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Rance wuz here...
Monday, 12 July 2004
True Tales Of Revenge, Volume II!
1. by Wheeler Jones

A 'friend' of mine... let's call him Peeler Flones, worked for a big corporation. As such, one of the small perks was internet access... one day though he was written up for accessing sites not deemed work productive... and the head of I.T. wrote him up personally.

The 'gentleman' we'll call IT-boy was a real piece of work... considered himself not only a genius, but also a rebel. He decided the best way to show this would be to doff a trademark cowboy hat he wore to work one morning... proudly. This hat also had his name beautifully stitched into the inside of the hat... obviously because, well, you decide. I don't like all the blanks filled in...

Anyway, Peeler, after being written up, decided that this hot-shot needed a little medicine.

Revenge was exacted.

Shortly after the revenge, IT-boy announced that he was very ill... that in fact, he could possibly have a brain tumor. When his boss asked why It-boy made such a conclusion, IT-boy explained that every Tuesday and Thursday, his head would swell significantly. Asked how he knew this, It-boy grabbed his cowboy hat, and attempted to put it on. Too small. MUCH too small.

The next day the hat fit fine though.

After a trip to a very well-known neurologist (in their circles anyway) all tests proved that there was nothing wrong with IT-boy.

As suddenly as the brain-swelling began, it ended, though why it did such on Tuesdays and Thursdays IT-boy never did find out, though he had gone through the laborious process of tracking his diet and everything else that could possibly be unique to those days of the week.

As I said, it passed finally.

Of course, this revenge cost Peeler a trip to the hat shop, weeks earlier where he bought an exact reproduction of IT-boy's hat... with IT-boy's name sewn in as well... only 2 sizes smaller that IT-boy's original hat...

And if you ask nicely, to this day, Peeler might even show you that hat....


2. by Ken
URL: http://www.eyecreate.net/
E-Mail: ken@eyecreate.net

Several years ago I discovered my ex-wife in a compromising position with another woman. For many men reading this, I am sure you are thinking, "Dude! suggest a Kenny sandwich". For the most part I would be game for that kind of action but trust would have to be paramount in that type of situation. Unfortunately, that event started the breakdown of my marriage and also the beginning of a nasty divorce. My ex would stop at nothing to make me look like a crazed lunatic. I found myself separated from my sons due to her lies. I have to give my ex credit for she is a talented drama queen worthy of an Oscar. She can turn on the taps with the blink of an eye. She built up a web of lies that involved the police and the courts. Each time I went to court resulted in a victory for me. For each lie she told, I stood my ground and held my head high. She forced me out of my home, left me with a ton of debt and slagged me off to my sons. With all of her attempts to make me out to the person I am not, I never once responded in kind. My time would come. I always reminded her that I did not want any part of an adversarial system that pitts former couples against each other and the best route for us and the boys would be a 50/50 split, you go your way and I go mine and discuss the children only. After we split, I met a wonderful woman and found a different life that wasn't full of drama. I ran into the woman who helped my ex out when we split a while ago. Upon seeing me, she burst into tears and gave me a hug and told me she regretted all that had gone on. She also confessed that she and my ex were no longer speaking.

I had all kinds of revenge fantasies. Some real beauts too, like planting a little stash of pot in her bag when she flew to England to see her family, calling her father and telling him that his daughter was unfaithful, putting sugar in the gas tank, creating one of those faux mastercard ads that would really embarrass her and circulate it on the internet, sign her up on one of those dating web sites that involve farm animals, etc. While I was having these nicely entertaining revenge fantasies, my life was improving. I moved into a bigger house with my girlfriend, moved my business to my home, made more money and had more of a social life. Essentially I am much happier than I have ever been. My sons prefer to be with me because I am an overgrown kid and I listen to them and never speak ill of their mother. I found the happier I got in my life, the more miserable and jealous she became. I can say from experience that happiness is the best revenge.

Ken

p.s. I promise to return to being an interesting rambling lunatic soon.


