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Rance wuz here...
Saturday, 5 June 2004
Another Postcard
"It's cheap on the island," said the ferry captain. "Same price for a bungalow as a bungled blow." It's a bad joke, I know. But I can't get it out of my head. So per the time-honored deal between misery and company, I thought I'd share it with you.

On the island, very nice seaside bamboo bungalows with roofs of thatched palm fronds were available for the equivalent of as little as $5 U.S./night. As luck would have it, the one we'd booked ahead of time cost more than 40 times that. However, as my jovial traveling companion (Abel, a harpooner from the grounded whale ship) pointed out, ours had three subtle but appreciable differences: little bottles of shampoo and stuff like that, toilets with seats, and internet access--hence a blog entry.

The first night, we went to a restaurant on the beach. Sizzling on spits above a vast coal pit were shrimp the size of bananas. This is not an exaggeration or misprint. In this neck of the planet, they have shrimp that can kick our shrimps' asses. And shrimp, as previously mentioned I think, is my favorite food not sold at Fatburger. Better still, the price of the shrimp entr?e: 80 cents! The thing is though, it was the most expensive item on the menu, and my programming doesn't allow me to order the most expensive item on a menu. Even at a hotdog stand. So I got the squid entr?e. 70 cents. Also huge, but not so good. Sort of like eating a swim fin. In retrospect, this was idiotic, and will add it to my reprogramming buck list. Fortunately, the bottles of whiskey (good, and, given an extra kick by the venom of snakes in the local waters it's made from) were only a buck apiece--the same price as cups of ice, incidentally.

As a result of the whiskey, perhaps, I will now segue clumsily into Current Events. I have it on first-rate spook authority that Tenet, a good man, did indeed resign for personal reasons--Bush's personal reasons. Now, I'm aware that a politically-oriented remark will draw a hundred comments along the lines of "Where the hell do you get off making politically-oriented remarks, you stupid ivory tower Hollywood liberal pansy-assed pansy?" They'll just be deleted though. Unless you make a compelling case of why you're any better qualified to offer analysis.

One last thing: I'm getting sort of tired of the What I'd Do If I Ran Fox essays. The however-many of you who wrote in and said it wasn't the best essay contest topic are probably right. There are still a couple of good essays in the hopper, and they'll be posted. But let's try again. First, a question that if nothing else should yield a greater variety of responses. I read recently that one of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt's sons wrote a series of murder mystery novels in which Eleanor was the protagonist and solved crimes. Pitch me a summer blockbuster movie in which Eleanor is the main character. Alternate topic: A drama in which Angelia Jolie plays the President.

Contest Rules: As usual winners get 10 DVPs. You may submit only one essay (Exception: you may submit two if you are a Siamese twin). Essays must have a movie title and be no longer than 250 words, including the title. Deadline: June 8, 2004, midnight, wherever in the world it is that midnight plays latest.



Administrative Note: The Administrative Dept., having been allocated funds for an industrial strength coffee machine, will be continuing to review comments posted in the past week or so.

Posted by captainhoof at 5:10 PM CDT
Updated: Saturday, 5 June 2004 6:05 PM CDT
Post Comment | View Comments (81) | Permalink

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 5:49 PM CDT

Name: Kitty

Rance, your talent is wasted in L. You should have been the really cool english teacher at a east coast boarding school. I'm in awe of your essay topics.

I am also in awe of your enormous shrimp.

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 5:52 PM CDT

Name: John Cleese

Rance, I am you.

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 5:53 PM CDT

Name: Al

Amazingly not just FDR's son but President Truman's daughter wrote mystery novels set in the White House.

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 6:00 PM CDT

Name: waxwing


I missed you. I also miss the Caribbean, especially after reading your postcard (and no, people, I am not implying anything about our author's whereabouts, I was in the Carib recently and it is a very nice place to be). Treat yourself to the most expensive item on the menu, but only if it is something you like. I'll chip in some chips if it will help. Birds are accustomed to living cheap-ly, and now there is a bad joke for you.

Here is a good joke I saw recently:

Rene Descartes walked into a bar. The barkeep asked him if he wanted some wine, and Descartes replied, ?I think not? and disappeared.

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 8:11 PM CDT

Name: Sass
Home Page:

Oh, Rance.
It seems like only yesterday you appeared. Well, you really didn't appear, you came into existence. How's that?
Are you listening? Put that shrimp down and pay attention!
You and the administration are doing a great job.
And I told you not to do that interview. Or was it the other way around?

Glad to hear from you again. It is true, have a voice that just isn't the same if someone else gives it a shot.
As for the essays and essayists(?).
Great job all!!!
To Atomic Squid: Good ones there, bud. The Coens should have stopped after "Blood Simple." A perfect movie.
Tom Hanks, in "Road to Perdition." Fabulous staring role played by that drop of sweat. That movie was
mesmerizing. I remember thinking, 'Why don't they make them like this anymore?'
Can you answer that Rance? Please? Why don't ya'?
MNM, very nice. There can never be enough tap-dancing.
How about you Rance? Can you dance? (Well, we know you can, ...but what I meant is could you actually DO a musical?)

Other comments:
"Rance, drunk with power!" thats funny.

?Same price for a bungalow as a bungled blow.?
OK, it's time to come home now. You're getting giddy.



PS: Wish I had time to "essah".....Maybe later, although Eleanor is a character that is just begging to be written.

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 8:19 PM CDT

Name: Dr. BabygirlCrow


Sounds like you and uncle hoof, the captain had a bad experience with getting laid.....and then there are all your words on shrimp, squid, hotdog stand, etc....sounds like the two of you might want to sign up for my class!

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 10:23 PM CDT

Name: Glass starfish
Home Page:

Eleanor Roosevelt solving crimes? Oh good lord...

Okay, here goes.

Name of movie: Pop the Dragon

Eleanor is out to dinner with friends in D.C. late one night and hears a woman screaming in an alley. She runs in to see what's happening, and ends up helping a Chinese hooker escape from her pimp who has tried to beat her up. The pimp is the head of one of the big drug-dealing Chinese tongs. The hooker's street name is Cherry Pop. Cherry steals Eleanor's wedding rings to give to her pimp as her freedom fee. The Secret Service finds the rings and gets them back. Then Cherry is in danger of being killed by the pimp and comes to stay with Eleanor and the President, and turns the White House on its ear with her street-wise behavior.

She introduces Eleanor to her uncle, a Buddhist monk, and Eleanor learns to meditate.

Then one of the Secret Service men is found murdered and the pimp tries to abduct Cherry from the White House, but Eleanor kicks his ass and sets Cherry up with her own interior decorating business and they all live happily ever after.

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 10:30 PM CDT

Name: St. Lunatic

One question. Does Eleanor still have to be old and ugly?

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 10:48 PM CDT

Name: Bard S

Good to hear from you, Rance!

If you cannot indulge yourself by splurging on a few luxuries while on vacation, then when? If you feel the need to justify the extra expense for the tasty shrimp entree, learn to drink your whiskey neat. Hopefully, that internet access also has prevented you from missing the hockey game.

Because you and the readers are bored of the Fox essays, I will prepare an essay on one of the alternative topics. The Rance blog reality show, "Who Wants To Be An Impressario," has had a fine run.

As one with no experience in the entertainment field, the background research I conducted on Fox provided a few hours of both entertaining and informative reading. My perusal of Fox's FY 2003 annual report indicates that the current heads of the filmed entertainment division have chosen projects well, from a purely financial standpoint. Fox attributes most of its 11% increase in revenues over the previous fiscal year due to increased worldwide *home* entertainment revenues. Fox's strongest earners? "Ice Age" and "Shallow Hal." I thoroughly enjoyed the former (took my nephews to see it), but never even considered seeing the latter. I doubt Fox's strategy--greenlighting projects which may not prove profitable in domestic cinematic release, but which ultimately prove so based on worldwide or DVD release, is unique in the industry.

