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Rance wuz here...
Thursday, 27 May 2004
Guest Bloggist: Jacob
Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Name: Jacob

If I were in charge of Fox, I would hire creative and talented writers, directors, and actors, and then I would leave them alone and let them do their jobs.




No, seriously, what I'd really do is, I'd buy a beautiful, sensitive script that speaks honestly about love, and then I would ask the writer to put in fart jokes, and when he resisted, I would decide he was "written out", so I'd bring in a guy whose work I've never actually read but who once worked in the business office of the Harvard Lampoon, and I'd have him do a punch up. Then I'd use that script to attract an aging action star who is smart enough to know that the public doesn't want to see him do action anymore, and he wants to broaden his range, which is why he is attracted to this script. His one objection is the fart jokes, which seem to spoil the mood of the film, and I agree with him completely, and promise to fire the writer who put them in. Once this actor is onboard, I would bring in another writer to make the script just like every other action movie this star has done. Then I'd attach a director who directed a really great Pepto-Bismal spot. Two days before production started, when the star finally looked at the shooting script and realized that it wasn't the sensitive and honest film he thought he was signing on for, I'd listen to his concerns with complete sympathy and agreement, and then respond to them by firing the director. In his place I would put somebody whose work I had never seen, but who went to USC (either the film program or the school of hotel management, I forget which) and therefore must be good.

When the film tanks, because the action star was right about the fact that audiences do not want to see him in yet another fart-joke-filled, derivative action movie, I will shrug, sigh, and point out that I did everything I could. I attached a big name star to the project, hired not just one but two promising young directors, and, above all, had three seperate writers polishing the script, which of course makes the script three times as good as one written by a single author. Hey, who can predict the audience?

About myself: I am Barbra Streisand's former hairdresser.

Posted by captainhoof at 10:52 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, 27 May 2004 10:54 PM CDT
Post Comment | View Comments (144) | Permalink

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:15 PM CDT

Name: ChopChop

And could you write a movie in which superman did not fly?

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:15 PM CDT

Name: KT

Boy oh boy - it has come to this? I was reading the blog, trying to figure out what it was all really about... Entertaining in parts, disturbing... You have a way with words, I'd suggest. But that last post. Well. Nuff said.

PS. You seem to be someone with a similar fame level as me *in which case we probably met). But less paranoid, me thinks.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:17 PM CDT

Name: Rob
Home Page:

yeah, me too...

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:21 PM CDT

Name: Eye S Peekfreely
Home Page: http://Homeless

So, how is the world of freelance, Capn'Hoof? I hear there's never enough good talent in SanFran these days.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:24 PM CDT

Name: crazyk

Great, you got a link on the Now its about time to pretend you Jesus.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:34 PM CDT

Name: Scott

I'm of course a newcomer. Sigh..I miss all the good shit. Were it not for a news story on the blog, I'd still be in the dark.

Whoever Rance is, this is a great read. Keep 'em coming!

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:38 PM CDT

Name: Chazzy

If I were in charge of Fox, I would give Rance a job which he obviously needs since he obviously has too much time on his hands. And too much Budweiser in the Sub-Zero.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:40 PM CDT

Name: johnny clay

Ahh Ha hahaha. That's a sweet vision, Guest Worker Jacob.

Just remember--the consumer is always right. Especially blog consumers.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:43 PM CDT

Name: Adam

I am a newcomer to this site. I read an internet article saying that "rance" has the internet and entertainment industry abuzz. So being the curious person I am I had to check this site out. I give "rance" two thumbs up for creating this site. He is doing something he wants to do under a false name so he doesn't have fifteen billion people bugging him about why he is doing this. Whether or not Rance you are a real celebrity is irrilivant. Keep up the good work.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 11:46 PM CDT

Name: Green Eliza

The most viewed news story on my Yahoo homepage today was "Hollywood Mystery Man 'Rance' Has Internet Abuzz" ... that's impressive. But now it's been replaced by "Harry Potter Stars Predict Gruesome End to Series." So it goes in Hollywood I suppose.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:11 AM CDT

Name: Ron Anonn
Home Page: http://none

Does RANCE know WHO is Damon's and Affleck's best kept secret?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:11 AM CDT

Name: Chazzy

And Jacob, weren't you already head of Sony? You only get one shot in this town, you know, and then you're history.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:13 AM CDT

Name: Abe Fromen

My Theory On "Rance" by Abe Fromen.

We all know that RANCE spelled backwards is ECNAR...which if you unscramble obviously spells CENAR...I mean come here's where it get's tricky....CENAR means "TO HAVE SUPPER" in Spanish.

So now we have DINNER....which happens to rhyme with see where I'm going with this now huh?

SINNER obviously's O.J.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:14 AM CDT

Name: WSAI
Home Page:

As one of the many guys in the Industry that's been mistaken for you (must've been the fart comment, not to mention our wit, charm and sense of humor), all I can say is: "More power to you!!

(one of the people who thought I was you WAS Barbara's former hairdresser).


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:25 AM CDT

Name: Von Stroheim Lives

Work in some cartoon animation with a cigar-smoking orangutan, and you have yourself a blockbuster. What are you waiting for?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:42 AM CDT

Name: Tamara

To Rance:

I know this sounds really petty, but on reading your archives, I came across the "casting couch potatoes" post and wanted to ask you a question:

I've always wanted to be a high fashion model, I know I have the face, figure, height, etc. and was wondering if the industry is thoroughly corrupt? Because on doing some reading and research, I've had some people who in the industry who say that there are some agencies (minor ones mostly) who actually have morals and won't act basically as pimps for the models.

I know this really isn't your area of expertise, but your post sparked my interest and I thought there'd be no harm in asking...

I love your blog, you're quite the articulate one.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:47 AM CDT

Name: JJ booker

...I would fire everyone at Fox..and then call in the bastards that started rehashing the same crap over and over
and fire them again...and oh yeh...who the f is Fantasia bareemo???...Im an artist. guess who i am???

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:55 AM CDT

Name: B. Lial
Home Page:

Personally, I find it more than a little annoying that a seemingly large percentage of the posters here simply assume Mr. Rance is just a phony-assed inflatahunk with designs on duping the Red States.

What gives? Why this need to undo the gossamer? Why this need for so-called "credibility"? If what the guy says rings true, then what the "F" if he's just a schtoink waitin' tables and readin' Variety in full view of all the Crunch denizens passing Buzz like a train'o wind-up meat-sicles...?

Having said that...I could write this blog. No question. I'm not yet A-List (call me in a couple years: 2006 Oscars, you know), but am savvy enough to have seen and experienced a lot of these Hollywood mentionables. What I ain't actually did, I could extrapolate thereupon.


While I do know how easily an insider of any merit or hierarchal squat could fake this "Rance" persona, I also know and have known my share of celebrities, as friends and co-workers...many of them A-List, and at least one living on Wonderland.


I know the vibe, and the very, very practiced and articulate manner with which celebrities protect their worlds and identities when in public.

So, yeah: Rance might indeed be the article de la authenticitie. Merde! Ma Francias n'pas terrible!

Anyway, as I was saying: Um...yeah...Fatburger. No, wrong post.

Wait! Yeah, Rance. Yeah.

Personally, I think this Rance guy's a pretty solid cat. I immediately suspected he was a certain dude what drives a beat-up truck, but then...I don't know.

Don't really care, though. If it *is* a certain SAG-warrior guy, I'll catch-up with him soon enough, via a mutual friend or two: Got this project I know he wants a look at.


In the meantime, hey! Cool site! Nice words!

Keep it comin', toots.

Kissy face...


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:06 AM CDT

Name: Darkwaters
Home Page:


After reading most of your blogs all I can say is that you sound like as
well adjusted as you could be, being in your position.

I've lived in L. for 20 years now and have been in the "Industry" for about 13.

I've had brushes with "celebrities" that are

good people:
Danny Glover, empting his wallet and that of his 2 assistants for a homeless person.

