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Rance wuz here...
Friday, 16 April 2004
Draft
State of the Blog Address
Say John Kerry loves kicking back in his den and smoking a nice, fat spleef? Think he'll let American know? It's widely suspected the current guy at 1400 Pennsylvania held the white stuff in high regard for years. Funny how he's never shared that. Like them, my current (real-life) occupation precludes me from voicing some opinions I'd like to. That's one of the reasons for this blog.

A second reason is that I'm a moron. In my real-life persona, I mean. Now, before 80 of you go posting that I'm one here too, I meant the term relatively, along the lines Barbra Streisand's pilloried. As in: "What the fuck does she know that she's got a right to stick her sofa-sized nose into politics?" As it happens, she knows plenty. She's more intelligent, better-educated, and better-informed on the issues than a good percentage of professional politicians. (I know, I know, education's not a prerequisite for political skill, as Harry Truman, who didn't do college, might attest, if he weren't dead. But it helps.) That having been said, I'd rather go swimming in Babs's septic tank than read one her rants. But I do want you to read mine. And, if you are right now, evidently, you are.

Why are you? Some of you are intrigued by the view of Hollywood. Some of you are curious whether that view is actually derived solely from broadcasts of "Access Hollywood" I see in my mom's basement in Toledo. And I'd like to think that at least a couple of you, regardless of whether this blog originates from a penthouse or a cellar, are here for the words themselves. This week brought a bunch of comments asking whether I'd be watching Bush's press-conference (to use the White House's term), and, subsequently, what I thought of it. I've had a few questions on the Middle East too. Solicitation of my opinion on either topic in my real-life mail (of which there's more than on this site): 0. On whether a certain actress is starting to show her age: 3. So, to those of you who actually may care what I have to say: Thanks. Stick around and we'll try and change the world, or at least a few square feet of Los Angeles County, and, failing that, we'll derive some amusement from the indisgressions of its residents. You both may now proceed to the Administrative Notes section below.

To those of you who decry this blog as "not all that genuine" (as one commenter charitably put it), what I have to offer can't mean anything to you, so what are you doing here, let alone decrying? Jeff Bridges has a blog that's indisputably genuine. There's photographic evidence. Plus he's got his drawings up, details of his upcoming films (all of which, as it happens, are wonderful), and lots of other nifty stuff. (http://www.jeffbridges.com).

To those of you who've dismissed this blog as "not all that genuine," but remain for sociological or mental disturbance study, I hope you'll come around, and, either way, the folks getting the thousands of free banner ad views per day out of the deal appreciate it.

Lastly, to those of you whose minds might be open if not for Spagogate--the unrelenting comments all but accusing me of being OJ's accomplice because of my poor reportage of the Tom/Penelope photo-op a couple years ago at Spago--check the restaurant's own site (www.seeing-stars.com/Dine2/SpagoBeverlyHills.shtml). They boast about having hosting the lovebirds that day. My crimes: I had the wrong Spago--it was the one in Beverly Hills, not on Sunset. And, as previously acknowledged, I didn't know the one on Sunset had closed a year earlier. How I could have missed such momentous news?! My leading theory: I was doing something other than watching "Access Hollywood" at the time, and, afterward, never gave the Spago on Sunset a passing thought (even when passing it), its self-proclaimed stature as "the place to go to see stars" or if you're Liberace notwithstanding. Liberace, incidentally, is a close, personal friend of mine, and never fails to parise my work. One additional thought on Spago, to any mothers reading this: if the boys your daughters bring home are unaware that Spago on Sunset has closed, be glad.


Administrative Notes:

Waxwing: please re-post your item about flashing four fingers. It was funny, and, sorry, the site's idiot systems person accidentally deleted it.

Wendy Jo, Mr. Sorrow, and The Novelist, all of whose comments are headed, "DO NOT POST" and, accordingly, aren't: the comments are great. I'm guessing, at least in the last two cases, the names are pseudonyms. If the contents don't compromise anything, why not let the posts go up?

Waxwing, by the way, is one of at least two posters who may be Johnny Depp in real life. One of them must be pretending. Despite having closely studied the comments of each, I have no clue. Anyway, who can ever know with claims made over the internet?

Have a nice weekend,

R


Posted by captainhoof at 11:02 AM CDT
Post Comment | View Comments (112) | Permalink

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 11:41 AM CDT

Name: Katri
Home Page: http://www.katrimanninen.net

Well,

I came here because I heard this was a blog of someone famous, altough no-one really can be sure whose. Very soon I realized that I better stop guessing whose blog this might be, otherwise there will come a day when I'm going to be disappointed in a way or another (yes, honey, I'm afraid that no matter you do, one day your true personality will be reveiled -- no matter if you are the hairy geek from the cellar or the superstar whose films we all adore :-).

So, I stick around to read well written good stories that make me laugh, think and maybe sometimes also feel the weltschmerz (no pain, no gain :-). I'm also a webaddict -- so I have to get my daily dosis of websurfing from somewhere, so why not (partly) from here? :-)

Oh, and the comments of the other readers are also part of the fun. Especially those where someone assumes you are a certain actor and then spill their love/heart out. I try to imagine how for instance George Clooney would feel if he would read love letters to Owen Wilson from his own blog. Must feel funny. :-D Or those comments when someone tries to "proof" you MUST be the hairy guy/assistant/whoever-not-famous-at-all. :-) I just love people, we are so funny! :-)

So, keep posting and we'll keep reading (and commenting). :-)

Love,
Katri-Kutri from Finland

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 11:45 AM CDT

Name: Mr. Fenis

Rance,
Please do not give those who listen to Babs any ammo in regards to her intelligence. Justification of the Holy Babs merely gives them more room to run.
And to all the non-believers roaming this blog:
It is painfully obvious that Rance is, undeniably, Fred Savage. Painfully.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 11:46 AM CDT

Name: Sue

OK- way off topic now... But I am a BLOG READER... I spend at least an hour a day jumping from blog to blog reading what other's have to say. So my question to you, Sir Rance, is what blog's do you read? Or do you? And if you do, why don't you link to them?
You let me know some of your favorites, and I'll show you some of mine : )

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:01 PM CDT

Name: Maria
Home Page: http://mariaplopes.tripod.com

Rance,

I just loved Jeff Bridges site........its nice that you can share great things with us. He looks like a very interresting and talent man.