Tales of Fox fiascos in the past were also educational. One of my favorite films of all time, "The Man Who Would Be King," came out of Fox. I don't know how profitable it was for Fox, but that film combined the best of what I want in entertainment: a good story, unemcumbered by irrational or irrelevant plot points or character behavior; a solid script, with drama and moments of comedy; good chemistry between the lead characters--Caine and Connery together worked magic; and some engaging action and visuals. Would I ever greenlight a remake? No.

If someone has pitched me using a valuable Fox property, like the title "I, Robot" for a film like the one apparently done, I would have said no. The book itself, a collection of short stories, I could not see as a film. Still, several books later in Asimov's "robot" series might have both made for a great movie and tapped into the huge market of Asimov readers. "Caves of Steel" and "Naked Sun" (I think those are the titles) both offer decent murder mysteries, but in future (and even off-world) settings. Both also offer the potential for exploring a "buddy" relationship, between human detective and his android partner. A good murder mystery, what could be an interesting "buddy story" given the right pairing (and I could see Will Smith as Bayley), and a decent dialogue, my verion of "I, Robot" might have drawn more interest than what Fox chose.

My idea is flawed because Fox did not own rights on those books? Fox could have made a good deal for film rights to either with Asimov's estate. Peter Jackson not only drew in existing fans of Tolkein in print. Those who enjoyed his films put Tolkien's books back on the top 10 sellers, for many weeks.

Watch hockey game + drink beer + write to Rance = accidental Fox essay.

If suddenly thrust to the top of the Fox filmed entertainment food chain, I would request a meeting with Rupert Murdoch. Item 1: News Corporation (Fox's parent corporation) derives significant revenues from pornongraphy. Give those actors, most of whom are barely of legal age, better treatment and benefits--health insurance, for one. In my layperson's perspective, animals get more concerned treatment. As a profitable industry, porn flicks will continue, even if the individual actors will not. News Corporation actually has the power to spark some industry changes. Item 2: Fox owns Dodger's Stadium. I don't know if the stadium offers special, very inexpensive deals so children, or families with them, can watch a ballgame. Even if you are sitting in the bleachers, there is something special in watching live.

Saturday, 5 June 2004 - 11:10 PM CDT

Name: Pepito Smith
Home Page:


My essay is on my website. Be forewarned; for it is self-indulgent, insipid and pointless as is everything else featured there.


Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 12:37 AM CDT

Name: northstar

I don't mind the political segue, because it's just a statement you made. Nothing really substantial.

There is nothing 'first-rate' about a spook authority. Whatever reasons they were, they must have been very good reasons. Many that you cannot fathom. Nice try, though.

And if you want to try that neat "Bush is a liar" trick again, lets start with George Washington and work our way up to present day in retrospective. Can you say, "Broken Record"?

You know damn good and well that something happens to people when they get further into politics. The truth is more compromised in order to "protect" certain individuals, or to destroy them. For the good of the nation? Maybe, maybe not. Never forget that there is an elite that resides in both wings of the Mansion, and they share the same goals.

I have a question for you: Which president in the last 25 years has a profile that most closely resembles Lyndon Johnson? (And don't make me wretch by saying Clinton.)

I love shrimp, too. Have a nice vacation.

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 2:59 AM CDT

Name: Shorty

Now let me get this are somewhere in the Carribean, surrounded by the biggest shrimps ever, and you're not allowed to order them because of your programming??? Now how fucked up is that? I'd say screw the programming and have those damn shrimps. The only banana sized shrimps I know are those Tiger shrimps I mentioned some time ago. Damn Rance you can't miss out on those. They really are good.

A new contest huh? You know I don't write that well. I'd rather watch movies than come up with one for myself. Sooooo you can give my DVP's to the next great writer for his/hers kick ass essay. They deserve them!!

Thnx for the postcard and don't forget to bring me back a souvenir.

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 3:36 AM CDT

Name: Evil Elf
Home Page:

First the Indian Ocean, then this...definitely NOT the Caribbean. I'm betting Rance is in Indonesia, somewhere on the west side, and if he is he's having an interesting time. I know I did. Good call insisting on the hut with the toilet you can sit on, rather than just sweep snakes into. If you figure out how people in the tropics can eat three squares a day plus three snacks, all fried in coconut oil, and stay slim, please post it so the world can benefit. If you like gamelan music you'd enjoy an album called Macha, by a group called Macha. Ignore the actual Macha music, use it as a coaster if you want, and turn your attention to the bonus disk, which is really a great compilation of Indonesian music from all over the archipelago. Track #3 is the best.

Off to work on my contest entry, and this time I hope to get in under the wire...a question: may we submit multiple essays if we have multiple personalities?


Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 6:34 AM CDT

Name: ilariochka
Home Page: http://http//

Hi Rance,
I've just come up against your blog, browsed it all up and down and realised your state of mind is very similar to mine.
Have you ever read "The Waste Land"?

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 6:44 AM CDT

Name: Mel

Hi Rance. I just read that reportedly Jennifer Lopez got married again Saturday. Have you ever been married to her? Or engaged to her? I think she will eventually reach that Liz Taylor status about going through men like that.
By the way. I have missed reading your entries. Keep up the good work. M

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 8:32 AM CDT

Name: Starry
Home Page:

Rance, Rance, Rance. Will you ever learn...? If you want the goddam shrimp, have the goddam shrimp. I'm sure even on the humble wage you are making on a whaling ship, you could afford 80 cents. I'm sure you could probably even afford to buy me one. Having said that, I am NOT a seafood lover, so I guess you're off the hook and can go back to being a tight-ass who won't buy the most expensive thing on the menu. How very celebrity like. Have you thought about quitting the whaling game and trying to make in hollywood?

Hugs, Starry

P.S. Glad to hear you had toilets with seats in your bungalow, as wellas internet access. In my humble opinion, BOTH necessary items for downloading well. (Bad Starry! No more toilet humor for you!)

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 9:20 AM CDT

Name: Cheryl

A bungled blow...not exactly sure what that entails, however, my subconscience is rapidly unravelling the possibilites. Thank you. You're like a little ray of sunshine, really. Kleenex anyone?

Alrighty. Well, with stories like this one, I am beginning to wonder why anyone needs pot. You are naturally wacky, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I get flashbacks just reading this. Black smoke, triple canopy, aaah! Okay stop the ride, I'm getting off. You're a silly man, and I hope you're happy. Now I need a cookie.

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 10:20 AM CDT

Name: Tom Kaczinski

This is the biggest crock of shit I've ever seen in my life. Celebrity my ass. You're probably Dean Cain or Andrew McCarthy or one of the 90210 has beens. No real celebrity would waste his valuable time with this crap.
Gosh, I hope the "Administrative Department" doesn't delete this!

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 10:23 AM CDT

Name: Red Nellie

My movie suggestion - Eleanor: Nazi Death Machine

Why not do the obvious and kill 2 birds with one stone (more or less) - have Angelina Jolie play Eleanor Roosevelt as a gun-toting, Nazi-fighting tough broad in sensible shoes. There will need to be at least one obligatory Mata Hari-esque scene in which Eleanor tries to seduce Hitler in order to get information out of him. And maybe have Hugh Jackman play Hitler, because if we gotta see him naked, it might as well be worthwhile. Vin Diesel would make a good Franklin D., for that matter. It should also be set mainly in North Africa, so there is a lot of excuses to show camels and belly dancing.

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 11:57 AM CDT

Name: angela

Here's my movie idea..not an essay because I've been up too long and have to sleep.

