Monday, 2 August 2004 - 1:32 PM CDT

Dear AS -
Here in Chicago we are happy to have Nomar Garciaparra join our Cubbies. However, even though he hasn't been playing well since returning from DL, we will miss Alex Gonzalez.
Yes, Rubber Duckie would be a good choice, IF we cannot have the original Rance.

So AS, are you Cubs fans?

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 1:33 PM CDT

i dont know about rance but im a bitter 50yr old man married to a sexless hag and havent been laid in three years im fat balding and spending part of each day at a makeshift shrine worshipping sela ward all to no avail im thinking this bloggy thing may be cheap therapy ... let me know peeps

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 1:59 PM CDT

Whew, A.S., and here I was getting ready to start a rant about "typical bloody man, just stops calling"!

I was reading somewhere that the Kerry and Bush bus convoys passed within 37 miles of each other. Somehow that brought to mind a maniacally laughing Bush gunning his bus head on towards Kerry's in some sort of a crazed game of chicken.

How about suggesting to your boss that he apply for the post of Rance? That way he could be Rance without being Rance, sort of like Rumsfeld's "unknown unknowns" thing. We, on the other hand, will all politely pretend that Rance isnt' Rance, and happily let him do other things than rant, since it won't be Rance not ranting.

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 2:20 PM CDT

Wow, a cat food industry insider! You see, the cat food industry really lacks what pretty much every other industry has: whistleblowers and insiders anonymously leaking out information. I want to know exactly what goes into my kitty's "Ocean Whitefish Dinner", and why it looks exactly like the "Beef Dinner" or the "Chicken and Rice Dinner". And possibly if there have been any mafia killings and/or body disposals as the cat food factory, that'd just be good blog material.

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 2:56 PM CDT

Fancy Rance sure did a good job at the Democratic Convention, didn't he? Too bad we don't have better choices..

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 3:06 PM CDT

To say that I'm disappointed that I didn't find this blog earlier would be an understatement. I started reading to "solve the mystery" (I'll not embarass myself by posting my guesses) but after a few entries, I found it to be purely entertaining. But, it seems, as Waxwing so aptly put it, that it's time to leave the wake.

ah well.

-b

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 3:38 PM CDT

For that little bottle of water, Evian, in case she missed it as she flitted by....

I was readin' a book today (Yes, I read) from one of those flea markets by the side of the road (I brake for books)and you won't believe what I just read... I quote "thoughts that were like lightning-poems". How ironic, huh? Me talkin' about invisible lightnin and you talkin about wordless poetry and now she is talking about lightnin poems.....

You seem to be a well read drink of water. Do you know what book I'm reading? I'll give a new clue for every wrong guess, but only one per post. I have given you two clues already....

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 3:53 PM CDT

There's nothing more refreshing than finding that the internet has been further enriched by yet another weblog, this time written not only by a person who is self-important but a person whose self-importance is reaffirmed by everyone around him.

Weblogs: The MSG of the internet that makes everything taste the same.

Given the road the entertainment industry is going along these days, you should set up an internet reality site and choose from a range of freak contestants on who should be the next administrator of this site to assert his/her masturbatory prowess.

I'm bored and nauseous. I'm gonna get some Coke and cigarettes

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 4:25 PM CDT

JCanuck -
When I read your post this popped into my head:

If two Presidential Campaign buses are traveling on the same highway at a speed of 70 miles per hour. The Republican nominee is headed due south, and the Democratic nominee is headed due north. At 12:32pm HDT they had both stopped at roadside cafes to "surprise" the locals with their visit. Each of the candidates by 7 apples, 2 red, 3 green and 2 yellow. When they get back on the road, they are within 37 miles of each other, and it is 3:47 pm HDT.

Which of the buses is Rance hiding on?

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 4:46 PM CDT

I am glad that we still have the Administrative Staff to keep us semi posted. I wouldn't appreciate an Administrative Support Staff or ASS for short cause it would feel like the second Darrin on Bewitched. Ya know what I mean?

Ken

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 4:54 PM CDT

You must know that I root for the Red Birds.....

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 5:25 PM CDT

The one with the floozy aboard?

I wish that no one had used that word, I've been humming "Flat foot floozy with a floy floy" ever since...

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 5:37 PM CDT

To be the next Rance one must be equally capable of disseminating fiction and fact among such a large following, doing so in such a way that the art of life shines lucidly through what is usually a dull abstraction of the two.

I offer no moral suasion for why I should be the next Rance, nor do I wish to defend my case in any way beyond the words of this short message. What is contained herein, for the world to read, is enough to stake claim to the institution that has come of this entity.