Thanks
Maria

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:05 PM CDT

Name: J. Depp

Pourquoi est-ce que tu pense que Rance est vrai? Il est mirage, comme moi, comme toi - une blague. Argh. Je le connais bien! Argh. Une blague. Sacre bleu...

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:06 PM CDT

Name: Ryan

Rance-

I don't know why, but I added your page to my RSS feed and have been reading it religiously. My other RSS feeds are all news, fark.com, drudge report, etc etc. I don't know what brings me back, but I think I've put my finger on something that DOESN'T bring me back-

I don't know who you are, whether you're famous, or whether or not you are some assistant to an assistant in the SFV. More importantly, I've discovered that I just don't care. You have a certain mannerism that intrigues me, and makes me think about things in different ways- I like that.

Bottom line is, I think you're overdoing the whole I'm-a-celebrity-and-you'll-never-know-who-I-am bit and you should just stick to being you. (For the record, have you ever tried to type a dash between every word? INSANELY difficult and annoying...hope you appreciate it) Anyhow, be you, and don't make excuses. You have made it a point to say that this blog was where you could get away from your higher eschelon caste, and join the unwashed masses. Why do you insist on continually talking about people guessing who you are and such.

I say take the advice of another internet celebrity: Strong Bad (if you don't know, you should). People ask him all the time about why he wears boxing gloves, and how can he type with them on, and why is he so cool... You know his solution to the problem? He just ignores those comments and responds to the real, valid, thought-inspiring ones. (Can't believe I just called homestarrunner.com 'thought-inspiring')

Okay my rant is over.

-Ryan

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:14 PM CDT

Name: Jacob
Home Page: http://www.yankeefog.com

Hey, Rance--

I think what I like best about the whole blog thing is the way it gives me a window into lifestyles which I am unlikely to experience firsthand. That--plus good writing--is what gets me hooked on any particular blog. So I am now a fan of your blog, having just come across it via... well, actually, I'm not sure how I came across it--I've forgotten that in the hour or two I've spent reading through it.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a window into your world, whether that world be "famous celebrity guy" or "hairy basement guy." Some other blogs you might enjoy:

http://randomreality.blogware.com/ The world of a London ambulance driver--recently, a patient ejected some bodily fluids that went in his mouth. Then it turned out the patient had AIDS. Not something most of us have to deal with on the job.


http://dear_raed.blogspot.com/ You probably know about this; it's an Iraqi guy who's been blogging since before the war started.

Hasidic Rebel. A fascinating look into the life of a skeptical-minded Hasidic Jew. Sadly, it seems to have gone away. Check out the Google cache while it's still active: http://66.102.11.104/search?q=cache:97-98RUTGi0J:www.hasidicrebel.blogspot.com/+hasidic+rebel&hl=en&ie=UTF-8

Then there's my blog. Not quite so exotic as the ones above, but if you're curious, you can find it by clicking on the home page link above.

Best,
Jacob

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:16 PM CDT

Name: Mrs. Norman Maine
Home Page: http://www.epinions.com/user-mrsnormanmaine

I'm so glad to here that Liberace is an intimate acquaintance of yours, even though he joined the choir celestial over a decade ago. While I can't claim to have been closely associated, we did have a nodding acquaintance and worked on the same projects from time to time. I picked up some lovely bargains at the estate sale - a mink bedspread that brings a nice air of regal luxury to my second spare bedroom and a number of outfits that my seamstress was able to turn into fabulous frocks with hardly any alteration at all.

Be sure to watch for my new reality television show, 'American Idyl' and, if you're ever in a slow period, I would be more than happy to pass some projects your way.

Kisses,

MNM

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:17 PM CDT

Name: ginny
Home Page: http://www.blogula-rasa.com

Why? I suppose that I like my snippets of Hollywood insider infotainment with a big heapin' side o' snark. And nobody else is serving it up quite the way you are. It's all about the words - actually, it's about the teeny little green letters, which make up the words. It's not easy keeping up with the entries and all the comments because of the way Tripod does things, but as long as you're willing to put up with the bother, I'm willing to read.

Yours in moronic solidarity,

ginny

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:30 PM CDT

Name: Lid
Home Page: http://travelswithlizbeth.typepad.com/

I just want to say howdy to Johnny Depp if he is indeed reading Rance's blog and I want to thank Rance for the entertainment. This is way better than any Reality TV show. Keep it coming.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:31 PM CDT

Name: Krystal Rose
Home Page: http://www.urbanhonking.com/today

I love that this blog has turned into a rather extensive moral/sociological debate on why people read the blog in the first place. Anonymous is interesting and appealing. People love to not know. I read because you write well, consistently and with a sense of humor that I enjoy. I secretly hope you are in your mother's basement somewhere, laughing and drinking out of a two liter of Mt. Dew, wiping Cheeto remnants on your unmatched argyle socks. Fame is over-rated, anyhow.

Love,

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:40 PM CDT

Name: jerry

"What is truth?" I appreciate your position within the industry and the folks who depend on you to put food on their tables and the fact that the blog is a way to have it both ways, so to speak, but...come on now. Ah, hang the Calvanist tripe! Enjoy yourself and try to do good work. Let the Palistinians work thier own problems out.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:56 PM CDT

Name: shane
Home Page: http://www.nickerblog.com

Is it an experiment?
Is it a joke?
Is it a big "Fuck You?"
Is it entertainment for you with instant rewards?
Most importantly, is it going to last?