3. by Cottingley Fairy

"Go to the middle of the tracks and stop!" My Driver's Education teacher kept shouting this to me when I stopped the Oldsmobile full of other students at the flashing red signal lights at the railroad tracks. He always tried to trip up students - telling us to head the wrong way on a one-way street, ignore Stop signs because "no one's looking", drive faster because we needed to get back to school- then he'd bellow and mark down the grade if we did it. So I refused and reminded him there was a train coming. He got louder, I refused louder, he glared and shouted, and I just stubbornly gripped the wheel and mashed the brake harder, and kept glancing at the oncoming freight train through the passenger-side window, then to the popping eyes of the instructor, then to the train, then to his eyes.

Enough time passed I realized the train was moving slowly. I also knew he would fail me if I crossed the tracks with a train in sight and already bleating its whistle at the stopped cars. But I had also had enough of the instructor yelling "Go to the middle of the tracks and stop!" at me. He meant for me to stop the car between the two sets of railroad tracks so he could see if a train was really coming but I did not realize it at the time. I finally let go the brake, stomped on the gas and the big Olds leapt forward, and then I mashed the brake again, plopping that fat car across the first set of tracks, the one that happened to be occupied by a heavy oncoming freight train. "LOOK!" I yelled. "I TOLD YOU A TRAIN WAS COMING!" The train engineer freaked and hit the whistle, no doubt visualizing the headlines of multiple student driver deaths. The teacher turned in his seat, saw the train for the first time, and after leaving a nice set of eyeball prints on the window glass, shrieked, "Move the car! Move the car!" but I just sat, calmly explaining that I had seen the train coming and he'd better not mark me off for crossing the tracks. He flipped out completely, no doubt visualizing a more personally-related headline plus an obituary.

Point made, I shifted into gear and we rolled off the tracks and headed back to the high school while the teacher was literally pouring pills into his hand and gobbling them down. With the addition of all his overly dramatic hand-quivering, brow-mopping, body-sagging, and stammering, I soon became quite annoyed with his histrionics. I later heard (from EVERYONE) it was the worst fright of his entire life and the pills were real. But I'd bet that he does not try to trick driver's ed students any more.



Administrative Notes:

To the commenter "laughing hysterically": Your comment Friday was intriguing, but not entirely clear (Particularly the part about "Catholic pillowtalk"). If you could re-post, maybe with smaller words for the slow, it would be appreciated.

To Travis Mac, the Ralph Nader (I mean from Nader's consumer advocate days, before he went nuts) of this blog: A lawyer friend says he hopes you aren't a lawyer. He also strongly hopes on behalf of your loved ones (if you have any) that you are not taking content you've found on the internet and running with it per your understanding of public domain. As to your other comments, you're not wrong and I'll address them later in the week. In the interim, we always prefer constructive criticism (i.e. rather than saying simply that this sucks, say it sucks and suggest how it might suck less).

Posted by captainhoof at 11:50 AM CDT
Updated: Monday, 12 July 2004 2:43 PM CDT
Post Comment | View Comments (46) | Permalink
Thursday, 8 July 2004
True Tales of Revenge!
Name: Shiva
E-Mail: sheeeva7@hotmail.com

My ex-husband, when he was my husband, was discovered (by me) canoodling with a big haired type female at a local bar. When I confronted him, at the bar, he decided that violence was the best option and dragged me out of the bar by my hair. My husband was in the Navy. It is illegal to commit adultery in the Navy - not to mention the caveman impersonation. So, I let the Navy press charges and he spent a month living in the barracks on "restriction", which meant he could only go to work. During this time, I ran up his bills and didn't pay them. I also went to the grocery store and bought all the foods he hated and stocked up the refrigerator. When he was released from his restriction, I left him. He was left with large bills, bad credit and a refrigerator full of clams.


Name: Rob Sterling
E-Mail: rob_sterling@yahoo.com

When I was a senior in high school, I felt that I had been substantially mistreated on several occasions by the high school principal - whom we'll refer to as "Fred". At some point following the offending incidents, I accidentally discovered that he was fucking the vice-principal - "Janine" - on a regular basis. I don't believe anyone else knew. My discovery was a one-in-a-million fluke. (I've got a 300-word limit here, so I'll skip the details.)