Eleanor: My first lady

A shy teenage Eleanor goes to an all girls school in England and experiments with a fellow classmate that sees the true beauty in Eleanor's heart. They spend time skinny deeping and making out in the rain and discuss how they will change the world for the better. A tragic accident kills Elea's lover and she's so distraught she returns to the U.S and never tells anybody about her. She becomes a role model for women everywhere and lives out the dreams of her dead "friend". It isn't till 2005 when journals are found written by her deceased girlfriend when their story can finally be told.

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 12:26 PM CDT

Name: J. Depp

Hey Rancey-boy. Thank ya much for separating the wheat from the chaff. The chaff was chafing my lily-whites. If I could quit quaffing asbestos, I'd focus on the Mrs. E and deliver...alas, no focus, no hocus pocus. Here's one token pitch: her spyglass is an entrance into the little-known fourth dimension. When she goes through it, she loses her hair. Bananas play music on with themselves. Keep it unreal.

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 12:31 PM CDT

Name: Kim 19yrs
Home Page:

Pitch you a movie, huh? Nah...these Hollywood types that are scanning every line of this site to try and find out who you are will probably steal it...sell it to Joel Silver and make billions of bucks. ;-)

I just found your site...incredible stuff! And I can believe all of I have had my Hollywood adventures too, that you can tragedy, lost hopes, and dashed dreams (all within the space of a week) I've now decided to become a film director (if the singing doesn't work out). Go figure. I'm a glutton for punishment.

Glad to see someone is spilling the beans out there...someone has to.

One question though: What's your pitch for Angelina Jolie as President? If we are expected to pitch ours...why not pitch yours...;-) just a thought...he he...

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 2:23 PM CDT

Name: St. Lunatic

In regards to Tenet and his resignation. How can you point the finger at Bush for this action? Tenet was appointed by my former acquaintance and governor and your past president, Bill Clinton. Bush kept him on, even after the disaster of September 11th. There has obviously been significant communication failures within the CIA. I'm sure the scrutiny was horrific, not that any one person can be blamed for such failures. I doubt that the pay or the honor was worth the price he's paid over the last couple of years. I would have quit, personally, a long time ago and let someone else have a go at it.

Speaking of spooks, I have a story regarding the Beltway Sniper Shootings that's interesting, to say the least.

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 3:02 PM CDT

Name: imanta

Hi Rance---What island was this? It reminds me a bit of Riga, Latvia back when I was studying there in 1993----I could eat lunch for the equivalent of $0.25. Those days are gone there now, but it was amazing at the time. :)

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 4:44 PM CDT

Name: Lora

And like Shorty I also want to know what souvenirs you'll be bringing back for us -- your readers of this blog. Please don't forget about that!!!!

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 7:10 PM CDT

Name: Starry
Home Page:

Well, here goes.

Elleanor And The Enigma


Director du jour Quentin Tarantino has called upon Mrs. Roosevelt.

Quentin Tarantino: Elle, Babe. Look, like here?s the deal. I wanna know who the f**k this Rance
Dude is.

Elleanor Roosevelt: Mr. Tarantino! Please mind your language!

QT: Sorry, babe. I didn?t mean to say f**k. Oh f**k it, I did it again!

ER: (Rolls eyes)
Many people have tried to discover his identity, and failed.

QT: Many people are not you, Elle. Money is no object. I have a shitload.

ER: Very well, Mr. Tarantino. I shall try.


Night. Elleanor sits quietly tapping away at a computer.

She picks up the phone.

ER: Mr. Tarantino. Elleanor Roosevelt here. I was reading those ?blogs? and I cross-referenced some things. There was an actor on a whaling ship several
Thousand leagues south of nowhere just a few weeks ago. It was?

The phone goes dead.

ENTER Rance.

Rance: I?m sorry Mrs. Roosevelt. I just couldn?t let you reveal my identity. Whatever
He?s paying you, I?ll double you to keep quiet. You see my anonymity and this blog is all I have?

ER: Don?t cry, dear boy. It?s okay. Your secret?s safe with me. I wont tell him. I
Promise. I never liked that F**ker anyway.

Hope you like. Hugs, Starry

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 7:34 PM CDT

Name: Nymie
Home Page:

After a seance gone wrong, Madonna finds herself being haunted 24/7 by Eleanor Roosevelt trying to make her behave like a lady. Hillary ensues.

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 8:20 PM CDT

Name: Loveland

Are you real, or are you a figment of someone's very active imagination?
Are you sitting back reading all of the questions from people, who are just wetting themselves to find out whom you are?
I have to admit, that even if this is a huge hoax, this is entertaining. Not your average everyday moron could have kept this going as long as you have. Whoever you may be, you are obviously intelligent, and have a sense of humor.

I will against my better judgment be one of the sheeple, and continue to read. This is like Internet crack. Addictive little bastard.


Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 10:41 PM CDT

Name: pacifica13

Addicted! Just found your postings. 5 yrs now as an agent, & I hope you are one of the A-listers people are naming as the guilty party. I would love to gain a new respect for any one of these lucious ones. The 21 yr old pacifica would be ashamed of the 33 yr old pacifica that is now considering a lip job to keep up appearances for her clients! Nothing to do with shrimp, I know, but I had to say hi!

P.S.-If you are one of the accused does the fact that I am a fan of Shen's mean anything to you?

Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 10:49 PM CDT

Name: Wicked


Your essay topics kill me. Aside from acting, i don't believe i'm cut out for this business, as all creativity is blanch when i attempt to answer these things. In effect i sound exceptionally opaque, and in a most unendearing sense of the word.

I've perused your journal for a couple weeks now and it's nice to see some palatable insanity, for once. Your endeavors, as obscure as they may be, are so transcendental they brew entertainment and furthermore elicit a twinge of envy from at least one reader.

Also, promulgation is as promulgation does. Thank god you've averted such outbursts. Doing so would be such shameless self promotion, i'm afraid i'd lose all accrued respect for you.

Also. Don't sound so agitated with your readers. It's not their fault they were genetically crossbred with lemmings. Oh it's amusing and all to see them following an unknown, but hey, what's religion for, anyway?

Stay fun in the tropical sun. And you should be glad you didnt get the shrimp. If they really were as big as you say they were, they probably have a mothership somewhere. Having witnessed you deny the scouts, you have undoubtebly been awarded some sort of amnesty with the Big Kahuna.


Sunday, 6 June 2004 - 11:59 PM CDT

Name: CJ

Tenet may be a good man. Our president seems to think himself the smart man. Amazing, the open floodgate of ex-bush administration members clamoring to regain their "personal lives" as the next presidential race heats up. Who could take four more years? Bush (yes, I live in Texas, and no, I don't own a cowboy hat) was our Totalitarian governor before he belonged to the whole country. Too bad we couldn't seceed when THAT happened. Probably a good thing that you, My Darling Rance, decided to write about your political opinions. Someone from the entertainment industry is just as qualified to form and post poitically-oriented opinions as the rest of us peons or pansies. It is now clear that you are of the humorous bent in your chosen profession. I was in the serious news media and hated disseminating his dictates. He is surrounded by smart people but still can't manage to sound smart all by himself and Surprise! his Bushisms didn't start with his presidency. God forbid the man should speak clearly and concisely (or just English) for sound-bites like other beloved politicians. It's just that we don't really DO comedy in news, so we'll need to keep the snickers coming from the other liberal media (a.k.a. actors). I always wanted to be an actor.
Oh Yeah, the upright Eleanor gets in on the presidential race and wins after some sleuthing uncovers some criminal behavior in the White House.