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 12:59 PM CDT

Name: tamara
Home Page: http://www.livejournal.com/users/ramala

funny how a blog can be judged as "not all that genuine". since when was it required that blogs need to show someone's real intelligence/shoe size/identity anyway? you choose what you want to put in there. until we have the ever truthful eye-of-god edit option on these blogs, we'll just have to make do with what we are presented with. i like your grouping of words. i'll bookmark you and not worry about a thing.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 1:08 PM CDT

Name: xinda
Home Page: http://chichesterblue.blogspot.com

Hi Rance,

Don't care to those with prick adoration of your celebrity status or what not. Just tell us more about your Hollywood insight.

Thanks,
X

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 1:41 PM CDT

Name: Nancy D.

And now....having closed the issue of Spagogate, you have started Liberacegate.

Personally, I don't much care who, precisely, you are. I can hope you are one person or another. I can think you might be yet a third person.

Heck, for all I know, you are all three. Theories like that occur when TBS or some like channel runs a movie with split personalities as the main characters and one gets sucked into watching the movie, despite having seen it several times before.

As for changing the world.... never underestimate the power of people coming together. Even if they don't know who they are with.

I am on a BB that has folks from around the world on it. There are hundreds of us. Some of get along like life long friends. Some of us just don't interact as it is just better that way. But we hear points of view and perspectives on world events from someplace besides our narrow little slice of the planet. Our minds have been opened, often against our will, to the "other".

That, my friend, is what will truly change the world. When each person discovers for him or herself, that the fearsome "they" that is often called "enemy" is actually.......a friend.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 1:43 PM CDT

Name: Intrigued Naked Empress

Rance,

It happened this morning and I nearly got out of the car and knocked on HIS window. HE was turning left when it was clearly a "No Left Turn" intersection. There were 15 people lined up behind HIM at Westwood Blvd. and little Santa Monica and I was laying on my car horn, but HE ignored me, the windows of his fancy car already rolled up as he made his way to the car wash on the corner. I seem to find these situations more than my friends. The worst was in early 2002 when I watched HER ushered from the door of the limo, passed more than 500 people waiting in line with their baggage. They skirted HER through security and onto the plane so SHE wouldn't have to be troubled standing in line with us rabble at LAX. In both cases they were famous people who thought the rules shouldn't have to apply to them. Are you one of THOSE?

Ine

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 2:02 PM CDT

Name: Katri
Home Page: http://www.katrimanninen.net

Well,

I came here because I heard this was a blog of someone famous, altough no-one really can be sure whose. Very soon I realized that I better stop guessing whose blog this might be, otherwise there will come a day when I'm going to be disappointed in a way or another (yes, honey, I'm afraid that no matter you do, one day your true personality will be reveiled -- no matter if you are the hairy geek from the cellar or the superstar whose films we all adore :-).

So, I stick around to read well written good stories that make me laugh, think and maybe sometimes also feel the weltschmerz (no pain, no gain :-). I'm also a webaddict -- so I have to get my daily dosis of websurfing from somewhere, so why not (partly) from here? :-)

Oh, and the comments of the other readers are also part of the fun. Especially those where someone assumes you are a certain actor and then spill their love/heart out. I try to imagine how for instance George Clooney would feel if he would read love letters to Owen Wilson from his own blog. Must feel funny. :-D Or those comments when someone tries to "proof" you MUST be the hairy guy/assistant/whoever-not-famous-at-all. :-) I just love people, we are so funny! :-)

So, keep posting and we'll keep reading (and commenting). :-)

Love,
Katri-Kutri from Finland

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 2:15 PM CDT

Name: Leatherwing

So Rance, say in your real life you're at some bar throwing back a cold one and Johnny Depp walks in orders what you're having and says "That Rance thing is really pretty cool, but I'd never open myself up that way." How do you answer?

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 2:26 PM CDT

Name: subtlevib

Rance what do you mean by "genuine"?
If you were being truly genuine you would surely have revealed your Identity in the first place.
There are degrees of being genuine (in my humble house-wife-ish-what-does-she-know-anyway opinion...) In several degrees of greyness, starting with the angelically genuine, re above, through to the genuine liar, who admits that he's a liar, in all honesty.
So when you say that you hope the sociology students come around , do you just hope they'll get their heads around the truth behind your lie (A-list Hollywood actor writing a blog for sheer fun),or the lie belying the truth (Mr. Boring parading as A-list Holloywood actor to see how long he can get away with it)? Or indeed, by being genuine, it doesn't matter who the hell you are, just that there's no ulterior motive.
I'm starting to confuse myself now. It's been a hellish day and I don't claim to be anything more than Mrs Boring. Full stop.
To be genuinely honest...I don't much care.
Keeping a healthy perspective, it's nice to escape the everyday mundane stuff, and today, the life-changing devastating stuff, and earwig on someone else's trivia.
The more drivel you can send our way, the less time I have to think about the shit that hit the fan this afternoon.
Keep it comin'

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 2:47 PM CDT

Name: DJ

You know, I've always found other people's political views interesting, maybe due in part to my former occupation, so I think if you want to tell everyone how you feel about politics go right ahead. I think people are always interested in celebrities views because either they don't what they think themselves or it's just funny to listen to certain blonde stars who shall remain nameless make things up as they go along. Either way, you have the right to voice your opinion here so I say go for it. Oh and don't worry about the Spago thing. Until about last month I had no clue what it was until one of my friends reminded me what my book is about.

One last thing, the people who gave me suggestions on writer's block the last time I posted, thanks it helped some...along with a slight kick in the butt from my publisher.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 2:58 PM CDT

Name: Grumpy

I'm not in the least bit curious what anyone in hollyweird thinks about politics, state of the union, jobless rate, etc.

When they push themselves to the forefront and want to have a say, it truly pisses me off.

They instantly have a mike and a soapbox. And for some idiotic reason - perhaps along the lines that audiences are stewpid enough to believe that JR really is JR and a meanie and deserved to be shot - people will give them credibility and listen to them.