Our illustrious governor screaming "shove it up her ass" (a glass cigar case) to a porn star at a bachelor party.
Oh what a night that was.

Richard Grieco at "on the Rox" wanting to fight me for no reason.

Normal well adjusted people, who happen to be famous:
Laura Dern, Jennifer Jason Liegh , Patricia Arquette
and several others.

I have plenty or stories.

You seem like you "want to keep it real" and maybe need this outlet to keep you grounded.

All of those who judge you for any "indiscretions" would do everything you have done and most likely more and worse.

They are jealous because they haven't had the chance.

We are all getting a glimpse here of what we all have dreamt of.

You are letting us know that you're no different from anyone else, ok maybe you make 10-15 million a movie.
You're a human just like the rest of us.


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:10 AM CDT

Name: Aria

First of all I am just a lowly housewife looking for my big break in the music industry....television isn't my biggest concern, but if I could be in charge of Fox Studios for one year, I would bring back the one show I actually liked. "John Doe" I loved that show. But hey, ya got the "Simpsons" "King of the Hill", "The Simple Life" Then the FX station has shows like "Nip/Tuck" why change something that most people already like. I think Fox is probably one of the most watched nets in the country.

Rance...who ever you rock.....keep it up...nothin better than keepin' them guessing, I say? Makes life more exciting.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:12 AM CDT

Name: Old Coot Bastard
Home Page:

Few know the fickle cape of Hollywood fortune better than D.W. Griffith...who died crawling through the lobby of a live-in hotel, his brain split from a stoke he'd just suffered in his room. Griffith's final years were spent in cavernous despair: He lived alone and forgot, with US$25K to his name at the end of it all...

Man, this some upliftin' bullshit, ain't it?!


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:14 AM CDT

Name: BDub

Jacob's vision would probably look something like these movies:

Quite possibly some of the funniest stuff I have ever seen...of course, you're probably asking yourself who am I and why does my opinion of humor matter. Spot me one here, these are greatness.

"Can I look in the camera?"


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:14 AM CDT

Name: Babygirlcrow
Home Page:


First off, I'd like to say Hello and how has your week been?.....mine a little crazy and with me not feeling good made it harder and hell then theirs were other things.......anyways, now on to business.....just thought i would remind you that the deadline for your essay is coming up lets not forget, it's on Tuesday June 1st, 2004, i'll be waiting for it.....500 words or less and that doesn't mean you can write something is fine, i wouldn't change a thing......i want the whole essay......ok, now on to other things....well this is just how i feel, i can't speak for anyone else......however, i miss the old you......really i do when are you coming back or are you? i don't really care that much for the guess bloggers really they just aren't you......and i admit i have been spoiled by you and I WANT MY RANCE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:24 AM CDT

Name: Alex Taylor
Home Page:

Barbara Streisand's former hairdresser, eh... JOHN PETERS, perhaps?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:27 AM CDT

Name: Alex Taylor
Home Page:

That's a pretty ingenious idea. We have to remember that it's never our fault, it's the audience.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:47 AM CDT

Name: Kevin Gregg

Rance, I learned of your existence today via a link on the Drudge Report. You're very fun to read. You know Truman Capote said (and others of course have said) that intelligent people are lousy actors. I think there may be some truth to that, in which case I'm assuming you are a lousy actor, if actor is what you are. Tho maybe Capote was wrong. Wasn't Katherine Hepburn an exception to that rule?

I wonder if your readership will greatly expand because of this Drudge link. I think you may soon be outted, just as the Unibomber was outted. Someone will recognize your writing style. I suppose your relatives and friends wouldn't out you tho. It's not as if you're dangerous, except maybe to yourself. So I suppose you have a continuing chance of maintaining anonymity.

When I first started reading your posts the image of David Hyde Pierce came to mind. Sorry. Anyway I'm sure you're not him since that was my first thought.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:49 AM CDT

Name: fred

Rance already had a job with Fox.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:02 AM CDT

Name: shamballa

So what you are saying here, Jacob, is that you would change nothing at Fox if you owned it??? Hehehe. If I owned Fox, Dr Phil would be heading the studio for starters.


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:04 AM CDT

Name: prenomen

How do you change the studio system...for the better? Stop promoting accountants to the head of dev, etc...they haven't a clue about what's creative and/or entertaining, etc.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:05 AM CDT

Name: Quality Control Analyst
Home Page: http://if i had a life. . .

Too much Budweiser!?!? That sounds like sedition to me! (Yeah, i'ma newbie. Shhhh. Don't tell anybody.)
Damn the man!!! Okay i'm better now, thanks.


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:07 AM CDT

Name: Don N. Azzass

You are Jon Peters???? Thank god you went into the motion picture business. Babs' hair looks a lot better now.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:11 AM CDT

Name: Razorsyntax

Why won't those who complain about movies actually go through the trouble of becoming the head of studios? Make the films you want and don't look back. Although Hollywood's fluff can be used to calibrate the fluff and the truly great work. "Even when we are all able to have lobster and steak there will be times when we want hamburgers and hotdogs."
-Razor "Knows-You-Rance" Syntax

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:12 AM CDT

Name: Hardly A Tabloid

Can someone explain the fuss and hype over this Blog from various websites in the last few weeks? The Reuters Interview this morning with the mention of a book deal made me slap my forehead at the inanity of it all. Where?s the substance in this Blog to justify such a decision?

Why is Rance so worried about his identity being discovered? Executives make stupid decisions about scripts to the detriment of the movie being made? Well Dur?.. Drinking sessions + blondes in hot tubs? Standard Jackie Collins drivel. A non-sexual visit to a high class brothel? In a world where Charlie Sheen holds the record for money spent on Heidi Fleiss? hookers while still maintaining a popular TV show this hardly seems like news that could damage Rance?s career. Hell, Paris Hilton?s pathetic oral sex technique has made her a news / gossip staple, allows her to attend the opening of an envelope and hog the limelight, as well as being a talent-free strangely unisexual androgynous television star to boot!

The point of being anonymous is to be able to name names without fear of reprisal. Statements about being discreet to protect his identity also are a good way to not have to offer any proof of being a celebrity. If Rance wants to keep a truly anonymous blog, why bring up the celebrity aspect at all? To still remain a celebrity in the blogging world? How much attention can one person need?

There?s nothing of any substance here to justify us caring about Rance?s identity whatsoever. Rance doesn?t want to meet anyone for fear of being blackmailed? Why would anyone seriously be fearful of paying $500,000 blackmail money for something as trite as this blog? Nude pics of Justin Timberlake only fetch $400,000 apparently. OK, say tomorrow we found out Rance is Ben Affleck:- he?s slandered no-one; he?s insulted no-one who might be powerful enough to damage his career; he?s named no names.

If you really are a celebrity, either tell it like it is, or stop wasting our time.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:12 AM CDT

Name: shenjingbing

Det er bedr?vet, at dette lille fort?lling er s? sand.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:13 AM CDT

Name: Razza Delprie

Jacob's post ruled!! Please post more guest posts because Rance is uber paranoid and the more paranoid the more boring. (sorry, but true)

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:31 AM CDT

Name: Chris

The about myself part, are you being serious or sarcastic?
Or could i guess Jon peters? But that doesnt' sound right.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:40 AM CDT

Name: Bondrock
Home Page: http://none

rants about rance will clog the blog, so simply said: i bookmarked the site, skimmed a bit and will pop back until i find another diversion to keep me from working....that's what writers do... anything to avoid the craft (even acting)...or practicing law

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:43 AM CDT

Name: nikola1tesla
Home Page:

The sole reason your movie tanked was you failed to cast Colin Farrell for those gratuitous sex scenes. Farts or no farts-- go with what works. No, seriously!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:48 AM CDT

Name: Metatron
Home Page: http://My Home Page Is Spread Throughout The World Yet

You are Barbara Streisand's former Hairdresser's former assistant, which is even more pathetic.

