Below are the two more winners in the Angelina Jolie As President and Eleanor Roosevelt movie pitch essay contests. Pitchers Rick Suvalle and seakrits each receive ten DVPs (Dodge Viper Points) redeemable towards either a brand new Dodge Viper or (a new blog feature!) a keg. Congrats, Rick and seakrits.
First, from vacation in New Jersey:
"The stuff I'm up to list"
1 Hoagie Haven fo cheesesteaks
2 The Bronx to deliver some souvenirs from the Netherlands
3 Check out a few (strip)clubs in NYC
4 Drink as many mixed drinks as I can handle (I'll probably pass out)
5 Shop til I drop
6 See if the NY men are really that qute
More sugestions are welcome.....
And now the featured attractions....
HAIL TO THE QUEEF
by Rick Suvalle
We open in an America on the heels of Judgment Day - terrorism is rampant, gas prices are through the roof, Roe vs. Wade is on the verge of being overturned and television and radio broadcasts are forced to implement a fifteen second delay in the event SpongeBob SquarePants decides to show a little too much sponge for the Right's liking...
Enter Angelina Jolie, a stripper with a heart of gold (I know, is there any other kind?) Since the cost of showing her breasts on screen would be prohibitive we'd license footage from that lesbian model flick she did and deftly insert a few money shots. Anyway...
As fate would have it, it's an election year and the Democratic candidate for President has a penchant for strip clubs. To make a long story 250 words or less, our candidate has a heart attack in the midst of one of Angelina's famous $14 lapdances. Now the Democratic National Committee must scramble to find a new candidate. With America in such a state of moral confusion someone in the DNC jokes that they should nominate the stripper. It gets a chuckle, but hey, this close to the election they're gonna lose anyway, so why the hell not?
Cut to six months later: Angelina kicks the incumbent's ass to become the first female President. Granted incumby did start a war and run up the national debt. But to Angelina's credit, she did offer her voters two-for-one lapdances if elected.
UNTITLED ELEANOR ROOSEVELT PROJECT
As I know virtually nothing about Eleanor Roosevelt except for the fact that she was a closeted lesbian, I propose the following summer blockbuster (keep in mind while reading that I am lacking in the creativity department):
Eleanor Roosevelt is a well-known phlebotomist, but not-so-well-known time traveler. The bullet that shot Abraham Lincoln was actually intended for Mary Todd (Booth was Mary's drug dealer), but Eleanor held a grudge against Abe for having an affair with her best friend's sister's daughter's boyfriend's aunt, "Elizabeth", and for creating Mary Todd into an opium addict. She went back in time and knocked Booth's elbow while he wasn't looking and Abe suffered the gunshot wound instead of Mary Todd. (this is a subplot in the greater script.)
Enter Angelina Jolie as Hepzibah Scrufflefeathers, a dear friend of Eleanor's and also a crime-fighting machine. When she finds out what Eleanor is up to, she confronts her and warns against using her powers to her advantage and changing the course of history. Eleanor doesn't listen and Hepzibah is forced to have a showdown with her dear friend, ending in a long drawn-out girl-on-girl fight scene where there is a lot of hair-pulling and shirt-tearing and Eleanor bites it in the end. So sad. Lots of sniffles and wailing ensues.
Ends with the music video for Gwar's cover of "My Heart Will Go On."