When all is said and done, it's all just a matter of opinion. And who has access to a mike.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 3:05 PM CDT

Name: mrkazee
Home Page: http://www.leftofeliot.com

> "Why are you [reading this blog]?"

I must admit that I have often found myself asking the same question. On my first visit, I wandered over to see what the buzz was all about; by the third, I was spent on the irony of it all.

In college, I had the opportunity to see a film which quickly became one of my favorites. It was one of those films which perhaps wasn't great in and of itself, but had a great story of it's own. A story outside of the story, if you will; one of those few films which gave guys like me a real sense of possibility. When it came out for video rental (when rentals preceded sales), I rented it and (shh...) dubbed it. When it came up for sale, I purchased it. Truth be told, I'm not sure that I know exactly why I liked the film. It could have been the characters or the story, but it was more likely the tale outside of the tale. Some guys kind of like me, or nothing like me, had lived the dream, and now I was getting to participate in the realization thereof.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when, at a local and rather sparsely populated deli, I happened to run across one of the actors from said film. To wit, he was the least-known of the main characters, and I would be surprised if even many industry types knew his name. This fact, however, rather tenuously held him in the same field of regard, as far as I was concerned, as the other main characters who had gone on to larger (and more lucrative) projects. The fact that a rather ordinary person had lived the dream and was standing in front of me at the deli, discussing with an acquaintance the arrest of terrorists in Spain and ordering a sandwich, had me rather flushed with glee. I believe my wife would say that I giggled. In college I had worked with the student organization responsible for bringing music and comedy acts to our campus; if my experiences had taught me anything, it was a distaste for, as you might say, all things bread. Still, try as I might, I couldn't resist the urge to say hello. Here was someone like me, or perhaps nothing like me, sitting in the deli with me. Why should I not say hello?

At the end of the day, I suppose most people are worth meeting, and this person was no different. I'm sure that I will never know whether he shared the same experience as me; I didn't converse long and tried not intrude, but given the time and freedom I suppose I would enjoy hearing some of his stories of the ride - not that it is over. With any luck, he is hearing the clackity-clack-clack of his train being pulled up the next hill.

I suppose that what I'm getting at is a rather long-winded way of saying that despite controversy and sycophancy, I've stayed interested. Maybe you're someone I would recognize, or maybe you're someone I wouldn't know from adam; either way, you have some interesting stories.

tres

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 3:07 PM CDT

Name: Lauren

Dammit, Rance. I was hoping you were going to wax political. It's a tease, I tell you. A tease.

In any event, I think the ultimate irony (well, the quasi-ultimate) would be if "J.Depp" were the real deal. Will the really Johnny Depp please stand up, please stand up, please stand up.

My little pop culture contribution for the day. You can ask for my autograph at a later date.

Lauren.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 3:19 PM CDT

Name: Shelley Keats

In my version of the real world, I speak at conferences where people dress up as my characters. It's flattering, but scary. I always wonder "why?" But it's part of what I do. I write. I can't help it. It's a sickness. With the writing comes the need to promote. With the promotion comes... grown women and men playing dress up. Maybe they wonder why I write. I read for the diversion, a break, an off chance I may find inspiration in someone else's words. Flattering, but scary.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 3:30 PM CDT

Name: inhaler70
Home Page: http://inhaler70.blogspot.com/

I've been reading this blog for a week now and honestly, I can't believe how bitter some people are. Who cares if this is legitimate? Part of the allure is that you DON'T know who's doing the writing - the other part is that it's well written and interesting.

Thanks Rance, whoever you are.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 3:34 PM CDT

Name: Nissa

Why do I read your blog Rance? The answer will amaze you(ok no it won't but I had to say that LOL). It's simple really, I believe that you are an interesting individual who writes what's on his mind. You don't let all those scathing comments get to you, when they piss off a lot of your posters. I for one congratulate you on being the bigger person and not sinking to their level. Clearly, they didn't get enough love and attention as a child, that's why they're lashing out at you and everyone else who comes here to enjoy your blog.

I don't care who you really are(that's not entirely true, I do care but...), I say that because I think that your blog would lose it's intrigue, anonymity(or pseudonymity as you call it). Not sure I spelled that right, I'm sorry if I didn't, I'm sort of having a bad spelling day. It would steal away the mystery and it would take all the fun out of guessing :). You that's an interesting question, why do all your nay-sayers come here and comment? You would think that if they are so sure that you're "not all that genuine" why would they come here and keep telling you that? It's obvious that they are intrigued and they use their rancor(maybe that's too strong of a word, but it fits)as a cover for their interest in you and your blog.

That's my two cents for the day.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!

Later,
Nissa

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 3:38 PM CDT

Name: betty

Rance,

I liked this entry much more than the previous one. But, I want to take a moment to ask a question that I am sure is on the minds of some of your regulars - esp. some of the ones who were here before you became an A-list blogger: What are you going to do now that your blog has become like a fan club - specifically, now that it has become in some ways a microcosm of that which you claim to be blogging to escape?

I am prompted to ask this because I see that you have 110 responses to your last entry - an entry which, if I may say so, may not have merited such an overwhelming response, since it mainly concerned your shopping for toilet paper. I think it's safe to say that many recent excited responses are based on your "identity" as an alleged "celebrity" rather than what you have to say.

And that's fine. Hey, I admit that I came here to try to figure out who you were. I thought, oh, cool, a celebrity blog! What a novelty. Could it be true? I had my own ideas and hopes of who you might be, of course, as well.
But once I started reading here, I found I really liked your writing. I like your funny observations. I like your snarkiness. I even really like a lot of your commenters. So I have lately been thinking of you the way I think about the few other bloggers I read - sort of a kindred cyberperson with a particular angle I identify with who is fun to read and chat with anonymously. I think, judging from the comments, that you have a lot of other readers who also feel the same way.

So I have to admit that I am a little cranky about all the recent "fans" who have come to the blog. Nothing against them personally - the comments posted are pretty interesting (when I can read them all). However...I fear that the influx of people, whether by some of their slightly more pandering comments or just their sheer volume, may have the effect of turning this very blog into the kind of "celebrity" environment and culture that you begain this blog to criticize.