If I ran Fox, I would seriously reconsider any more Keanu Reeves movies. Talk about an over-rated, self-absorbed, wantonly intellectual but secretly shallow and depraved Hollywood object of mammonship with one hand on the keyboard while the other strokes those DV-10 bores. Smack it, flip it, slap it down and dip it low then pick it up slow.

I would certainly give Jim "Titanic" Cameron one more shot at riding that rocket to the ISS so he can shoot those horny little cosmonauts beating out ropes in space with his Gilligan's Island Hi-Def 3-D video rig.

I am MetatronnortateM ma I

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:54 AM CDT

Name: BGC
Home Page:



Hope you are enjoying your time off....but needed to remind you of one other thing......

You know you aren't suppose to be talking with anyone in the media without speaking with me first....I haven't given you, your quotes yet.....

Much Love,


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:04 AM CDT

Name: Laura Parker
Home Page:

Who ever you are you have a great sense of humour and write really well!

regardless of your status in life you are still human and I think its stupid that people need to know who you are. Celebraties(im sorry for any typos been a rough night) get hounded too much already, soo what's a retreat that is purely annonymous?HA the Internet of course.

anyways, good idea for the blog!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:07 AM CDT

Name: Steve S.

if i were in charge of fox, i'd fire everyone, and then get some sleep.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:12 AM CDT

Name: Jacob
Home Page:

I am delighted to see that at least one of the above commenters seems to think that Rance wrote my guest entry himself. I even got an e-mail from somebody complimenting me on this site. That's right: I am now officially a suspect in the great "Who Is Rance" derby.

Just to clear up any confusion, let me state unequivocally: I am not now--nor have I ever been--Andy Kaufman.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:25 AM CDT

Name: Chance

But,then again,who knows? Stranger things have happened and I'd never allow myself to be foolish enough to predict the future because,just as soon as you think you know what's around the next corner,that's when everything turns around and goes topsy-turvy and,before you know it,you're right back or even further back from where you started --- no,whatever lies ahead is not open to my speculation and I'm more than satisfied to wait for it.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:49 AM CDT

Name: Kaplan

If I was in charge of Fox Studios for a year. First thing...

I would hire Charlie Kaufman to write a "Rance" film, directed by Spike Jonze. Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck and John Malkovich would star as themselves. Music (subtle remixes of The Beatles' "Im the Walrus") by some soporific Euro band like Air.
It would be a wonderful "post-modern" film, about fame and identity loss. At the premiere (in Venezia Film Fest), several critics (most of them French and Italian) would faint.
"Rance" would get us a Golden Lion.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:50 AM CDT

Name: Keith
Home Page:

Incredible blog. I wonder if you have yet thought about the fact that you've become a celebrity -- again -- without all the incidents of your current 'non-blog' celebrity in play. Even in anonymity you're the talk of Hollywood.

Oh, and the part you mentioned about how as many people stop to see Babe the Blue Ox, and Paul Bunyan, as stop to view the redwoods sounds pretty true. I'd bet though, that more people stop in to see Sea Lion Caves, than stop for a walk on the beach.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:58 AM CDT

Name: Shy

Whatever and whomever Rance is, he may be getting as much attention here as in "real life". Who is anyone to say he/she is lying or telling the truth. If in fact he is a known actor, at least he is entertaining on both fronts. Maybe he loves pigs :), maybe he does an amazing Andy Kaufmann, maybe he has a brother in the biz too. Would I be interested to know? Most definately, will anyone ever know? Probably not. But that is the beauty of "Rance". The sarcasm and wit I find sexy and refreshing. And if he is really an A-list actor, he pretty much gave me a reason to show a small bit of interest in something I never really paid attention to. Reminds me of a quote:*We are all in the gutter, but some of us look to the stars*

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:05 AM CDT

Name: Jim Carrey

Greetings Earthlings,

I am highly interested in viewing nude photos of intoxicatingly attractive women. Please send all legal material to address above so that we may discuss advancement opportunities.

Your Friend,
Dr. Putz

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:14 AM CDT

Name: Zesty Pete

So Rance is "away", huh? Hmmmm. Shooting has just begun in the UK on the film version of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, specifically on the Heart of Gold sequence. The Heart of Gold sequence is best known for the introduction of the character Zaphod Beeblebrox, the two-headed, three-armed president of the universe (or whatever). Zaphod Beeblebrox is supposedly being played by Sam Rockwell in the film, hence Sam Rockwell must also currently be "away". By reputation, Sam Rockwell is intelligent and likes shrimp. Coincidence? I think not. Rance, j'accuse! You are in fact Sam Rockwell. Or Andy Kaufman. Definitely not Donald Trump.

Were I in charge of the Fox network, the current producers of the network would be the first one up against the wall when the revolution came.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:43 AM CDT

Name: Ariana

This site is a first for me. I have insomnia and the stories are great for very late night reading. Rance, you remind me of a "Quentin Terrentino" type of person. I do not know him personally, but he seems so interesting. Someone you could have a fun conversation with. I really am hooked with reading what you have to say! This is great entertainment.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:43 AM CDT

Name: Michael Kiely
Home Page:

Great read! Keep it coming! :)

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 5:10 AM CDT

Name: what'sinaname?

if only it were "international man of mystery" then we would know EXACTLY who rance is... *laughs*

austin powers: "there you are!"

man in casino: "do i know you?"

austin: "no, but there you are!"

enjoy your day, green:)

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 5:58 AM CDT

Name: smag3

Hi Rance,
First time visitor....thanks for having me.
I was glancing through Drudge when your name came up.
Seems that H-wood is up in arms as to who you really are...I bet their tearing their hair out because it's one thing that they really "don't Know" and they know everything.
Tell me, how do you feel when they come to you and say "have you heard about Rance?" I would hardly be able to hold down a smirk or a snicker...
What happens when the floor drops from under and one unsuspecting day you are uncovered, not that I would want that to happen but as they say not only in Hollywood, "all Good things must come to an end" what will you do.
Do you think that perhaps some of the blogs you created here will hurt you back in the real world?
If this is the case it seems that no one who has a certain amount of fame can ever really be themselves whether it be in the real or virtual world.Criticism will follow which may entice you to act PC even in your sleep.
Just some quick thought...sorry to go on and on.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:08 AM CDT

Name: heathery

So...this is what the fuss is all about? A simple lil blog getting everyone's panties in a bunch. I hope you are never exposed. Very little mystery is left for us to ponder these days. Oh, and if by some weird stroke of luck I got to run Fox studios, I would definitley borrow O'Reily from the TV end and put his life story on the screen..................a blockbuster no doubt, and just for shitts and giggles hire George Clooney to direct ciao

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:18 AM CDT

Name: Benjohoncho

Read about your site at and came to check it out and see what the buzz is all about. I'm guessing are you Jon Peters? Hairdresser turned movie producer?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:23 AM CDT

Name: Tobias
Home Page: http://none

Hi there! I heard about you just 5 minutes ago and found this interesting. You don't seem too happy with what you do and your situation right now. Why don't you come over to Saltsjobaden, 10 minutes south-east of Stockholm, Sweden? It's beautiful here, and very calm. I actuallt think we have an empty house on our street. Welcome!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:27 AM CDT

Name: Nightengale613
Home Page: http://MISSSADIE9999@YAHOO.COM

a very interesting bloq. i agree that it doesn't matter who Rance is, just keep up the writing. it sounds like not much has changed in Hollywood over the years. life in a goldfish bowl must really suck.
if i were in charge, first thing i'd do is get rid of most of the writers. i'm sure there are writers out there with better ideas.
also, they keep re-making old movies, old sitcoms, or movies out of old sitcoms. what's the matter have they run out of ideas?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:29 AM CDT

Name: Inco G. Nito

"Rance"!... keep up the good work, in films...
your linguistic skills are mint...hopefully lots of stereotypes will be broken if your true identity were to somehow come to the surface...


