
So I am, again, out of here... to Albany, NY this time... back on Monday. Wish me luck... I am going to see the Tiger-lady. Last time we encountered one another, she bit off my little finger and I had to get a new pinkie ring and everything .

Good bye!


Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 2:36 PM CDT

Name: Juliette
Home Page:

Hi Rance,
I was reading Reuters and it said you might be Jim Carrey, that would be a laugh if it were true, but how would I ever know? If you ARE Jim, then I have a few questions for you that only Jim would know, so heck, email me if you want, I won't tell anyone that you did, I promise.

To everyone else, you can call me crazy if you want, I'm just checking this place out.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 2:47 PM CDT

Name: Active

Dear me!!
Not a single one of you as suggested the replacement of all with Charlize Theron. I can but assume then that you are all totally mad and indeed qualified, if the opportunity arose to become head of fox studios. Incidentally being head of such a right wing organisation will require you to make some hard decisions. Like, which country will be invading next? Youve gotta ask right?
Also R you need a nose job!!!
Remember..... dont steal...... your government does'nt like competition....

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 2:48 PM CDT

Name: Claartje van Swaaij
Home Page:

Interesting read, the blog of yours. Must be freeing to be able to write freely without having to *really* worry to get burned for it. Also interesting what it does to people, kinda like that whole Andy Kaufman returns thing stirring up. Things like that fascinate me, hence this too. No idea what to further comment, really. Wondering who you are. Not for the celeb sake but for the rumors spreading around that you could be someone who I'd be interested in following what he has to say. Urrr even while he's a celeb. Celib. Celub. However you may spell it. Blah.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 2:49 PM CDT

Name: tek

I just have to say, I read an article about you on Yahoo, and had to check this out for myself. I am glad I did, you rock. I love your irreverent sense of humor and most of the comments made. Thanks for the smile, I needed it.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 2:52 PM CDT

Name: Juliette (J.T. Carrey)
Home Page:

If you were a celeb would you be spending money all day and/or making movies? Celebs are people too, they're allowed to sit at home and relax just like us.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 3:00 PM CDT

Name: Wayne papa

Hey Rance, I think you might have slipped up last night! Just a little food for thought- a penny for your thoughts!

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 3:34 PM CDT

Name: Woodstock

Some of us actually *enjoy* gratuitious female nudity in films. Gotta love being a dyke in a world that constantly uses cheesecake to see every single damn thing in the world. ;-)

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 3:47 PM CDT

Name: Nissa

Bravo Grace!! I love the gratuitious naked scenes with Colin Farrell and...Ok leave out Eric Bana and ya got me hooked...*NEFG*...G.W. would be good at fabrication, I should ask him for some pointers on fantasy..LOL...Good job Grace...I don't think I could have come up with anything quite like that...Cudos to you!!


Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 3:53 PM CDT

Name: Lauren
Home Page:

that's wonderful....particularly 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8 and especially 10. I'd also add Brad Pitt into the mix. he's rather nice to look at when nekkid as well. pant, to Google nekkid Brad for a bit.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:11 PM CDT

Name: Nootch

Josh Cohen. Enough said.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:14 PM CDT

Name: Nicki

I enjoy reading your work. You have very intuitive and deep thoughts. Who are you really? the game has gone on long enough.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:16 PM CDT

Name: Bulldog

dear rance
To say you have shit for f*cking brains does shit a dis-service.
Why are spineless yellow Americans so effing dumb that follow stupid cretins such as yourself?

How much longer does the public have to suffer irritating American itinerant movie faggots like yourself?

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:21 PM CDT

Name: pete

what would u do if u were michael jacksons mother?

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:32 PM CDT

Name: Huntingforgoodwill

Were I to control Fox Studios for one year I'd be hunting for good will among the FAUX Propagana station's talking heads.

Of course that would be as elusive as the mysterious WMD's being looked for in IRAQ.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:33 PM CDT

Name: Katherine from Minneapolis

question unrelated to today's blog. Don't you worry that any friends you have helping w/this website might "out" you? I thought trust was hard to come by in LA, unlike here in the good, old midwest (she said, tongue firmly planted in cheeck). just wondering...