Monday, 7 June 2004 - 1:02 AM CDT

Name: Tongue Lounge

Hi Rance,
I'm not at home with words nor wit, but the mention of Angelie Jolie compelled me to write. If she were cast in a drama, I wouldn't cast her as the President, but as an intern ;)

Yes. I know I'm a troglodyte.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 7:18 AM CDT

Name: Claire
Home Page:

Dear Rance
I have a bunch of degrees in politics, therefore am appropriately qualified, and I think you're right.
Does that help?
Love and rockets

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 7:46 AM CDT

Name: Sammy

Do tell. . .

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 8:29 AM CDT

Name: Wheeler Jones

They say that misery is the great equalizer, but I vote for heat. I once paid $8 for a cup of ice. Consider yourself an excellent negotiator, Rance.
Incidently $8 was the same cost for an entire day on a moped cruising the lively and dangerous coastal roads of Cuba.
What's the lesson?
Damned if I know, but I would have paid $10 for the ice, so I feel like the big weiner.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 9:13 AM CDT

Name: Mittens the Kitten

Christ... people really have no lives it seems these days. A mass amount of followers, a cult, worship whatever you type, some try to relate and some believe the idiotic drivel about you being an actor. Why? because they want to feel as if they are talking with someone important that is most likely just the weekday manager of a fast food restaurant, then i suppose there are the type that try to "figure you out", but you are so vague about a lot of what you say that one could believe it to be anyone and anything... don?t get me wrong, i would have done this myself if i had thought of it before you did, so i say good job with manipulating a bunch of idiots (not that it takes much, we live in America for god sakes, people are scared more of a gay marriage then being mugged) anyways, i think of you as pathetic but yet, if i would have came up with this idea i would be "rance" myself.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 10:22 AM CDT

Name: Mike M

Okay -- fine so you are entitled to your political positions....

I'm still pissed about the fact that as someone -- Who I suspect is in a much higher tax bracket than I am still drinks budwiser beer -- that really ticks me off.....

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 10:33 AM CDT

Name: Grace
Home Page:

Whatever you're smoking, if you're in Canada, let me know. While it might not be quasi-legal, it's certainly potent enough to create this.

PS. for me it's watch hockey game + plot ways to have Jarome's baby + write Rance = night in jail.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 11:02 AM CDT


Tenet, like everyone at that level, serves at the pleasure of the president. So whether it was his own personal reasons, or the president's personal reasons, who cares?! If you are really trying to spark some kind of political debate, you'll have to come up with something more riveting than that. Having read some of your stuff, I'm sure you can.

And while you're at it, how about you give us your qualifications for providing polical commentary? Though your rants are generally quite entertaining, I haven't found much that would suggest your political insight is one which anyone should give much weight-- no offense.

My 2 cents, stick to what you know! (that and 78 more cents and you can get your giant shrimp- yum!)

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 11:03 AM CDT

Name: Nessa

I just thought I would share with you my response (sometimes physical) to reading this blog. Some of it makes me sad. And I really hate to come across sounding like a naive mid-westener...but Im so shocked at some of what you wrote! Of course, I hear stories...but...Im still shocked! See, some of that stuff only happens in the movies in my little sheltered world. Or I convince myself that it does. But, I soaked up every word you wrote with guilty pleasure. But in between my jaw hitting the desk..I was LMAO. hee hee You are pretty make me laugh :)

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 11:22 AM CDT

Name: Upon Nighted Plains


Okay, I *am* a Siamese Twin, and I'm troubled by the decoding of this contest "main and alternate topic" rule.

What I got was two essays, one per topic.

On first read, that is.

Looking it over now, I see you probably meant only ONE essay, period, pick a topic.

It's a little vague either way, but in any case, if I had to stand by only one of the two I sent, for God's sake make it DAY OF THE ELEANORS.

Angelina can wait!

Thanx, man.


P.S. By the way, though I have two heads, my twin is dead. Before he expired, he insisted I not ever remove his Greek Fisherman's cap, nor his Serengeti sunglasses. Any suggestion on the stink?

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 11:25 AM CDT

Name: Jess

Hi, doll,

I just recently returned from an extended foray into the jungles and waters of Southeast Asia, and, of course, I had to stop by to congratulate you on your ongoing cultural phenomenon. I confess that I was thinking about you while marooned on the other side of the world with only a pittance of internet access. Well, actually, I was thinking about why on earth my hotmail inbox had 432 messages, all distilling down to some permutation of "Who is Rance?" A small warning to the hapless posters providing email addresses...particularly those with less than fifteen minutes at a shot to check said email careful. One could, it appears, contemplate a spinoff career merely as a Rance commenter. Egads. You've done it, darling. Without even acknowledging your identity, you've generated celebrities by association...virtual starfuckers. What a perfectly ironic state of affairs. Entirely lacking in interest in such an association and to stem the tide of further unsolicited missives, I've forgone my usual alias, but I shall hope against hope that you remember me.

I'm now in sunny CA, my love, and intend to commence my quest to find you this weekend.

Until then...


Monday, 7 June 2004 - 12:33 PM CDT

Name: Curtains

Yo ho - very interesting. Seems we have "another" celebrity in the midst, or, someone trying to pass himself (or herself) off as Cap'n Jack Sparra. Was that a token pitch, or a tokin' pitch?

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 12:37 PM CDT

Name: Black Marla
Home Page: http://Marla X

Dear Rance:

"In Touch," magazine is reporting that you are Ben Affleck. I guess if it is you then you will stop doing this blog. I read in the magazine that this was suppose to be the place to get the inside celebrity gossip. But, I have to tell you dude, I spent a good deal of my Saturday night reading your archive and I have to say, ?I am not impressed." You can get a better scoop from "Star" or "The National Enquirer", for sure. Which makes me believe that you cannot in fact be Ben Affleck. If your life or stories about other celebrities are so very boring even leaving out the names, dates, locations, and other specific information then you might as well not even bother writing this blog. Aren't you people supposed to be out living the dream? For god sake, go live the dream so the rest of us poor slobs have something to talk about. Believe me our lives are so boring and pointless we need celebrities to live through. So, if it is you Ben, please for the love of God, go and live it up, you owe it to us. We spend a lot of money at the movies and on lottery tickets so somebody can have a good time and be happy or at least happier than the rest of us working stiffs. Why not you? Take a page from Collin Farrell. Don't you know all this celebrity stuff is just spectacle for the masses. We the people have to have people to talk about. We're all so disconnected from each other we have to have something or someone in common to talk shit about and you and all the other folks out in Hollywood are that for us. I had a thought a couple of weeks ago that all the celebrity magazines were really like masturbatory tools. Some of us, by that I mean people into gossip and star idolatry, can not get wet and hot for people we do not know a least a little, you know like talking a girl up at a club and buying her a drink, so we read celebrity magazines to get information to form our late night masturbatory fantasies. My favorite one right now is about Collin Farrell. I see him in a cab in NYC and wave at him, he smiles and the cab stops at a traffic light. Suddenly, the taxi door opens and he waves me in. I run to the cab and hop in just as the light turns green. We conversate, he asks,? If I would like to spend the night with him. I say," yes," of course. We spend a great night together getting high and drunk, going to clubs, and finally returning to his hotel room. I let him fuck my ass all night, see I heard he liked that from a celebrity magazine, unlike Nicole Narain, you know her she is that black-big-FAKE-tiddy-playboy bunny who likes to go to parties half naked. She was complaining that he broke her heart and wanted to fuck her in the ass. She also said Collin had a big-ass-DICK. She was mad he was fucking Britney Spears at the time and wanted to warn her against taking the plunge because Collin is a,"sex addict." See this is all useful information, because I know I might actually have a chance to meet him and even fuck him, which make my fantasies wetter and hotter and might I add way more exciting. See Ben you have a duty to us hot young women out there to do us proud. Be seen, don't get married we hate that, in fact I can not even get off on celebrity guys who are married or in a deep relationship, we want to be able to believe that we too can have you if the right circumstances occurred. It is very important that the women of the world want you; we make you a star and don't ever forget it. You can do bad movies; you can do bad-ass things, but don't fuck with your audience. We make you and we can break you. So, if you want to really have a connection with the outside world, just come and talk to us. NYC is great for that; New Yorkers don't really bother you celebrities. Just the other day I saw Nathan Lane walking down 14th Street, did I walk up to him, no. But, that is because I don't care for him very much. I would walk up to Collin Farrell and Edward Norton. I use to have a crush on him before Collin. I was very upset when he got together with Salma Hayek; I was supposed to be his girlfriend, LOL. I hear that Collin and Salma are fucking around in South Africa on the set of their new movie. I'm glad, I would hate for him to catch AIDS fucking them black girls in South Africa. He likes to do it RAW dog style, and I mean raw dog style because I read he is uncircumcised. And, he likes to fuck black girls, which I am all for because as a black girl l like to fuck white guys. Not you Ben, your head is too big, but if you wanted to I would over look your big head. I never liked J-LO either, and now she has gone and married Mark Anthony. How pathetic. That girl just can't be without a man. Maybe, she has gone baby crazy. Who knows? Maybe, you know. Now, this stuff is just my fantasies and gossip easily available, and I think it is way hotter then anything on your site. So, if you are Ben Affleck and you keep doing the site so that people don't think it is you, I want some juicer gossip, for god sake. If you are not a celebrity then get Star magazine and some lube and get your imagination going and tell us about it. It really doesn't matter if you are a celebrity or not if your stories are good. I will check back latter to see your progress or lack there of.

