Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:23 PM CDT

#1- I guess this means Rance can't come outside and play with us kids as much anymore.

#2- That you even questioned it, gives you your answer.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:31 PM CDT

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Rancesfolks:

If the indie film in question involves twentysomething slackers, twentysomething slackers stealing money from the mob, aforementioned slackers coming to terms with love (while involved in some sort of heist or robbery, or trying to make it big in a rock band), any thing resembling a Guy Ritchie film, or teens trying to lose their virginity, then: no, under no circumstances should said filmmakers accept the mob money.
By using the money to finance their film not only are they depriving some poor up-and-coming-corleone of a shot at mobster stardom, but they are doing irreparable damage to the movie going public.

However if said film involves the appearance of monkey(s) (in knife fights, driving cars, becoming manager of the NY Knicks, etc.) then yes, there should be no qualms about using the money.

Please do not send your boy to bed without dinner.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:31 PM CDT

What waste of time? Rance writes entertainingly regardless of who he is. However, I was picturing him more as a balding 58 year old with scrawny legs, knobby knees, and a big beer gut.

As for the dilemma, I find a lot of what large corporations do to be morally questionable. However, they are a lot less likely to break your legs if you accept funding from them and they don't like the way the way the picture is going.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:32 PM CDT

Cazart! Right when i was interested in this.
Well, lie or not, its the best blog I've read.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:37 PM CDT

sally forth

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:40 PM CDT

Dear Rance's Mom and Dad,

I think you should be proud of your son for endeavoring to create a place on the web where he can share his creative abilities with the rest of the world. The only good that can come of attaining a college degree these days is that some behind-the-times companies still request them when applying for a job that usually only relates marginally to the degree. But which would you rather your boy do: 1) Work at a Fortune 500 company making a living wage and be miserable, or 2) Do something creative with his life, taking the chance that he may make less than a living wage, but be happy in what he does? For my children, I wish happiness.

As to your quandary, I like the phrase, "money has no provenance".

I also like the phrase "explosive diarreah", though, so take that as you will.

P.S: Rance's mom...R U h0t? WaNt 2 cYb3R?

cUl8r,
Joey - 7th grade

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:42 PM CDT

please read this... PRIVATE *wink Don't post (ah do whatever u want, I know ya will. It's a guy thing not to listen) I hope you can answer my question; Im a novice internet dweller, very sensitive never knowing when I've crossed a line.... The line thing doesn't have anything to do with the mob input.

Hope Ranceys grades pick up. I would take mob money as long as there were no deep connections with them for future business dealings.

Now for the Line thing I wrote a note under Queen Lolly, because thats who I really am. I was being silly... then I wrote a note to a note writer I thoughjt was angry and I again thought I was being silly..hmm silly ya I know. THEN I read about how somebody was evil and harrassing people on the net and thought OMG = Oh My Gawd... *w anyway I was hoping that reference wasn't toward my post. I kinda doubt I could be taken as a stalker/harrasser mean person but shit Have I gotten myself into some trouble on line.
Toodles. Hope your very smart-assy son earns his net time back.

Laters Queen Lolly. fucking neurotic I truely am.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 12:50 PM CDT

Dear Rance's Mom and Dad:

Could you settle an issue for us while you are here? Is your son hairy, and do you force him to live in your basement?

thanks so much in advance,

Rance's Loyal Readers

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:09 PM CDT

dear rance's mom & dad,

i've seen worse. do not disconnect the intenet cable. give your son a hug.

-tamara

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:10 PM CDT

From a common sense point of view, don't use the money, because inevitably the mob benefactor will soon have a list of "casting suggestions", a mob of "crew members" who will sit around eating craft service, talking shit and collecting fat paychecks. Also, there will no doubt be some unpleasant demands made on the back-end, although you can't really avoid those by doing it "legit". From a legal point of view, if you know or reasonably should know that the money is from illegal sources, you are better off not using it, should a subsequent legal issue arise. And be sure to report it as gross income to you or your corp., or you are asking for it.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:12 PM CDT

mom & dad,

to me, the bigger question is why the mob (and/or producers) would want to finance the film. i would presume at that sum they expected to get something from their investment... perhaps it is unfair of me, but i wonder whether "helping art" would aptly describe those expectations.

the ethical question, as i see it, is more closely linked with the filmmaker's intent (and the rape thereof), rather than the mode of realization. see "bullets over broadway" for more exposition.

oh, and show some tole-rance to the ol' boy, won't you?