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:39 PM CDT

Name: schachin
Home Page:

I love your post. Though would not have thought of it myself it definitely was good for a smile at the end of a long day editing code for the DHS. Looking forward to more of these! Congratulations on your acceptance into the Rance blog :)

Favorite line.. :)
Let former president George W. Bush be in charge of all scripts. Since he's fabricated so much evidence, he should be good at fabricating plots.

Oh and just to add.. if you want to hear more of GW's thoughts ..check out..the site below It would be funny if it weren't so sad.. that 46% of the people out there think he is an intelligent man who is doing a good job.. I think if he wins again I am moving to England! :)

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:49 PM CDT

Name: beth

what's going on here, what is this 'rance' thing all about? I'm from the uk and a friend gave me the link to this website asking me to guess who I thought iit was but I'm not quite sure what the big deal is here. Anyone care to explain??!!

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:50 PM CDT

Name: Liz

Need a V.P.?

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:54 PM CDT

Name: John Maguire
Home Page:

OK so you made the yahoo news so I surfed on over here but am I the only one who doesn't give a toss who you are?

What I deduce from your user name is that you're rather fond of people showing a bit of camel toe.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:56 PM CDT

Name: The Wetdog Project
Home Page:

Put George Dubya in charge of scripts?!? You can only write so small with crayons. And he'd only go & make up his own words again. Imagine "Gone With The Wind" Dubyafied; "Frankly my dear, I don't give an indamnableisation"

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 4:56 PM CDT

Name: Dulcinea2168

Way to go Grace! Very nicely done. And congratulations Rance, for having the wit to choose this as one of the winners. ;)

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 5:07 PM CDT

Name: Pussywinkles

Rance -

I have no idea who you are and really don't care to find out - I left LA to get away from the whole scene. I read about your blog today in an internet news story and peeked in out of that same morbid curiousity that leads to highway rubberneckers - makes me a superhighway rubbernecker?

Anyway, I also could care less about Grace's answer on running Fox Studios - see above. No offense, Grace.

What I do want to applaud is your comment somewhere below in your blog that you've said nice things on here about lawyers. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I recently attended an academic presentation on women lawyers in the media, and the conclusion was that in movies, women lawyers are protrayed as one of three character types: 1) ditzy incompetents (e.g., Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde), 2) steely-cold bitches (uptight lawyer woman in Erin Brockovich) or 3) slutty nymphonmaniacs, often combined with serious mommy-skill deficiencies (e.g., Glenn Close in Jagged Edge).

Not only are woman maligned - males lawyers get blasted, too. Rarely are the good deeds and volunteer hours we give back to society lauded. Basically, lawyers are the favorite, easy target of choice for jokes. As a pragmatic realist, I realize that *some* group in society must fulfill this role - it used to be Poles, and in my home state it was Aggies. Lawyers have served more than their fair time in the bad joke hoosegow - can't we pick another group to take over now? How about taxidermists? dermabrasion technicians? or abrasive assistants? None of these contribute much to the betterment of society.

Accordingly, I hereby make a motion that you use your blogpad to launch a new campaign to improve the lot of lawyers in America, especially as portrayed in the media. In any event, I applaud and appreciate your past efforts - keep up the good (anonymous) work!

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 5:31 PM CDT

Name: ginny
Home Page:

Reuters?!?!? Yahoo?!? Oh, boy, I bet no one told Rance about RSS aggregators. It's in the Yahoo entertainment feed.

Fasten your seatbelts, everyone, it's going to be a bumpy night.

(maybe we should give back DVPs in a show of solidarity?)

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 5:44 PM CDT

Name: justakiwibloke

what is the worlds obsession with colin farell about? isnt he yesterdays news?...hummmm....not sure if i'd be too keen to see more gratuitous sex scenes with males or females in movies to be honest...the censorship authority in New Zealand would just cut the movie to shreads or ban them if there was!!!
love you all

the bloke

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 6:04 PM CDT

Name: worm
Home Page:

hey uh,.. i don't care if you are or aren't a celebrity, cause either way i heard that celebrities read this. i'd just like to say, i'm single ladies ;-)

talk about me at your next celeb party

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 8:32 PM CDT

Name: Jeremy Hughes attack on President Bush, I never would have guessed someone from Hollywood would be a Democrat.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 8:45 PM CDT