Marla X

P.S. There is a great book I want to recommend it is called ?Society of the Spectacle,? it is a must read. And, if anyone knows how to get into the world of celebrity gossip write me through the blog. I would love to write for ?Star? or ?In Touch? or be paparazzi.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 1:14 PM CDT

Name: Jules

Now, now... asking for an essay with a film idea without telling us who YOU are? Interesting way to get film ideas for which you can enjoy credit!

Anyone who sends you an idea is just ASKING to have it stolen, if not by you, then by any number of unscrupulous Hollywood-types that read your blog, probably to get ideas for some new reality show that they're planning on spoon-feeding to the unwashed masses.

I would be more than happy to send you a story idea, but let me get it registered with the WGA before they go on strike again.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 2:47 PM CDT

Name: Nic

Oh Rance, so much to respond to, the gray cells are dancing. Glad you?re back.

Can?t relate to the shrimp delight. I have enough bottom feeders in my life that I don?t need to add them to my diet as well.

Re: Tenet, FYI,
if you are so inclined. It totally backs up your insider?s claims and is titled Erratic Behavior In The Whitehouse.

Whenever anyone calls me a liberal, I say ?thank you? (If anyone takes the time to look it up in the dictionary it means open minded and tolerant.) Then I say ?So being open minded and tolerant is a bad thing to you??

Just exactly how do they know you have pansies in your ass? Sounds kinky. Why are they so interested in your ass anyway? The smoke and mirror technique goes both ways.

Movie idea: TEXAS HOLD?EM

?Angelina Jolie plays the President? in a high stakes poker game. If she wins he has to resign. If she loses he stays in office another eight years. Her mentor is Eleanor who is a guardian angel sent to assist Angelina in this endeavor. The problem is Harl Wover, the President?s adviser, has stacked the deck, but Eleanor has inside information that will even the odds.

The gray cells are worn out.

Sending you a smile,


Monday, 7 June 2004 - 3:05 PM CDT

Name: Beagle66
Home Page: http://?

I haven't a clue why I'm posting into this mess of a blog - I'm really not into celebrity, wouldn't want an autograph (really wouldn't want to ASK for one) even if I could sell it for a million. Fame sucks and there's no doubt about it. Your blog makes that perfectly clear although again it's not like an Einstein Eureka! moment. I myself have settled for the drudgery of male secretarial work. Working for lawyers. Sort of like Haiku Tunnel. And I'm bored so that's why I'm messing with this today. Damn that's depressing.

I do have some intelligence and I wanted to note a couple of things that might work to give away your secret identity (gosh I feel a little bit like Seinfeld buddying up to a cartoon Superman and claiming "I know your secret identity, Clark.")

I just started reading your blog late this morning; I'm only through the end of March postings and I've avoided other's comments completely -- too much time. But here's what I've come up with so far:

1. You're a Shakespeare fan, there's no doubt about that -- into March you've mentioned him three times, a sonnet, A Midsummer's Night (that you read in school) and the very, very perceptive early comment on your blog about the current production of Henry IV that just won the Tony last night. Honestly, you don't find that kind of Shakespeare awareness among Americans as often as you find it among people of the United (and formerly United) Kingdom. It might be a clue that Kevin Kline plays Falstaff. Sort of a Six Degrees of Film Separation kind of clue.

2. You have many insights and perceptions that I believe could only come from someone not raised in the US (or else a genius like Joan Didion [read Joan's essay on John Wayne and the making of The Sons of Katie Elder, with Dean Martin, it'll blow you away], but from your posts, I'd say you're not a genius like her). Your devil-may-care attitude towards grammar, spelling, language: well I do have a specific country in regard to that trait.

3. You're older than you try to seem -- the Cary Grant/Marlene Dietrich wasn't a true give-away -- it could have been just a google search, but I don't think so. You have an older man's innate sense of morality -- the thing about not paying for a prostitute.

4. I love your comment about Sean Penn in Mystic River -- when Sean looks up to the sky screaming "IS THAT MY DAUGHTER?" I could only think of an acting class exercise. You did go to the Oscars this year and I think you may very well have had a nomination.

5. You have a lot of naughty fun -- I'd say it's impossible that there are not a lot of stories about wild times involving yourself in the tabloids.

People who you are not: Collin Farrell, Elijah Wood, Toby McGuire and Jake Gallyheil.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 3:25 PM CDT

Name: moviemave
Home Page: http://ain't got no home

I've decided that this is some sort of psych experiment gone awry and that's why I am still participating...

Just wanted to thank you for the comment on Tenet - and hope you will be making more soon.


Monday, 7 June 2004 - 4:01 PM CDT

Name: Deacon Dr. Brian Sweetness

I'd fast track developementof an action comedy pairing Janeane Garafolo and Dolph Lundgren. They would play against type: Janeane would play a woman that recently gave up the grind of being one of those girls that walk around in a thong with professional wrestlers on TV holding their belt or cape or whatever and Dolph would play a guy that just had his cable cooking show cancelled. I am not sure about the plot but I'm pretty sure want a scene where Dolph Lundgren leg wrestles Bea Aurthur. They would have catchy put downs for eachother as well. Janeane's for Dolph would be "You big dunce!" and Dolph's for Janeane would be "You give me headache!"

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 4:15 PM CDT

Name: Flying Waitress
Home Page:

You are funny. Dear, funny...I take it you act but if you don't write professionally {also} then WHY not? Witty. In my dreams I write like that. As someone who is in LA/ Santa Monica constantly the subject matter is perfect. I don't care who you are or if your really above board. Regardless, this is amazing, fantastic stuff.

I am working on my little essay as we speak {well figurtively not literally really, since I can't write 2 different things at once}

How could I have gone so long without knowing this existed?


Monday, 7 June 2004 - 4:25 PM CDT

Name: Salty

?Where the hell do you get off making politically-oriented remarks, you stupid ivory tower Hollywood liberal pansy-assed pansy?"