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:34 AM CDT

Name: Tom Rollins

This is a great site! Made my day anyway thinking about stuff. I came to the site to see what I could see. I looked at the web page source for clues. Drat, I found a lot of advertising material. I wonder if the world would be happier without all the ads.

It reminds me of the film "Big Lebowski". Saw the film and a year later, bought a ball and learned to bowl. Reviewed the film with my new bowling information and realized that all the bowling equipment in the film was from Brunswick. Drat, I have been had as I enjoyed a film that was really a commercial for Brunswick. Wait, maybe the joke is on Brundswick as I didn't buy any of their equipment. No, the joke realy is on me as I would not have gone bowling had I not seen the film. The Coen Brothers were probably duped as well thinking that they got some free props for their movie and didn't realize they were making a giant commercial for the bowling industry. No, they probably own a piece of the bowling industry and created the film to help their real business along.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:57 AM CDT

Name: Mike

John Peters? This has to be one of the View Askewniverse guys writing this stuff...

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 6:58 AM CDT

Name: JackassJoeJoe

Drudge has his uses. I like a mystery. This is cool.

Hey, if I ran Fox for a year, the first thing I'd do is explain to everyone that creativity is a misplaced state of mind. I wouldn't go looking for the best and brightest. Or try to tap that little indie screenplay that everyone's talking about but no one wants to pay for. I think this "creativity" shit is overrated.

Take one look at the "creative" stuff coming out of Hollywood's bizarre Project Greenlight series. A film about a religious kid and a film about a kid obsessed with WWII. Battle of Shaker Heights, my ass. This is the sort of "creative" crap that everybody thinks is out there and underrepresented.

Well, it's underrepresented for a reason. People don't want to see crap about a religious kid or a kid obsessed with WWII. There's a reason those writers were undiscovered. And it only took a couple unfortunate millions to force them into the open.

No, what I'd do is concentrate on the mindless stuff. Forget the sensitive creative-types -- or the young Hollywood undiscovered writing a screenplay in his bedroom. That shit is very 1940ish and 'Its A Wonderful Life'ish -- but this is 2004. Terrorists are on the loose. People are uptight. What we need is *interesting* mindless shit -- not necessarily "creative".

Just give me a movie that makes me say, hmmm, okay, that's *interesting*. Even if it's four seconds of interesting and involves Ben Affleck mugging or Matt Damon smiling cheese for the camera. I got no problem with that. If it's interesting, I'm onboard. Steven Seagal in a monkey suit running down Wilshire? If it's interesting, I'm cool with it. Why's he running? Make it interesting.

Creative is the kiss of death, my friend. It involves sensitive artists and lots of unfortunate negotiations. There's a lot of psychobabble, Xanax, and misspent childhoods. Creative means mother-problems, penis-envy, and broken homes. Forget about that. Leave that for 60 Minutes or Paula Zahn.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:22 AM CDT

Name: kate

No, I don't think anyone will believe he's Jim Caviezel, that's just too farfetched.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:30 AM CDT

Name: Spinnerewok
Home Page: http://none

Last night was the first night I stumbled across your weblog, and reading it from begining to end I kind of start to wonder if you are in fact some sort of clever Dodge sales rep, running some sort of elaborate contest in an effort to boost your numbers. Then again, your lack of knowledge on the beautiful metallic blue Viper (with racing strpies) that is totally availble from the factory, doesn't really hold that logic true. Then again, maybe you are just that smart... at any rate, great stuff to read man, but I think you should tackle other topics besides just hollywood crap, branch out, we all know how pretentious those assholes are anyway... not that I don't enjoy the hollywood crap

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:31 AM CDT

Name: aussiemike

Even the land down under has heard about the infamous Rance. I originally suspected Marcel Marceau. The frustrations of being unable to speak all those years could be finally expressed through the wonderful world of blogs. But alas the master is dead. Oh well back to guessing.

By the way Jacob are you now doing Steve Irwin's daughter's (Bindi or Bimby - lord i sometimes wonder why they didn't call her Bimbo) hair. That bob is strikingly similar.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:31 AM CDT

Name: To About myself: I am Barbra Streis

About myself: I am Barbra Streisand's former hairdresser.

Oh, Please. Does everyone have to be someone now?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:40 AM CDT

Name: wobbler

Just curious, who replaced you as Babs' hairdresser?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:41 AM CDT

Name: waxwing

"Come back to us
Barbara Lewis
Hare Krishna

Now why did I replay this tune while catching up on the R-blog? Ah yes, because it nicely encapsulates my precise feelings at the moment. Is it not wonderful when art does so? Gotta love John Prine.

Tell us, F/rance/nstein, what do you think of your monster now?

Peace and Joy to you, as always.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:41 AM CDT

Name: Thrill Berg


jon peters or someone trying to throw his scent onto someone else. it seems the fugitive is getting a bit tired.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:49 AM CDT

Name: Lisa
Home Page:

You gotta get this great blog off a site like Tripod...oy! I run a blog hosting services at Blogs About. Free installation of WordPress and the template set up . . . look me up.

Aside from all that - great and funny writes here.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 7:59 AM CDT

Name: Daniel

Hi, I'm Daniel. I live in Sydney, Australia. I'm currently 18. I'm supposed to be studying for my end of semester finals, but all I can hear is 'Rance this, Rance that'.

So naturally curiosity got the better of me. What can I say? A very interesting journal.

Barbra Streisand's former hairdresser? No shit? Wow that's pretty cool...Did you take any photograph's of her in potentially compromising positions? Bit of 'superannuation' if you get my drift. I hear the tabloids would pay a fortune.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:04 AM CDT

Name: i am trouble
Home Page:

Oh GREAT. Now all of the Drudge fanatics will be swooping in and slamming Rance. Don't let them get you down. I don't care who you are - this blog is one of the most entertaining on the web.

Hilarious essay Jacob:)!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:07 AM CDT

Name: Chillymac

Hey mister wannabe, got a nice scam going here dont you? Hoho, and you know what the funny part is, I got to this page by reading the news, tells you how much news that they have to report these days..

So, how come you hardly have a life at all? I mean, you write here every other day if not everyday. What bummed out alcoholic are you?

Keep it up, and if I were in charge of Fox I'd fire your ugly ass.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:25 AM CDT

Name: Bendystraw
Home Page:

My god. What could you REALLY do for Fox Studios in just one year?

Go for mindless self indulgence (not the band) just like everyone else - it is amazing how much truly awful material is out not to think about it and simply wed yourself to some sort of extravagant Year of Perversion so that Us and People and Enquirer can document it with pics and people can sell novelty T-Shirts for $25+ with your face on them. Later you can put together a memoir (ghost-written, of course) at the wise old age of 32 and use the rags as sources.

I think this is one of the fifteen-minutes extending strategies for reality show stars, but I can't be certain.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:27 AM CDT

Name: Jen
Home Page:

Barbara Streisand has a hairdresser? Who woulda figured?

I am new here and I just want to say that this is a righteously disturbing blog, but that is a good thing.

Also if you really are some kind of celeb, wouldn't you have enough money to get some real server space?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:30 AM CDT

Name: Wheeler Jones

For those regular posters here, let me summarize the last 150 comments:

1- colin fair-rell. he's so dreamy.
2- eric bone-aye, also.
3- I just read about you Rance.
4- you're brad pitt, george clooney, ben-lo-less, william shatner, or michael j fox's left nut.
5- blahblah firsttimecallerhere blahblah

I'll be happy to do this again in another 150.
I'm here to save the regulars time, because mine was wasted.


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:35 AM CDT

Name: Thee Black Train
Home Page:

Just wanted to be one of the first posters/poseurs to link here from Drudge. How lame. I used to be a very minor "celebrity," fronting a band which made me no money, but whose vinyl now goes for ungodly amounts of money on E-Bay and is listed as an influence for many loud bands that suck. I hated, REALLY hated the whole entertainment industry, even the under-the-radar, sub-basement of it that I occupied. Now I live out in the country and don't even have cable TV. I rarely rent a DVD made in the last ten or twenty years.