Name: chrissy
Home Page: http://im never on the right page

This was pretty good (essay). I admit,I wish I had seen this blog sooner...However,I just found out about you today, in the news, with reuters, on yahoo, yada yada yada, blah blah blah... I think this whole thing is are very intelligent it seems, as I can tell by your writing...You definitely have something to do with Hollywood, as I can tell by your knowledge...I think it is pretty cool that you are keeping the entire country in suspense as to your identity. In a time when war seems to clog up the air-waves it's a nice segue from Iraq into normal life...assuming there is a such thing as normal. Keep up the good work...maybe you could run a contest so that you would tell the winner who you are!! HAHA

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 8:46 PM CDT

Name: cdkauf

Found another website that I think is you. I think youre a screenwriter, but not sure which one...

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 8:48 PM CDT

Name: gfd
Home Page:

just came across your blog, you, today- did a bit of reading- you are "wordy" aren't you...
which leads me to think: you remind me of a man i met online who works as a writer/exec producer/creator.
you give the impression of a background that most actors wouldn't have- degreed, traditional, and...i have also noted your desire and success to be noticed screams that you are imanginative beyond what a spoiled star would have in him.
i'm guessing...writer who needs more work. you deserve it baby!!! brilliant!

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 8:49 PM CDT

Name: jmars

ha ha

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 8:53 PM CDT

Name: Taternuts

Just thought I'd say I don't fantastically care what celebrity writes this. If it even is a celebrity and not some cyber-silent evil genious bent on enfuriating the The Curious George's in all of us. You keep your secrets Zorro, I care not of your identity!..............You're Tim Robbins aren't you? Damnit, couldn't resist the temptation of unmasking the current "15 Minutes Phantom" Keep up the good work. Hope you keep your Big Yellow Hat for a while. Your mainstream appeal was imminent...

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 8:58 PM CDT

Name: gfd
Home Page:

do comments get swallowed up if they're not pretty?

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:11 PM CDT

Name: Simply Me

they're all funny but number 10 is totally cracking me up! i need to show my republican friends this! :)

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:11 PM CDT

Name: 8L00DC47

Apart from the overt stupidity, sexism, and gratudiously partisanship of the day's post, I must say that Rance is a bearth of fresh air. Though I am a seventeen-year-old slave to all forms of studio marketing, I hate most all motion pictures save for ones with some *iota* of cinematic value (i.e. Lost in Translation or Cecil B. DeMented). I'm glad to have insider finally speak out against such travisities against the silver screen as Shrek, romantic comedies (same plotline of all romantic comedies = same picture), and anything made by the most evil of all megalomaniac corporations...DISNEY!!! If only our hero Rance could take down the celluloid, concrete, and cash that Mike Eisner desperately is trying to hold onto. Well, that's enough ranting for today...Rance, see what you can do.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:12 PM CDT

Name: Rance

Always a hint, but never a scent.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:15 PM CDT

Name: Taternuts

Just wanted to say that I don't fantastically care what celebrity writes this. If it even is a celebrity and not some cyber-silent, stay-at-home, evil genious piquing the Curious George in all of us. Fine, keep your secrets, I care not of your're Time Robbins aren't you? Damnit, I couldn't resist attempting to unmask the "Phamous Fantom". Keep up the good entries. Hope you keep your Big Yellow Hat for a while. You mainstream appeal was inevidable...

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:19 PM CDT

Name: anonymous

You know what? I think it's cool you had the balls to do your own ranting. To hell with the population out there that wouldnt like it. I'm a wannabe actress in Atlanta who went to theatrical school, and ever since, I've had issues at audtions because the Atlanta theater bunch is so close all they wanna do is hire their friends. I got fussed at for ranting about it.
You Go Dude!!!!!