I've met so many people who get off making politically-oriented remarks, that it's surprising TIME magazine doesn't sit cosily next to Playboy on the racks. God knows (and he'd better keep his omniscient yap shut) that when I was growing up every spare second I possessed was devoted to this pasttime. As soon as I returned home from a grinding day at school, I would sprint up to my room, fling my bag aside, and plunge both eager hands under my mattress. This was my treasure you see, that which inspired my drudging day away, my Olympic torch. I should pluralize , for the trove held many especially glittering glories. I'd found them under a loose floorboard at my uncle's house and had secreted them away, realizing that he couldn't demand them back without causing some amount of scandal. And now I lifted them up, reverently one by one. I had a unique and intimate relationship with each one of these magazines you see. One by one they appeared, till my blood burned with overwhelming anticipation. "The Nation", "The New Republic", "Adbusters", "The New Yorker" My breath came faster. I locked the door and laid down on my bed, a worn copy of "The National Review" gripped lovingly in my young hands.

"What are you doing up there?", rang the suspicious voice of my mother from downstairs. "Uh - masturbating!", I lied. Then, ducking half under the covers to help muffle the sound, I began making politically-oriented remarks. And it was good.


p.s. Man, banana-sized shrimp Rance? (getting back to the hot topic) Peel those suckers and add a side of coconut-sized cous cous!

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 4:57 PM CDT

Name: Amber
Home Page:

I ran across this blog this morning, I think from something on, but I can't even remember now as I have spent the last few hours reading through your old posts. My current job is generally fairly boring, so over the last several months I have taken to reading people's blogs as a way to pass the time. I have to say only a handful of them have interested me enough for me to go back and read all their posts. Yours is one of those. Perhaps, it's the whole maybe he's famous or maybe he's just bored and good at making stuff up. Whatever the case is, you're words are interesting and even you're blurred stories and jokes kept me reading. As for the people that say celebs have no right to comment on politics, um they're voters so I'm thinking that means they should be involved in politics, and if they look around at "normal" people's blogs there are many talking politics these days. Why should I be able to talk crap about Bush to anyone who'll listen when the celeb who happens to have a lot more people listening can't do the same? As for this win a viper thing, I guess I should have found this place sooner, but it's probably for the best as I can't afford anymore speeding tickets :) Keep writing and we'll keep reading whoever you are.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 5:14 PM CDT

Name: poogrampy

Why 'Rance'? Too much lexical and phonological kinship (whether real or imagined) to 'rancid' or 'rank'. Why not 'Danger Boy' or 'Toasty Club Sandwich' or 'Tooty J. Llamasniffer'? Really make 'em wonder.

P.S. Though this is admittedly self-condemnatory, aren't we all guilty, by faithfully reading this blog and thinking it is amazing, brilliant, and/or interesting, of the shameful voyerism fostered and fed by 'reality' TV, tabloid TV shows, and tabloid magazines? Do sites like this really foster a 'community' feeling, as one commentator commented?

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 5:25 PM CDT

Name: SolotovCocktail
Home Page: http://nonexistant

Dear Rance,
I am in doubt as to whether or not this will even reach you. Nonetheless, I am sure you know by now, the media hounds are on to you. There is an intersting article on you floating somewhere on the "Tamany Hall of Software" website. Needless to say, soon this blog will be overrun by the masses, becuse, well because America has become a celebrity whore. I have been a lurker for some time now, but I feel it is time to step up. I believe that in your posts are cleverly imbedded clues as to who you are. Damnit, I plan to figure it out. I doubt this is the first comment of this nature you have recieved, but I have persistance. And, if in the end this turns out to be a Scooby Doo cartoon (where none of the clues ever help you deduce the indentity of the culprit, and it takes the illogical musings of orange clad teenage girl to solve the mystery) I will at least have put my brain to work during these summer months. Let's hope that is the end of ridiculously long run on sentences. I bid you farewell, and break my bottle of cheap champagne against the hull for good luck on this voyage.

P.S. If it turns out you are Owen Wilson, like the msn article suggests, it would totally tickle my pickle. George Clooney now, not so great. He ruined Batman.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 5:32 PM CDT

Name: Dirk D

It is so interesting to me to see how many women
get so hot in the pants for someone they have never seen...
As soon as wealth, money and fame are mentioned
all logic goes out the window.
Rance how do you feel about the fact that most women that sleep with you are doing so not because they are in any way attracted to you, but to your money...

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 7:21 PM CDT

Name: Quixotic

Do you really believe he's going to answer that question?! Are you nuts?

Enjoy the tropics, Rance. You deserve the break.

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 8:12 PM CDT

Name: Isis

Well, if one is wont to believe that which he / she can find on the Internet, then I submit the following reason for CIA Director George Tenet?s resignation. (Clearing throat now.) You see, dear Rance, and fellow bloggers, it has come to my attention that it was not Bush?s personal reasons that caused Tenet?s sudden resignation, oh no! (Pause, beat, whisper.) It was an ancient Albanian curse of sorts. You know those pesky little things, doncha? You try and do a good thing, visit a pint-sized, sunny slice of the Adriatic coast that has been ground down for years by poverty, blood vendettas, and too many five-year plans (while still managing to pack a wild punch of traditional Mediterranean charm and Soviet-style inefficiency), and, dang, a big-ass Albanian jinx has to come up and bite you in your be-hind. Ugh. I hate when that happens?all the time.

A Tirana newspaper (The Korrieri Daily) column, penned by editor Alfred Peza, read that, "If he (Tenet) had not planned a visit to Albania, he probably would have not been struck by the curse of the Pojan jinx," citing a supposed evil spirit that jinxed the villagers of Pojan back in the mists of time. It goes on to say that Tenet wasn?t the first to fall at the feet of Albania. No ? in fact, the late Soviet Army Marshal Georgy Zhukov, former West German foreign minister Hans-Dietrich Genscher, and others were all demoted or quit after becoming involved with Albania. As if all this is more proof of hocus-pocus, or, again, Albanian witchery. Although, hmm, one never does hear what exactly this evil spirit, ahem, Pojan jinx, actually is. And a simple Google doesn?t lend any hints. But I digress.

Now, some background info., cause well, it?s always good to have, uh, background info.: Tenet's resignation, the paper said, had prevented him visiting the Albanian birthplace of his mother who, by his own account, escaped from southern Albania on a British submarine just as the Iron Curtain was closing after World War II (sob). But it might not have been his first trip to the former Stalinist bastion. Previous reports, also unconfirmed, say Tenet twice visited Albania, incognito, in the early 1990s (Hmm, sounds familiar, much like trips in and out of Cuba? Well, kinda sorta. And it?s always neat to come full circle?).

Anywho, there you have it! Tenet was clearly felled by the jinx. Not Bush?s personal reasons (Sorry Rance). So, following this logic, I think the real questions here are: What is UP with Albania? (Any Albanians in the house? Can I get a what-what?) And if one resigns or leaves power upon the precipice of a trip to Albania, how can we arrange to send Bush there TODAY? I kid, I kid? ;-)

I hope you didn?t mind the foray into GT?s resignation, but Rance did invite some suggestions his way. I can?t take full credit for it actually, you see, I read it on the Internet. It?s funny what one can find on the Internet if he or she is looking. I mean, next thing you know, celebs will hide behind their computers to write in some online journal, we?ll call it a ?blog,? while vacationing in exotic locales, like ?whaling ships in the Indian Ocean,? begrudging him / herself shrimp, calling it ?against programming,? all the while reaching millions of psychos?er?readers, and begging to keep his / her anonymity intact. Will wonders never cease?

Happy reading!

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 8:23 PM CDT

Name: Ezrie

PS: Grace "PS. for me it's watch hockey game + plot ways to have Jarome's baby + write Rance = night in jail."

Ha, ha, HA!

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 9:50 PM CDT

Name: Nord

Hi R and all others,

I have a few things to say to the relevant insiders, long term Rancees, the Elite, however you refer to yourselves. I have only been reading this for a few weeks now and fell into the site though a search for a particular celebrity. No one told me about it and I was not aware of the related hype (I am afraid we have real news in my country).