I think therefore I am. Famous words from a not so famous thinker. I, like him, can spawn a tale so vivid that it can travel the world in less time than a jet airplane. This, my friends, is the gift of a privileged life. For I am equally comfortable on the red carpet as I am in the boardroom; from discussions with global leaders to expeditions in exotic lands. I am everywhere yet nowhere at the same time.

I bid you well in search for a predecessor. In respect to my identity I offer only the following wisdom: Are those among us really like us at all? Is that man we see everyday at the newsstand on the way to work really who we think he is, a meagre soul scraping a living in the dissolutions of this life? I have experienced wealth in its radiant glory, and poverty in its abject harshness, I have triumphed and failed, and I offer insights that few before me have known, few today will understand, and that will one day lead to a demise of mankind.

Farewell,

Enigma

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 5:45 PM CDT

Rubber Duckie,

"flitted"? I fly, I flap, I flop, but flit?

True story: I was at another blog at which a photo of a Barry Manilow bobblehead was posted. My computer saw it and melted. (I don't blame it, I nearly did, too). It took a tapestry of colorful curses and lots of button-pecking to bring it back online. I had scanned the new posts but not scribbled the question down. I thought I had a week or so, if recent precendent were a guide...

OK, I'm game for a game. Combination guess/plug: Vinegar Bone. But do you know what I am reading? And for you: anotherarchy@yahoo.com

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 6:05 PM CDT

Thank you for calling me "too intelligent." Or maybe you meant I was one of the "too inexperienced." Personally I think I'm just very adept at pretending to be intelligent. Which means I'm probably "too experienced" and not intelligent enough which would make me a perfect successor!

Just kidding! Whatever you choose works for me. I'm kinda digging doing my own blog. As I said before, I owe it all to you!

-T.B.

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 6:28 PM CDT

As you all know, I drive a big rig, and thru the end evers of my hard work I meet lots of...shall we say interestin', yes interestin', folk. I have a regular drive-by acquaintance who has had the opportunity to ride with me on more than one occasion. She definitely walks to the beat of a different drum, but not a more genuine person will you meet. The following is a story told to me by her. I will refer to her from here on out as "drive-by". It is repeated purely for your entertainment value as I found it highly intriguin'. The name of any person mentioned herein is merely for the tellin' of this tale. They are innocent as far as I know and in no way have been connected to the crime at hand.

Okay. Here goes....

Back durin' the Beltway Sniper days "drive-by" was a cable news network addict. Since 9-11 she rarely changed the channel to even catch her local news. She was on permanent stand-by awaitin' the next big attack. I'm sure this was from a combination of PTSD and OCD, but regardless, the woman spent every waking moment watchin' cable news networks.

She flipped around from CNN to FOX to MSNBC.

On October 11th, 2002 drive-by was tuned in to MSNBC as they were givin' live coverage of a sniper hit that mornin'. Chris Jansing was on live with the 'manager' of the gas station where this latest attack had occurred. The exchange of the interview was as follows:

CHRIS JANSING: I have on the phone Michael Scenna, he is the manager of the Exxon station where the shooting occured. Michael, thank you for joining us.

MICHAEL SCENNA: Yes, I'm here.

CHRIS JANSING: What can you tell us about what happened this morning, where were you, what, what did you see and hear?

MICHAEL SCENNA: I'm the manager here and I was working when, when, when this all went down this morning, and uh, basically this gentleman, he comes into the store everyday, and he's very well known, and everybody likes him, and it was just horrible to be, um, what had happened to him.

CHRIS JANSING: Did you see anything? Did you hear anything? We know that there has been one guy who works across the street who reported seeing this white van, um, but what did you see?

MICHAEL SCENNA: I saw the man, um, being snowballed by Howard Stern.

Obviously, it was a prank call. How he ever got past the staff at MSNBC to be live on the air is beyond me. It just goes to show you how desperate the competition was to one-up the other. They didn't even verify this guy was who he said he was.

Regardless, drive-by was bothered by this whole scene, mainly because she had no idea what the term "snowballed" meant. She is a detective at heart and she began to scour the internet lookin' for a definition or explanation of "snowballed". She looked and she looked and she looked, all to no avail. (BTW, if any of you know exactly what this term means she'd be indebted to you for life. It's been a thorn in her side ever since.) She did, however, luck upon a blog where a poster had commented on the interview with a play by play of what was said. To this day, that post is still there and as proof of the authenticity of this story, here is a link to it.

http://www.inarguendo.blogspot.com/2002_10_06_inarguendo_archive.html

As drive-by re-read the words spoken by the prankster, somethin' stuck out to her....the name he had used....Michael Scenna. Now remember, I told you drive-by was a sleuth through and through and her wheels started spinnin' right about now. Michael Scenna....Michael Scenna...What was the significance of that name?