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:23 PM CDT

Name: arjae77
Home Page:

umm I am still hustlin this fox studios subject.. anyway rance.. personally i don't care how big a star you are.. for real.. you comin on here and releasing your thoughts or words on a public forum.. is real tight. I know why you maskin yo-identity, and its kool.
Anyway i am gunna hit ya up with what i would do if i had control of fox studios. I know I wouldn't be workin on no joe millionaire tv show or no KUNG POW! Enter the Fist scripts lol.. or any more IDOL.. lol anyway .. holla back

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:24 PM CDT

Name: Katie
Home Page:

I just read about this blog from an article in Reuters, which, as far as I'm concerned, should stay away from entertainment reporting. Still, with my curiousity peaked, I had to give it a glance. Some good writing on this site - witty and thoughtful. But somehow it strikes me as a little sad - not pathetic in any way, just a little sad that if you are who you say you are, you would have to find a place in cyberspace in order to have normal communication without feeling like you're being put under the celebrity microscope. On the other hand, you're pretty funny.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:26 PM CDT

Name: Lexicalann

I'd sell it to Viacom and devote the remaining 364 days to creating international cultural awareness reality programming for the American public.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:29 PM CDT

Name: J Buddah

I am not sure much may be accomplished in a year, truth be told. I believe I would concentrate more on distribution issues than production issues. As you well know, thee are more theaters in this country than there are movies to show in them.
I would consider a study of staggered ticket pricing according to the overall produciton costs. For instance, and indie film may be worth a $4 ticket, and a block buster a $9. this will send more movies to the theaters, and movie fans might go to a wider array of films if they were not as expensive.

Now I have a question for you Rance, is there an art form in your work? or is it just an Artisian. And why would you qualify your approach to acting as an art form?

the surprise guest

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:30 PM CDT

Name: susy

I agree, more male nudes are best

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:32 PM CDT

Name: castof1000

key words here are gratuitious naked scenes...all ending with a vision of George W. Bush that i just can't wipe from my mind (luckily, I'm mindless.)

or said another way: a gratis bud which lacks bud scales.

It's all how you see it...

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:40 PM CDT

Name: Presley
Home Page:

Pardon my French, but where the hell do we submit the essay's at?

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:50 PM CDT

Name: Billyshakes1492

Rance is getting a lot of attention these days. Will the real Rance stand up?


Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:59 PM CDT

Name: The Celebrinator
Home Page:

I'd tell all actors/actresses they are only worth 50,000 a year..tops (and make damn sure that is all they'd get. Then I'd piss on them.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:01 PM CDT

Name: Sarah the Monkey
Home Page:

Oh my.

The last one is best. Someone should like make that into a reality show, and if we dont like how Bush's scripts turn out we execute him.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:03 PM CDT

Name: The Celebrinator
Home Page:

This doesn't work.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:04 PM CDT

Name: Rose

If you were Owen Wilson, and I were to meet you, I would eat you up like a big bowl of Captain Crunch cereal.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:05 PM CDT

Home Page:

as much as i admire an person ranting about people in and about the entertainment industry but it make me wonder with all the recent publicity over these blogs if this has turned into another (un?)intentional publicity stunt? blah. what do i know . i'm canadian :P

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:17 PM CDT

Name: Casey
Home Page:

Great idea letting George be in charge of the scripts, Grace. The man shoulda been a script writer.

But why not Budweiser? It is the beer of the common man. It makes my nose burn and pales in comparison to Guinness, but all of those problems fade away after two or three cans.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:21 PM CDT

Name: ikwya basics
Home Page: http://it doesn't matter or does it?

I know who you are "Rance"
I know who are you, the words prance in my mind in such a rythem that I lost my thoughts..
I know who you are..

Good bye for now..

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:23 PM CDT

Name: Lisa Marie
Home Page:

I concur with your top 10 list, especially item 9. There is only one true beer of choice -- Sam Adams or even Sam Adams Light. I thought budweiser was stuff you used to water plants you wanted to kill?

Lookforward to future guest appearances.


Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:23 PM CDT

Name: Ninotchka
Home Page:

I don't think you could name one president that hasn't fabricated evidence, Democrat or Republican.

What about all these shows that focus on making everybody look "perfect" through plastic surgery? Haven't we crossed the line? Are we done yet? Eventually we will all look like Aliens - skinny stick figures, big cat shaped eyes, and no nose.

