Monday, 28 June 2004 - 11:38 AM CDT

You want me to post here?

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 3:16 PM CDT

Jesus, rance....I'll have what you're having.


(not implying that jesus and rance are remotely the same and/or related :-)

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 3:24 PM CDT

You've got to give credit where credit is due. As I read the passages from the Vat Chat I was much impressed. It looks as though you've been laying off the yellow #5. Good for you. I doubt this actually makes it to posting, none of the others have. But, I just thought I'd say well done, lad. And a word of advice: watch out for those choir boys, they don't keep secrets as well as they say they do. ;)

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 3:33 PM CDT

That was hilarious, especially the screen names.

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 3:49 PM CDT

Yes.

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 4:13 PM CDT

Prepare yourself for the 4th highest compliment I can give:

::ehem:: "Very, very clever. I wish I had thought of it myself."

Ok, enough niceties. Since you won't be nice enough to give the chat addy, will you do me a favor and deliver a question to JP2 for me? He won't return any of my I.M.'s.

Dear Mr. Pope, sir,

I hear you have a lot of pretty rings on your hand. Neat. So, I was reading the PDF on www.noreallythisistherealGod.com detailing exactly what requisites you must meet to be able to apply for sainthood, and I am a bit confused by item 3.b.24. When it says "pure of mind" are we talking 'truthful' or 'good'? And does reading your horoscope completely take you out of the running? I'm not totally attached to it, but it is right next to JUMBLE in the Times Picayune and my eyes stray over from time to time...Oh, one more thing... what's the difference between blessed and bless-ed?

_ _ _ cerely,

Robyn

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 4:43 PM CDT

Whoa double-feature meant double-post? A delight! Now I don't actually have to reread the exact same text to reread the exact same text. : )

Today's post tickled me (though not inappropriately) because, oddly enough, I recently stumbled into the Vatican chat myself. Once I realized where I was, I engaged the regular chatters in some lively banter. Needless to say the conversation quickly degenerated. Here's an excerpt:


SALTY: I think I'll steal the mitre.

WILDCARDINAL: that'd be uber-unpious

SALTY: *shrug* he can sew himself a new one. he's the son of a master tailor after all.

MONK'S_UNCLE: ?

SALTY: I looked it up on the Vat website

MONK'S_UNCLE: link me

SALTY: http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/biography/index.htm

SALTY: then click the "Pre-pontificate" section

MONK'S_UNCLE: k

SALTY: what do you guys think about these environmental groups criticism of the "popemobile"?

GIGGLEPRIEST: lame

VATMAN: the man needs to ride in style. he's the ballin'est pontif yet

SALTY: nah man Benedict XV rox JP2's sox

WILDCARDINAL: the popemobile is the sheet

SALTY: It get's like...10 miles per gal. all that b-proof plexi :P And can't God protect him?

DEEP_FRYAR: lol

VATMAN: um...jk right?

SALTY: ok guys I'm out

SAINT_MISBEHAVING: thank the Boss's boss. i bet you were gonna rag on the holy kevlar next.

SALTY: stfu

SAINT_MISBEHAVING: noob.


~Salty

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 4:48 PM CDT

Yeah well....you see.....wasn't sure which blog I should use, since you put it up twice :P

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 6:01 PM CDT

Where_have_all_the_Jesuits_GONE?:Rance, I am grateful that you have remained faithful to your vow of confdentiality-however after perusing your little "blog," I must take issue with the following:

"I want to salute the Federal government for blocking over-the-counter sales of the morning-after pill...The Federal government acted, however, in the interests of women who could be harmed in taking the pills. For instance, though the pills are tiny, they are sizeable enough that a woman could slip on one on the bathroom floor and crack her head open.."

As you are aware the Catholic church does not endorse the use of birth-control pills, nor do we take the issue LIGHTLY.In future, please refrain from discussing such serious matters in such a manner-I join you in saluting the Federal government's decision!

P.S.-Please remember to sign my "Revive the Jesuit Priest Mission Society" petition-you can find a link to it on the Vatican chatboard.

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 7:49 PM CDT

Rance,

BITE ME.

JPII

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 8:02 PM CDT

Placet qui dixit.*

Nota bene, magistri: Dr Pepper's got a contest going where they're giving away 10 Dodge Vipers. This could have an adverse affect on quality control, if everyone's off doing the "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper" song and dance, and not making with the appropriately sycophantic posts here.