*****Not to leave ya hangin' but I gotta go sink some Cheerios and this here post is gettin' awful long. I don't want to wear out my welcome. If you want to know the rest of the story let me know. I'll finish it, but only upon request. *****

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 6:36 PM CDT

If Rubber Duckie decides to be the next Rance, then we'll be having "Dodge Truck Points" or "DTP's" :)

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 6:56 PM CDT

Sometimes when the only voice I hear is the loudest voice
then I have to go with my heart.

Rubber Ducky-the new Rance hmmmm....
could be interesting watching him fill the big man's shoes.
Could be a good fit, almost an exact fit.

Oh well, another persona for another day, hey?

cat

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 7:29 PM CDT

Birds of a feather...

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 7:50 PM CDT

Oh, if there were any tequila that could numb that pain. Losing Nomar Garciaparra is like taking a chunk out of the Red Sox passion. I guess the closest thing to comparing it to, is what my cousin described to me as spiders that are very large in Iraq. They can spread out to two feet long. (I'm sure someone out there has seen the pics.) But, apparently, you can wake up in the morning and find a huge part of your leg missing without even knowing it. Apparently, these desert spiders have a venom that numbs the pain of their eating you alive.

Well, that being said, Nomar, we woke up today with part of our hearts missing when we heard of your trade. We want you back. Let's not discuss whom the desert spider is. I wonder what his idea of family is. (Can you picture that!) His loss Nomar, his loss and ours.

-Aching for Nomar. We are with you and wish you success, as you are Boston's best bud.

God Bless You.

-Mia Toretto

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 8:00 PM CDT

See, now, I was enjoying rubber duckie's story and I was thinking, I want to hear the end of it. This lead me to thinking...everyone is replaceable, even Rance. Yes, we love his blog and his stories, but if replaced by someone half decent, he would be forgotten. And if he really is the attention loving celebrity he sometimes claims to be, then the thought of being replaced and forgotten would eat away at him like worms on a decaying body. Something to think about Rancie boy!

JJ

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 8:15 PM CDT

hey rdd, what's it going to take to talk you into finishing this story? i'm at a loss about your guessing games, so i can't use that.

(ya know, i can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. think about that next time you order an amaretto sour!)

please don't leave us hanging. oh yeah, i caught that "throw my hat into the ring" comment. thank you!

admin, please push rubber duckie into this. but don't leave us, we, and he, need you. tell rance "hey"

kisshugs to all, especially rdd (that's a bribe, for the story ending).

nastrovia

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 8:39 PM CDT

Me thinks not. The only DTP's I'll be givin' out is for Hot Wheels......

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 8:41 PM CDT

Once upon a time, there was a wayside sad man who bit off more then he could digest, professionally speaking. He loved the anonymous life of lurking in dimly lit seedy bars talking to strangers in the same position. Maybe he hoped to meet Charles B, or maybe he was filling in his pores with corrosive alcohol in the hopes of being aquainted with Bill W.'s friends. Anyway, he was a sad man with big pockets when he first started seeing a doctor about all the piss he was vinegaring out every morning. He tried everything to get rid of it, sex with strangers, drinking reeb, hell he even tried being a Republican, but of course that didn't work either. So, one day he decided to try writing globally about his professional woes. He made a few friends, got a lot of ideas for work, and slowly but cher-like his face began to change. He smiled more, he laughed more, he even started to enjoy peeing in public places again. His blogging had blogged the blog right out of his blog hole. He was cured. Or at least that's what he told people. But then, some began to speculate that he was writing on the same sight, with a different name. Could it be true, were his faithful writing companions having the wool pulled over their sheep? Or is it possible that there is someone out there who writes a whole lot like the hero of this story? And if that's true, will we all cheat on him with RD, and then cry on que, "we only blogged with him because we're in love with you."

I guess S. Bateman was right, you never really know anybody.

P.S. Rubber Duckie, do you read Kinky Friedman? You're writing is like magic ponies- keep it coming.

Yeeeha,
Bubba

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 8:47 PM CDT

It's Rubber D. DuckIE
The new Rance I'll never be
for I am me and only me
and I can never be
anybody
other than the one and only
Rubber D. DuckIE.....