People are funny about celebrities. I mean I understand about being fascinated about how they live and stuff. Sometimes I find myself just wondering how my neighbors house is decorated. But I don't get the autograph and having to touch or talk to them stuff. That is just creepy. Celebrities are just people with public, high paying jobs. I must admit, though, when I hear about a celebrity's dog getting their own penthouse suite and filet mignon. I think, "Damn, they got a lot of money to waste. Maybe they could pay to fix these damn cabinets."

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:32 PM CDT

Name: Chris Atwood

you are Brad Pitt...easy- right?

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:33 PM CDT

Name: Katwoman
Home Page:

Intriguing Blog... :)

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:34 PM CDT

Name: stranded in Iowa-girl

Wait a second, has Fox Studios done anything in the last year, okay- I mean, anything good?, is that why we're being asked to "give ideas"? ..Hmm, sounds like a set up...Is Rance really a Fox exec looking for cheap ideas, or the new rumor is--he's Marlon Brando, you be the judge, next on Faux News!!
that being said, I'd probably just mass market low budget ninja movies-good clean fun!!
And devote all of Fox News to showing the truth behind Iowa born celebs including Ashton (real name Chris) Kutcher, HugeBlueEyes Wood, and the scandalous sexploitations that plagued Mamie Eisenhower and Donna Reed!!
Next on Faux News!!
Every movie would only have previews for movies that came out at least twenty years ago that are good but that nobody's heard of or they just haven't watched, so that you would leave the theatre going, "Man, that movie sucked but now I really want to see that Charles Bronson movie!! Let's go rent it!!"
Or scenerio number two: "Man, Charlie's Angel's Four made me really depressed, but that "preview" for Last Tango in Paris made me feel much better. Let's go eat a Fatburger." Sadly, we have no Fatburger's in Iowa...we just got Starbuck's.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:36 PM CDT

Name: bubba

To Ay-non-ee-mus Republican:
Are you Dan Quayle?


Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:41 PM CDT

Name: what'sinaname?

well done, grace!

uhm...add keanu reeves (mamamia! be still my heart...full frontal (and backal)--no plot's required--no dialogue even!


p.s. when should i report for work? *laughs**sigh*

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:49 PM CDT

Name: Sherry
Home Page:

I don't mind gratuitous love scenes that are not necessarily relevant to the plot sometimes. Movies are an escape and sometimes a love scene can just be beautiful. Much as a sweeping panoramic of a field of flowers can add beauty, so can a love scene, if not pornographic. Sometimes it's almost a question of proper cinematography. Example: the love scene between Keanu Reeves and the woman in Italy in 'My Own Private Idaho'. Not relevant, but beautiful and added a beautiful, textural layer to the movie.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 10:53 PM CDT

Name: ana
Home Page:

hopefully it isn't too late to post a celebrity encounter of my own. (i've been reading the archives.)

i lived in chicago for a few years and one day i was shopping for clothes i could not really afford in some fancy michigan avenue boutique when a certain very tall, very thin, very beautiful supermodel came in with a couple of shorter, less beautiful girls. she proceeded to make a HUGE bitchy deal about the store's lack of size 0, long legged pants. threw a total hissyfit. the pants weren't that great, either.

also while living in chicago i literally ran right into john cusak (be still my heart!), was smiled at by a glowing alanis morissette walking down the street with her hair billowing behind her, and was propsitioned by a certain r&b singer who got in a lot of trouble for a nasty sex video.

now i'm living in minneapolis, a tundra-like place that famous people tend to avoid.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:09 PM CDT

Name: Jennifer
Home Page:

grace, your vision for fox is GREAT! i just don't understand why you would need to enter rehab?!?

rance, your site is amusing! full of seemingly effortless and witty writing which is amazing since, according to yahoo! HEADLINE NEWS (whaaaat the ?*!?), you're supposed to be an actor. after reading much of your blog i'll have to "borrow" from george carlin...i'm about as much of a celebrity as you claim to be, i just don't have as many people believing it...

