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Rance wuz here...
Thursday, 26 August 2004
Rubber Duckie's Darkly Comical Comedy, Part I
It was a dark and stormy night...Bwahahahaha, just kiddin'


"Obituary of the Organ Lady"


The front page of The Weekly Tribune read as follows:

Grenadine "Deanie" Roze Quick, age 93, slid off the organ bench and into the Almighty's hands this past Wednesday, literally, in the middle of her stirring rendition of "Ain't Got Time to Die". She was the organist of the First Baptist Church where she had dutifully and selflessly served her Heavenly Father for the last 50 years.

Nary a service went by without Deanie Roze pressing the pedals and tickling the ivories. Her fellow churchgoers say she was as reliable as the U.S. Mail. Whether rain, or snow, or sleet or ail nothing was going to prevent Deanie Roze from showing up in her hat and veil to caress her beloved 1955 Casavant pipe organ. She loved working the Sunday crossword puzzle and enjoyed the company of her two dogs, Ho and Hum.

Deanie Roze was born January 13th, 1911 right here in our own Community Hospital to Abraham Taylor and Mary Porter. She was proceeded in death by the love of her life, her husband, Jack B. Quick...and quickened he was way back on October 31st, 1976.

She is survived by her daughter, Mary Love Quick, of St. Louis, Missouri.

A memorial service has yet to be scheduled as an inquisition into the incident of death has been ordered by Judge Woodrow T. Wiley.

(to be continued)


Posted by captainhoof at 5:01 AM CDT
Updated: Friday, 27 August 2004 11:02 AM CDT
Post Comment | View Comments (34) | Permalink

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 11:48 AM CDT

Name: El
Home Page: http://www.livejournal.com/users/elmccormick/

Lovely obituary...best part of the newspaper, really.

However...dearest A.S, is Rance only going to make a biweekly appearance now? I'm suffering withdrawal.

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 12:18 PM CDT

Name: JCanuck
Home Page: http://bulgybit.blogspot.com/

We're going to have an Inquisition? Cool! I'd better start practising my Spanish.

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 1:51 PM CDT

Name: Ed R

Inquisition? Spanish?
Not the Comfy Chair!!

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 1:54 PM CDT

Name: Rubber Duckie

You're a character J.C.

It appears, though, that this audience is not lookin' for fictional entertainment. They want Rance and I hope he obliges them soon as it seems that so many interestin' people are droppin' off like flies. Please come back before they're all gone...

As I said, I am a duck of my quack, but I think I'm gonna leave this story right where it is. In truth, it has grown into a very complex tale of more than 10,000 words, which I am afraid is far too long to subject you all to. Perhaps some day you'll read "the rest of the story" from the book on your bedside table...Crossin' eyes and holdin' my breath...

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 1:54 PM CDT

Name: flyrchld

(sits back with JCanuck, and begins practicing her conjugations)

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 3:01 PM CDT

Name: fish

Is that a comment on her health, "rain, or snow, or sleet or AIL" or a typo for "rain, or snow, or sleet or ALE"?

Just wonderin'...

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 3:36 PM CDT

Name: JCanuck

I think that was one of those snotty french words. That would translate as "rain, snow, sleet or garlic". I guess we can rule out the vampire.

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 3:36 PM CDT

Name: roscohatten

That's it, Rubber?! Come on, you fowl tease, how about just one more glass?

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 3:38 PM CDT

Name: princessr9
Home Page: http://princessr9.tripod.com

Hey! I liked it, but it appears I'm typin' too much as my comment didn't get posted. I'm not mad A.S., just disappointed. I'm gonna go cry in my ail. Sorry, ale.

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 3:43 PM CDT

Name: feenxc

rdd, can't wait til wiley t. holds the inquest. read your comment about holding back on the rest of this story...don't you dare! lots of words are what we live for. it might take weeks, but what else is there for us to do til rance comes back for a visit? sprinkle in some ken, a touch of wheeler, some droplets from other interesting posters, and we're set for quite a while. please reconsider, please, please

admin, talk her into it, please, please

kisshugs to all!!

nastrovia (now everybody take a drink)

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 3:43 PM CDT

Name: Rubber Duckie

Ahhhhahahahahahaaaa....it's ail as in health...no typo....