Addendum in res Augustulus versus Cetus Illegetemus:
Habio datum, ergo licet legere!**

I knew the moment I posted before that the schizophrenic hamsters running Tripod's servers would eat my comment. I'm keeping files from now on, mister and/or Ms., so you can't blame the AS anymore.

In the meantime more very bad dog Latin made its way into the mix. Bad dog Latin! No! No!

Vale,

ginny
(P.S.) Chat: stitch. Screen names: stitch.

*Either "What he said" or "I agree with this post."
**grade: "(I) have intel, therefore (I) may read (it)!" C- (grammar, syntax)

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 8:18 PM CDT

Robyn,

I truly believe, that *God* and his *designated representive*, JPII, hear all of your inquiries. If they don't respond, maybe they are distracted by downloading new content from the internet.

Whichever, I truly appreciate how you are assidously trying to remove all *sin* from your life.

Yours in holiness,

gypsyjan

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 9:00 PM CDT

Rance,

This post tickled me and had me giggling all day for some reason. I didn't have a religious upbringing, but my Mom has regaled me with all kinds of parochial school horror stories from her childhood. I therefore consider myself a lapsed Catholic by proxy.

I think Catholics have fun religious paraphanalia: medals, statues, rosaries, holy water, votive candles, relics from dead saints... the list is endless. You could fill an entire Costco with the stuff.

This is just a wild guess, but I'm betting you drove some nuns really batty at some point during your youth.

Or not. Maybe you're Buddhist. Really cute post just the same.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 12:06 AM CDT

I sincerely hope that Martin Luther is having a hearty laugh right about now from somewhere in the great beyond.
..Of course, given the uncertainty of Rance's mortality, perhaps they're laughing together.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 12:20 AM CDT

These can't possibly be actual priests, you know why? The church outlawed anything remotely amusing way back in the 4th century. The world was left with one joke for about 500 years:

"What's green, bumpy, and sucks people's blood at night?"
"A vampickle"

They were truly the dark ages. It hasn't gotten much better today, they added one joke to the "church-approved" roster:

"Abraham: That storm was terrible last night."
"Jobriath: Why didn't you wake me up? You know I can't sleep through storms."

And that's it. So priests have to amuse themselves by suckering fools into buying indulgences and all that crap. But now I'm just off-topic. In conclusion, large gold hats are cool.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 2:19 AM CDT

Shorty,

I think you and the Angels should consider a pay pal link on the HQ site, just in case you and BGC need bail money. Considering Rance's past exploits in NYC, he probably has the number of a good bail bondsman on speed dial. I am sure you ladies will take a great big bite out of the Big Apple. Chew it with gusto!

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 2:33 AM CDT

Rance, I DO know who you are.
And I'm a She. Obviously.

Try not to carry my name in vain. Every time someone does that, it's like rushing to the phone, only to find that the person on the other side already hung up. Quite annoying.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 3:48 AM CDT

I'm not a Catholic, and I find the Hail Mary stuff all pretty strange. I guess my real gripe with the church in general is all the money they have. JP2's robes and his lovely party hat (or mitre- looks like a party hat to me) must be worth enough to feed a family of four for a year. Multiply that by however many cardinals, bishops, relics, pieces of ugly jewellery there must be kicking around in the vestry and you must have enough spondoolies to knock a hefty hole in the third world debt. All seems kind of immoral to me.
Just a random Tuesday morning thought, but one that continues to get on my tits!

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 4:44 AM CDT

Rance, Pax. Ars longa vita brevis.

Once upon a time, Vatican chat was so easy to troll. Who could not guess "lasciate ogni speranza choi ch'entrate" as a password? Obviously, my small joke that led to Vatican II remains unforgiven, not to mention that small communion wine gag we played on JP2 last Easter.

I was curious if JP2 intended to launch a cyber-church, such as the Methodists did in London. I had an interesting visit when Ra, er Satan logged in, and started wreaking a bit of havoc with all the blasphemy. Now the church has wardens patrolling, with a "smite" button to banish the unruly. (NB: Can tripod devise a "smite button" for the Admin. Staff here?)

The above link takes you to the main page of the cyber-church's sponsor. I thought Rance and the gentle readers might also enjoy reading the "news" article about how Harry Potter has inspired Satan-worship worldwide, before linking the church itself. The article was illuminating. Little did I realize Snow White was a proponent of the dark arts, and part of the brain-washing we are all now encountering.

Dominus vobiscum. Or Domino vosbiscum (the pizza man has arrived).

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 7:02 AM CDT

May years ago when I was a wee lad, I signed up for Spanish class. Instead, I was thrust into the world of Latin.
As a writer, this erudition actually had an impact (many years later), but the course itself was fairly impotent.