( I know that horrid little poem just curled your feathers. My sincerest apologies.....)

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 9:06 PM CDT

Hey Admin Staff -

Sorry to hear you are having trouble finding a "new" Rance. But remember when way back when Coca Cola changed its formula to give us "New Coke". yah I didn't think you'd remember that long ago, anyway it didn't work.

I think the real truth is that Rance never took out the garbage and his parents finally grounded him until Labor day. Hang in there buddy, maybe if you get back on track and get your chores done, Mom and Dad will hook the DSL back up.

Hugs and Kisses to the AS

LM

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 9:07 PM CDT

How could I possibly know what you are readin' as you gave me no clue????or did you????

As to your guess, I'm sorry to say that you are wrong. I will move that to the top of my "to read" list.

New Clue: Nicholas Cage is "related" to the author in a round about fictional way....

Speaking of weaving tapestries, you bring MY favorite Christmas movie to mind....."In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know, is still hanging in space over lake Michigan."

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 9:16 PM CDT

You make bath time so much fun.



OF COURSE, we want the ending.
Jeez!
Have you told the ASS, you're open for the job here?
Have you "come forward"...?

Oh...and the Medicine Man is what we need.
(God, help us all. Don't get me started.)

S

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 10:00 PM CDT

In response to Rubber Duckie's post, there are many definitions for the slang term "snowballed".
--------------------------------------------------------
verb (past snow?balled, past participle snow?balled, present participle snow?ball?ing, 3rd person present singular snow?balls)
1. intransitive verb increase rapidly: to grow or multiply rapidly or at an accelerating rate
The event snowballed until hundreds of people were involved.
2. transitive verb cause to increase: to cause something to increase rapidly or at an accelerating rate
3. transitive and intransitive verb throw snowballs: to throw snowballs at each other or at somebody else
-----------------------------------------------------------
****In this Howard Stern scenario, it probably means being bombarded at an accelerated rate with crap questions, commentary, and innuendos.

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 10:08 PM CDT

This is the most retarded thing I have ever seen in my life. After reading this "Omg Rance is probably a celebrity" crap I just had to reply. Why would a celebrity of all people want to post a Blog? Seriously, this seems more like a desperate computer nerd trying to get a cheap 15 minutes in the spotlight by making it appear that he is some celebrity that people actually would care about in the real world. My advice to you is, 1.) No one cares about the Cubs except for SOME people in Chicago, and 2.) Go get a life and a job and do something other than spending your time writing these nebulous blogs that could be anyone. 3.) If you are a celebrity who is getting "The Administrative Staff" to write his blogs then you need to take the time to do it yourself you lazy shit.

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 10:30 PM CDT

RE: Mrs. Drive-by's question on snowballing

Well, how should a lady give a polite definition of such a thing?

I believe the term refers to the act of fellatio, wherein the giver of said act receives a mouthful of an unnamed substance and then returns the mouthful of unnamed substance to the receiver via the receiver's mouth.

Or, for a more graphic definition, check out a movie by Kevin Smith called Clerks.

J.

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 10:45 PM CDT

Bolas!, that took forever!! I was checking every chance I got...even set up my pda's internet browser to go directly to this site as soon as I logged on. I am....eek dare I say it... addicted. And now with all this talk of leaving. Do what you have to do... but I'll miss you....'As you wish....'(if you haven't, you really should see 'Princess Bride')

P.S. If you stick around I'll tell you about all the freaky things people do on airplanes/in airports/at hotels. So called, 'normal' people are some sick folks when they travel. Hey, does RD have a blog of his very own?

fly

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 10:59 PM CDT

I wrote a *do not post* missive earlier about deep spy cover stories, I will trust you here.

I may or may not know something about *The Ghost*.

I may or may not know something about a cowboy in a convertible Cadillac Eldorado with cowhorns on the hood.

I may or may not know something about an incident in an African country, wherein the target entered the cantina and was blown away.

I may or may not know something about a certain foreign operative of a first world country being incarcerated in a wooden shack in a pasture of a Latin country to obtain his testimony, but, unfortunately the leader of the country was removed by the first world country with prejudice.

I may or may not know about certain nefarious relationships of a former Central American country dictator with the ultimate depsosers of his state of terror.

There are many other stories.

But I also think that that it would be great fun to cruise the road with Rubber DuckIE or go partying with BGC and Shorty.

Monday, 2 August 2004 - 11:28 PM CDT

I don't really have much to say, this being a redundant update and all.

I just want to post in the hope of "making it" onto the comments to spite all the people who freak out about how big a deal it is and haven't figured out "the secret."