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:22 PM CDT

It all depends on the basis of where the money came from. In the case of the mob, it is assumed that the money which they provide is "dirty". Taking any of this money would be immoral, since it comes from illegal practices. While in the case of the producers, the source of the money is not conveyed in the original posting, but beacause there is a chance that it is clean, I would use them as a funding source. I may be a bit naive to the hollywood industry, but I believe that the most moral thing to do in this situation is to not support known, established crime syndicates.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:33 PM CDT

Dumb ass folks always trying to cut my net access too. Damn the man, save the empire !!!!

Stay gold Rance, we all know you really are famous. I think you might be the kid from the Six Sense, or maybe even Danny Devito.

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaates,
P. Tony

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:38 PM CDT

Dear Rance's Mom and Dad,

At least all the magazines that your son has been reading has given him a sense of writing style that draws in the reader. Apparently, the Banditos in the Cosa Nostra have a cosmic connection to all quarks, even the Hollywood type.

We hope you do not ground him and let him share his witty prose with us in his blog. Our pledge to you, if you let him keep the cable connection, is as follows:

We the blog readers of RANCE, will not try to solicit your son to meet us at the bus station for candy, or sweet puppies, or anything taudry. All exchanges will be tit for tat, with each party benefiting greatly. Our attention will be faithful, until he pisses us off or bores us, which ever comes first.

With that being pledged, please let Rance, our little hairy man out of the basement, for a bit of sunshine. He's looking a little pale.

:wink:

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:43 PM CDT

Dear Parents of Rance;

What I find most fascinating is how similar your writing style is to that of Rance. Can we say TRANSparent? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Lisa S

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:43 PM CDT

Hey!
This is Sally and those were legitimate profits from the Boss's import/export business!

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 1:45 PM CDT

While we're at it, please excuse any strange comments my great-grandmother might make. She is 97 years old and operates under the strange delusion that she is a pirate. I knew it was a mistake to let her watch that Tyrone Power movie.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 2:07 PM CDT

*gasps*

To Rance's Mom and Dad,

Why are you being so mean to Rance?
He might have other ways he wants to spend his future. Not all jobs require mathematics degrees, we've got calculators.
Not all jobs require science. Maybe your son wants to write rumours about celebrities for a living?
Why don't you pick on Rance's siblings?
Does he have any brothers to pick on?
Any sisters?

For my social studies test we had to write about Shanghai and this is what I wrote:

Shanghai is a costal city with 12 million people in it. There was a movie called Shanghai Noon (Knights is the second one) starring Jackie Chan & Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson has been in other movies such as The Haunting, Behind Enemy Lines, I-Spy, Starsky & Hutch, The Royal Tennebauns. I am not sure about Jackie Chan.
My favourite quote from Shanghai Noon was 'This is the west, not the east, the sun may rise where you come from, but this, is where it sets.' It has so much meaning in it. We are talking about Shanghai. So I heard there's going to be another movie called Shanghai Dawn. *crosses fingers*

That was my social studies test. Still need to get back the results.

~Stacey.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 2:23 PM CDT

I figured someone would have posted a comment on this one by now. Couldn't get a trusted associate to write something for this one, Rance?

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 2:36 PM CDT

Rance,

Greetings and salutations from your neighbour in the Great White North (with the best pot in the entire universe, I hasten to add.) Just wondering if you've had any exploits up here, seeing as Canada hosts Hollywood productions at half the price! I think we try to be a bit more subtle when confronting celebrity. Thoughts?

Ravegirl

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 2:39 PM CDT

R's parents,

I think you have more to worry about beyond whether or not to recco. the filmmaker's take the ill-gained profits or no, even if the film-to-be is beneficial to society. You should teach your son about McWorld v Jihad the hard way by sending him to our Afganistan-like training camp to detox from media poison. Call the number below for more info.

800-652-3467

Ask for Jimmy Eisner.

Best,

Jerry

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 2:52 PM CDT

Dear Rance's Mom and Dad ( and 'hi' to Rance's Grandma ! ),
stop trying to steal your son's spotlight because you'll never be half as wonderful as him. As caring and responsible parents, you should be trying to set up for him a date with Angelina Jolie.
Of course, you can also try to make a faux Rance blog on this site http://mustbepop.darkcafedays.com/

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 3:06 PM CDT

This is interesting. I've never seen an entry of yours sit so long without a single comment. Possibly, you've disturbed people enough that they're all out there in the world, staring at their screens, scratching their heads, and thinking "have we actually been duped"?

Or maybe the comment-monster ate them.

The comments. Not the readers. ... one would hope.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 3:13 PM CDT

I assume my answer was not satisfactory or the comment monster ate it?

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 3:14 PM CDT

Wow. Rance's Mom and Dad write exactly like Rance does.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 3:24 PM CDT

I think you mean tRANCEparent?

Oh. Wait. t Rance parent. Rance's Parents.

ha!