Aside from being ironic, that would really just suck, because what I love here is your snarkiness and irreverance towards Hollywood. I'd hate for you to go "mainstream." (even in the most literal sense.) But I think it's obvious that the more you get linked, and the more visitors you get, the more of a "celebrity" you will be.

Do you have any thoughts on this mini-celebritizing of your blog and how it may affect what you write??

I, for one, hope you don't let the volume of people coming here get you all caught up into a little cyber version of the real life celebrity you spear so nicely. Please: Continue blogging from the heart. Be snarky. Don't over-censor out of fear of exposure. And most of all, don't let people's sudden interest in your political views and flavor of ice cream change this blog and what you have to say.

With all your new hits and commenters, it's kind of like you are transitioning from being a cool indie actor to a big budget leading man at Paramount. Which, I suppose, I will have to accept (even though I am more of an indie girl.) In any case, I will continue to read, but thank you for letting me just take advantage of this particular moment in your rise to blogging fame to say that I certainly hope the Rance we have come to know and love will continue to Rant in the style to which we have become accustomed.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 5:33 PM CDT

Name: Susanna

Hey Betty

I am glad you said it...sigh...in the early days there was time to read all the comments, now its similar to fighting your way through the lunch-time crowds in your local shopping centre.

There seems to be less of the regular commentees on here the last week or so and much more of the general excited 'oh my God' responses.

Still I would really, seriously like to know who Mrs Norman Maine is & would anyone care to enlighten me?

Okay I rented the Royal Tenenbaums (?) the other day to kill a couple of hours or so. What on earth was that about?

You too have a great weekend Rance.

Susanna

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 5:47 PM CDT

Name: Robyn
Home Page: http://www.virtualsuckoff.kom

re: "When all is said and done, it's all just a matter of opinion. And who has access to a mike."

So yeah, I hate it, it sucks ass, it's stewpid, et al.
But that's reality so we may as well acknowledge it and make decisions accordingly. We don't just vote for politicians now, we vote for celebs too, and either they s.t.f.u. or they become spokespeople for something or another. But even if they remain mum, we still buy their act and make them big shots with tons o' money and power (relatively) with which they can do what they want and away from public view... like any stealthy, healthy, wealthy person would.
So, I do care what they think if they are shoveling around propaganda. They are the airwaves and most people listen, and I think we can either hate it and reject it and ignore the blastards, or we can do what we can (which is very little, and may only mean complaining to your mom and your fellow blog-ees).
I opt for complaining because it inspires optimists to shower me with the flowers of life while it prompts the cynics to attempt to verbally trump my expressions of disdain.
By the way... there is this guy who stands on the corner or Decatur and Canal in downtown New Orleans... he is a portly black dude who may be retarded, and always sports a rainbow colored umbrella hat, even on the most sultry summer days. Anyone seen him? He carries a bullhorn and talks at people all day. He says whatever he wants, but I guess he always wants to say something about The Lord. That's about all I gathered. I stopped listening as soon as I heard the expected "Praise Jesus" or whatever. I wonder if he has ever converted anybody? He'd probably have better odds doing his thang at the cemetery instead of 3 blocks off of Bourbon Street.

RobYn

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 5:57 PM CDT

Name: toodleoo

considering he's trying to be private, he'd say "what Rance thing?" ;)

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 5:59 PM CDT

Name: Bard
Home Page: http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm

Your comment about being "pilloried" for expressing your opinion on some political or social issue urged me to offer a comment today. By describing yourself as "moronic," I am assuming the public comment you made was not something akin to Jessica Simpson's puzzlement over a tuna can label, but more something in the lines of "I disagree with the President's decision to wage war on Iraq." (Or, putting my political bias aside, "I believe the constitution guarantees the rights of every US resident to own a gun.")

Since when did achieving popular acclaim for one's work mean that the individual must forego expressing a personal opinion or face vilification? I don't understand the recent public backlash launched by against actors, musicians, novelists, who exercise their free speech rights to voice what are, to some, unpopular opinions.

As to why I read your blog: I simply enjoy what you have to say. Even where your stories do not derive from your personal experience (such as the tale of the lecherous ad men), your narratives are insightful, as well as witty and well-written.

As an apprentice bard, I had grand dreams about changing the world. Instead, I have found a certain contentment overturning some rocks and exterminating the vermin that lay beneath. As for the ones I could not kill...forcing them into the sunlight and watching them wriggle brought its own form of satisfaction, and often amusement.

Keep turning over those rocks, Rance.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 6:19 PM CDT

Name: zipit

Betty, Amen. Give us all a double shot of that.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 6:35 PM CDT

Name: Lady Nee

Don't Bother With Printing * Save the Space (then the whales)

Hello Rance:
I would like to share. I didn't encounter it firsthand, but heard about it from a reliable, hard-working employee (yes, Virginia, there is such a person, and he's not well paid).

Not that many Lite Beer years ago, a celebrity male delurked at an anonymous gossip site on a whim and for a lark. In veiled fashion, he revealed an interesting though what would have been embarrassing scenario involving him and another celebrity male.

A few days after posting his tattle tale, he read a few follow-up messages that either ridiculed his meticulous post or ignored it. When he responded to his deriders, they lashed back that if he really had experienced what he said he and another had together, then he (the famous actor) would have never bothered to have (1) anonymously posted it on a gossip site and (2) responded to posts ridiculing his story and calling him a liar.

Suddenly another post appeared correcting a few details. This poster claimed that he definitely knew the truth. A tit for tat battle royale ensued over the course of several days, with each one-upping the other.

Of course it ended with one of the actors calling his actor friend on the phone and congratulating him on his writing skills. The original poster lamented that his great battle of wits hadn't been with someone other than the very person who he had written about.

