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Rance wuz here...
Thursday, 25 March 2004
Rantom Items
Hi, I am fine today. Or sick in bed. Or in a hammock. And, incidentally, it may be night.

Am I paranoid? LA and New York each have two or three "spy shops" that sell espionage devices that are, essentially, the same deal the CIA uses. Think I'm imagining it? Look in the phone book. And who do you think is keeping these stores in business? The lonely old man who wants a better look at the young librarian across the alleyway? No. Persons engaging in unlawful and unethical inner-industry espionage. And what industry has less regard for laws and ethics than mine? If you answered Mafia, I'll give you that one. But we're #2. And who, within my industry, are the chief perpetrators? You've heard, ad nauseum, about the pressures driving journalists at the New York Timeses and Washington Posts to ethical violations in pursuit of a story. So is it so hard to believe that the sort of journalists entirely devoid of ethics would try to get a peek at my e-mail?

I know of a sleazy tabloid reporter whose girlfriend dumped him (due in no small part to the fact that he was a sleazoid reporter). Six months later, she took up with a "sleb." Doesn't matter who. Mr. Sleazoid still had the key to her place. So he used it when she was at work, went into her bedroom, and duct-taped a voice-activated tape recorder beneath her dresser. This sort of device recognizes TV signals and such, and quits recording after a couple seconds of it, so it winds up with just phone conversations and in-person chat. In this case, it proved largely pillow talk with the celebrated new boyfriend. A couple weeks later, Sleazoid went back in, retrieved the tape recorder, and among the nine crystal clear hours it had picked up was a scoop that translated into the down payment a new Audi for Sleazoid. This episode notwithstanding, Sleazoid is commonly regarded among the more ethical "entertainment journalists." If that doesn't give you an appreciation, or lack thereof, for the rest of the field infesting L, chew on these: If you haven't had your cell calls intercepted, you're on the C List, baby. Companies who come into homes and/or offices and "sweep" for electronic eavesdropping and surveillance devices are nearly as common as shrinks, and in L, that's saying something. I know of someone who, unsure of her blood type, happen to read it, among other private details, in a fanzine (someone had hacked into the system at the medical facility she goes to).

As ridiculous as it may seem--to me more than anyone--my little story would be worth the down payment on a Mercedes, at least, to the enterprising reporter who brings it to the "Star." They would think nothing of throwing a few hundred bucks to some shady computer geek to figure out the origin of this blog. Not to be intentionally vague or unduly accusatory or otherwise like Joe McCarthy, but I have some evidence.

Responses to "Private" Posts (hopefully now you either have some appreciation of why I'm not e-mailing or posting to your websites, or you're able to deliver a compelling case disabusing me of my paranoia):

To Wendy, re: your tip on the sort of thing I've just been discussing, send it, please. To Jess, my statement about "embellishment" was derived from the post that included "But telling as much as I did (which, granted was more posturing than revelation..." A misunderstanding re: what you meant by posturing? If so, let's digitally kiss and make up. To Mr. Sorrow, you would the lead counsel for the defense in the paranoia argument. Permit me to share one of your posts? To BatChick, just thinking stuff like that can get you put in prison in some states. And five Dodge Viper Points to you for doing so.

Reply To Bard:

Re: yesterday's post, Bard S. wrote: In deciding to write this "revelatory" blog, Rance, whose enlightment were you seeking: ours (the readers)or your own? Maybe some of both? The suggestion that industry photos and articles are--gasp!--often planned? Consider me underwhelmed at that particular revelation. We have all seen that you can offer far more intriguing and personal insights into your world.