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:32 PM CDT

Name: Ninotchka
Home Page:

Funniest comment ever.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:02 AM CDT

Name: Claire
Home Page:

They're only after Colin because the worlds not yet ready for Martin Henderson and Newsboy.
Its a Kiwi thing.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:50 AM CDT

Name: Tabitha

I'm an asian actress who would like to see more films and tv shows with asians in it. Asians doing everything. Not just asians being doctors or doctors assistants or dragonladies, or exotic, or geeky or scrawny. But everything. That's it.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:05 AM CDT

Name: Razorsyntax

Tsk tsk tsk . . . Erudition is a rarity in Hollywood. Seeing as I'm already there . . . Hollywood has become more conservative. Watch out you flaming liberals . . . a real American is about to shove their snake skin boots up your asses. Kisses.
-Razor "the" Syntax

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:59 AM CDT

Name: regina

4. Have Colin Farrell added to above mentioned scripts.
5. Should Colin not be available, add Eric Bana.

Yes, yes, TRIPLE YES!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 9:01 AM CDT

Name: WendyJo

Surely this entry is worth some DVPS, no?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 10:28 AM CDT

Name: Funeral_grrl
Home Page:

I especially like 10. El Prezidente should be permitted to have a cabinet of co-writers, too. Rumsfeld seems to be a terribly creative writer, capable of turning even Mother Theresa into a candy-from-babies-stealing monster.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:06 PM CDT

Name: Bob Trite

Alright, so I have decided to be like the rest of you lamers and indulge in this idiocy too. I figure, since I can't bare to watch cheesy Hollywood movies anymore, that I can at least speculate about the supposed identity of a randon blogger.
"Rance" is spelled by taking C and moving it three spaces to the right, bumping each letter in between over one space, meaning the real name is Crane!
Making "Rance" non other than Jillian Crane! You might remember her from movies like "Election" and "Death Penalties".
I was going to say Bob Crane, but I was afraid that his ghost would sneak into my bedroom and make movies of me while I slept!
Rock on, GWB!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:33 PM CDT

Name: Nikola1tesla
Home Page:

Damn-- I forgot to put my name on the 2 posts where I said Richard Dreyfuss. Where the heck did that pop up page go?

Middle name Stephen
Jaws "bites"
Nary a hint? Narrates the Johnstown Flood... trail... hm...
Starred in "Always".... Always a hint.
Never a scent? Wasn't cast in Scent of a Woman... ??
A Hill got in the way after wanting to climb a mountain?--- Auditioned for "Sound of Music" as a child (theme song="Climb Ev'ry Mountain")....but wasnt cast-- went from New York Broadway to Hollywood instead & went to Beverly Hills school. Later starred in Down & Out in Beverly Hills
Another George? == The book Richard Dreyfuss wrote about the "Two Georges"
A fine circle-- Starred in "Once Around"
Back to Broadway-- He's now touring in a Broadway play
Fuss!= Richard Dreyfuss

Is Richard Dreyfuss the right Close Encounter? How do I know if that's what you were looking for? Tricky Dicky.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:49 PM CDT

Name: Dooky
Home Page:

LOL, I really liked that one!


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:28 PM CDT

Name: The Mask


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 5:21 PM CDT

Name: RepJ

About #10 Hardy har har, Grace. Sounds like your tinfoil hat is too tight around your head.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:32 PM CDT

Name: Queen Of Siam

GOOD, Will! VERY good. I DO love a mystery, and "elusive", itself, is the illusion. This is one of my favorite posts on this entry, so far. Kudos!

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 1:12 AM CDT

Name: John O

Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

I am a Southern Californian who eeks out a living working as a small-time radio personality and coincidently was recently thinking about possibly advancing my career and looking into eventually becoming the head of Fox Studios. I think about one year in that position is about all I could stand so one year would be ideal. Actually I think I could accomplish the one-year job in about nine months.
First I would make a film called 'Call Me Rance.' I would not however consider hiring the actual "Rance" for the title role in this vehicle. I would probably cast Johnny Depp and it would be filmed at Fox Studios Austrailia. I would then turn Fox Studios Austrailia into Fox Searchlight Pictures.
Secondly I would close down operations at Fox Studios Baja and use its 2,000 feet of beach front property for 'Baja Parties' and invite talented film industry people from all over the world to the fun parties to try to intice them to come and work for Fox Studios Los Angeles. This by the way would be filmed as Fox Televison reality series that would be distributed world-wide through Sky Britain, Sky Italia and Sky Latin America.
Lastly I would try to get in production several big budget films (well not really films, they would be movies) just for the publicity I would get on the lavish spending I was putting into these projects. Then when the Michael Eisner job was open over at Disney I would go to work there.