To this day, when pressed (but not too hard) I can whip out appropriate and timely Latin. I can say things like: 'The farmer rushed down the mountain and through the gates.' and 'The 3-headed dog barked at the banker.'

Props to Eddie Izzard for his french version of this story, as it's obviously an affliction.

-Wheeler

P.S. Should you ever, and I mean EVER, need to warn anyone that the volcano is about to erupt, and they only understand Latin, I'm your man.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 11:03 AM CDT

Thanks, Carol. I was in a sour mood yesterday, so it was nice to have a few comments like this. I usually am game for the comments specifying why, ingeneral, I suck, and there were a bunch of those too, but the reasoning was my level of Latin aptitude (or lack thereof).

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 11:05 AM CDT

Robyn, thanks. I, among others, am dying to know #s1-3.

Re: JP2, he doesn't do the chatroom, and I don't know his e-mail address, sorry. But I am pretty sure he is a regular reader of this blog.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 12:04 PM CDT

There is something very sinister with the history of the Castrati Choir...leaves me feeling very unsettled...can't quite put my finger on it...wait...Oh shit...Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 1:09 PM CDT

I can't tell you number 1, since it would make me too uncomfortable... too sincere and probably boring to someone I know casually on a blog.

I can't tell you number 3 because I hope I will have the opportunity to use it on you at some point and don't want to spoil it.

I will, however, tell you number 2... since I find it highly unlikely you will ever be paid this compliment by me, unless you really hit the groovy spot with some earth-shattering display of wit making for magical writing that you could make billions from.

"Oh my God... no man has EVER made me come like that before."

So, now I am getting emailed from hopeful Rancesters on 'can you tell me how the fuck can I get posted?' My advice was to post a very witty, insightful, and sickly humorous bit of relevant personal information that is no longer than 100 words, along with a link to photos of yourself in a crotchless shrimp costume.

Hey... worked for me.

Robyn

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 2:00 PM CDT

Not only did this make me snort, but now I don't feel NEARLY so bad about writing caustic memos to the Baby Jesus.

You're a funny guy. And as long as you maintain you are NOT Batman, you're invited to dinner anytime.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 3:14 PM CDT

Hi R,

I posted yesterday, but it does not appear to have made it to the final cut. Foolishly, I included some chatroom acronymns in an attempt at ironic humor. I enjoyed your parody very much and was simply returning the sentiment. Apparently, administration's rule against use of web acronyms by commenters is not one to be trifled with. My mistake.

Well, R, I am sorry to hear that you were in a sour mood yesterday. Is there anything we can do? I know, let's all bow our heads, and think of a Catholic joke in poor taste. I have one...

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.

Tommy goes back to his pew and his friend asks, "What did he give you?"

Tommy replies, "Five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and two good leads."


(Here's to better days, better jokes, and quicker bartenders. Amen:)

-Cheryl

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 4:11 PM CDT

I don't know if I'm supposed to be commenting or sitting outside the blog courtroom chewing my nails. Please God, tell Rance, the sharpest one ever! (Maybe he'll listen to you.) And ask Robyn where I could get one of those crotchless shrimp outfits. Hope this gets through before we are all smited with lightning bolts.


chow

S

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 4:11 PM CDT

Attention!

To whom it may concern:

waxwing, bard, betty, nissa, tbrb, wendyjo, lora, shorty and anyone else that posted on the angels site.

I would just like to say sorry that your names have been brought into this mess, in which they should have never been mentioned (for that i am truely sorry).

I would also like to say a Special Thank You to some people who helped me over the pass weekend. What you did was unbelievable and you went way beyond the call of dutie, so to speak. I will forever be greatful for that.

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 5:00 PM CDT

The court has now received the (anything but) briefs from both sides and will attempt to read through them over the weekend.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 5:07 PM CDT

Rance,

Thou art indeed a soul of unusual fortitude. Blogging about religion, violence in the media, preferences in alcoholic beverages, politics, and...well, you know, don't you? We shall start a rumor that you are the Michael Moore-or-Less of Tripod. I shall collect rose petals to strew in your path. Or do you prefer something else?

With us, the Latin joke was "Et cum spiritu tuo" is god's phone number. And I once read, as much as I as able, Alice in Wonderland in Latin. Yours was better.

Loved your post today. Pax.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 5:33 PM CDT

Oh, cry me a river. Who really gives a flying flip about the titsy babies' playpen brawl? Take it to the sandbox people!