For him, at least, the world grew a lot smaller that day. For me, the world grew a lot funnier when the employee told me that the tale the actors had battled over was one that they hadn't experienced at all; it was a scenario that they had made up. A lie, posing as the truth, corrected by lies.

I've read Betty's eloquent post. Agree I shouldn't be among the ones who are blogging too much in the company of those who have already been at the supper table. My apologies. I shall disappear now. Nothing like crashing a party, for that is indeed not the kind of individual I am. I'm a rarity: a polite, decent poster.

Besides, there is always urine that needs to be sipped.

We'll meet again, don't know where, can't say when. Good night, Mr. Calabash, whoever you are . . . .

Lady Nee

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 6:42 PM CDT

Name: Phnee

Rance,

Stop writing such intriguing words. I have finals coming up and a whole dissertation to do and I spend all my time reading your goddamn blog.

Whoever said uni was the best years of their life obviously didn't live through exams... or they did but didn't care... or they were just too smart for their own good.

You've been mentioned on my friendster site! Woohoo, free PR.

:)

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 6:43 PM CDT

Name: waxwing

?Waxwing, by the way, is one of at least two posters who may be Johnny Depp in real life.?

Oh Rance, you know there is no such thing as ?real life?.

The ?four-fingered flash? you cite is the famous one-fingered salute, but in reverse: instead of the middle finger jabbed upwards and four fingers folded to convey the message ?fuck you!?, I prefer, especially when the recipient is male, to keep that finger nicely perched and the other four up. Clearly this should then be defined as ?don?t fuck you!? Hopefully one gets to explain it because that is double-plus fun.

Now why do I read your blog? For the words, oh yes indeed. Words like "spleef". The thoughts put into the words and the sometimes errors that methinks may be little cheesy mousetraps for the unwary: Like 1400 instead of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave? I celebrate the community of readers and posters and IMposters who have sprouted around it and their contributions that have made this blog a kaleidoscope of thoughts, tales, and opinions. And the mystery, although I personally believe you are angry with Earth and NASA for sending those craft to disturb your planet while they dig about stealing soil and rocks, and will spring a revenge when the time is right. Perhaps in the form of a controversial presidential election, or has that been done already? Mostly because it is fun, a great deal of fun. Thank you, Rance.

~waxwing

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 6:49 PM CDT

Name: CAdreamin24

You realize, of course, that by possibly outing JD, even tongue-in-cheek, you have invited those followers to lurk and gawk....not to mention, attracting the Liberace legions! Are you prepared?

And as far as determining what is real, what is not, what is true or untrue, ::shrug:: I'd rather just sit back and enjoy the ride for however long it lasts. (Picture sunshine, convertible top down, wind through your hair and no real destination in mind.....ahhh!)

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 8:01 PM CDT

Name: CAdreamin24

Bard, I had to address your comment about "popular acclaim" forcing the individual to forego expressing a personal opinion. I have struggled w/ expressing my own feelings about this. Basically, I feel that if a celebrity chooses to use his popularity to express his political views, (thus garnering him a much wider audience then normal John Q. Public would have) then he must accept the possibility that, regardless of what previous honors he has won, not everybody is going to agree w/ him. If fact, some people are going to be insensed that the celebrity who's work they may have admired, is not a person whom they would admired in Real Life. They may be so angry, they will no longer support that celebrity's work.

And you know what?

They have every right to express their opinion w/ those actions. Am I saying that the celebrity should be vilified just because they expressed an opinion? No, of course not. However, I personally, might find it somewhat hypocritical to go see a movie that starred an actor who's political views I didn't agree w/....or buy a CD of an artist/group who expressed an opinion that I couldn't get behind. Just ask Jane Fonda how that works.

I just really feel that if someone uses their public visability to express an opinion (which is their right), then since I don't have the same visability, I have the right to express *my* opinion by not supporting their career endeavors.

It's all about responsibility and accepting the consequences. :-) If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
(incidentally, bard, I lurk on another mb where you post and have alway enjoyed reading you :-)

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 8:06 PM CDT

Name: Emerald Sky

Salut, J. Depp! Quelques personnes que vous connaissez juste sont vraies. Etes-vous en France en ce moment? Quel temps fait-il? Il est bon de vous lire!

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 9:28 PM CDT

Name: a different betty

ooh! I don't know why, but this comment triggered a new theory about who R lovely host is, and I like it! Thanks!

Me, I think I'm just here to watch what feels like an event. The writing is not bad, but it's not so good that I'd read it just for itself, and the content - well, what I've read of it is uncompelling. L.A. gossip, possibly false, and meta-blogging.

Also, I love to imagine Rance's words coming out of different celebs I love. I don't think I love anyone whose public persona is moronic or whose career would be at risk if le blague were discovered though. Still fun to imagine. ;)

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 9:31 PM CDT

Name: a different betty

ooh, that's totally my 'hood, and possibly the worst place in the world to make a left turn. So who was it, who was it?!

[note to self: ride the blue wave more often!]

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 9:44 PM CDT

Name: Scott

Like some others who've posted said - I honestly don't care who you are. Would I LIKE to know? Sure. Would it make any difference if I did? Nope. The things you write are interesting enough to keep me coming back regardless of your RL identity, and that's all that really matters. I visit the blogs of some people who are most assuredly NOT famous, for exactly the same reason - they keep me entertained and (in some cases) write thought provoking things, and both are worth coming back for.

Now, all that out of the way, let me say that I've got a REALLY interesting business proposition for you that I just KNOW you'll want to invest LOTS OF MONEY in...

;-)

Scott

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 9:58 PM CDT

Name: Tiff
Home Page: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=neuroticfitchmom

I find it entertaining to read the comments. I'd say 90% are doing major ass kissing in hopes of becoming Fab pals with possible celeb. Your blogs are amusing though which also helps. Who knows who you are and who cares? I could put up a blog claiming to be the Virgin Mary with a message for the world and a few fools would believe it. :) But that's the fun of it all...

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 9:58 PM CDT

Name: Dylan Gray

I didn't want to post.