Reply: Yes, you are right about the caliber of the revelation, Bard. Relatively. I expect you'd be surprised by the number of posters who absolutely refused to believe the existence of brothels like the one I detailed last week. So we have to enlighten them in baby steps. But that's them. Here's one for you and others at the Advanced Level -- not a huge secret in town, but it's nice to remember in general the high and exalted do stuff ike this: A purportedly righteous middle-aged white man who is a key player in a major company likes to have something delivered to the doorstep of his beach house on weekends. It is a very large wicker basket with a big pink bow on the handle. It contains two sleeping, small young men (the more boyish the better, twins if possible, the less body hair the better, and Asian is a must), bundled up like kittens and in each other's embrace. The trio then goes into the house and does stuff the details of which would, I imagine, turn even Michael Jackson pale (come to think of it, maybe hearing those details is how he got that way). I'm not going to name names as I am not completely insane. I can't imagine who or what kind of company provides this service (should they see this and want to sate our curiosity, I'll gladly post the info, and, if they want, a link to their site). Granted this is not terribly insightful, but that's all I got today, and what am I anyway, the Dali Lama? (please no posts asking if I have met him.)

Posted by captainhoof at 12:07 PM CST
Updated: Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:51 PM CST
Post Comment | View Comments (35) | Permalink

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 12:53 PM CST

Name: gigglechick
Home Page:

i suggest the delightful anti-recording device found here:

not that i've ever needed to use one, because i am sure whoever might listen to my conversations on the phone would become bored to tears. (besides, unfortunately, i write about everything on my site anyway... there's no mystery)

my lunch today: fish and chips... easy on the chips.

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 1:43 PM CST

Name: cheryl

Paranoid? The implication there is that no one, in fact, is out to get you. That clearly is not the case for someone in your position, so paranoia is not really an option. I do, however, think that some people let things get to them more than others. Not that it's any fault of your own, but some people are simply more sensitive, or have fewer coping strategies, and are more affected than others. You really must need to have a who-gives-shit attitude, and also be perfectly willing to protect yourself however it is necessary without guilt (i.e. lying). I think that those "reporters" are scum. The one time I watched Celebrities Uncensored I got sick to my stomach, they are totally disgusting. There really needs to be a law that these people and their cameras cannot be within X number of feet of the person, they are so invasive and abusive. It truly is horrible. If it were me, I can totally picture wanting to go Sean Penn on their ass. Believe me, I'd love to. But you can't, so you need to cope without going crazy. You are obviously justified in being cautious, but you need to live your life too. I'd imagine it is mainly a matter of focusing on that which you can control, namely, your reaction. Perhaps you can laugh at them, because they really are a joke. You know who you are, and so do the people who matter. That's true for everyone. Focus on the people who actually know and care about you. That's really the best any of us can do.

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 2:57 PM CST

Name: Bard

Can you hear the sound of my one hand clapping? Thanks, Rance, for throwing a tawdry tidbit our way. (The picture my imagination drew of that particular tableau caused even this Advanced Level player to shudder a little.)

I doubt even the Dalai Lama can have an insightful revelation (about himself or anything else) on command. There is not a gem of wisdom lying under ever pile of shit we encounter in life. Sometimes, a cigar is just a smoke.

I was a bit disappointed to learn that you have filled the position of lead counsel for the defense in the paranoia argument. Then again, my natural skepticism is better suited to the role of advocatus diaboli. (Had the Pope not eliminated the post in 1983, that might have been my "dream" job...if I were a man,...or Catholic, even.)

So, proposing extraordinary sex acts is the key to earning DVPs? I suppose even Ralph the hairy, fat guy deserves a good wank now and then.

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 3:45 PM CST

Name: Susanna


Please tell me you are kidding re the pink bow & all enclosed within said basket..I am quite open-minded (usually)...this really goes on? Oh blimey of course I know it goes on but to see it written down, eek! Oh its almost as bad as Mr B shaking paws with Col. G. (Did your Mr B approve?)

Susanna :0)

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 4:30 PM CST

Name: waxwing

Topics here seem to be progressing toward eventual disclosure. Is this a planned outcome, resignation to the inevitable, or the completion of a project to research the anonymous public's quest to break the code of the sleb (liked that, gonna steal it) who is attempting communication with the masses? This blog, its author, and its contributors could make for an interesting screenplay. "Close Encounters version 3 1/2". Perhaps "5 1/2 Degree of Separation"? or even "Childhood's End"? {{{shudder}}} Now that could be interesting, very interesting indeed... btw, quick googles on "Rance" and "blog" and other key words are producing many guesses as to the Secret Identity. Congratulations on that! But take a warning from the Mojave Desert Phone Booth's story.