And Rance, you really shouldn't be so touchy or take things so personally. I was only trying to give you a couple of pointers so you could spiff up your physical appearance. No need to take offence. You're still a hottie, just a few degrees cooler is all. Shave the beard, get a tan and get a new hair stylist.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 5:33 PM CDT

Oh, cry me a river. Who really gives a flying flip about the titsy babies' playpen brawl? Take it to the sandbox people!

And Rance, you really shouldn't be so touchy or take things so personally. I was only trying to give you a couple of pointers so you could spiff up your physical appearance. No need to take offence. You're still a hottie, just a few degrees cooler is all. Shave the beard, get a tan and get a new hair stylist.

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 7:48 PM CDT

You don?t suck, mean people suck ? especially the people who feel entitled to rain down personal derision and vitriol on a writer trying to share some ideas and have a dialougue.

The way I see this blog is you are hosting (in the Cary Grant role?) a delightful and very large lawn party, with peeks inside for the guests at the lavish and exotic mansion on the grounds. The bletiquette (O2004) for the guests is for them to be as witty, charming, informative and fascinating, or rivetingly horrifying (in true train wreck style) as they can be, and to avoid trying to monopolize the stage while exchanging thoughts, and if some guests become unbearable, politely ignore them, leaving it to the host to sort them out or eject them.

(Memo to self: Henceforth, always, always use spell check and reread before posting submission, especially after a few beverages. I didn?t think that my comments would be posted and was mortified to see the spelling errors. Penance: Will wear a copy of Webster?s unabridged on my head and repeat, over and over, ?Mea culpa, mea culpa, blogus interruptus for you!?).

All the best,

gypsyjan

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 7:57 PM CDT

Dear Rance:

Mark this one: Attempt to Join the Conversation #437 (more or less).

After much reading, reflection and contemplative meditation in lots of bendy, important-looking yoga-ish poses, I have seen the proverbial light and am now convinced of the following:

a. the "Administrative Staff" is, in fact, God
b. you are the devil...why else would I try 437 times to join your posse (posse is a latin word, by the way--does that earn me brownie points?)
c. I am in pergatory--trying desperately to win either the favor of the AS (read: GOD) or your whim...

What it comes down to is--I know no shame. And so I resort to blatant pandering: Apudne te vel me? (*winkwink*--or is that forbidden web slang?)

Yours-remaining-hopeful,

unwillingsong

Tuesday, 29 June 2004 - 11:14 PM CDT

Rance:

As you know, there is a dress code in Vatican City. Namely, you cannot wear shorts or shirts which do not cover your arms.

Rance, is there a dress code you must adhere to while participating in Vat Chat?

If so, and since you are speaking to Catholic priests...would that dress code be a Speedo and Rosary Beads?

Just curious.....

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 2:27 AM CDT

You're going to hell for this, just so you know. As am I, so we'll compare notes on what was the deciding factor that will be our demise.

I'm sure given your wilder lifestyle (mine just involves extra-curricular politics) you'll get there before I do. Please invent air conditioning and tell the big S that he has nothing to worry about. I'll be through my torturing the stupid people on earth that I intend on spending damnation waiting for hell to freeze when the red sox finally win the world series.

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 11:52 AM CDT

you writing is amazing. what i am interested in is what books have influenced you? what is your favorite book of all time? what do you feel we should be reading?

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 11:56 AM CDT

Sass, I've appointed special prosecutors on this case. You'll be notified of next steps.

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 11:58 AM CDT

Thanks, Cheryl. We ahve, incidentally, a blog policy against posting joke-jokes. But this one was funny enough, and on topic enough, to merit an exemption. And it did elevate my mood. That, however, will no doubt disappoint several other readers.

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 12:19 PM CDT

Yes. A Cosmic-Cyper Cary Grant lawn party. I want to sit by Norma Desmond (where has she been lately?) and Edward Everett Horton, please. I have a feeling our Manhatten's have been spiked with LSD.

Rance onward, please. This is tasty.

(and BYTW, who IS the Edward Everett Horton of today? Eugene Levy?)

later

S

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 12:27 PM CDT

Curious -

Loved your post, and couldn't resist adding some information on the "fun religious paraphernalia" Catholics have. While visiting Padua recently, I was shocked (and more than a bit appalled) to discover that the highlight of the tour of Saint Anthony's cathedral was his SEVERED TONGUE!! Seems he was exhumed a few years after his death and they were surprised to see that his tongue was still sweet and juicy, instead of desiccated like you'd expect. As Anthony had a reputation as a great orator, they took this as a sign from God. But what really blew me away was discovering that there are 7 different churches that have the remains of Jesus' PENIS. Hmm, given the number of penises, you have to wonder about what part of HIS reputation history has neglected to inform us!