I was perfectly happy lurking.

But I just had to raise my head at the Fred Savage comment.

Genius. Keep it up.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 10:05 PM CDT

Name: compassion
Home Page: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=compassion

With so much repetition, I'm afraid that you'll be quick to dismiss my comment before fully reading it as it starts out so much like the others. Whether you are someone famous, someone somewhere in a basement or someone famous for being someone somewhere in a basement, is not of consequence. Regardless of your writing style and sometimes even the content, what drew me to read your blog and has kept me coming back is the fact that you are reaching out. Curiosity about your motivations, a search to understand you and the hopes of seeing you find what you are seeking, all make your blog almost impossible not to read.
Infinite Blessings
P.S. Just in case you were wondering, I have other blogs I read with the same enthusiasm and for similar reasons. The only difference is that with those blogs, I have a chance in email to really get to know the person behind the words.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 11:04 PM CDT

Name: Jodi

Whooooaaaa ! I think someone needs to 'back off' and respect others. I am really tired of people 'dissing' anything that is religious, not understanding that everyone is spiritual and in that respect needs some form of religion and especially 'dissing' someone that may be handicapped but that person can still respect and love a higher being and other human beings. It don't matter if he has ever 'converted' anyone. Paul had a long,long haul of converting people, but it only takes one, just one ! One person to see and understand the love that can come from believing in a higher power, higher energy, GOD !

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 11:36 PM CDT

Name: jen

to be honest the comments are a huge part of what keeps my interest. You kind of keep saying the same thing over and over, in ever more eloquent ways bien sur, but the responses are as unique as snowflakes (the patterns of which to be sure have been proven to be limited) and layered intriguingly if transparently. Except for the posterior smooches, natch, which are the sand in the oyster. People are fascinating.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 11:39 PM CDT

Name: c0ncret3

I think most people are here for the same reason that Salam Pax got popular. A little mystery paired with insights into a land that the most of us will probably never visit, but that still has an impact on our daily lives.
But in the case of this whole celbrity thing we choose for ourselves how much impact it will have on our live, I guess even Al Sadr is a bit sad that things didn't work out between Tom and Penelope.

I don't mind celebrities who talk about politics, it sure as hell beats talking about toilet paper.
But since this here could very well be some anthropological research into the live of a common Hollywood celebrity I am more interessted why you can't/don't voice your political opinions in public. Because the studios don't like it? Your agent gets a heart attack? Your teenager audience would no longer put your posters on the wall when you talk about WHO problems instead off Paris Hilton? There is simply nobody asking the right questions?

I have been here for nearly three days and I STILL don't know who you are. Whatever happend to instant gratification on the internet? There has to be a way to download easy answers with 768kb/s like it works with mp3's. :)

On a funny sidenote, i've never heard of this Spago place before in my live, but today I reread a book by Jonathan Carrol on the train and noticed that he mentioned the restaurant in a half sentence (although I guess that means I will never date again).
C.

Friday, 16 April 2004 - 11:54 PM CDT

Name: Queen Sugar
Home Page: http://www.livejournal.com/users/queensugar

For those who critique this blog's "genuineness," I would humbly remind them that on the Internet, without the benefit of the subtleties of communication that come from visual connection, nothing is more or less genuine than anything else... it is only the conscious or subconscious predispositions, preconceptions, and prejudices of the person reading it that make it appear genuine or not.

Me, I just like sharp and well-voiced tales. That's the only genuineness I believe matters... you can't fake a sharp intellect.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 1:25 AM CDT

Name: Curious Girl

Lady Nee,

That story was hilarious. Don't go away... you neither Rance.

Here's a hypothetical scenario I was thinking about, and LN's post brought it to mind:

Your blog is now generating lots of traffic. How would you feel if a well-known celeb decided to grab some publicity by "coming out" as you in the media and taking credit for your blog. Would you be amused? Or would it bother you that someone else was taking credit for your words? Would you try to refute it on your blog?

Anyway, I hope you don't stop blogging. I'm usually dead broke and am in desperate need of free entertainment.

Have a nice weekend.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 1:33 AM CDT

Name: Lora

Hi Betty,

well said. I agree with you. I think different comments and opinions can add spice to the subject matter under discussion, but when I have to read 10x "are you or are you not so and so" then I feel that this is all we are discussing. I also agree that the more visitors come to this site the harder it will be for Rance to avoid being the celebrity. However, (and that's just my opinion) if Rance would have not declared from the beginning that he was a celebrity outside this blog (all depending if it's true or not) it would be hard to keep a blog or write about anything since this seems to be something close to his heart and something he has to deal with on a daily basis. If Rance is a celebrity in real life I think it would be hard to separate himself from this phenomenon even as an anonymous or pseudonymous blogger. So my guess is that Rance is attempting to do his best to accommodate everything and everyone. Furthermore, we must also keep in mind that Rance cannot always write in the same mannerism or style because there will be good days and bad days for him just like for anyone of us. He's got a life outside of this blog, too. But like Betty said we can only hope that he will stay focused and continue ranting as he originally intended because that and his choice of words is what makes this blog so fun to read (at least for me).

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 1:37 AM CDT

Name: J. Depp

Well, crap. If I'm not me, then who am I?
My head hurts. My shoes smell.
I'm gonna go buy some new ones.
Fester amongst yourselves.
Argh.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 2:23 AM CDT

Name: Maria
Home Page: http://mariaplopes.tripod.com

Oui,comme tous nous.....

bonne vie
Maria

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 2:24 AM CDT

Name: BABYGIRL

First off I would just like to say sorry to Rance and the other readers but this needs to be said.

To whom it may concern, and you know who the fuck you are so don't try to play games with us(BABYGIRL & TBRB)....if you would like to recommend a site for us to see then e-mail us rather than subscribing us yourself....

TBRB didn't put her addy up here for that purpose and would appreciate you not using it for that...and don't be using my name (babygirl)for your own shity ass pleasure. It takes a sick fucker to do that ...OMG so I guess that would be you.