I r t3h r0fl

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 3:29 PM CDT

Not to be a bitch, but this time of year it's actually "The Great Yellow and Brown North."
Expatriot.... OUT!

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 3:32 PM CDT

Exactly! ;)

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 3:32 PM CDT

Yep! ;)

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:02 PM CDT

subtle or stoned?

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:04 PM CDT

Question for Rance: Why, when the Tripod pop-up window pops up on your page, does it "suggest" the following related blogs or sites?: Michael Owen, Patrick Wilson, Torrie Wilson, Owen Hart, Debra Wilson, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, etc. Is there some common theme here, perhaps? The Tripod site states that "Tripod Sidebar is a tool for helping people find other Tripod member sites similar to the one they're viewing. When a visitor browses to a Tripod member site, we check our database. If similar sites exist, the Sidebar opens up, and those sites are listed." I'm not sure how all these seemingly random names are related (for the record, they belong to two film actors, a Tv actor, a model, a soccer player, a pro-wrestler and a guy who appears to sing showtunes professionally).Since they all seem to be generated automatically by the tripod site, I'm curious as to what it could be connecting them all......as far as I can tell, none of these people are referenced in your site. But I suppose the answer to that might spoil all the fun? Hopefully not....

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:07 PM CDT

K, I finally got enough time away from refilling Kevin Spacey's coffee mug.
Look, take the mob money; there's no reason not to. The mob has been giving us the spiritual vigor to make more blockbusters than any crime family; save the Republican Party. In fact, you could get in good with them and make the ultimate blockbuster: Rance
See, it's a docudrama about this film star who is schizophrenic. He takes a million bucks from the mob to produce a picture, and finds that he can't pull it off, due to an overwhelming Nyquil addiction that has left him uninspired.
The movie comes to a head when Rance makes a cocktail of Adrenachrome and Dimetapp and flies into a psychopathic rage, killing the ultimate mob hitman, Richard Greico (as himself).
Soon, he has it out with the mob boss Scrumptulescent, played by Johnny Depp (a.k.a. Waxwing).
In the final scene a paparazzi-guy jumps from a garbage can, just as Scrumptulescent is about to cut Rance's throat, and gives Rance the chance to stab Wax...Scrumptulescent with a pair of scissors.

Rance, this is box office gold!

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:17 PM CDT

R, hmmm. care to comment?

http://www.defamer.com/topic/mystery-blogger-rance-outed-001847.php

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:18 PM CDT

they are trying to out you on http://www.defamer.com. check it out, ryan.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:21 PM CDT

Dear Parents,
I can see your dilemma, it's a tough situation to weigh. On the one hand, the mafia offers the ultimate double-edged sword, the best and the worst of both worlds. As an entertainer, you are given protection, respect, and understanding of human nature. No funny business. Downside: death by slow strangulation in the trunk of a car. It's the love/hate thing, the Madonna/whore image. Just don't piss them off, and life is pretty good. Buuut, ask Debbie Davis what she thinks, and she might tell you a very different story (if she could talk). The Hollywood producers, well that sounds a bit worse to me. Shameless self-indulgence, entitledness, no rules, no concern with wrongdoing. Pure ignorance. Upside: no death by slow strangulation in the trunk of a car. Decisions, decisions. Honestly, I can see very well why the mob is appealing to entertainers. On the other hand, I have never experienced the other side of that coin, and I really wouldn't want to.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:26 PM CDT

Rance's Mom and Dad,

Oh, OK, allright already, we get the hint! Show biz parents, eh? Recently from Bouldar, Colorado, are you?
To save your family honor and free you from this quandary, just tell us to whom we cut the checks, how much, and where we mail them.

And it's fairly easy to get into a good college. The only real trick is to stay there. But we'll help him with his homework. I graduated with a 4.0/4.0 GPA, and I'll volunteer to help R-boy with a course or two. Am sure others will also. Now give us back our Rance. Re-connect that internet. The commenters here are coalescing into a sort of Borg...it is useless to resist.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:44 PM CDT

I chirped an obscene expletive when I saw this. Someone is going to stab Waxwing? Then I realized it was not me as I am waxwing, the small and meek. No capital W. But no one should stab Johnny Depp. Besides, how effective is a mere stab wound after Rodriguez took his eyes?

Otherwise, go with the docudrama. You want a check too?

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 4:55 PM CDT

P.S. I think we'd all like to see Rance get into a good college, so please don't let his blogging time interfere with schoolwork. That would be bad. Blogging doesn't pay the bills, and Rance has to find the $$ for that Viper somehow...