There were two deranged teachers who loathed Principal Fred - one taught shop, the other phys. ed. So I took the two aside one day and told them what I'd learned about Fred playing hide the salami with Janine. One school night not long after, the two crazy teachers spraypainted "FRED DOES JANINE" on the school in giant letters - facing the schoolbus driveway. When Janine arrived the next morning, she flipped out on the lawn, just as all the buses were pulling in. Nearly a thousand kids were able to enjoy the spectacle of her emotional collapse - that was the cherry on top of my dish served cold. Both their lives went into the shitbox for a while after that - each got a divorce from their spouse and (I assume) a gentle push from the local board of education to find work elsewhere. Janine left almost immediately, Fred ended his twelve-year tenure after the completion of the school year.

I expected that the deranged teachers would do something destructive with the information, but I must admit the outcome exceeded my wildest expectations. People in town still talk about it.


Name: ARealSpitFire
E-Mail: ARealxSpitFire@aol.com

My story is about karmic revenge. A few years ago I became engaged to a very nice person. I, being a woman of a certain age, became engaged for all the wrong reasons. SERIOUSLY wrong reasons! I figured that he might very well be my last chance for marriage so naturally when he asked I said yes. Mind you, we had only been dating for about a month. This person did everything in the world for me. He supported me emotional and financially. He loved me unconditionally and with all his heart. Of course, being the nicest person in the world he was also a complete drag. No fun! BORING! Long story short, I broke off our engagement, cancelled the wedding, and sent him packing. He ended up in a rehab center the day after we broke up. Yes, I know I am a complete bitch. Now here comes the revenge part. Soon after said person went to the crazy house I met THE boy. This boy was everything I ever wanted. He was exciting and smart and funny and beautiful. I loved him unconditionally and with all my heart. We had 3 years of a complete roller coaster ride. On/off, on/off, etc etc. The boy finally moved away but the plan was for me to eventually join him and for the boy to become my husband. Needless to say, some bitch is now married to my husband and she is living in MY house and swimming in MY pool. I'm truly convinced that I am a victim of karmic revenge. I treated ______ badly so I got mine back by the boy marrying someone else. I truly believe what goes around comes around. So here is the question... how do I get my husband back?


Administrative Notes:

C. Fairy, Ken@eyecreate and Wheeler Jonees, if you would be so kind as to re-post your revenge stories (computer ate them, sorry), they will consitute "True Tales of Revenge, Vol. II!" Please free to add a couple hundred words.

Re: several questions, Dodge Viper Points are not being awarded for these stories, revenge being its own reward. We are, however, now awarding knighthoods where applicable. For meritorious contribution, Bard S is hereby selected as the first member of the Noble Order of the Tripod Comment Feature. We're working on a Latin slogan and a coat of arms jpeg. In the interim, all bow toward the place on your monitor where it says "Bard S."

Have a swell Saturni dies et Solis dies,

R

Posted by captainhoof at 12:14 PM CDT
Updated: Friday, 9 July 2004 11:28 AM CDT
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Saturday, 26 June 2004
A Short(y) followed by a Double Feature
Below are the two more winners in the Angelina Jolie As President and Eleanor Roosevelt movie pitch essay contests. Pitchers Rick Suvalle and seakrits each receive ten DVPs (Dodge Viper Points) redeemable towards either a brand new Dodge Viper or (a new blog feature!) a keg. Congrats, Rick and seakrits.

First, from vacation in New Jersey:

"The stuff I'm up to list"

by Shorty

1 Hoagie Haven fo cheesesteaks
2 The Bronx to deliver some souvenirs from the Netherlands
3 Check out a few (strip)clubs in NYC
4 Drink as many mixed drinks as I can handle (I'll probably pass out)
5 Shop til I drop
6 See if the NY men are really that qute

More sugestions are welcome.....

Shorty

And now the featured attractions....
HAIL TO THE QUEEF

by Rick Suvalle
E-Mail: hansolo@earthlink.net

We open in an America on the heels of Judgment Day - terrorism is rampant, gas prices are through the roof, Roe vs. Wade is on the verge of being overturned and television and radio broadcasts are forced to implement a fifteen second delay in the event SpongeBob SquarePants decides to show a little too much sponge for the Right's liking...

Enter Angelina Jolie, a stripper with a heart of gold (I know, is there any other kind?) Since the cost of showing her breasts on screen would be prohibitive we'd license footage from that lesbian model flick she did and deftly insert a few money shots. Anyway...