It's a good life: I don't know what the hell anyone is talking about half the time. SNL skits go over (or under) my head as I don't know who any of the flash-in-the-pan celebs are who are getting spoofed by that talent-free crop of jerks. I carry a badge and have never seen "The Shield." I hear it's great, but I don't think pointing guns at people is fun, having done it a few times, so I'd rather spend time teaching my kids to fish or play bluegrass tunes.

In my world, the TV is a device for toddlers to watch "Bear in the Big Blue House" videos.

That being said, this is a funny blog, and a good break from the political stuff I usually drift I think I'll drop in from time to time...

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:38 AM CDT

Name: Erika

It must be one of the oldest trick in the book - blame it all on someone else... and it looks like it might still work! ;)

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:47 AM CDT

Name: OhSoWittyMemberName

Jacob, your cynicism has left me giddy like a school girl. That was delicious.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:57 AM CDT

Name: Green Machine
Home Page:

If I were head of Fox I'd release 'I, Robot' straight to a garbage can along with my script-o-matic software and I'd make sure that my golden parachute was in great shape. As Asimov rolls in his grave I'd be rolling in Monte Carlo! I'd also be hard at work raising the cash for Michael Moore's next movie. I don't care what it's about as long as it's controversial - READ - IT WILL MAKE ME A SHITLOAD OF MONEY.

Ta Ta

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 10:27 AM CDT

Name: shinglehouse

Small town family guy who wasn?t always small town but is certainly enjoying it now!

What to do with Fox?.first and foremost I offer the ?Friends? double what they were making at NBC to come over to Fox and start their series up again. As soon as they all agreed I?d can their whiney, a million an episode isn?t enough, asses and feel like I did the world a favor. Come on, how can some of these people really be the way they are? I?m married and have two kids. I?m putting my wife through nursing school and providing the kids with all those wonderful things that kids need. I make peanuts and live paycheck to paycheck. But I love my job and I love my family and couldn?t imagine throwing a hissy-fit just because my dressing room (or cubical) isn?t as big as the next person?s (or insert any other celebrity throwing a fit over some stupid stuff here).

The second thought on the new direction of Fox would be to try to find movies to produce that speak for the generation growing up watching them. When I think back to my younger days the movies that I remember with fondness are Ferris Bueller?s Day Off and Better off Dead (John Cusack rules!). Yes, we?ve got the American Pie series and some REALLY good Ben Stiller movies; while they produce great entertainment value I just don?t see them in the same light.

After accomplishing the above listed goals I think I?d have to take a look at their bank account. Our government doesn?t seem to be doing much to help those in OUR country that can use some help so I think I?d have to distribute some of that wealth. There?s lots of food pantries that are running out of food that I would ensure got stocked up. There are lots of kids without proper clothing or even toys for that matter that I would ensure that they got what they needed. A few dollars can go a long way for those not as fortunate as us.

Yeah I rambled, yeah I?m probably a jerk in your opinion, and yeah I have no idea what I?m talking about but it?s all good.

Oh, and I?d make Ryan Seacreast shave his head bald!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:30 AM CDT

Name: Lost in NYC

Hollywood and the music industry are facing the same problems: pandering to the wrong demographic, the lowest common denominator with the most pedantic tastes. Anything that doesn't immediately make or sell millions isn't deemed worthy for public consumption. There are so few people who make art for art's sake, and the people who profess to be "artists" call themselves such simply to assuage the guilt. The word artist is thrown around so loosely these days. Anyone who commits anything to record these days is called an artist. Makes you feel sorry for real artists.

I hope the people who sell this schlock eventually see the light - the people who stick around the longest and make the most money in the long run are the real deal, who create a product worthy of consumption. Quality will always win over quality, you just have to stick it out for the long haul. Look at Terence Malick and Orson Welles, or Steely Dan for that matter on the music side. There are lots of examples. Movies like Troy, which try to pass themselves off as "marketable art", are fooling themselves. I hope creative industries eventually turn themselves around...[sigh]...

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:35 AM CDT

Name: lee

Fire the "creative" drones and VPS, then replace them with indie filmmakers with at least one credit -- then let those guys find films. They still have to be profitable, but they damned well better be interesting.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:36 AM CDT

Name: auntie_soshul

Who knew there was a world outside of Wil Wheaton's pulitzer-worthy drivel...I mean blog! Thank you for freeing me! And what do you think of Frank Casimiro's artwork by the way?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:37 AM CDT

Name: Regina
Home Page:

Great blog, interesting and mysterious! thats how i like my men, ha!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:54 AM CDT

Name: ^M^aria
Home Page:


You seriously rock, Jacob. That's one of the reasons I dumped The Biz to broaden my fiction writing career (which is going very nicely, thanks).

And I totally agree about TROY, Rance. Try being a Greek who read the _Iliad_ as you're watching that piece of crap. And that hammy Horner score! It stampeded all over the place. Every time the music swelled, I felt like dead Hector getting dragged around behind that chariot. My ancestors collectively rattled their gravestones. Where are the frenzying Maenads when you need them?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:57 AM CDT

Name: Seven

Odd, people dont seem to realize the last post (the last two) were not Rance, they were guest bloggers.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:12 PM CDT

Name: RussellDean

Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?
I would go to work! Mingle w/ the upper crust, save my money and after my year was up buy an island. As far as what would I do during my year there. Well really, I would make movies and be the star of them. ha! Then I would have a job when my years was up. The first movie I would get the studio to make is "Land of Opportunity" a romantic/comedy about a southern boy that chases his dreams. Well I guess I should say chases her. (I do have a copy right on that) ha. Seriously that's an interesting question because I wish had the chance to see instead of a dream like most of my thoughts and then back to work.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:03 PM CDT

Name: shinglehouse

It seems that the page has been buggy today....too much traffic? I tried posting a couple times but they never seem to go basically this is just another test to see if it works as I was trying to post an "essay" for the contest.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:17 PM CDT

Name: New here, name is Dani

Just wanted to intro myself. I am new around here. People were talking about it on a message board i frequent. Anyway, nice to have you on the net. Interesting read, if for no other reason than the mystery. And by the way, Barbra's hair has gone to shit.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:46 PM CDT

Name: Tabetha
Home Page:

Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Who am I? I am the editor of a literary magazine in Upstate New York. I also sold a sofa on ebay to the most famous man in New Zealand.

If I were named the head of Fox Studios I'd fire everyone and have all the company buildings knocked down until the area resembled Flint, Michigan after General Motors left, only sunnier.

Then I'd have my cousin film me at home with his Fisher Price Pixelvision camera stuffing my head into my Jenn-Air oven while the room filled up with gas. Hell, it would be a lot more entertaining than the dreck they've put out this year. And it would certainly smell better.

The credits of the film could say, "Based on Derek Humphrey's book, Final Exit", and my heirs could dedicate the film to Sylvia Plath and Jerzy Kosinski. Who knows, we could even win an Oscar for it! (After all, Pearl Harbor did.)

Years later, another studio could use the Fox ruins as a set...perhaps for the Gone With the Wind sequel Twelve Oaks Up in Smoke, a cinema verite' remake of Mad Max shot by a film student with the DTs, or Speed IV: So We Were a Little Late.

Perhaps a decrepit Mel Gibson could be unclenched from his walker and lashed to what is left of the main guard tower so he could re-enact yet another extended torture scene. Of course the audience will easily empathize, having undergone more than their own share in darkened movie theaters over the years.

Freee-dom indeed!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:53 PM CDT

Name: nikola1tesla
Home Page:

Bandwidth on this thing keeps stealing my posts!!

I'm not sure what happened to the new quiz Rance... but after much bumbling & forgetting to include my name in my posts... my answer is still "Richard Dreyfuss."