On an Unrelated note - Administration Staff -- The check is in the mail.

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 12:06 AM CDT

I WANT TO KNOW!!!! Please tell the rest...if only to keep me from going nuts wondering what the heck that was all about. Thanks.

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 12:14 AM CDT

duckie:

i was under the impression that *snowballed* was the the accumulated effect of one rather large snowball rolling downhill and absorbing everything in it's path. the visual that comes to mind is a scene from *rudolph the red nosed reindeer*, the burl ives version.

otoh, it could refer to peruvian marchin' powder....but the connection is still there...rudolph, the *RED NOSE* reindeer.

good luck to miz drive by on her quest for knowledge.

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 2:18 AM CDT

Vinegar Bone deserves another plug.

"Flitting" is well within the flight capabilities of the Masked Marauder, although tight cornering is not always an option for those with actual wax wings, like Icarus. Sucks to be him....

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 7:08 AM CDT

Ah, two for one shoe sales, aren't they a wonderful thing?

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 9:05 AM CDT

"Flat foot floozy with a floy floy". Who thinks of this stuff? People in Canada? I can imagine a flat foot floozy (too funny), but what is a floy floy? Never mind, I probably don't want to know. It's the killer bud you guys have, isn't it? We're so jealous.

As for the new Rance deal, someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but did R. ever say that he was leaving/leaving? I didn't get that impression. It seemed to me to be more of a hiatus thing. A much needed break. Or am I high?

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 9:40 AM CDT

Please tell the rest of the story! Now I just have to know. And I know what snowballing is, but you'll never get me to tell you.

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 10:13 AM CDT

Sigh -
I was really hoping someone else would fill in the definition of snowballing (but please do finish the story).

Warning - although I'm going to try to be as clinical as possible, the following is sexually explicit (and to my mind, fairly gruesome).
W
A
R
N
I
N
G

S
P
A
C
E

Snowballing is the practice of passing ejaculate from person to person by mouth.

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 10:17 AM CDT

Well, er, Rubber Duckie, I had no luck on the "Michael Scenna", but I sure did find the "snowballed". It's one of those things where you just need to be 18 years old or over before reading. For those of you adventurous enough and haven't eaten recently, google the words "snowballed" and "swapping".

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 10:56 AM CDT

I would be glad to hear the rest of the story and while you are at it, could you explain to me on how to sink a cheerio?

I have tried holding them down with a spoon for minutes at a time only to have them pop up like a lifesaver.

Ken

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 11:53 AM CDT

Noooooo! I did not just read that. My eyes, they burn! Maybe if these were starving people living in concentration camps, I would understand. Other than that, what possible reason could there be? Oh the humanity!

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 12:14 PM CDT

***And if he really is the attention loving celebrity he sometimes claims to be, then the thought of being replaced and forgotten would eat away at him like worms on a decaying body.***

One would think so....

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 12:28 PM CDT

***P.S. Rubber Duckie, do you read Kinky Friedman? You're writing is like magic ponies- keep it coming.***

I do now....Free Max!

***And if that's true, will we all cheat on him with RD, and then cry on que, "we only blogged with him because we're in love with you."***

Ah, so hard for a celebrity to know if they're loved for who they are or for what they do...

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 12:46 PM CDT

Being a Canadian, I am just as curious about the flat footed floozy with a floy floy. We have some killer bud up here. It is posiblsy buecase yuor snetod adn cnat see stigraht, wrehe si teh cpihs?

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 12:56 PM CDT

It gets worse...

In fact it is "Flat foot Floogie with the floy floy". Doesn't matter much since floogie apparently means the same thing as floozy. Floy floy is slang for a venereal disease, perhaps something that gives you itchy eyes...LOL

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 4:24 PM CDT

Methinks thou dost protest too much
But don't get yourself into a huff

I will kind sir
remember thy name
Rubber D. DuckIE
Of that there is no shame

Your try at rhyming
was subliming
No ruffled feathers here
Is that all clear?

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 4:37 PM CDT

Rubber Duckie,

Of course I did not provide you with any clues as to what I was reading! Would not that make it too easy to guess? There are only a couple hundred books left in the world. Blogs ate the rest. Fahrenheit Blog. But as I am reading three books and was ready to credit you with a win for naming any of the three, it seemed reasonable that I should not provide you clues also. You could have won a Major Award, from Fra-gee-lee, Italy! (link above)

The paucity of publications does not make it easier for me to guess your reading selection, though. It?s been a merry chase around the Internet, regardless, but I am worse than a kitten in a field of butterflies with all the tempting links available. One link produced a furious Minotaur wraith who tried to question me about Daedalus and Icarus but I kept my wings clapped to my side and claimed to be one of the socks that vanish from the laundry. Confusion can be as effective as conviction when dealing with Minotaurs.