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 5:19 PM CDT

R,
along the lines of the defamer speculation, i wonder if you would conjecture on why people are so eager to debunk your status as a celeb? after reading the copywriter conjecture and considering the numerous squeals of "fraud" amongst the readers, i wonder why it is that we all feel the need to have credibility, even if that credibility is fundamentally anonymous? the irony is hilarious.

not split linguistic hairs, but i've often wondered at your dedication to the term "psuedonymity," even when "anonymity" occasionaly seemed more appropriate in context. perhaps nothing, or perhaps true?

either way, i hope that the psuedonym which is rance will give some half-baked retort to the speculation. anonymous celeb or witty cw (i've known a few), rance is nice to hear from now and again.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 5:19 PM CDT

But what happened to Norma? Did she get the dirt on Johnson which could serve to shut him up? Was it all a dream? Where does Sally fit into all of this?

The question at stake is, I suppose, a matter of "chains of obligation". For instance, if the mob money were to be accepted, the interest rate would certainly be high ("Use Yer Imagination"), and there would be considerable impetus to pay it back (they would invoke Vito power, ie. call in Vito to back up Sally). Sadly, financing acts the same way no matter who the financier might be -- breaking your metaphorical kneecaps of credit is just as deleterious to your artistic career.

But in Norma's case, if she became beholden to Johnson, she'd be in bad financial shape anyway. If *she* decided to invoke Vito power, then Johnson might well demur from his proposal, but Norma would then find herself in the same position as te Independent Filmmakers -- at some point, she'd owe the mob some amount of money/interest/favours... and there's nothing to stop the *mob* from extorting her themselves, at terms as bad or worse than Johnson's.

But for Norma, my first instinct would have been "how can I make this Johnson problem go away?", before thinking a bit more about the chain thingy.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 5:33 PM CDT

Mr. & Mrs. Rancey,


If you spent a fraction of your time with your son and give him the attention that he needs, then maybe he wouldn't need to spend his time reading entertainment magazines and surf the web for gossip sites too get attention, and maybe he might just do his homework and make you proud and get into that good college you want so badly for him.....

In either case, we his readers and commenter's enjoy his writing and look forward to reading more of his post....so, Rance if your mom & dad cut your Internet source the library always has computers, so while you're there doing some research on one of your many papers, stop by one and post away...if that doesn't work, have your computer friend post it for you......and if you need to know how to get into more trouble, then just get a hold of me cause am real good at that and getting in and out of places without being seen.......if you get what i mean.....

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 5:36 PM CDT

To Rance's mom and dad.....

First off, I wouldn't be too worried about Rancie's grades. He has a quick and engaging wit and w/ those SAT scores, is bound to land on his feet somewhere, eventually. I had a relative who was told that his C/D average grades deemed him unfit for college....he went anyway and eventually became CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Ya just never know.

Secondly....there is never, ever a good reason to get in bed w/ the Mob. Never.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 5:38 PM CDT

I beg to differ. Not only is much of it (anywhere north of Iqaluit) quite white at the moment, but huge swathes of my dear (bereaved) Toronto are actually a brilliant green at the moment. It's a gorgeous day this May 5, if still cold as a motherf.

(I feel compelled to point this out 'cause of its relation to my 'nym)

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 6:23 PM CDT

So, this is a family blog now? That would be cool! You could all trade off. It's not like we know you, anyway. Rance can talk about Celebrity, and you can tell us about what he eats, wears, and all of his quirky habits. Or you can make it all up. Those SATs didn't affect his writing ability, and we do enjoy reading.

No real comment on the financing, as cash is cash. I'm wondering what the film was about, though.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 6:46 PM CDT

Hmmn, shouldn't the filmmakers take the Mob money? Because the Mob would probably be using the film to launder money, and the federal forfeiture statute makes subject to forfeiture "any property, real or personal, involved in a transaction or attempted transaction in violation of . . . section 1956 or 1957 of this title, or any property traceable to such property." 18 U.S.C. ? 981(a)(1)(A). 18 U.S.C. ?? 1956-57 are the federal money laundering statutes. Which means that the government could seize the film (the producers were innocent? tough noogies) and John Ashcroft could be picking up their Oscar. Ewww.

And heck, Rance's parents, try to get a gig on "Showbiz Moms & Dads." After all, your son is already a star.

gidget

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 7:18 PM CDT

i am gasping laughing over here, both from the post and from the comments (tRANCEparent indeed...)

Rance's mom and dad, how do you know your boy won't sneak downstairs and use the family computer while you sleep? i certainly do when i visit home. there's a certain thrill from sneaking around in the middle of the night for illicit blog reading, even though i might be long past the appropriate age for a rebellious phase. of course, um... ::scuffs one toe in the carpet and looks abashed:: i now have a little shared secret since i found my mom hunched over the glow of the monitor late at night, avidly browsing Colin Firth fan sites...

second, i don't think the mob question is a matter of ethics as much as a matter of personal survival. i'd be very reluctant to accept any money from the mob ... unless i was opening a restaurant or bar in New York City, at which point i'd probably have to pay them out the ass later anyway.

also, rance's mom and dad: why sign twice?