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 5:50 AM CDT

Name: Ghost of Elian's Mother

Wow - this presents one hell of a mind-clusterfucking connundrum.

Its BRILLIANT. Absolutley 100% - Genius.

Ok.. let's say I think I know who you are Mr.Rance - BUT, I don't want to give you away and spoil all the fun - how could it possibly be conveyed in such a fashion as to give you the option of maintaining plausible deniability and thus keeping the "Rance Possibility Pool" wide open?

It's all gotta be in code right?

After reading the blog start to finish - I finally saw the comment near the beginning, with the suggestion you made
that even if somebody suggests you could possibly be Elenaor Rosevelt, your response will be "no comment" Ok.. cool - I can grove wid dat. Fair Enough.

Ok.. so anything that gives you away - obviously identifies you - or could possibly lead to identification is a no-go.
You are also worried about the bunko artists out there - and god knows I don't want to give them any ammunition.

On the other hand - the whole damn project is a risky proposition for you so risky - I wonder just what the hell
you were thinking when you started it.

So, any and all speculation has gotta be in code?

Ok... let me try:

A wise friend of mine - and a "celeb" once explained to me that the dirty little secret of Hollywood was that "tabloid journalism" was not that the stories were unbelievable. It was that even the tabloids don't even come close to displaying the depths of depravity in "the biz."

This wise friend also told me, that especially the National Enquirer was pretty darned fair. Whenever they ran something on him - they gave him a head's up and offered him ample opportunity to respond. He also religiously read the tabloids. Every trip to the grocerystore that I accompanied him to - he snagged all the tabs - along with his near bin-sized container of gummi-bears or jujubes and copious amounts of coffee.

I won't say too much more about this wise friend of mine....
We parted in a non-amicable way and I do not want to do anything to further the rift between us. Last we communicated, I was assured by him that I continue to be in his daily prayers.

This was not a romantic relationship - in any traditional sense of that word - although we are both "romantics" to the core. (In keeping with the Shakespearian code-breaking) It was something of the order of Sonnet CXVI.) I broke the rules of our friendship by attempting to alter - where alteration I did find. I acted like a petty dictator when his entourage showed up and things got crazy. I regret this deeply.

In any event....
"God from afar looks graciously upon a gentle master"
I think he is the same way with poets.
So let me try my hand

In a world full of stuffies, zombies, and vampires
Lick me, for I am a sucker.

Oh lurklings of the Blogosphere;
If you look up to, and perhaps aspire to, old-world
make it as you
scrabble up
through life
on broken
bleeding fingernails,

WELL - CONGRATS mate! - you've made *par*.
Now try to improve the game
about a dozen strokes a hole
and climb out of the dark pit of
the disinintellectual Hell
That 99% of the human race has consigned itself to....
Having done this....
This is good.

Standing there...
Take a good long look around
and look down at the struggling bodies,

Sadly - you will be forced
to realize that --
with all these people you could "shoot the breeze" with,
or glad-hand at reunions, or whom you employ
or work for with a
wretched pinched smile forced upon your face...
and so forth and so one,

you'll *never* again
be able to respect their *minds* on anything
of weighty importance, and
While chewing on that....

You try to grasp the depressing *futility*
of knowing you'll probably _never_
be able to change their minds.

Because they simply cannot comprehend the essence of any concept you're trying to convey,
No matter how well done.

Oh.. woe unto you ---
Many you will write off,
but you try and try and try and try anyway

Hoping against all hope,
because, when all is said and done
You are, in fact a social animal
no matter how much you try to plow your attention into work or fascinations , video games, blogs and what passes
for "art" these days.

You just keep coming back
Again and again and again...
for more of same abuse.

And you lather rinse repeat, lather rinse repeat
over and over and over in this process -
taking it on the chin, like a punch-drunk boxer
in the 9th
Oh God...
To the Depths of Your being,
That one more time, in all this gory bloody
mess that passes itself off as "intellectualism"
You still, deeply madly hope...