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 3:44 PM CDT

Name: Rubber Duckie

Mwah, a tease? Never! I'll oblige you with ONE more glass...

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 3:55 PM CDT

Name: JCanuck

Ouch, I just read some of the comments on the last couple of entries. Seems like back to school shopping is getting on everybody's nerves these days.

Duckie, I for one have a long attention span and would love to hear why they think there is something suspicious about the death. Also, I am sure that there is significance to the names, and will forever wonder what if you don't finish it. Plsssssssss

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 4:13 PM CDT

Name: Kit

Rance smance! You can't tease us with a great story like that and leave us hanging Duckie!! I, for one, demand more. Rance will come back if and when he feels like it. Don't let just a handful of extreme ranceaddicts run you off. By golly gum I won't stand for it!! I demand more duck! (Or Ken, or Wheeler, or whomever chooses to tell a tale)

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 6:19 PM CDT

Name: Lisa Marie

Hello All (A.S., the "regulars" Dearest Rance)

Well I am back from vacation and have caught up on the Captainhoof Blog and have really enjoyed all of the guest writers, especially Rubber Duckie sharing the obit out of the paper. Very good use of blog space in my humble opinion.

But Rance, darlin, you have this weekend left to play, and then next Tuesday, after Labor Day, it is really time you come back to us, school will have started and you will need a place to vent.

Also, A.S., have you found a vampire yet who will write an entry, I had gotten my hopes up before vacation that you had found a vampire, but now I am sad to see that your efforts were not successful. Please keep trying, but make sure you don't get yourselves killed, okay!

Anyway...hugs and kisses to all!

LM

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 7:27 PM CDT

Name: Bubba

The mad scientists began the experiment in the hopes that one day people would share crazy stories without malice and mean mayhem towards their fellow mankind. They mixed and matched, they titilated and teased, and then eventually they dropped off of the "organ bench" they had made. The sad little experiment they had created somehow, facing the loss of their leader and possible destruction of their blogdominum, thrived, and became a tightly knit community, much like a ski mask over the face of humanity. They told stories just as clever as the cat who left the hat, and they posted more often then him too. In the end, how will the experiment turn out?

Why is anyone still trying to figure out who Rance is?..(I guess everybody's gotta have a quest in life.) The fifteen or so village irregulars who are still typing are like Rance in their own way. If he doesn't post, he doesn't exist right? "There is no spoon", or we're the spoon, ...or maybe a spork..nevermind.

Duckie: please tell me more about the church lady who stepped on a rainbow while laying down some heavy gospel.

Out,
Bubba

Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 8:19 PM CDT

Name: Sass

(sits back with canuck and fly and leans over to whisper...
"Now 'aint this some sh*t? Finally gets our attenion off the main man and then decides to.......'What, Rubber? Nothin'...do whatever you want'.........................................................
..............................................................
....................."

whispering lower..
"Now...what was I sayin'...oh yeah, well, ain't this some sh*t? That's all I'm saying. What does she think? Or is it he? Personally I don't buy the mommy stuff.....")


later

S

Pee YES: (I can't help myself...that was funny)
Rubber! Don't leave us hanging, baby. You got the spotlight.......now USE IT! Do you know how many would give their left nut or ......whatever to have your spot!!!
SERIOUSLY. And hey, don't get mad....creative writing ...these are jokes.....humor....as in sense of...)

Give us more!


Thursday, 26 August 2004 - 11:46 PM CDT

Name: El

Rubber Duckie,

I meant no offense to you with the "I want Rance back" comment...just my awful timing.

I can't wait for the next serving!

El

P.S. My Wonka representative, Karen, told me (in a tired voice) that Wacky Wafers had been discontinued since 1998. Yay for inspiring an active movement to revive candy!