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 7:20 PM CDT

lack of eyes would make the last "fight by the garbage cans" scene a lot of fun, though.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 7:21 PM CDT

blogging certainly paid the bills for Salam Pax, and one of the writers in my company ;)

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 7:32 PM CDT

Does it anger you when people call you a sell-out?

Do you think John Cusack should be granted an honorary degree from the William F. Buckley Institute of the English Language?

Are actors smarter than models? (I know they are shorter.)

Does Vincent D'Onofrio fear that too much exposure will tarnish his mystique?

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 8:51 PM CDT

RE: Your first paragraph.

The only thing I know about Rance is that his thoughts are green Verdana 8.5, at least on my 'puter. Assuming they are his thoughts and not the product of more than one person, too. He has said he has knowledge of "celebrity". If he has claimed he was an A-lister, I missed it. When he says he knows "what's it like to see your picture on the magazine rack every now and then" he could be announcing he is a photographer or paparazzo himself. His statements have been most circumspect throughout. The embellishments are largely reader-originated, methinks. True, some of us are intrigued by more clues to solving our Rance-etta Stone puzzle, but it doesn't matter. We have a maestro, an Urban Legend, a Pied Piper, a Loki-of-the-Internet, or perhaps just an entertaining and interesting blog with active and involved readers. I once compared this blog's profile to what happened with Richard O'Brien's "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", and I still feel the comparison holds. I tend to believe most of the slobbering debunkers are suffering from blog envy anyway... I'd like to be mature enough to remove "slobbering" from that statement but alas, I am not. I like it like this.

Apologies for the strident tone, but the defamer site ruffled my feathers a bit. Those sorts of people tell you there is no Santa Claus, or the ending to a mystery novel or how a magic trick works, too.

Wednesday, 5 May 2004 - 10:10 PM CDT

i know this kid whose parents have been divorced for about 20 years now, and they absolutely can't stand each other. whenever the father would drop his son off at his ex-wife's house, and she was out mowing the lawn or whatever, he would stare at her until he caught her eye and then give her the finger. it's the funniest thing, ever.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 12:51 AM CDT

I only discovered the "Rance" phenomenon two days ago, only read a couple of his posts, and yet i can see through this "parents" thing right away, while a bunch of you who seem to have been following him all along are replying as if you believe they are real.

It's so obvious what happened. This guy is full of crap, he might write interesting stories, but he's nobody famous, just some dude making stuff up, then when it started getting a lot of attention, too much, he got worried that he'll eventually be discovered and wind up totally embarrased, especially if he is some fat balding middle aged guy living in his parents basement.

So, he dediced to pull the plug before he gets caught, and came up with this "parents" thing as a way to get out clean. Geez you people are gullible.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 1:13 AM CDT

Dear R,

I can hardly believe my eyes as I read this. A damaging blow has been received today, a very damaging blow...

The Agency has found our beloved Curly Fries are no longer being served in any Fats within the major metropolitan area. As I advise the Pentagon as to the effect these events incur on the free world as we know it, our president had this to say.

"I think people in the Middle East who want to dislike the deep-fried curled potato will use this as an excuse to remind people about their dislike. I think the average (Iraqi) citizen will say, 'This isn't the Fatburger I've been told about'."

As you can see our mission is all the more urgent than initially surmised. I can only ascertain that my mission will be brutal as I prepare to venture into Fats in the Valley and outlying areas.

By the way, I have only large carnivorous thick-skinned long-bodied aquatic reptile tears for any who swallow this ploy that the jig is up on you Sir.

Your trusted ally,
Agent Pepito

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 2:44 AM CDT

Dear Mama Rance & Papa Rance:

This is Rancey?s friend Lora aka Angel Lora. Please don?t be mad at Rance because we?re all in this together. You see at the Christmas party last December Rancey, Babygirlcrow, Shorty, Nissa, WendyJo, TRBR, & I decided to come up with a compelling idea for Rance to get accepted into Harvard, which is in four years from now. Instead of writing the usual Statement of Intend we decided to do a sociological experiment, which Rance then could submit to the Film School Committee in order to get accepted. Thus, Rance?s blog was born and Rance of course is the sole creator of his blog and takes full responsibility for it. We discussed the idea with uncle Hoof, the Captain who then helped him set up the tripod site and we as his friends have attempted to give him feedback ever since, so that he could develop his creative writing skills. The essay on Angelina Jolie and the blueberry pancakes was just the beginning. Since then he has written much more compelling stuff such as the entry about your cousins Hal & Vinny, as well as, Rancey?s old babysitter Janet?Alas, Rancey has been getting nothing but A+++ (Ms. English Teacher, the Bitch, can confirm) but he has been hiding it from you in order to surprise you on Mother?s Day this coming weekend? He?s got the perfect gift for you, which is the acceptance letter to Harvard in 2008!!!!