Holland= Mr Holland's Opus

Another George= "The Two Georges" the book he authored.

Nary a hint= Narrated the Johnstown Flood

Always a hint= Starred in "Always"

Never a scent= Wasn't cast in "Scent of a Woman"

A Hill got in the way after wanting to climb a moutain=
Auditioned for the Sound of Music (theme="Climb Every Mountain" but went to Beverly Hills School instead as a kid. Later starred in Down & Out In Beverly Hills.

Broadway to Hollywood looking for work= Came from New York, moved to Beverly Hills-- acted in American Graffitti.

A fine circle= Back to Broadway now starring in a touring Broadway play.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind featured their fine circle of a spaceship

Bites= Jaws... and Jaws 2

If this is the right answer to that quiz, would you stand by me?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:55 PM CDT

Name: schachin
Home Page:

First I want to say.. congrats on your 'essay' would be soo funny if not so true... I am an avid movie buff. I go every week at least once and I think this happens more often than not.. you can see where the original story was sliced and diced into mere sushi.. elements of the whole are still there, but totally desecrated..

As for those who write negative comments about Rance's posts... why do you care so much ? I just found out about this site a few days ago and already love the distraction it offers me when I need a break from my work (programming jockey).. if you don't like it why not just leave .. the person on the other end here is still a person.. A-list or not.. no need to be rude about it.. ok .. nuff on that .. I am sure Rance does not need me to defend him/her, but a little decorum people please.. I know..I know I am one of those annoying bleeding hearts, but better a bleeding one than none at all..;P

Thanks again Rance for your blog.. it is a lot of fun.. I have been going through and reading your old posts.. totally fascinating! Thanks!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:56 PM CDT

Name: Dano

This has got to be one of the dumbest weblogs I have ever seen. This person is either a loser with nothing else to do during the day, or so full of himself that just others writing about him or her is not quite enough to satisfy the ego.

What a waste of server space. What, no waiter positions left in your area?

"Later", D

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:59 PM CDT

Name: Weezer

Yeah, you should look into buying some bandwidth if you want people to read this.

And I thought this was going to be something good. I'll be in the back, sprinkling fairy dust amongst the place while making the servants clean up the bullshit.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:09 PM CDT

Name: ima10dude
Home Page:

>>Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?
The only logical response would be to sell the sucker before Sony latched onto it, then skip to B.A before the real owners find out. Hasta la vista, baby!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:14 PM CDT


I am Mance. Rance, please share to the world what I already know. Your cleverness has encapsulated your persona to the point of revelation. You have 3 days.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:15 PM CDT

Name: Liselle

Yes, and thankfully so. If Drudge hadn't done so, I would have been lost on the ways of Rance.

I was most amused by the /. effect that ensued for the hour after it was linked. Go, Tripod, go!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:19 PM CDT

Name: Susan

I have just finished reading your entire blog courtesy of the Drudge "Report" item this morning.

Forgive me if I stumble into already trampled territory (the only posting I read was the very clever one attributed to M. Depp), but I am pondering your puzzling range of references ... from Bratz dolls to Blonde Venus and Norma Desmond to mixing up Daisy Buchanan in Gatsby with Nicole Diver in Tender is the Night to baseball (the only sport you mention.)

I don't know/care who the heck you are, but I think you are an American League fan.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:26 PM CDT

Name: anonymous
Home Page: http://none

sorry but had to post this.. and just had to ask-- Rance is this where the name Captain Hoof came from ?

I love these cows .. ;)

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:33 PM CDT

Home Page:

i would put corey haim in a movie
that guys is due for a comeback :P

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:35 PM CDT

Name: Chris from Long Beach

quote: "About myself: I am Barbra Streisand's former hairdresser."

my 2 cents: key word being "former". keep pattin' yourself on the back though.

live in the now.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:43 PM CDT

Name: lightmejohnny
Home Page:

I would turn fox into a christian religious sounding board for people like John Ashcroft or turn it into a 24hr Hard Core Porn Channel. Yeah Baby

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:46 PM CDT

Name: Amy

If I was in charge of Fox for one year I would hire Drew Barrymore, to run the show, I am an ex marketing executive for the security industry so would not know what to do, and consider myself smart enough to know my limitations. I think she is one of the most talented people in show business. She is smart and knows what works, (except for the last Charlies Angels Movie), but then we all make at least one mistake in our lives.
I would also call Bill Orielly on my PMS days just so I had someone to argue with. This way no one else would have to listen to my crap.
I would get rid of The Swan, that show was like a bad car accident, very horrible but you cant seem to look away, then swear you wont watch it again.
I dont know that I would change much else. I dont watch TV too often, but when I do actually like the Fox Network and its pretty much the only network I do watch.

Now ask me about CBS or ABC and I can give you an earfull, I think their programming bites. They are 100 different kinds of boring. I could not even tell you one show that is on either one of those stations, except for the news, but thats a given. Oh yeah Lettermen is on one of them. Switch him to Fox!!! That would be one thing I would do, I would get Lettermen on Fox.

I would also bring Kelsey Grammer to a new sitcom on Fox.

I guess I had a few more ideas.

I will stop rambling now.

Amy in Connecticut
PS Go Yankeeeeeees.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:51 PM CDT

Name: Kevin

Yup, it's all about "plausable denial". Or is it "de nile"? Hey, that gives me an idea...

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:53 PM CDT

Name: ghettoballerMA

Dear Rance,

I'm a newcomer to this webpage, and I wanted to know weither or not you're going to tell us who you are. I think your posts are hilarious!


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 2:54 PM CDT

Name: Leigh


Damn it. I just discovered this blog, like 50 bajillion other people, as the result of some gossipy thing on yahoo!.com and have used it to amuse myself out of doing actual work all morning. That is, when the page would load, when the other 50 bajillion people weren't trying to read it at the same time.

So, okay, having already accustomed yourself to celebrity, I don't suppose that an enormous readership would trouble you too much, but then I got thinking, Of course this ups the stakes for deducing who you are, and you might, for the sake of your career, decide to stop blogging. Which would be a legitmate choice, of course. But I hope you don't.

This is funny stuff.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:08 PM CDT

Name: Goose
Home Page:

Of course I can't say whether or not you are who you say you are, whoever that is, or may be, or is prentending to be, and now I have a headcahe.

I work in the industry as well (for a major studio), though at a much lower level, so I'm still learning. I am a firm believer, however, that the Bar Marmot should be only referred to by the Americanized Mar-mot Bar, because seriously...f*ck the French. I can say that because I'm 1/4 French. F*ck them.

If you're an actor, you should be writing screenplays. If you're not an actor, you should DEFINITELY be writing screenplays. If you're an actor who is writing screenplays, it proves that I'm a genius, and also that I've just wasted 45 seconds of valuable typing effort.

In any event, I have linked on my my own Blog, which should bring in an extra 3-4 people per day.

Cheers and good luck.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:15 PM CDT

Name: tumultuous

Okay, I followed the advice of MSNBC and came to check it out. You're a good writer. As opposed to any of the other famous or semi-famous people I've ever met, you have something to say and a distinctive style of saying it. Think you'll do an autobiography someday?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:16 PM CDT

Name: Ettore Brasileiro

Peaple, look this page, is a brazilian page and the productor of site make many charges of bush, the site is

Out Bush

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:32 PM CDT

Name: Andrea
Home Page:

Hummm, can't imagine who you are. But.... it'll be very funy if you are nobody. LOL.
About the post from Jacob... I dont thing there are a formula for sucess, maybe you need just some luck, a good writer and actors with balls.
By and kisses from Brasil...

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:37 PM CDT

Name: Kingpin

I think Rance is Clint Howard. Who else could be so cynical about Hollywood making everyone a cliche. Unfortunately, ideas a dime a dozen, and people who put them into action are the rare occurence. This site is fun-but really, Rance, you should be out there...publicly making statements. If you "know Fame" as you say, you surely have a nestegg with which you could live depsite the supposed Hollywood backlash against your comments.