I find this blog most amusing and it keeps me coming back for more. But my gripe, comment, whatever you want to call it, is this:

For those original readers who are whingeing and complaining (and no it is not all of you, this I concede) about the sites relatively recent and ever increasing popularity (to the point of ridiculousness), stop bitching about other people posting and looking at the site. How do you think it became this way? If all of the original Rancees had not told a soul about the site it would be like it was - you are responsible for your own predicament, so accept responsibly for it.

It?s on par with being the first person to read a book that you love and you have the only copy - do you put it away never to be seen again or lend it to a friend telling them it is the best thing you have ever read? This is obviously what at least a few of you have done and now this blog is a phenomenon unto itself.

Anyway enough said.

Take care all, especially all the original Rancees (even the complainers).

By the way, the big shrimps as you so call them are called Prawns. Shrimp, in my opinion, reflects the size.............

Monday, 7 June 2004 - 11:04 PM CDT

Name: Bard

Maybe we should take this to a personal chat, but my pulse quickens and my loins tingle when I see The Economist arrive in my mail box, so demure in its brown paper wrapper. Even more titillating in its seduction--The Utne Reader. Memories of our times together are just so dduuurty.

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 12:58 AM CDT

Name: Babygirlcrow
Home Page:


Well you know me, here i am again......I'm not one to sit back and just let things go.......So i'm sending you a SOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (You will understand this soon!) Now about this staff of yours....Me think's you need a better staff this one sucks.......


p.s. lora agrees

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 1:27 AM CDT

Name: Beki H.
Home Page:

With the recent popularity of monster flicks and the success brought to ?Bill and Ted?s Excellent Adventure? by historical figure cameos, Beki H. brings you:

Countdown to Doom

Angelina Jolie and Eleanor Roosevelt co-star in this action-packed summer blockbuster. When a malevolent biologist decodes ancient carvings on Mayan ruins, he discovers the key to bringing the undead to life and creating an army of powerful former-political-figure-zombies. Only when President Smith (Jolie) learns the code and calls upon the superior evil-smiting powers of former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt does the world stand a chance at survival.

This thrilling combination of boobs (Jolie?s) and bombs (via Mrs. Roosevelt, complete with witty one-liners) is sure to sweep the box offices, or at least wind up in some weirdo?s cult classics movie collection.

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 1:52 AM CDT

Name: Anna Banana
Home Page: http://nah

Hi Rance! I'm just posting to let you and everyone else know that I don't care at all what your real identity is! I care so little, in fact, that I feel the need to post a comment stating just how very, very little I care. I love you for your heart/humour/brain and not for your money/jewels/potential car-bestowing capabilities!! And anyone who says otherwise is lying! I care the least of all of you! Step off, other non-carers, for I care less than you do!

Yeah and to the guy who posted about Rance needing to stick to what he knows re: the political commentary? Dude, you need to stop reading blogs. Because that's pretty much what happens in blogs. It's sort of their very essence, do you get me? Also, you need to consider the fact that if we were all to suddenly stop talking about topics in which we do not hold advanced degrees, conversation would totally start to suck.

Tenet. It's obvious, isn't it? Or isn't it? If George had fired Tenet and Tenet had had a little hissy fit over being fired he may have called a press conference and said something along the lines of: "You know all that stuff I didn't say about George being on vacation for most of summer 2001 and not reading any of the daily briefings and not really knowing anything about the evil terrsts at all? Well, if you want me to talk about that now, ask away!"

I can't think of any plotlines involving Angelina Jolie as prez. I like her, but she's a much hotter person than she is a good actor and then the plot would have to be all about the prez getting naked and taking long showers with her female security advisor (played by Carmen Electra) and would be baaaaad.

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 2:01 AM CDT

Name: diana

dearest rance,
i dont have much to comment on in regards to your postings (it all seems mad to me -- maybe bcs i am a 26 yr old ex-pat living in bosnia hercegovina working in humanitarian/diplomacy stuff and you sound like you have more of a hectic life than me), but i am writing to talk to you abt shrimp. dude--i may have a sickness bcs all i can think abt is shrimp and eating shrimp. mainly shrimp that has been grilled. and dont get me wrong, i am not fat. i am not food obsessed (except for a period in college when i would walk from berkeley to oakland to get a burger at clarkes). sometimes, when BiH gets to be too much (i work in a segregated school system in a divided city) i imagine shrimp dumplings from shen hua in berkeley or shrimp on the barbie from the outback in sf. needless to say i feel better in spite of the little ache that remains when i come to and realize the closest shrimp to me is in croatia. i think euro shrimp is good and i have a dirty little secret that i am a little shy to reveal on my first 'comment.' its for later....

anyhow, i was wondering, whats your favourite shrimp dish? and also, i am coming to l.a. on thursday and i was wondering where you recommend for my first stateside shrimp meal. give it to me good rance......cause i have been deprived.

warmest, diana

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 3:14 AM CDT

Name: Upon Nighted Plains

>how about you give us your qualifications for
>providing political commentary? My 2 cents, stick
>to what you know!

First of all, this is not a defense of Rance you're about to read, but an objective commentary on what you've written.

That said, who assigned YOU the filtration system for political commentary within the United States? Lemme see...Patriot Act aside, this is SUPPOSED to be a free and open society. Debate and exchange should be held and stimulated by ALL, not some chosen few who may or may not know what it is they say they know.

How dare you state that an average citizen of the US has no business discussing policy, world affairs, and so on. You're probably one of these people who think a guy like Tim Robbins should just keep his mouth shut.

Yeah, right. If that's the case, then NONE of us should ever open our mouths. We should all just sit here like good little potatoes whilst the sage and benevolent government guides and teaches us.

Things political are things human, and things human are filled to bursting with INTANGIBLES.

I mean, this is not like someone who's never studied chemistry trying to tell a chemist that his zinc-chromate mixture is in error.

No, the political scene requires a good deal of abstract thinking: Lots of grey, and few absolutes. It's almost an artform, where many different approaches yield many different results, and therefore many paths are fair game for many interpretations.

Let's hear them all, shall we? If you don't like what's being said, you're free to go elsewhere.

Open societies are a fabulous thing, aren't they?


Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 7:48 AM CDT

Name: Ken
Home Page:

Lemme guess...Tenet gave Bush the pretzels and curious George just figured out his intentions. Or, could it be that Georgey Jr. got confused whenever George Tenet's name was brought up in conversation with respect to intelligence failure and through the genius of the process of elmination, he fired George Tenet to make sure people weren't talking about him.

"I will now segue clumsily into" tiger prawns. Prawn trawlers use the harbour in Darwin as their port of call to scrape up the bottom of the Gulf of Carpenteria of the northern coast of Australia for prawns. You can go up to the boats there and ask if you can buy straight off the boat. The commmercial fisheries boats won't sell but the private guys are usually pretty good. You could fill your pockets for 80 cents!! I vaguely recall something that you need to do with preparing these beasts, something about a vein the size garden hose that needs to be removed before eating. I suggest that you consult the captain about that.

Happy munching

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 1:45 PM CDT

Name: mrkazee

kittens on a croissant! are you my step-father?

how about a truce - you don't tell mom that i'm associated with the manager at fatburger, and i won't tell her that you were reading/posting with the likes of me...

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 1:49 PM CDT

Name: Debster

Was this Matt Damon? AND hope against hopes, is my darling Rance not Jim Carrey, but Ben Affleck? I thought Ben was at a Red Sox game w/ a lookalike J Lo.

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 1:51 PM CDT

Name: Unimpressed

How lovely it must be to have nothing important to do with your time. I must say you write well enough but the arrogance of your posts astounds me. So why do I read them? I guess, to use a cliche, its rather like a train wreck - you can't help but read them to see what creative ways you will come up with to let us know how priveledged you are and to gain attention.