As fate would have it, it's an election year and the Democratic candidate for President has a penchant for strip clubs. To make a long story 250 words or less, our candidate has a heart attack in the midst of one of Angelina's famous $14 lapdances. Now the Democratic National Committee must scramble to find a new candidate. With America in such a state of moral confusion someone in the DNC jokes that they should nominate the stripper. It gets a chuckle, but hey, this close to the election they're gonna lose anyway, so why the hell not?

Cut to six months later: Angelina kicks the incumbent's ass to become the first female President. Granted incumby did start a war and run up the national debt. But to Angelina's credit, she did offer her voters two-for-one lapdances if elected.

******

UNTITLED ELEANOR ROOSEVELT PROJECT

By seakrits
E-Mail: dontthinkillgiveyoumy@emailaddress.com

As I know virtually nothing about Eleanor Roosevelt except for the fact that she was a closeted lesbian, I propose the following summer blockbuster (keep in mind while reading that I am lacking in the creativity department):

Eleanor Roosevelt is a well-known phlebotomist, but not-so-well-known time traveler. The bullet that shot Abraham Lincoln was actually intended for Mary Todd (Booth was Mary's drug dealer), but Eleanor held a grudge against Abe for having an affair with her best friend's sister's daughter's boyfriend's aunt, "Elizabeth", and for creating Mary Todd into an opium addict. She went back in time and knocked Booth's elbow while he wasn't looking and Abe suffered the gunshot wound instead of Mary Todd. (this is a subplot in the greater script.)
Enter Angelina Jolie as Hepzibah Scrufflefeathers, a dear friend of Eleanor's and also a crime-fighting machine. When she finds out what Eleanor is up to, she confronts her and warns against using her powers to her advantage and changing the course of history. Eleanor doesn't listen and Hepzibah is forced to have a showdown with her dear friend, ending in a long drawn-out girl-on-girl fight scene where there is a lot of hair-pulling and shirt-tearing and Eleanor bites it in the end. So sad. Lots of sniffles and wailing ensues.

Ends with the music video for Gwar's cover of "My Heart Will Go On."



Posted by captainhoof at 6:01 AM CDT
Updated: Saturday, 26 June 2004 5:05 PM CDT
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Tuesday, 15 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: Whale Hunter Gus Openshaw
Blog of a guy whose wife, kid and arm were eaten by a sperm whale and is now out for revenge:


http://blubberybastard.tripod.com/blog/



ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES (added 6/18):

Rance will resume posting and replying to comments next week, if not sooner.

Eleanor Roosevelt/Angelina Jolie essays will be posted as well. There were nearly one thousand submissions, and the judges are now in the final stages of deliberation.

CW, please provide a link or more specific information (it won't be posted).

Have a nice weekend,

The Administrative Staff

Posted by captainhoof at 4:00 PM CDT
Updated: Friday, 18 June 2004 3:04 PM CDT
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Friday, 11 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: Waxwing
Name: waxwing
Comment: Option Two

It was many and many a day ago,
In Los Angeles County,
That we pitched a film with a star you know
Who's named Angelina Jolie;
And this star will have for a costar we thought
A man known as Billy Bob T.

She will be President and he is the Veep
In a drama shot in DC.
And they will face strife in their public life
With agents from M.I.B.
Who doubt with a doubt they are sure about
That Earthlings these two may be.

We'll have cameos by Kennedys,
And Bush kin by bushels,
To counter the audience ennui,
And have Clintons providing
The faux-comic relief aided
By Monica Lewinsky.
And the UFO known as the Capitol Dome
Will figure most prominently.

The UFO Dome will take the pair home
(In the sequel they return to Earth),
And the UN will grow to count planets we know
And include Jolie's planet first.
Billy Bob will play a good guy by day
But by night a quite different part.
And the public will buy it and never deny it
Because artifice lies in his art.

Please don't say no, give us your dough
To make this new Jolie movie,
For we have a heart and will promise a part
To our buddy (R-a-n-c-e).
People have paid to see Croft and Slingblade
A film starring both will win Acks,
With aliens and politics and beauty and beasts
And nothing to do with dull facts.

June 9th is Johnny Depp's birthday, and waxwing wishe/s/d Sparrow peace and joy and appreciation for his arts. You give what you can and take nothing back. Thank you.