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 4:58 PM CST

Name: LAMist

I still love your blog even though you are sounding a little bit paranoid in your last couple of posts. Well at least we know you can't be Ben Affleck because he seems to love all the attention and just keeps wanting more even after the whole Bennifer fiasco has ended.

I say just alter all the significant details of your stories but keep the essence.

I know this sounds weird but LA and New York are just filled with actors who would sell their souls to be in your position so you need to enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Do you have any casting couch stories Rance? Do tell but change some details ...

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 5:00 PM CST

Name: toodleoo

and that's hardly the worst story he could have come up with... i know a famous restaureteur who takes special trips to thailand to indulge in the same type of thing...

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 5:14 PM CST

Name: Lezlee

I have multiple thoughts running about in my head today. I realized on the way home that I hadn't checked in with Rance today and fully intended to do so after I unloaded the groceries...and then I went into a little self-analysis on that whole thing. Is this healthy? Would I be checking that blog on the regular as I am currently if it were just some dude (or even if I knew for sure that you were just some dude....don't need to go into that whole is he or isn't he really a celebrity thing just now)? So that got me started on the whole why are we interested in celebrities thing anyway. I don't have the answers but I think for me it's two-fold; I do like the blog in and of itself, celebrity writing it or not, but also I'm SURE I'm more interested because I believe that it very well could be a celebrity. So what's interesting about that in and of itself because I'm intelligent enough to realize that celebrities are just regular people in a high profile position. There's a cute doctor who lives across the street but I'm not interested in particular with what's going on in his private why the celebrity fascination?

I guess I'm just asking these questions for myself and I don't know what all the answers are. But I guess our fascination with celebrity is part of what drives an industry where people will go through someone's garbage in order to get dirt on a person. At the same time though there is a certain amount of "advertising" that celebrities must do to get us to go to their movie over someone else's or to maintain our interest enough for them to sustain a career. I would imagine that's a pretty tricky balance to strike for a person not particularly interested in "staging" photos of PDA for public consumption.

So what's my point? I don't know. I guess Rance that I'm just kinda saying that I think it's an intersting discussion subject at least and...well, I'm sorry that it makes your life more stressful on some level. A lot of people commenting seem to be suggesting that you are being overly paranoid or cautious and maybe they imagine you are letting this affect you too much on a daily basis. I don't really see you that way at all. I imagine that you are way too intelligent to let that aspect of being a celebrity get the best of you.

I'm guessing based on a lot of what you've seem pretty well balanced. But since this is a place for you to vent frustrations people might get a slanted view. (just like if you read the journal I kept when I was in 7th grade one might get the impression I was slightly psychotic and always in a bad mood....not true; just chose to write in the journal when my little 13 year old self was feeling psychotic and in a bad mood)


Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 5:15 PM CST

Name: Nancy D.

Worry not our dear Rance.....those who truly care, truly don't care who, precisely, you are. Be it a mailman in Manitoba or Brad Pitt or Robert Redford. Or a manicurist in Minnesota or Jennifer Aniston or Meryl Streep, for that matter.

I hope you take this in the spirit in which it is intended...but your identity is really down on the list of what this blog is about. We just don't care.

Ok....maybe a little bit.

I have a friend who is a minor celebrity in our town. Minor. It cracks him up to even think he is a 'celebrity'. But since he comes into people's homes via the TV on a regular basis, there it is. So when we are 'out and about' in town there is pointing and staring and the like. And when he happens to be at my home when another circle of friends is there, people can get rather stupid all of a sudden.

How annoying. *I* find it annoying. And not only is it not me, but he is so far down on the 'celebrity' list...I'm not even sure he'd be on the "Z" list! But he IS known here.

I can't even imagine how it would be to go through life with that happening, but amplified a million times. "What's he like?" I don't KNOW. He's like how he is. People want to know about my friend. They ask dumb questions like that. But no one from the National Enquirer is gonna care what my friend is like or doing. Heck. I'm not all that interested.