Therefore, please don?t disconnect his computer because the experiment has taken an interesting turn, which you already seem to have knowledge of. Rancey got the offer to make an independent movie with the help of Sally. Yes, Sally belongs to the mob and I helped Rance make contact with him when I went to a costume party at a castle a few weeks ago where I met this Chicago Crime Czar. At that time I didn?t know that he indeed belonged to the mob but Rancey really wants to make the movie because it will help him pay for his Harvard education. You see, once it comes out and premieres at such prestigious places like the Sundance Film Fest Rancey will be well on his way to the celebrity he?s been claiming to be.

Therefore, please do not disconnect or attempt to take over his blog because as babygirlcrow already indicated, he will then have to sneak into my library to continue writing his blog? I also know that you are mad with him for taking the family?s Dodge Viper for a few spins but I can assure you that we were really careful not to get any scratches on the car. All we did is drive over to Fatburgers and the hotel Chateau Marmot. Only once did we almost make an accident and that was my fault because I was the one driving on the freeway when we encountered some schizo guys who were hunting us down to take our pictures. But we escaped safely and made it to the grocery store for liquor swirl and toilet paper. The only other time that we did something bad was when you went on your vacation to Cuba. The handle to your entrance door was broken down and the toilet in the upstairs bathroom was overflowing. But we got it fixed right away thanks to Roto Rooter Platinum and I don?t think you can see anything now. At that time we were playing the Charlie?s Angel game and babygirlcrow pretended to save Rance from President Bush and Dick Cheney?. Which reminds me: if you wonder why the FBI dropped by your place last weekend, it?s because Rancey was using the personal email account of the president and the vice president. However, we send an apology letter to Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney and so all should be swell for now.

Please Mama and Papa Rance don?t disconnect Rancey?s computer. He?s so well loved by his readers and he?s been such an inspiration to all of us. He?s been our muse for the past 4 months and we even got some real guest celebrities to post on his blog such as Johnny Depp and Ms. Betty aka normadesmond. We even created a new celebrity ? waxwing ? who is a real good writer and much loved by Rance and his friends?

Yours truly,

Angel Lora (Rance?s 7th grade pal and blog commentator)

PS: we promise to be good in the future and not let the toilet overflow again or take your Dodge Viper for a spin or use the White House?s email account. Rancey flew in your private chopper to an undisclosed location where he purchased a new Dodge Viper, which he plans to eventually award to someone.

PPS: Rancey still needs to complete his dominatrix and diva tales. I have been taking heart medicine in order to keep up with all this excitement. I don?t want to have one eye crying and one eye laughing again. As Lauren and others can attest to it all it does is give you an odd twitch. Just want both eyes laughing?

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 7:49 AM CDT

Do you need some help disciplining your randy boy? I could be very helpful in that department.

-Doe

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 8:55 AM CDT

FIRST, you're Owen Wilson. THEN, you're Howard Stern. NOW, you are a stuffed horse-head on a stick?? This is a definite downward trend! And to top it all off, you are not even cute! You look a little, ahhhh, let's say, WELL-RIDDEN.

Captain Hoofer, I demand you immediately return my:

1)pride;

2)long, rambling private posts fantasizing about rolling around in bed with Owen Wilson while covered in sensual oils;

3)revealing snatch-shots;

4)pride.

BTW, who knew a horse could write so well?