Posted by captainhoof at 6:40 PM CDT
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Thursday, 10 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: Robyn
Name: Robyn **essay entry**
E-Mail: Themkickingpoe@aol.com
Eleanor Roosevelt Movie Pitch

THE MUMMERS
Eleanor creates a team of young women to work in the white house and create positive change in America. No one takes them seriously because they're women in the 1940's. Their work amounts to the duties of Miss America. Eleonor considers giving up, but then Franklin (played by Angelina Jolie) lectures her about the power of womenhood... so she demands for them a job of importance. Eleanor convinces him to let them be spies. They get trained as pickpockets, thieves, etc. (good opportunity for a montage). First mission: they pretend to be girl scouts and intend to recover info from Italy's Admiral Cagnari. One of the girls, Violet ( a Scarlett Johanson type), veers from the plan and has sex with Cagnari. While he's sleeping she gets the info. Back at the White House, she's nonchalant about it. The girls don't have any problem using their body to help America. Eleanor questions herself and freaks about conforming to the roles of women. She suspends Violet and intends to transfer her. Then, right before the *big job*, one of the girls dies of tetanus. Sad and depressed, Eleanor rehires Violet. They have a big emotional talk where it's revealed that Eleanor met Franklin when she slept with him to manipulate him on some issue. They barely pull off the big job (involving horny nazis they don't end up screwing). Eleanor gets a cool hair cut and they all get secret medals, putting them in perfect position for Part 2..."FEMI-NINJAS"


****
Administrative Notes:

Waxwing's post and several comments were inadvertently wiped out. Waxwing, if you'll re-post it, we will. We are working to correct this otherwise. Rance will be sending a postcard this weekend from China and/or the Hamptons.

---Administrative Staff.

Posted by captainhoof at 8:20 PM CDT
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Friday, 4 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: ginny
Name: ginny
URL: http://www.blogula-rasa.com
E-Mail: ginny@midrange.com

Question: What would you do if given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Ginny's response:

I'm just an ordinary female member of the flyover-state
moviegoing public. I like movies where:

Stuff blows up.
Stuff blows up in space.
Smart people figure out how not to blow up (often in space).
Smart people say smart things so fast you need instant replay.
When the swords come out, the shirts come off (except in space).
The funny-looking girl gets the guy with the swords.
Bad guys come in shades of grey.
Good guys ultimately prevail, but get all dirty and sweaty.
Sometimes, the hero is a woman. She can still get all dirty and sweaty.


Here are some arbitrary and wholly draconian rules...

1. Under no circumstances is Mel Gibson allowed within 50 feet of an exploding blood pack. He also may no longer die heroically in the last reel.

2. Everyone working at Fox Studios must keep a classic book that could never be made into a movie on their bedside table, and be able to discuss it in the commissary.

3. Say yes, and mean it, to people who do good work. Say no, and explain why, to people who do crap work. Fire all posers.

4. At least one in every three movies must be made for smart people. Movies for dumb people at least have to be intelligently plotted and cast. Then smart people can enjoy movies with their dumb friends.

That's all.



ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES:

1. The recent delay in the posting of comments is due to the extremely high volume submitted and the new rules instituted as to which get posted.

2. Expect another postcard from Rance soon.

Have a nice weekend,

The Administrative Staff


Posted by captainhoof at 4:31 PM CDT
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Wednesday, 2 June 2004
Guest Bloggist: Mrs. Norman Maine
Name: Mrs. Norman Maine
URL: http://www.epinions.com/user-mrsnormanmaine
E-Mail: missvickilester@hotmail.com

Rance, my darling boy:

What would I do if I had the opportunity to run Fox studios for a year? Norman and I actually had executive positions at Warner's for a brief period some years ago so I feel like I can really address this issue from an insiders perspective.

-Greenlight more musical properties. There's not a person in America who doesn't need more tap dancing chorines in their life.

-Approve projects for the surviving members of old Hollywood. A new Kathryn Grayson/Jane Powell/Howard Keel picture should have lines around the block.