Money is a powerful motivator to do the sneaky and underhanded and outright illegal. And when the right scoop on the right person will fill your wallet (and that of the car dealer of your choice)... Well, I suppose some well placed paranoia will go a long way in keeping your private life private.

But what I REALLY need to know is this.....

What should I fix to go with the artichokes in the fridge for dinner tonight? And... I have a hankering for pie, but should I go with the traditional apple or something radical like lemon meringue? Marie will do the baking, so ingredients on hand do not matter...

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 5:48 PM CST

Name: Rance
Home Page:


Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 6:56 PM CST

Name: tricia


rance, what are you doing being a celebrity? can you quit?
get the hell out of there...!!!

the pink bow boys are just about too much and I'm sure that was a fairly tame story.....


Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 7:12 PM CST

Name: Foxy Charmer

Dear Rance,
Regarding the slimy entertainment "reporter"......I ask you why in God's name would a celeb ever date a "reporter". I know of two cases where that is happening. Its seems to me the celeb is either desperate for attention or desperately stupid.
My sister and I used to play a fun game when we lived in LA, every time we had to go to LAX. I was blonde at the time, (although now that I live in NYC I let my hair go back to light brown) and have those little facial features that Hollywood likes. So my sister and I would dress me up in Fred Segal getups head to toe. Then we would stick on a pair of Chanel sunglasses and a baseball hat and charge through the airport. My sister, as my assistant, would trail two steps behind me holding all the bags, with I talked at full volume on my cell phone. Occansionally I would turn to her and bark at her in bratty way.
Well, you wouldn't believe how many heads turned and how many people followed us. I even had my picture taken by someone. And I don't even resemble anyone in particular.
So I guess my point is that Rance is right. If they want to chase an attorney and a management consultant through LAX just in case, I can't imagine what they'd do if you were actually someone the public was interested in.

Thursday, 25 March 2004 - 9:24 PM CST

Name: gigglechick
Home Page:

apple!? apple!? that's it! you've blown your cover! i know who you must be now!

oh, who the hell am i kidding?

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 12:34 AM CST

Name: Lora

Taking baby steps... ha! When I initially read your latest post about the middle-aged white man and the very large wicker basket with a big pink bow I felt like Neo in the Matrix! Except you didn't ask which color of pill I get to chose. Well, now it's too late and I am sucked in. Well actually, I would have been sucked in anyways with or without the pill because my curiousity would have gotten the better of me. But like Susannah said, reading this little part was really eek. I'm curious to know how you get knowledge about this information. But I doubt you can provide an answer since you would be in danger of revealing too much info/identity, etc. I'm just wondering how this kind of stuff floats around - did you hear it through the grapevine, did you read about it, did you witness it, or did someone tell you about it? Just curious but I understand if you can't say anything else about it. And I'm not asking because I don't believe that this is happening. Just curious as to how you (poor Rance) personally get involved/exposed with this kind of stuff/information.

Again, you should give yourself some DVPs - not only have you succeeded in your rant once again but like others have pointed out you seem well-balanced considering the crazy lifestyle you have to endure in order to express yourself creatively in the work you love.

PS: thanks for makig the young librarian across the alleyway part of your story

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 2:47 AM CST

Name: leo sayer
Home Page:

yes, yes you are paranoid.

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 12:09 PM CST

Name: Mrs. Norman Maine
Home Page:

Paranoia is becoming more and more useful in this Orwellian world we're busy building for ourselves.

Do pass along the name of the little man with the basket fetish. I'll have my assistant do up a divine wicker container filled with Lesterene brand skin products, complete with the requisite pink bows. They're much better for the complexion than overloading on Thai chicken.