Vainly, seeking, till the tips of your fingertips ache
with the pain....
OF trying to find that rarer thing
than a needle in a haystack:
a *mind* in action.

Lick me... For I am A Sucker.
/end poem

Now Mr.Rance....
If you had found a friend like that ---
only to screw it up beyond belief with
a fit of temper-tantruming.....
What would you do?

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 6:17 AM CDT

Name: 2nd Mate STUBB

This little corner of the Blogworld is reeling from the effect of a right proper jolly-Drudgering.

Our illustrious Captain Hoof teases us with allusions.

Allow me to render a version of the plight of this beleaguered Blog.

"Call me Rance. Some months ago -- never mind how long precisely -- having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about the internet a little and see the bloggery part of the world.

It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before Hollywood PR events, and bringing up the rear of every red-carpet I happen upon; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off -- then, I account it high time to get to the blog as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Kato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the net. There is nothing surprising in this. "

Or perhaps I've got the characters reversed here.
The hive-mind media world has descended upon us
and the "nasty duplicitous bastards" are joining them in jumping up and down around the canibal pot.

Rance, are you Ishmael, Stubb, Or Moby Dick at this point?

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 4:40 PM CDT

Name: Queen Of Siam

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
Albert Einstein

And for Rance:

"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway."
Elbert Hubbard

"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
Albert Einstein

(Just thought I'd toss that last one in for the hell of it.)

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 5:22 PM CDT

Name: Grace
Home Page:

I am neither from Hollywood nor a Democrat so keep guessing. I'm Canadian. There's nothing up here that forces us to be affiliated with any party upon being of the age of majority to vote.


Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 2:41 AM CDT

Name: AJScott

Interesting list of possibilities, but I dunno about some of them.

>>Robert Downey JnrIf it was indeed anyone on your list, he'd be my odds-on favorite based on writing style and the fact that when you're a rehabbed drug/alcohol addict, a blog would be a painless and amusing way to stay out of dark alleys and crackhouse motel rooms. But only because you didn't mention James Spader -- and for some reason the bubbling sarcasm would seem to befit someone like Spader more than Downey. But nonetheless, I could still see it being Downey.

>>>Robert RedfordNah. He's too old and established to even worry about the Internet, let alone bother with it.

>>>Richard GereWell OK, but only because I'm guessing he's far too old for "Tiger Beat" magazine and grownup women don't have anywhere else to swoon within the privacy of their own homes or anything.

>>>My Sexy Guardian AngelSome people think Anna Nicole Smith is their sexy guardian angel, and we've seen how capable she is at stinging two coherent thoughts together -- let alone successfully reading two of them strung together by someone else.

>>>Brad PittWho knows? Maybe Jennifer isn't putting out like she used to these days or something, and he needs a way to kill time at 2am.

>>>Anthony HopkinsNot unless he's taken up silly Internet slumming. If I were him, I'd be spending my off hours endlessly scarfing up free drinks and food at every pub and restaurant in the free world instead of blogging.

>>>Anthony RobbinsYou mean the motivational-speaker guy? Or actor Tim Robbins? Or maybe Harold Robbins, who I imagine probably needs a good book idea these days if the old geezer isn't dead or something.

>>>Ben & MattMaybe. Screenplay ideas are where you find 'em. Or invent 'em. Or given the nature of the industry, maybe even where you steal 'em.

>>>Greg KinnearSomehow I don't think of him as a suspect because he doesn't strike me as a rock the boater, let alone being noticed enough in Cuba or a Vietnamese restaurant in London or some whorehouse. But then again, those are the kind of "whodathunkit" guys who surprise the piss out of the world every now and then.


Monday, 31 May 2004 - 3:45 PM CDT

Name: Bubba

when you actually say the word fuck do little f*cking stars always replace the letter u? If so that would make you a slightly interesting scary person who probably was silly enough to say "freedom" fries.

P.S. as I can see, the only swear word in your entry was the word faggot...bad form old man, bad form.


Tuesday, 1 June 2004 - 7:03 PM CDT

Name: simone - australian architect

11. Commission study into shy Americans find Australians so facinating.
12. Tell Eric Bana to go back to comedy unless he can find a good script - eg. Chopper -

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