Nicholas Cage, huh? But where does Kevin Bacon figure into it? I?m going to guess ?Points for a Compass Rose? by Evan S. Connell because the name has popped up a couple of times during the search and besides, I like the sound of it. I know you said ?she? when you referred to the author but I cannot tell from names anymore: Taylor Caldwell, Joyce Kilmer, George Elliot.

Will you tell us a story? First truck, first trick, first wreck?

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 5:52 PM CDT

Well, had I known the prize that was up for grabs I'm sure I would have choked under the pressure of such a danglin' carrot. I'm gonna say... "The Dream Songs".

As to your second guess, no, but you're gettin' warmer. The last name was close anyway.

Clues so far:
1. The author is female
2. quote from the book "Thoughts that were like lightning poems"
3. Nicholas Cage is "related" to the author in a round about fictional way....


New clue (I'll give you two):
4. The author WAS homosexual.
5. It is not a book of poetry.

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 7:10 PM CDT

I'd say, by the conversation's tone of the ironic snowballing, you started: it is not DTP's they are handing out, it is PCP.

So, you are saying you'll be giving out only to hotwheels! Have you been watching Fast and Furious? I think I may just be a winner.

(NO funny comments about "oh you are a winner alright", either.)

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 7:14 PM CDT

...all these years I thought it was doth...not dost protest too much.

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 8:31 PM CDT

Reason? the ultimate perpetual motion machine approved by the Greenheads. also an environmentally sound method of recycling!

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 9:20 PM CDT

Can I guess, too? How about "Birdy"?

Tuesday, 3 August 2004 - 11:30 PM CDT

Since we all here in keyboard land have no idea who Rance is...some guess, some blackmail,some- like me, don't care...we just come to read and play word chess. He could be a kid in his parent's basement, or a scary porn email sending crackhead, or an ex porn star, like Traci Lords..the loyalist don't care. We're still here even though he is not..In fact, wouldn't it be more entertaining if it all weren't true?

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 4:22 AM CDT

You're not really going to make us read all 80+ George Sand novels are you?

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 8:03 AM CDT

Tad Bitter,

I simply cannot resist complimenting your very appealing nick any longer. Aye, ?tis subtle and smart and were that all I read of yours I would still smile upon seeing it. But I have been lurking at your blog, too, and that is also a pleasure to read. There is but one concern that I hope you will address: will the recent well-merited expressions of esteem change you from being a tad bitter to a tad sweeter? It would be bittersweet indeed for Rance?s blog to be the cause of both the inspiration and the cessation of your own.

*wields laurels and poison quill and wonders which will help keep Tad Bitter blogging*

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 11:52 AM CDT

Mia,

I think it is called poetic license. That covers a multitude of sins.

cat ;D

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 11:55 AM CDT

I don't know, can you?

Of course, you MAY. All are welcome to play.

I had an English teacher who REFUSED to answer a question preceded with "CAN". He'd always say, "I don't know, can you?" It irritated the hell out of me. I just couldn't resist. Sorry....

And no, it is not "Birdy". Watch along and if no correct guess today I'll give another clue.

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 11:59 AM CDT

No, but I might. Hidden clue here...the author IS NOT French...

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 1:11 PM CDT

I like this one though I know nothing of it. I'm such a speciest, aren't I?

Rubber Duckie,

Can I buy a vowel? Buy you a drink? c[_] What will work? My nest-cleaning and book reading are falling way behind. Think I'll call the Audubon Society. *chirp*

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 3:33 PM CDT

Ok, so she's still alive, and you're not going to be accused of being an unpatriotic bastard for reading something by one of those damned Frenchies. At least not yet.

Can I ask one question? Does the author write in English?

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 4:22 PM CDT

Honestly, Wax, I don't know. I started out bitter and had a few bitter tales to get off my chest and still have some more to go, but these blog things tend to take on a life of their own. Who knows? -- I could start turning in movie reviews or start a tag team screenplay with my readers. I don't think everything I have to say is bitter, just as Rance isn't always "ranting," but sweet? I dunno. Less grumpy? For sure.

Thanks for lurking. Feel free to chime in over there every once in a while too.

T.B.

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 4:49 PM CDT

Awwww, how 'tweet of you.....

But Babe Ruth as a rubber duck is just pure-T blasphemy!