Friday, 26 March 2004 - 12:31 PM CST

Name: Good Sleazoid of the West
Home Page: http://you'll know soon enough

Rance old bean, I would love to learn your identity, and consider it a challenge. And, being a good sport (and this is just a game, afterall; you know that, baby) I'll give you fair warning (tho likely you know this): a fave tool of mine is a little gadget called a "keystroke ghost," and if you ever post from a public computer, it can tell extract everything you typed--as well as deleted. Incidentally, you're nuts to be keeping this blog, I love you for it, and look forward to the downpayment on a Honda (motorbike). By the way, just ask your poster pal Leo here about how much he'd pay for a pair of Giselle's knickers.

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 1:11 PM CST

Name: cheryl

In regards to the pigs in a blanket, or whatever, I must say, that was pretty disgusting. Granted, I have a very rich imagination, but I really don't need it stimulated in cases such as these, thank you very much. Perversion in LA is undoubtedly not uncommon. According to a comedian friend of mine who lives in LA, the gay community basically runs the place. I'm not sure how true that is, but that was his perception. Anyhow, he said comedians are afraid to even make a gay joke, because it is the unspoken taboo. People have lost their careers that way. Honestly, I think that a lot of this permeates our culture in ways that we are not even conscious of. For example, experts say that the ideal body shape for females in our country basically translates into the shape of a child, a male child (broad shoulders, narrow hips, thin frame). Pretty sick if you think about it. When the day arrives that men in general no longer prefer women on a very basic level, I'd say we might have a problem. And despite what you might be thinking, I am not a homophobe, or antigay. But the repression is obviously manifesting in weird ways in our culture. If you plan to help shed some light on such topics, I'm sure it could have a very positive impact. As they say, truth is the disinfectant of life. Maybe a good strong dose of truth is just what we need...

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 2:31 PM CST

Name: Ilayda
Home Page:

start bidding at 20$!


Friday, 26 March 2004 - 3:10 PM CST

Name: toodleoo

funny thing about that keystroke ghost...

it's only legal if either you're a fed tracking a criminal, or if you own or are currently leasing the computer on which it's been placed. so if you are ever found out to be placing keylogging software on public machines, dear person, you're going to jail.

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 4:38 PM CST

Name: babygirlcrow

It's good to see you are fine.... but if you're sick in bed, i hope you get better soon...I'd come and take care of you.. but i seem to have lost the damn am running out to buy some spy gear....I'll find you soon......well,well, look at who i found....nice night for laying under the move over and make some room for

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 4:40 PM CST

Name: Good Sleazoid of the West

I'm also guilty of unlawful gambling (poker night, technically), illicit sexual acticity (in some states), and "creative" tax deductions, all of which are far more likely to get me in any trouble. Be thankful that the press in our country is so free, otherwise Dick Nixon would have served his entire term and Michael Jackson would be having a kiddie-pool party right now.

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 6:12 PM CST

Name: toodleoo

i'm thankful our press is free - i'm not thankful so much of the press is filled with scumbags who will forcefully attempt to breach the right of privacy, which is just as much a constitutional right as the freedom of the press is.

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 6:25 PM CST

Name: toodleoo

i thought the large shoulders/narrow hips thing was the clotheshanger look, so that the clothing they modeled wouldn't look so different on a hanger in the store...

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 7:41 PM CST

Name: Loren

You really don't have to worry here, Rance. A blog is a blog, and a secret's a secret.

Friday, 26 March 2004 - 10:02 PM CST

Name: JAM

i was just watching The MSNBC Tech Summit and i heard, "hi this is gigglechick".
since i recognized the name as someone that comes here,
i came to get your home page.
the top entry said, "y'all watching the msnbc tech summit??"

WOW! freakin' spooky! how did YOU KNOW!?

Hey Rance, I'd trust what she says about SPY STUFF,,, SHE MUST KNOW!

hahahahahaha, what a small world.

btw rance, i don't think you're toooooo paranoid, just paranoid enough.

if this blog is some exercise in something, i guess it just got me!

Heisenberg was right!
"Not only is the Universe stranger than we think - it is stranger than we can think"

goodnight. and have a fabulous weekend.