-Find an appropriate project for my fabulous, Oscar winning talents. I'm thinking perhaps a new musical version of 'Slaughterhouse Five' with me in the Valerie Perrine role or 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' with me as Nurse Ratched. Of course, I'll only be willing to do the latter if I can appear in stunning Bob Mackie creations rather than that white twill laundry bag Louise Fletcher had to endure.

-Pair our great directors with great musical properties. I am desperate for Tim Burton's version of 'Sweeney Todd', Quentin Tarantino's 'Assassins' and Steven Spielberg's 'Ragtime'.

-Pair aging, but respected actresses with up and coming young men to further increase their desirability and sex appeal. For instance, Jake Gyllenhaal and Susan Sarandon in a new musical version of 'From Here to Eternity'.

-Have Catherine Martin of Bazmark become the house costume and art direction czar for all projects.

-Roll back above the line costs by using talented, but cheaper names so that a family of four will not need to take out a second mortgage to attend a matinee.

-Tap into the population over the age of forty for an audience demographic. There are huge numbers of them starved for quality entertainment and they control more discretionary income than teenage boys.

Fondly,

MNM

Posted by captainhoof at 6:18 PM CDT
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Thursday, 27 May 2004
Guest Bloggist: Jacob
Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Name: Jacob
URL: http://www.yankeefog.com
E-Mail: yankeefog@yankeefog.com


If I were in charge of Fox, I would hire creative and talented writers, directors, and actors, and then I would leave them alone and let them do their jobs.

Hahahaha!

Hahaha!

Ha!

No, seriously, what I'd really do is, I'd buy a beautiful, sensitive script that speaks honestly about love, and then I would ask the writer to put in fart jokes, and when he resisted, I would decide he was "written out", so I'd bring in a guy whose work I've never actually read but who once worked in the business office of the Harvard Lampoon, and I'd have him do a punch up. Then I'd use that script to attract an aging action star who is smart enough to know that the public doesn't want to see him do action anymore, and he wants to broaden his range, which is why he is attracted to this script. His one objection is the fart jokes, which seem to spoil the mood of the film, and I agree with him completely, and promise to fire the writer who put them in. Once this actor is onboard, I would bring in another writer to make the script just like every other action movie this star has done. Then I'd attach a director who directed a really great Pepto-Bismal spot. Two days before production started, when the star finally looked at the shooting script and realized that it wasn't the sensitive and honest film he thought he was signing on for, I'd listen to his concerns with complete sympathy and agreement, and then respond to them by firing the director. In his place I would put somebody whose work I had never seen, but who went to USC (either the film program or the school of hotel management, I forget which) and therefore must be good.

When the film tanks, because the action star was right about the fact that audiences do not want to see him in yet another fart-joke-filled, derivative action movie, I will shrug, sigh, and point out that I did everything I could. I attached a big name star to the project, hired not just one but two promising young directors, and, above all, had three seperate writers polishing the script, which of course makes the script three times as good as one written by a single author. Hey, who can predict the audience?

About myself: I am Barbra Streisand's former hairdresser.

Posted by captainhoof at 10:52 PM CDT
Updated: Thursday, 27 May 2004 10:54 PM CDT
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Tuesday, 25 May 2004
Guest Bloggist: Grace
Topic: What would you do if you were given control of Fox Studios for one year?

Name: Grace
URL: http://jedimasterbtch.tripod.com/mindlessramblingblog/

Sample beginning: "I am a Canadian public servant who's one step closer to ruling the world."

1. Ban any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with women that had no relevance to the plot.
2. Approve any movie that had gratuitious naked scenes with men regardless of its relevance to the plot.
3. Add gratuitious naked scenes with men to movies that had no gratuitious naked scenes in the script.
4. Have Colin Farrell added to above mentioned scripts.
5. Should Colin not be available, add Eric Bana.
6. Have Colin Farrell and Eric Bana do a gratiutious naked scene with the new president of Fox Movies.
7. Beat the charges of sexual harassment.
8. Enter rehab and find the root of my obsession with being naked with above said people and also find out why I turned an allegedly legitimate studio into my own personal porno company.
9. Ban the consumption of budweiser or anything affiliated with the brand from all sets.
10. Let former president George W. Bush be in charge of all scripts. Since he's fabricated so much evidence, he should be good at fabricating plots.

Posted by captainhoof at 11:37 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 25 May 2004 11:42 PM CDT
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