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 6:18 AM CDT

Name: melp*
Home Page: http://smelllllyp.tripod.com/blog/

maybe hail? it fits into the theme of precipitation.

but lovely story so far, even if it was an obituary.

xo mel

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 6:31 AM CDT

Name: crouchingtiger16
Home Page: http://crouchingtiger16.tripod.com

did you know that if you look the name rance up in an online baby-name book, it says that the name is of french origin and means "a kind of belgian marble". that's like as cool as it gets!

oh yeah, ps: on August 27, 3004, it will be a monday

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 7:46 AM CDT

Name: Heather

Dear Rance,
Hopefully you read this for the point of me writing it! I read of your website in an Australian magazine, your proving to be quite popular. Whether or not the ownership on being a celebrity is fact or fiction I?m yet to decide but if I could ask one thing it would have to be why not say what you REALLY want to say. Look, I?m obviously not a celebrity and have never had anything to do with the media (which is of course who/what really decides who gets to be a celebrity and who doesn?t) but if I had paparazzi following my every move and interviewers wanting to know my every thought where I had to watch what is said in every sentence! I would soak this website up and say what annoyance/humiliation/anger/happiness/frustration occurs in my day. You?ve had this website going for eight months?the ownership isn?t getting out so soak it up. Of course, who?s to say this whole blog is even fact.

We?ll do lunch ;)
Heather.

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 9:53 AM CDT

Name: lookin at Brady booty
Home Page: http://www.livejournal.com/users/mslauren2930/

ah, it's a good thing I have oodles of pictures of Tom Brady to help me pass the time between servings of this intriguing story.

but, as everyone else has said, Duckie, you're quite the tease by just giving us that smidge to go on. write more! write more!

(not that I'm a demanding person or anything...I'll go back to my pictures of Tom Brady's booty to pass the time)

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 10:00 AM CDT

Name: princessr9
Home Page: http://princessr9.tripod.com

Hey there Administrative Staff, I just notice something about the title of RD story and please correct me if I'm wrong, but is it really supposed to be Rubber Duckie's DARKY comical comedy or DARKLY comical comedy. Not that I'm trying to spell check ya' or anything, but I wouldn't want anybody to be offended.

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 10:57 AM CDT

Name: Cheryl

(You had to go and do it, didn't you, RD? So I see... it's all downhill from here. Well, make room on the sled, I'm going down with you. Here's one for you, but I don't know if R. will be able to post considering it is technically a "joke", of the plagarized variety no less. Sorry, but it's the only kind I know.)


Obituary of the Pillsbury Doughboy


Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was still considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.





Friday, 27 August 2004 - 11:17 AM CDT

Name: Rubber Duckie

I know you meant no offense and none was taken...I just kind of feel like the bad intermission act killin' time cause the headliner won't come back on stage...I'm on constant look out for boos and flyin' vegetables...

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 11:19 AM CDT

Name: Rubber Duckie

Apparently, I've given both of mine...{@:

I personally would like to hear the rest of Peter Pepper Piper Pickin his Pickled Peppers...

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 11:20 AM CDT

Name: Rubber Duckie

Bubba,

Definitely a spork...

Do you have a blog???

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 11:22 AM CDT

Name: Rubber Duckie

Thank you! I didn't want to appear an ingrate so I didn't say anything, but secretly that was drivin' me BATTY!

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 11:24 AM CDT

Name: Rubber Duckie

A.S.,

I know you hate getting this comments, but please forgive me...

ROFLMAO Cheryl....

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 11:28 AM CDT

Name: princessr9
Home Page: http://princessr9.tripod.com

Geez guys! I wasn't expectin' to have that posted, I was just trying to help.

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 2:35 PM CDT

Name: princessr9
Home Page: http://princessr9.tripod.com

Your very welcome. I saw that this morning and had to read it twice to check it was what I thought it was. Everybody makes typos now and then, but that could have been bad. And no thanks from the all powerfull Admin., though I did notice it was changed right.

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 2:36 PM CDT

Name: princessr9

It was changed right away. Shit, talkin' about typos and I made one.

Friday, 27 August 2004 - 6:43 PM CDT

Name: Sass

Strangely enough, out of everything I've written...the Peter Piper tale was the complete and utter truth.....(until today's post)
But no one wants that I suppose...

Are we getting #three on your tale?

I've writtten something similar to this....you might find it interesting...


later

Sass

Saturday, 28 August 2004 - 3:16 AM CDT

Name: flyrchld

a fpoon,....how bout a spife....hmmm....really just kinda like soup spoons... you know the really deep ones you can get all your fruit loops AND milk in.... yeah.... spoons....

fly

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