I guess its easier to steal a little of the thing you lash out at in doing this anonymously via the web.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:43 PM CDT

Name: Row

You were on Drudge's homepage today!"WHO IS IT? Hollywood Mystery Man 'Rance' Has Internet Abuzz..." I bet your bandwidth is spinning out of control.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:49 PM CDT

Name: cissa

That was definately the best (and most obvious) answer. Hire talented people. So simple.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:50 PM CDT

Name: Keith
Home Page:

Excellent site, I'm going to definately be checking back in to see what you're up to. Curious about how you feel about becoming a celebrity, the second time over?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:09 PM CDT

Name: Cynthia

Well I've just discovered this blog, saw the news stories. I was curious, so started reading- I'm only about half way thru but I have enjoyed the blog rance- Thanks for sharing.

btw- dodge vipers may be fast, but they ain't no mustang. (cherry red mustang lover from way back) and budweiser sucks...*laughing*

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:12 PM CDT

Name: Trance

Today's story by Rance reeks of JIM Carey, but hey what do I know. It could very well be Peter Jackson, Rachel Hunter, or Mark Hamilton from Neo Tech. Who really cares, the dialogue is interesting, couple that with the mystique of the author and we're talking immortaliity.. Anybody for Embryonic Stem Cell Research?


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:15 PM CDT

Name: Michael

Well like a zillion other news junkies I found my way here via Matt Drudge's website. Given the allure of an internet based medicine cabinet to snoop around in, I thought it might be fun to see what everyone was talking about. Its nice to see the traffic has died down from this morning's chaos. Great blogs Rance.. celebrity or not, your writing and thoughts are very interesting.

So.. what would I do if I were in charge of Fox? Well apart from putting together my dream project (um, that would be an "Al Franken v. Bill O'Reilly" title event on Celebrity Boxing III), I suspect I'd do the same as everyone else.. spend most of my time getting used to the new equilibrium of reality as it exists within the entertainment world.

Once fully indoctrinated I think I would gleefully produce a slew of reality shows that would push the envelope. For example, I'd combine Ashton Kucher's "Punk'd" with "The Swan" - the premise of the show would be to convince someone they would be getting an extreme makeover. But, secretly we would pay the Doctor to completely botch the job just so we can capture the hapless person's anguish at the unveiling. If I am lucky I may even be able to get Geraldo Rivera to host it (assuming he's not too busy..). Yes, the sky is the limit when you know no bounds and the viewing public is calling for more christians to the thrown to the lions.

Thanks again Rance for the interesting peak into 'life on the other side' - while many dream of making it to the big time, I am inclined to stay right where I am: in my sanctuary of unimportant oblivion. I think I will celebrate my long established UNcelebrity by going to get a coffee.. Does anyone know if there is there a starbucks close by? Ha ha ha ha.


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:40 PM CDT

Name: GG

If I were in charge of Fox Studios-

1. Live beyond my means (like everyone in LA)
2. Buy a large home in BHPO
3. Buy the entire set of Louis Vuitton luggage
4. Drive a cute car- ok maybe 10 cute cars
5. Shop only at Fred Segal

Oh yeah- the Fox Studio. Well who gives a shit, they will still continue to but out horrible predictable movies but at least I can live well a year.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 5:38 PM CDT

Name: Michael
Home Page:

First, I'm an idiot, pardon the post to the May 28th entry. It's Friday, I'm recovering from the BOOOOOOZE and other Birthday fun from the 27th. 25 now... blah. SOMEONE WISH ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLEASE!?

I'm a deskjockey for GM, maintaining a couple websites for a living (ChevyMall and if you wanna look at them). It doesn't do anything for me but pay the bills, so I volunteer time to the Air Force Aux. (Civil Air Patrol) running the Emergency Services Department for Squadron 23, Marin County, CA. I'm a certified/registered EMT, and would be happy making $10 an hour while working through Paramedic school if I could spend my life going from call to call helping people versus sitting behind this monitor for my work week. Now I have to break that new to the credit card companies... Oh yeah, and I go to school in my "free" time trying to get my AA, then my BS (always liked that name for a degree) when I have time. You wanna know more, my homepage is my journal, so read up!

If I were the God of Fox for a year I'd make a movie based on the visuals you get when you listen to George Carlin on stage. After that, I'd totally have to get Fox into the porn industry. After my attempt to have the casting couch placed in my office, I'd turn to Kevin Smith and tell him I have a boner for another Jay and Silent Bob movie. I'd ask him to put me in it if he thought I'd do it justice. I'd insist that Fox provide Paramedic training to anyone that wants it (hehe, yeah, self serving am I, but at least I would help people when I was kicked off the lot!).

Following my first week in office, I'd start to look at ways to make the stars/film crew more at home on the set... worse food (read: REAL FOOD), permission to slap pushy directors, options to use the casting couch in my office when I have porn auditions, start a bowling league, build a paintball arena and force directors to run across the range once a week. If they're liked and kind to people, they have nothing to worry about, right? I'd make myself available in case this Rance person wanted to meet and go play paintball or just relax on the roof with some lemonade and a couple beach chairs as sunset approaches. Doesn't anyone just take a fuckin' walk anymore? A petting zoo would be a must, along with an In-N-Out.

After that first month is done, it's time to look into creative control, and returning it to the people that write the books that are made into movies. Sum of All Fears... Need I say more? If I deem you to be more then an idiot, then you get to punk the people that are turning your work into the next blockbuster. Making a movie about a woman that overcomes blah blah blah, cool. Just don't make me sit through the screening unless she's getting it on a lot in the movie. If it's about a Spice Girl, I'll escort you to Rance's Paintball Arena (shameless, brown nosing). Without pads... And we'll use golfballs from special cannons versus paintballs.

If you're wanting to make a movie about politics or how George Bush is evil, #1 get a clue, they're pretty much all the same in DC so shove your crap in front of someone else, #2, "Have you seen our new Paintball Arena? Excuse me Ms. Assistant, can you tell them to prep the cannons for a demonstration..."

I'd meet some people, see some sights, save my money to create a nest egg, shake the shit out of the entartainment industry, and then take my turn at the paintball range and hopefully not face too many shots from the gallery.


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:03 PM CDT

Name: star (not the movie type just a bri

Very well done Rance, you weave words into magic that would make any script writer or columnist green with envy, I don't care who you are just keep up the amusing and insightfull writings.

Applauds from the land downunder.


Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:05 PM CDT

Name: the real Bondrock

... if you were the real Bondrock you would know how i like my drinks... get yurself a new moniker!

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:12 PM CDT

Name: Hollywood Oracle
Home Page:

There is a reason that Barbra fired you...

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:59 PM CDT

Name: Kevin Gregg

Excellent questions!

Perhaps Rance is breaking a contract agreement somewhere along the line. Tho his tales may seem trite from our perspective, they may go over some written line that an uptight studio executive put into place. Lord knows what "Thou shalt not"s Rance is signed into.

As for his bothering to mention that he's a celeb in the first place, I can see he would do that since it is what he is. Imagine a physician trying to write a blog about his life without mentioning he's a physician. I guess he could skip the part about saying he's a physician and just tell us about his notable day where a patient he works with died, and how the damned drug salesmen hound him at his office, and leave us to figure out what that means. We would of course put it together soon enough that he's a doctor. That blogger might as well say from the get go that he's a doctor.

Could it be Rance is actor David Hyde Pirece? "Frasier" is over. Has time on his hands. Is Pierce married? If so, what's he doing chasing an American girl in Cuba? Ahh. That would explain why he mustn't reveal his identity.

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 12:27 AM CDT

Name: Lora


please do it again after 150 posts. I appreciate it. I'm feeling dizzy here.

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 2:58 AM CDT

Name: Maldito

Fake, fake and fake.

viper? thats fun

keep the lie, who really cares?