Loved this joke from same:
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for corn. The bartender says "We have no corn, get out of here." So the duck leaves. The next day he comes back and asks for corn again, and the bartender says "I told you, we don't have any corn! Get out!" So the duck leaves. The next day he goes in again and asks for corn, and the bartender says, "For the last time, we don't have corn! If you ever come back, I'm going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, of course not. Why would a bar have nails?" The duck then says, "Good. Then can I have some corn?"

No vowels today, but I will give you a C....

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 5:48 PM CDT

Rubber Duckie,

I had a German teacher like exactly like that, too. The same situation, only in the German language and it irritated the hell out of me, too...

I'll continue guessing along with waxwing. What about the "Orchid Thief"? Although that author is not gay as far as I know.

Wednesday, 4 August 2004 - 6:35 PM CDT

I know the author, but am unsure of the work. Is it a one-word title, beginning with the letter "A"?

You have a singular way of touching your feminine side, RDD--something no "lady" of this author's vintage would confess to doing.

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 12:10 AM CDT

No. Rubber Duckie is great, too. I love it.

But, when you say that Rance is replaceable, that is like saying, true art that touches and changes a soul and then, that art can be replaced. He will never be replaced.

I don't know, where I come from, and where half the world comes from, may be two completely different places. But, the Burger King world isn't for me. Although a beer drinker instead, it is like a fine wine with me. I'd rather get out that big ole bottle, put the grapes in and crush them myself and then add the wine ingredients and wait for fermentation. It can take years, but I was attached the first day.

I get so drunk off of homemade wine, with merely a glass. It's almost too powerful. I think the same about Rance.
He gets me drunk and quickly. He moves me. Makes me want to be a better person and actually, I've become one. But,by my nature, I'm a mushy kinda gal, so if it's in my life, it means a lot. Most everyone becomes a part of my family, unless they screw me or my family over. Well, *ahem* not all of yahs...actually.

I'm not someone that wastes time on nothing special. It's usually pretty special indeed.

Ok, it's time for me to hit the hay.

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 3:15 AM CDT

What kind of Hot Wheels?

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 11:20 AM CDT

Rubber Duckie,

Guess at the author: Marie Corelli.
Title? Well, there are so many choices. Can you perform some charades or scavenger hunt activities? Hangman?

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 11:52 AM CDT

Dayum you're good! But you better work quick...waxwing's beak to nose with ya!

It is NOT a one word title....

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 11:57 AM CDT

Dayum you're even better! I'm hangin' a wreath of choke cherries on my door for you...

I must say that I am so disappointed! I was readin' in my book last evenin' only to find that pages 149 and 150 were missin'! What am I to do? I can't go to the library....Perhaps one of you can find a copy and post the pages here?

I'll tell you that the title is two words...and the quote that I've given is on page 12.

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 12:01 PM CDT

Winner's choice.

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 2:32 PM CDT

Waxwing, in my haste to respond to your post I erroneously saluted you in the name blank above. My bad.

I wanted to right this as soon as possible lest you think you had another imposter flitting about. Have no doubts about it, a rubber duck can never a waxwing be.....

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 2:40 PM CDT

"And instead of admiring the pretty ladies without proper clothing at the Empire, you find yourself here, wondering why the deuce Hamlet the Dane could not find anything better to do than bother himself about his father's ghost!"


Soul of Lilith?

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 3:11 PM CDT

It's ok, a waxwing can never be a rubber duck either. (omg, I made a mistake on the vowel there in "duck"... glad I checked my typing before posting! Sorta made you sound even more like a toy, if you know what I mean)
*blushes*

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 3:19 PM CDT

No....

"How wise your Shakespeare was! How wise when he wrote that if Hamlet should be sent to England, his madness would not be noticed as all the people there were as mad as he! So True!-true to this day!"

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 3:37 PM CDT

You might not have confused waxwing, but you sure did confuse me, RDD! (I thought waxwing was giving *you* another clue.) Still, you should appreciate that quote from "Soul of Lilith," seeing as it cleverly slams Will S.

Gladly will I stand beak to nose with waxwing. Our avian companion never sports that "baited" breath one hears tell of so often on this blog. (Brush you teeth after you eat sushi. I implore you!)

The Master-Christian? Hyphenated words count as one, do they not?

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 5:23 PM CDT

What, a post with no guess? I'm disappointed.

I'm glad you checked your typin' too...otherwise, I would have looked like a d*ck.........

Thursday, 5 August 2004 - 5:27 PM CDT

LOL......Yes, Drive-by loves eatin' pizzas smothered in anchovies you quick wit you....LOL.