And Rance, I am late to this blog party, but am having a blast reading your posts, old and new. I picture you as an overweight studio security guard, toiling away in a sweaty basement in nothing but your dinghy underwear. For reasons only years of intense psycho therapy might explain, this image gives me great pleasure. Guess that tells you everything you need to know about me!

Ta,

Linda

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 1:07 PM CDT

Oh, I don't know....I find the beard quite sexy....;-)

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 2:42 PM CDT

Robyn,

I really hope the Pontiff gets back to you, since I have wondered about many of the same things. However, I heard a rumour from a very reliable source that God is in the tub right now and is not taking calls.

Anticipatarily yours,
CG

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 3:50 PM CDT

I bet Rance reads a little bit of Star magazine, a little bit of John Grisham, a bit of Al Franken, and tops it off with some Blaise Pascal - well, maybe not the last one. Yes, Rance, what do you find yourself reading these days. Enquiring minds wish to know.

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 5:52 PM CDT

I feeled doomed to be the voice of reason and Midol withdrawl.
There is no "we", chunk. Oprah would be gald you help you specifically.
Further, the word 'amazing' should be saved for burning bushes, levitating monkeys, or reviews of the latest Paltrow tour-de-force.
Thanking you in advance.

-Wheeler

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 10:44 PM CDT

Dearest Rance,

Hello, hope all is well. Latin is very entertaining, especially when used correctly. Points for being intellegent, but you already knew that.

I was wondering, on Chat@Vat, do the guys talk about how to get a ride in the Popemobile. I mean is it just for JP2 or can anyone take it for a spin around Vatican City when JP2 is not using it? Is it cooler than the Batmobile?

Hope your summer vacation is going well. Look forward to more posts.

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 11:41 PM CDT

I had no idea that the Holy See ran a chatroom for clergy. And all this time I've been trolling for priests on AOL and Gay.com! I can't believe that I had to find this out from a blog entry on tripod of all places! I'm crushed. Did the rest of you know about this?

Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 9:35 AM CDT

Rance,

I think you are suffering from a chronic disease called "FAVORITISM". You have a bunch of favorite people on this blog, whose comments get posted all the time. I'll bet you a buck (i'm cheap), if I wrote a one-liner "you are funny, that was hilarious, so witty" - it would never get posted.

There are other mermaids in the sea you know!!! I am getting tired of being shunned from your blog. Are you intimidated by my name? Its just a beautiful Indian name with a very beautiful meaning.

Or are you just afraid to make new friends. You know buddy, you seem to have a lot of enemies, you need more friends like me who can keep you safe.

I hope you get cured pretty soon. Please, please get help!!!

Love,
MS

Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 12:28 PM CDT

Roland's girl,
Loved your post, and just wanted to add more info about Anthony. Body parts are amongst the reliques of Catholicism because sometimes they constitute evidence in the cannonization process of a saint...Saint Anthony's (he is NOT from Padua he IS from Lisbon, in fact his name was Fernando de Bulh?es and in Portugal we celebrate his day on the 13th of June) cannonization was the fastest of all...It took only 2 or 3 years I think and his tongue was one of the main evidence that Anthony was in fact a Saint.

PS- Rance, I've only discovered your blog recently...still i'm lovin' every piece of it...

Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 12:31 PM CDT

Damn you, schizophrenic hamsters! Damn you to hell!

Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 4:22 PM CDT

Hello, you bloody imposter.

Can't think up a name all your very own, eh? I am thinking of LOTS of names for you now. Shall I share them with you? Post an email, twit, and let me help you out.

Rance, I will post a note on my blog (you have the addy) if you should wish to verify I Am Who Am. Oops, leftover religious-tripe mode.

At least the comment was of reasonable caliber, but questions end in question marks, Imposter Waxwing.

Friday, 2 July 2004 - 4:46 PM CDT

You are all going to hell.

I'll be the one serving the welcome cocktails at the Burning Bush lounge, it's on the left as you enter the fiery gates. Come say hi!

Greatly enjoyed Chat@Vat, you are one entertaining and messed up cat Rance, keep it up.

Thursday, 8 July 2004 - 1:33 AM CDT

Damn (oops!) Bard, you're funny. Now go say ten Hail Marys and a good Act of Contrition.