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 5:57 AM CDT

Home Page:

its 4:50am,i'm 22 & i dont sleep cause i am always thinking about stuff

What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

1)Hire a writer who actually has an original idea and not some mindless drone who taps out remakes of tv/movies and sequels.
2)Have a trap door in my office so when people pitch the idea of "Eurotrip 2:Destination London", they will be swimming with the fishes see!
3)Open a Rehab Clinic, Hire camera team to follow around celebs in detox then later blackmail celebs to sign onto a movie with a significant pay cut.
4)Pay per view fight. The Corey's (yes thats right, feldman vs.haim) Haim wins, cause well, we all saw feldman on surreal life. Immediatly follow the match with new fox dramady "Haimburger" starring haim and paul sorvino with a guest appearance from william hung as haims retarded asian roommate.
5)blackmail hot actors/actress with convienant career destroying photos for personal reasons
7)Realize that the entire population of canada does not want to see stupid Rochester Area commercials and news casts. I dont care about jim the hammer shapiro, call 18005467777 or your marina dodge dealership.
8)Move to hemet, ca and surround my trailer with green painted rocks to look like grass

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 8:31 AM CDT

Name: Colonel Saito

If I were given control of Fox Studio's I'd probably just play the Simpson's 24/7............ tastes like burning.......

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 8:49 AM CDT

Name: Finn

Assuming you're (Rance) a gentile actor, any chance you'd be willing to discuss Jews as a Hollywood ?market-dominant-minority?"

Jewish nepotism in Hollywood: a kinship-based hierarchy.

"The highest paid, and most important, and influential jobs in the big studios, networks, film distribution, agents, managers, casting, entertainment law, and film, and television producing is completely dominated by "connected" Jews ("unconnected" Jews & gentiles need not apply). They are run like Jewish "friend and family" employment agencies yet they are publicly held properties. Meritocracy, creativity, talent, ability, fairness, and opportunity have little place in the film business."

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 8:49 AM CDT

Name: Adriana

He's MEL GIBSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 1:36 PM CDT

Name: CMJ

WJ - you totally rock - as do BGC, Betty, Lora and WW who are the only regulars I've come across recently. Where is everyone (and I mean the pre-Reuters, Drudge, et al. EVERYONE) Please come back! WJ, I will be scanning quickly for your posts.

P.S. - I am not from Brazil.

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 7:33 PM CDT

Name: ribbons

While you are not wasting our time with your posts, why don't you review the blog and the intentions of the author? It was not his stated intention to be "discovered" by every tabloid and cyberrag and gossip-hungry wannabe, nor to indulge the mean-spirited in more invasions of privacy for celebrity and non-celebrity alike. He (or she) is a humane human, and THAT is plenty good enough for us.

Had Rance initiated the publicity and exaggerated descriptions of the blog, you would have a minor point. "The point of being anonymous is to be able to name names without fear of reprisal." gods... If you actually believe that, "Hardly A Tabloid", it would explain so much.

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 7:45 PM CDT

Name: waxwing


I so hope you were gesturing with a big barbequed shrimp as you were ennumerating the items in your comment summary. That image still makes me laugh. I award the conch to you and await the next installment.

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 9:33 PM CDT

Name: WendyJo

Amen Wheeler. Rance, are you listening???!!!! (Maybe Rance is just trying to get all the extra Fox studio comments out of the way before the deadine. At least, I HOPE that is what's going on). Too much Rance!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 9:35 PM CDT

Name: Neneshark
Home Page:


I am a person who has no experience with Hollywood or show business. I am in the legal field.

On my first day at Fox, I would get all the creative teams together and cancel every project which has yet to be started. Next, I would direct them to put together ideas for reality shows which could translate into movies. Why? That is what people want now. Plus, they are much cheaper to produce, and more broadly accepted. Also, assuming they were successful, a sequel would be simple because they are not truly plot or character driven.

I would market my movies as tie-in's to TV shows. I would allow Fox to keep football, King of the Hill, 24 and The Simpsons, but everything else would be reality based.

I would concentrate on shows similar to Jackass. Why? People love that stuff. It has broad appeal, and the "actors" do not require millions to secure. I would assume the costliest expenses would be for disability insurance and hospital bills. Heck....a little blood never hurt anyone.

I would allow four movies to be made every two years which were not reality driven. Two of the movies would come from independents because they are the only well-written movies these days. I would outlaw anymore period pieces. All good stories have been told, and no one cares about a war movie written around a love story. War is about blood, death and gore. No one looked like Nicole Kidman in the 1800's!

The other two movies would be based on extreme sports, car racing, or intricate thrillers. I would get rid of all the "pitch men" in Hollywood and find my stories from unknown screen writers. That way....the stories stay fresh, and everyone who wants a chance to make their mark on Hollywood will get it. In fact....that would be my next reality show.....American Writers. They would submit their story on national TV, and eventually have the voting public decide what they like.

Well...these are my ideas. Do with them what you will.


Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 11:11 PM CDT

Name: Jay Bondrock
Home Page: http://none

JB: Bartender! Give me a Rocks on Rocks... and put that in a 'dirty' glass....

Barney: Gee Fred, I don't know...

Fred: Barney-my-boy, sit back and watch the master at work. Uh, excuse me... Mr. Bondrock?

Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 12:24 AM CDT

Name: Upon Nighted Plains

Regarding Schwarzenegger...

(I don't assume you meant Grey Davis)

I wasn't there, so I don't know the context, but perhaps he was just fooling about...? "In" the moment.

People do that.

Not defending him, mind you, since, as I say, I wasn't there.



Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 12:28 AM CDT

Name: Upon Nighted Plains

Hey, Dano...

Only an asshole assumes a guy is instantly lying because he claims to have a better life than yours.

On the other hand, only an asshole instantly believes all they read in a Blog.

And somewhere between lies a tin can half-full of Evian.


Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 12:43 AM CDT

Name: Upon Nighted Plains


First, if you think Hollywood is in ANY WAY a "Meritocracy," or *would* be without Jewish influence, you've been hittin' the Amsterdam coffee shoppes too, too hard, my friend.

Second, If you have an issue with Jews in Hollywood, I suggest you start your own studio.

No Jewish person I've ever dealt with has held my being a Gentile against me.

And it has nothing to do with the fact that I wear a yarmulke at all times, even in the shower. I mean, it helps, dude, it really does.

Just kidding.

Hey, listen; Jewish people stick together, generally speaking. The rest of us would do well to emulate this. I respect their sense of community.

What's going on in Israel is another story, of course.

But don't tell Mickey I said so. She'd have my ass.

Having said that, I'm not sure I dig your veiled commentary.

Be very careful with your compass, mate.

Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 2:03 AM CDT

Name: John

With Christopher Reeve starring, I'm afraid there'd have to be some radical changes in Superman's abilities...

Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 2:26 AM CDT

Name: John

Damn, dude - if this is so offensive to you, why don't you go write your own damn "anonymous guy claiming to be a famous actor" blog?

Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 5:59 AM CDT

Name: To Abe

O.J has more class than this...

Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 1:47 PM CDT

Name: S.M.

Nicely said, DW, nicely said. Whole heartedly agree about this outlet being a grounding point.

Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 11:02 PM CDT

Name: Skip
Home Page: http://forget it

Just for grins I posted a b.s. comment to see what would happen.

SPAM went crazy at the address I posted.

FUCK YOU, "Rance."

Friday, 4 June 2004 - 12:58 AM CDT

Name: NawTeeBaby

First time poster here. Been reading all the Rance-capades and have enjoyed thoroughly - celeb or not! BabyGirl, Curious Girl, Waxwing, et al, I've come to feel like I know you all just a little bit through your posts and you all sound like a wonderful group. I was a silent participant with you every step of the way during your Charlie's Angels adventures, etc, and rootin' for ya' much fun.

Anyway, I did check out the films BDub referenced in his post, and I could not help but mention that this stuff is HYSTERICAL!!

Good luck to all on the essays...and Rance, I miss you, too.

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