Enjoy sunning yourself, drowning in booze, and congratulating yourself on not ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. I have to go figure out how to stretch a paycheck fifty different ways, including going out to lunch with a bunch of people from work I could not care less about. As far as baking in the sun, I can't afford air conditioning so I guess when my house heats up this summer I'll poor a boat drink and pretend I am some place fab just like you!

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 2:03 PM CDT

Name: ginny
Home Page:


Your treatment is a lot like mine was, except mine had rappelling and bathtubs (and rather a lot of beer, as I vaguely recall). You've got better casting for the also-rans, though.

Are you me? Am I you? It's enough to make the eyes cross trying to get some perspective on the question.

Well, FWIW, I posted my competing pitch (and it's a screwball) on my own site. It was probably the beer that killed it.

Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 2:06 PM CDT

Name: Enigma

Online Entertainment - A voracious pool of personalities.

Reading this blog reminds me of sitting on a bench in a crowded mall watching the shoppers hurry here and there with mind numbing purpose. Its enough just to keep outside the fray of madness ....because it seems free and "won't cost you a thing" to post. Until some enlightened day when you realize you can't seem to pull yourself away, and your shocked wondering when did online entertainment replace living in the real world. Sure, it all seems innocent enough. A blog here...a blog there..."you can stop anytime you want". LOL

*smiles sipping on a root(beer)*


Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 2:13 PM CDT

Name: Minelli

I came across your blog because of the article on MSN interestingly titled, "Who is Rance?". I was drawn to the name and what it implies. I was hoping to read cynical and sarcastic ranting - the type of comedic speech I'm drawn to. Despite what I thought I am sucked in. Curiosity has gotten to me. Not necessarily about who you are or if your famous but how people are reacting to your blog.

Its neat that you have an outlet to clue us in on the politics and lifestyles of the industry and express it in a creative way. For me as a reader and a nobody, it springs about a ton of questions. Do you type and re-type, read and re-read what you've written (like I have done 10 times for just this paragraph)? Or does someone type for you and correct your grammar? Do you have your staff back track and cross reference so you don't give anything away about who you are? Famous or not, do you fear that when you are found out the media/terrorist's/Sponge Bob/crackheads/etc. are going to pick apart what you've written and scrutinize every last word? How does this blog get attention, just from the MSN article? Or, is this one of those "unplanned trips to Spago" deals your peeps set up? Are most people responding to your blog because they think you might be famous or is it for the Dodge Viper? And why Dodge? Why not BMW or Jaguar?

The first "celeb" that I know of that communicated with fans via internet was Curt Schilling right when he left the D-backs for the Red Sox. It was a positive and exciting reaction from the fans. Shit, If I got to chat with Vladi or A-Rod or even Khalil Greene I'd freak. Are you hoping for the same reaction? Or just any reaction? Or did you already put the answer to this question in your blog somewhere and I didn't read it?


Tuesday, 8 June 2004 - 5:21 PM CDT

Name: Upthewall

Black Marla could take your blog into a whole new direction, Rancey. I think this gal needs her own website.

Keep writing like this Marla, and no one will need Star, they could just come to Rance's site, lube n all!

Wednesday, 9 June 2004 - 2:58 PM CDT

Name: Jasna
Home Page:

Well Rance it never hurts to dabble in politics. More Hollywood types need to... except action stars (and I'm not even getting started on Arnold) like Bruce Willis. Tell me something, why are so many actors Republican? Is it conservative ideals or do they just want to keep their money in their own pockets?

Thursday, 10 June 2004 - 3:49 AM CDT

Name: Rose

How did this pile of old wank get posted and my pitch on Elenor didn't. Like everything else it's who you know!

Thursday, 10 June 2004 - 1:12 PM CDT

Name: FlyingWaitress
Home Page:

O.K so here it is. I I know it's horrible and I should be ashamed of myself. My friends have tried to get me help. Like the 'lower taxes' addict I am, I always fall off the wagon, but the support group for recovering right wing conservatives is always there for me.Yesterday were just chanting "I promise I won't stop people from having abortions" over and over again when I realized it was hopeless. I finally resigned myself to a life in which I belive in less goverment, the sanctity of life, lower taxes (which although I make almost lower then the poverty line - thanking the airlines for that one - I still have had such a huge tax break the last couple years that I can't help but disbelive the whole "tax cut is only for the rich thing". So here it is:

My name is Teresa and I am a republican.

Since so was Abraham Lincoln and most of the other anti - slavery activists at that time were as well, I find myself in company that I'm not ashamed of.

I am sorry. I can't help it.

Friday, 11 June 2004 - 3:40 AM CDT

Name: Upon Nighted Plains

Dearest FlyingWaitress:

The Republican Party that that produced Abraham Lincoln is as far from the George W. Bush Administration (and most current office-holding Republicans) as an aircraft carrier from a Chinese junk.

Bush is an embarrassment to Republicans: He's a loopy, Right-Wing extremist, as are most of his cabinet. These wacky bastards have alienated *true* Republicans, not to mention most of the rest of civilisation (yes, there *is* a relevant world beyond US borders).

Wanna see a REAL Republican? Look no further than Senator John McCain. If more Republicans were like this guy (who mirrors the true historical values of the Republican party), the world would be safer, the US more respected, and flowers would grow in dark places.

And there would be no room for toadstool-squatting extremists like Wolfowitz, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, and the Arch Lord of Hell himself, Cheney.

Democrats complain about their party not having its shit together, but they've got nothing on the magnificent distortion the Republican party has seen in the hands of extremist-activists like the above-mentioned criminals.


P.S. Former Republican turned "Citizen of the World".

Friday, 11 June 2004 - 6:17 AM CDT

Name: Reba jane

**Private Post if possible Please** :)
Hey there

As you are a self described L celebrity im wondering if you can help me.

I have terminal cancer and my family are taking me to LA for a holiday before i get to ill to do anything, while i am there the emmy awards are on.

Since i was 5 I have dreamed of attending the emmys, golden gbes or oscars, being from New Zealand we dont get anything like that down here (oh there is the sheep shearer of the year awards but they just dont have the same pizzaz :) )

I know its a silly question but do you know of who i can contact to see if i could get tickets or if you are feeling like being generous try to help me get a couple? I'm not trying to be tricky to find out who you are, knowing your identity would spoil the fun of reading your blog.

Any way if you have any ideas on who i could contact (i have tried the emmy website but my email hasnt been replied too) i would appreciate it. have a great weekend.


Friday, 11 June 2004 - 11:04 AM CDT

Name: Reality Bites

Hey Rance.I have been reading your blogs for awhile now,but haven't left a comment.I was just wondering what you thought of all the publicity you, "Hollywoods Mystery Man," are getting? Does it amuse you? Will you ever admit to who you are? I am interested in who you are, just because I am a human being, and humans tend to be curious creatures, but yet..why should it matter? It doesn't. You are who you are, so keep on doing what you do.

Friday, 11 June 2004 - 3:26 PM CDT

Name: Marmoorah

Thanks, I needed a giggle today

Tuesday, 15 June 2004 - 3:30 PM CDT

Name: Amanda

Dear Unimpressed,
Boo-fucking-hoo. Piss and moan a little more why dont you.
If you cannot afford air conditioning, then you cannot afford to go out with co-workers for lunch. (Its called common sense). And honestly, if you cannot afford air conditioning, then why are you still calling these people co-workers? If I made THAT little money I would surely quit the stupid job and find one that paid more. I am a 22 year old single mother working as a receptionist and *I* can afford air conditioning. Perhaps you are stupid but its called LIVING WITHIN YOUR MEANS.

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