Saturday, 27 March 2004 - 5:08 PM CST

Name: gidgetbananas

Actually, Rance, now you're sounding more petulant than paranoid, which to my reader's ear makes you sound less . . . authentic. And clearly, if any of us had the money, energy, opportunity and inclination to hunt you down, the Chateau Marmont would probably be a good place to start. Pack of partying actors, "model" friends, midnight skinny dips -- common phenomena in L.A., but more common than fast food dinners at Fatburger? I think not. . . A Ulysses here, a Benjamin there, and one loose tongue, could give the game away. Assuming there IS game, that is.

My point is that if there's any one reading this that hot to discover your identity, you've already left enough clues. So relax and write about whatever you please.


Sunday, 28 March 2004 - 11:23 AM CST

Name: compassion
Home Page:

Obviously, I haven't been around in a few days and so have read the last three posts at one time. There seems to be a very simple solution to at least one of the issues you've faced as of late. Although it is not terribly insightful, it seems that creating another blog where you "become" a mundane character (which should not be altogether difficult for an actor), would allow you to comment on the blogs of others, interact more easily and satisfy a small part of what must understandably be missing with this one. May anonymity remain yours. Infinite Blessings

Sunday, 28 March 2004 - 4:39 PM CST

Name: Still Robyn
Home Page:

Sir Rancelot,

I have an idea... why not post a 'poster survey' with fun questions that the posters can answer so we can learn a bit more about the peeps who frequent your delightful blog. Everyone's wanting you to get personal, so why not turn the tables? I think it will give us all some fun shit to read and take the pressure off ol' Rancy boy for a post.
Some sample questions:

Favorite Cereal?
Most embarrassing celebrity crush?
Biggest fashion don't?
Last purchase you made?

What do you think?

Monday, 29 March 2004 - 12:01 PM CST

Name: tricia

i think your idea sux, robyn..
(captain crunch) and you also used my next intro of "rancelot"...
(ryan reynolds...oh so young but oh sooooooooo cute, and your back, "rance-man"....a young one after your spot...)
i suppose, i should go ahead and use the "rancinator"...(overalls, overalls, overalls....)..."i'll blog back"...
and i suppose (canvas and paints...the overalls make sense now...)
this is the silliest comment i've made yet...but we're all friends here, right Robyn?

hey "rance-ster", are you workin'? writin'? beatin' them off with a stick? havin' fun?....
or all four?


Monday, 29 March 2004 - 12:51 PM CST

Name: gidgetbananas

The above comments were not meant to suggest that anyone SHOULD make any inquiries of any sort.


Tuesday, 6 April 2004 - 5:01 PM CDT

Name: Electra Rain
Home Page:

Actually Apple and Cinnamon for most pie lovers depending upon preferance. It must be hard being in the public eye all the time?. No wonder most "Slebs" are struggling to remain private, I know I would be paranoid as hell if I had reporters jumping in my face snapping pics and asking personal questions that I felt was none of their Businesses. Nothing wrong with being paranoid "Rance" it's what keeps you safe and secure. So what! if a few websites don't get viewed and a few e-mails or letters don't get answered?. "what do you do when you live in a shoe, move to a boot and get laced".....LOL (that's my moto for the day)

Sunday, 11 April 2004 - 12:12 AM CDT

Name: gigglechick
Home Page:

heh - yeah, JAM, it was pretty freaky - a number o fmy readers emailed me right after it had aired the first time - and i had no clue that it was on - nbc or msnbc never contacted me to use any of my images, website or voice on the air... so i found out when the rerun was and taped it... lo and behold, yes, there i was... silliness. damn msnbc for sucking up 2 minutes of my 15 minutes of fame alloted me - without asking! :)

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 4:49 AM CDT

Name: Allister

Just a note to let you know that I much admire the rich and honest writing; ain't it bizarre that the internet offers for the first time in history a kind of impersonal intimacy.

I probably won't pass this way again, there is too much too do but I'd like you to know that your blog is appreciated even here in Australia.

Best wishes from OZ.

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 6:59 PM CDT

Name: Luv.
Home Page:

... girl.... you'll be a woman soon... soon...

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