Cheers.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 10:28 AM CDT

Hi Rance;
Your blog was featured in my city's daily rag, so I checked it out and find it extremely interesting! Even if you are not a Hollywood-celeb, and are that hairy fat-guy in his parent's basement with an amazing imagination, your writing is compelling and your sense of humour rocks! I have a "blog" of my own at groups.msn.com/perrysnonsensicalramblings and use it to chime off on just about anything. I do a fair bit of USA bashing, but that's mostly political ranting, not personal. I'm not quite so subtle as yourself about retaining my anonimity though, as I have repeatedly made references to my city, job, friends, and even have a pic or two of myself posted, but I also do not have snoops in my trashcans.
I'm wondering if you are a Canadian though. When refering to that Viper you mention 140mph, but you've dropped into "kilometer" references as well (see April 14). Now that could be some European travel-related leavings, or it could be your roots showing. I know you'll never tell, though you've been asked if you are indeed a certain well-known hailing from the Newmarket area. If it is you, one of my former roommates went to the same highschool.
You had once asked for stories on brushes with celebrities. I'm not 100% on the legalities of posting the names, but here goes anyway. Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi were performing the Blues Brother's at a fund-raiser for my university. After the show, we retreated to our hotel room to party the night away. This rather posh hotel has a celeb area to ensure it's famous clientele will not be disturbed. We called Aykroyd and Belushi's room to invite them to our party (they were right under our room). Our party grew too noisy, so the hotel graciously moved us into a reception room in the basement. Later that evening Belushi arrived alone. He was carrying himself with the "I'm a celebrity, so fuck off!" aire. The party-goers quickly crowded around him. Now, my being rather drunk, I strolled over and, as plainly as asking the time, said "there's a question I've always wanted to ask you." He replied "it'd better be a fucking good question to wait this long!" I asked him what he thought about the movie WIRED. In this movie Michael Chiklis portrays Belushi's deceased drug-addicted brother, and not in a very pleasant light. Luckily Belushi (2+ inches, 50+ pounds bigger than myself) didn't punch me in the face, rather he did an about-face and started to leave the room. I followed him to the elevator and apologized for my insensitivity, he shook my hand, asked my name, and got into the elevator BUT not before snagging two very young ladies to take with him. How do I know these ladies were "very young"? I saw them earlier at our party and asked if one of them was in my law class. She was not, as she informed me that she and her friend were highschool students. They'd followed us after the show thinking (correctly) that we'd be in a position to be around the celebs. So, Belushi took two highschool girls to his room, and did whatever. What does your imagination tell you? On another note; the Blues Brother's band called our office (student government) and asked if we could supply them with some cocaine for the night. As far as I know...we obliged. As for Aykroyd, I've met him several times now, for various reason and he is just a wonderful person. Willing to accomodate his fans to the best of his ability. He was receiving an honorary doctorate and I screamed out "Hey Dan, what are hotdogs made of?" It's from his movie The Great Outdoors. Without skipping a beat, AND in the midst of a news interview, he laughs and yells back "What is it, lips and pig's dicks?!" Great guy, though incorrect, it was lips and assholes.
Lastly, here's my celeb question, and no...I'm not looking for juicy details, or a boobie-hound. Do you get flashed by young ladies attempting to get your attention? I've seen this happen, so does it happen to you? Thanks for all the great reading, hope to hear from you.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 11:25 AM CDT

I think it's just great (though not surprising) that there is a site dedeccated to defamation.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 11:28 AM CDT

WW, Carol is, as far as I know, clean. Please send me your site address too (and it won't be posted).

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 11:29 AM CDT

BGC, thanks for your help with my 'rents, and the covert ops.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 11:34 AM CDT

Thanks for the recon work, Agent P, though this is indeed terrible news--possibly bad enough to weight the give the Con List the clincher over the Pros in terms of staying in LA. Also, what is wrong with our friends at FB? Has their marketing department missed the nationwide obesity trend? Maybe too many years of eating their own product has clogged their thinking. What are they going to do next? Only have veggie burgers?

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 11:39 AM CDT

Lora, if the Vatican gets to decide who's a saint, why the hell can't I? I hereby nominate you.

Re: the diva, finished/I'll put it up today. re: the dominatrix, I haven't figured out a way to report any of the details that won't get me brought in for questioning, but I am still working on it.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 5:50 PM CDT

ah, waxwing, there was no stridency there. you were very well-spoken.

Thursday, 6 May 2004 - 6:54 PM CDT

Ok, so "he might write interesting stories", but he is still "full of crap". You are right, that we do enjoy coming here to read. What you can not see through, though, is who WE really are, and you still choose to address us as if you know. Who's the gullible one?

Next time, at least bring a cooler with some nice beverages. Cups, too. We need cups.

Friday, 7 May 2004 - 2:42 AM CDT

Thank you Rance. I am really flattered. If I am a saint, what can I nominate you with? You pick... I just give you a hint: What's better then a saint? Or if you chose to, you can also go in the other direction... in either case you're my muse...

Friday, 7 May 2004 - 12:30 PM CDT

its only because they're delayed for a few hours.

Friday, 7 May 2004 - 12:37 PM CDT

1. use spellcheck
2. no sh*t sherlock
3. you're so smart, you saw thru the parents post yet fail to see the wit of the respondents' posts.

Go away and leave Rance to us.