And no, wrong again, but yes, I did appreciate the quote. It seems Ms. Corelli referred to Shakespeare often in her writings.

Saturday, 7 August 2004 - 12:37 AM CDT

"Holy Orders"???

Please god let me guess right. I don't wanna actually have to READ Corelli! I'm still in therapy after "The Sculptor's Angel".

Saturday, 7 August 2004 - 12:42 AM CDT

Rance is looking for a "predecessor"?? Has Rance also invented time travel? My god, that IS a hard act to follow.

Gotta work on my resume. Later!

Saturday, 7 August 2004 - 12:48 AM CDT

If I can have the bronze 'vette with the doors that open and close that I lost in 1971, I'm in!

Sunday, 15 August 2004 - 12:34 AM CDT

Well...you Evil little Elf, you suprised me!

You are correctomundo.

Do you happen to have pages 149 and 150 at your disposal?

Thursday, 19 August 2004 - 2:19 PM CDT

How do I submit a story for review, should I just post it on the commen ts page?

Thursday, 19 August 2004 - 2:39 PM CDT

The snake ate my roommate.

So I am now residing on the beautiful left, I mean west coast of the Divided, I mean United States of America. So many Fruedian slips and I am not into the third sentence yet. Anyway, I am originally from the Midwest. I guess there is not too much more to say about that. Prior to moving here I lived with a female roommate who is/was a bit flakey for lack of a better word. She is a wonderful individual but just a bit..well, whatever.

So this story is one of the many events that lead to my moving out west. If you like this one, I?ll tell you more. If not, go screw yourselves because someone will enjoy it anyway!

It was a very cold very snowy night back in the snow-belt in which I use to reside. It had been snowing for more than 3 days and there was, no lie, about 5? of snow on the ground. I had already smashed my car in the driveway because we, Flakey (my roommate) and I had refused to contract someone to plow our drive. We figured two cute women would have no trouble getting someone to do it for us. WRONG! So I was tired from shoveling the white shit out of our 9000-foot long (or so it seemed) drive and was sound asleep after ingesting a good bit of warm rum.

Our humble little abode was a run down piece of shit cottage that was falling over, literally. The kitchen floor had frozen during the blizzard and the pipes had burst. This was not so unusual as anyone from the frozen tundra can tell you. So, our walls were made of plywood and 70?s paneling, nothing more. During the 3 day course of the storm, the walls had actually separated from the foundation and eventually from the plywood. I had a mound of snow on the floor in my bedroom. Flakey, had a similar situation going on in her room.

About 1:00 AM I hear this blood-curdling scream come from Flakey?s room. After dressing in scarf, hat and gloves, because we only heated our bedrooms, I ran to check out the commotion. I found Flakey standing on the coffee table, sheet white and terrified.

According to her, she was sleeping when she felt someone playing with her hair. She thought her boyfriend had come into the house and was in bed with her. Why she thought this I don?t know since he had dumped her 2 months prior and there was no boyfriend per say, but nonetheless, that is what she thought. As it turns out, it was a snake looking for warmth from the frozen tundra! Now, I am not a big chicken shit but a snake in bed with you is another story. So I searched her room and found him crawling around her bed! I tried to catch him but he got away. (Author?s note, why do we always refer to snakes as males? I have some thoughts on that, but later).
I looked and looked and finally went back into the front room. Well what I found next will freak out anyone, snake lovers too. Flakey was gone! But, there was a GIANT snake in the front room trying to sneak out a hole in the wall. He had become too big to fit out the hole and he realized it. He then turned to me with a look in his eye that made me faint. When I finally came to, the front door was wide open and the snake and Flakey were both gone. I went back to bed in shock and thinking I had hallucinated from the massive amounts of rum I had ingested earlier and just needed to sleep it off.

I awoke the next day and after searching and phone calls and multiple police interrogations and psychiatric evaluations, and a brief stay in an institution, I packed my shit and headed west.

Again, this story is just one of the reasons I left the tundra.

Sunday, 22 August 2004 - 11:41 AM CDT

Wow. I have not visited this blog in awhile but I find upon reading now that it has devolved into a place where about 90 percent of the posts and comments make absolutely no sense at all to a casual reader. I now find it a tale told by smart people verbally jacking off, but signifying nothing.

I am sure this won't get posted, but if it does.....is anyone with me on this? Or have I entered some sort of bizarre fringe universe where this post will be met with similarly bizarre and nonsensical replies?

Beware the jabberwocks, my friends!!!!!