Friday, 7 May 2004 - 4:37 PM CDT

Rance honey,

I know you are having a hard time with all your homework and your parents getting on you about the whole college thing....so, i want to help you out, i have a plan...well, OK not really a plan, but more like one hell of a good time...we can go across state line and get hitched, so what do you say? we can blow the whole college thing off and just get fucked up, smoke till we can't smoke anymore, get drunk whenever we want, go swimming in whatever pool we want naked, with inflatables or not (i prefer real ones), run down any street we want with our boxers on, have however many strippers we want (just remember you have to share), and the list is endless....so you up for a hell of a adventure or what? Hey, we can use that mob money to make our own movies....hint, hint....

P.S. your welcome with the 'rents, and the covert ops...now let's do one alone....lol

Friday, 7 May 2004 - 6:57 PM CDT

Wow, now YOU'RE famous, as well as twitty. (Oops, forgot spell check, again.)

1. Use caps
2. How did 'thru' escape spellcheck?
3. I never fail to see real humor.

You forgot the cooler again, didn't you?

Saturday, 8 May 2004 - 10:43 AM CDT

Perry,

To be fair, every first world country uses kilometers when referring to distance. I live in the States now but still think in 'kilometers' instead of 'miles', or the safe stand-by: the (location) is about (time) minutes from here. The USA is still stuck on the old Imperial system - it usually isn't a problem unless it involves sending a probe to Mars.

Sunday, 9 May 2004 - 3:29 AM CDT

If you're son - I'll call him Rance - spent a fraction of the time on his school assignments, as he did entertaining 20 people via the internet, he wouldn't be going to community college either. Bad, bad parents.

My thought on the money is take it and go buy a hot car. It's obvious that it's only appearances and not scripts that matter. Look at TV these days. It's all "reality television". If only my life were as interesting as "reality" tv. I wouldn't be spending $50 a month on cable.

Better yet. Sue Michael Jackson for Rance being so messed up then have him write a script about it. I smell Oscar there.

Troubled young man finds solace on the internet, pretending to be a hollywood movie star. Discovered that his parents sold him to MJ for a night's stay at Neverland. Young man creates a blog to discuss his troubled life. Through online therapy via blog postings and his network of supporters he works out his inner demons, files charges and settles for millions, writes a script about his experiences and it stars the boy who played the Bubble Boy on Seinfeld.

And he lived happily everafter. Of course that happens after his stint in rehab, for gambling, drug, alcohol and sex addictions....which turns into yet another academy award. All before the age of 15.

Bravo, Rance, Bravo.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 5:43 PM CDT

http://www.cowparade.net/cow/detail/796

You all might want to check this out.... a cow named Captain Hoof was bought. The cow was one of those ceramic cows on parade in Texas... interesting... the sell date by the way was January of 2002. Maybe you should try to find out who bought this cow... By the way... Rance is definitely a lady, not a male.

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:14 PM CDT

First, U may be famous Rance - I refuse to posit a guess as to what major mag-cover person U are, but U sure as @#$! can write! Such a joy to read someone in the "know" here in H-town that's smart AND unpretentious. Bring on the literaryness!!! (As U can see, I myself less ability to write and am glorious in my inability!)

Second, PLEASE, no selling this blog to HBO, FX, a desperate broadcast net (we know which ones), McDonalds (yummy, Rance Happy Meals...), PS2 or a sister 7 studio. I can only imagine what "Rance: The Prequel" would be.

Third, thanx for the democracy on your site. The world needs more voices beyond too-far-leaning politicos, models with issues, gay pride parades, smarmy Sunday morn talkers and loud commute-time DJs. They need people like me. Ah, well, maybe not like ME...

The Fish

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 1:58 AM CDT

Preach on brother!!! dont let the man (and woman) getcha down. Stay. . . oh. . . i gotta go. my wife says i have been on too long.
Next Time

QC

Wednesday, 2 June 2004 - 11:44 PM CDT

dearest sir rance-a-lot,

what i am most curious about is this : are the methods that mooses of men like sally use to obtain the likes of $1 million really more ethical than those of a hollywood producer? i'm guessing the answer to that would be "yes," so let me follow-up. we all know that the hollywood producer is known to be uber-smarmy, cares not about the art whatsoever, and is, as a generalization, an overpaid, deceitful, malicious scumfuck who thinks he's God. but the mob money was most likely not obtained by selling cigarettes from the back of a truck out by the airport, ya know? perhaps people died, or bought lots of smack, or something. and don't get me wrong; i think the mob seems kinda cool on the surface (except their fashion sense. oy!), and it's a very "old hollywood"-type of conundrum.

what might these independent filmmakers be required to do in order to "return the favor" to these mob fellows? i'm sure large amounts of fast cash is tempting as hell, but yikes! no one enjoys a horse's head f-in' up your nice new pottery barn duvet, know what i'm sayin'?

yours,

mondo retro