BTW, we are both perfectly capable of finding our own pornsites if we desire to. Your services are not needed in this area. I mean come on, gay porn?? Really, at least you could have sent us something that we could enjoy.

If you weren't such a jackass you might have realized this, but you are so I have to spell it out for you. Most websites block against spam such as your by requiring the addy to confirm the subscription. Since TBRB didn't do that, you wasted your time. Also, there is this nifty little thing called an IP trace to find out who subscribed the email address, and guess what......we know where it came from and it wasn't one of us. If this harassment continues it will be posted for all to view and let's see how much mail you get. If you don't think we are capable of doing this.... just keep fucking with us and you will find out just what we can do!!!!!

Did you really think we were a couple of stupid ass broads who wouldn't figure it out? Like I am going to subscribe to shit and use tbrb's addy without her knowledge? Yeah right, fucking idiot!

BABYGIRL
with some input from TBRB

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 3:43 AM CDT

Name: nadia

I'd have to agree with Betty's earlier post, I'd just like to back it up. I've been reading this blog for a while now, and I keep coming back because I think what you write is interesting. What you say and how you say it just strikes a chord with me. I'd say you're a great writer, Rance. I admire your style. Just thought I'd let you know.
Have a good weekend yourself!

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 5:48 AM CDT

Name: apurrfectplace

Hi Rance. I heard about you from Gawker.com Your blog is interesting to say the least (thanks Jacob for giving us some interesting blogs to peruse... Rance, I'd love if you'd post your favorites too).

I worked in the entertainment business for 10 years and left because, well, it's totally a man's world and the enabling and the bad behavior got to me more than the paycheck. I find your comments very insightful, having seen many of the things you write so eloquently about. You are clearly very literate.

One of the things I abhor about the industry in general (whether it be music or film or fashion) is how many people are willing to suspend their normal behaviors. The men (and I use that term loosely) play like boys in a sandbox. I left the music industry to take a job in corporate america. While corporate america has its own faults, the interaction between individuals and groups is far more mature.

I remember watching certain artists, totally high out of their brains, being taken care of instead of throw in to rehab. People working backstage (except me) were doing as much blow as the artist. The amount of enabling astounded me. No paycheck could overcome my distate at having to witness some of the things I have witnessed.

I see how the "machine" of publicity works. How can you buy into that cycle? More importantly, how can you justify working with people who have no clue how to interact like a normal human being? I watched an episode of Jon Favreau's "Dinner for Five". This episode featured Ben Affleck and Kevin Smith. I like his films but after seeing this I wanted to vomit.

Through the entire dinner, he acted like an adult child, pointing fingers, smoking, drinking copious amounts of something I bet not soda, swearing his head off, basically acting like, well, a child in a sandbox. You could see the insecurity projecting. It totally reminded me of being back in that world.

And I had to ask myself, how could I have deal with that for so many years? Well, your blog is a good start to helping figure out why I left that world.

Thanks for the honesty.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 7:36 AM CDT

Name: JD
Home Page: http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/garden_st

senor hoofiez - you've now crossed the line into "totally meta"

people talking about the people talking about the people.

bubble's 'bout to burst, honey.

go and see my film instead. s'got the sexiest trailer you'll ever ever see.
http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/garden_state/

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 7:51 AM CDT

Name: cheryl

Well, if this is true about John Kerry, and he is kicking back with a bong and a bucket fried chicken as we speak, I might actually make it out to the election booth this year. Millions of scientists, yogis, Native Americans, Hindis, Vietnam vets, and myself believe that if more people toked, this world would be a better place. Of this I am truly convinced. Now, if only someone could get Bush to take a hit, God that would be great...

And, to the real Johnny Depp, congratulations on fatherhood, it seems to suit you quite well. Incidentally, a few of the ladies here are wondering if you have a website where they might forward a some photos. What are your feelings on "snatch shots"? Rance has been really uppity about that sort of thing lately.

Anyways, on a more serious note, I see what you're saying about the backlash celebs receive for voicing a political opinion. It's concerning. It appears that this country has forgotten what it truly means to be American. There was a time when people understood that it is necessary to voice opinions in order to maintain our system of checks and balances, to keep The Man under control. Whether we agreed or disagreed with the actual opinion was secondary. The issue is simply respecting the right to exercise free speech, and that doesn't exist anymore. Now, if people picket, or speak out against injustice in the workplace or at school, they are seen as deviant. They must be loose cannons, egomaniacal, vindicitive, or a lunatics. You know, despite the fact that I think that The Passion was one of the biggest pieces of crap ever made, I respect Mel for exercising his freedom of religion and speech. Not many people would be willing to take a beating for their beliefs, but apparently he likes that kind of thing. And a celeb would almost have to be a masochist in order to voice an actual opinion. That's scary. Don't get me wrong, I don't appreciate it when celebs seize opportunities at inappropriate moments to preach to a captive audience. That's just weird. But to show that you have opinions which you care deeply about, and you would like to share, is a very good thing. Hats off to those who have the balls to do it.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 10:42 AM CDT

Name: Smantha

Why not just tell your stories, dishy or not, and not worry about people finding out who you are?
Hundreds of people show up to most events, and even if someone did figure it out you could always deny it.
I just want to hear the really good stuff. :)


Sam

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 12:16 PM CDT

Name: Riding on the Range

I started reading, like many here, upon hearing that this blog was written by an unnamed celebrity. I've stayed, with no guarantee of whether that's true, because the stories are amusing and insightful. If the author is not a Famous Person or a Connected Person, they deserve much respect for the creativity of their fabrications and the success of their ruse. Right on.

Questions for Rance:

What percentage of people that you meet (inside or outside the industry) do you feel like you could really talk with?

What are the most influential books you've read?

Imagining fame were attainable by anyone, whom would you not recommend it to?

Do you find idealism to be a gift or a stumbling block in the film industry?

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 1:18 PM CDT

Name: omgess

C'est parce que regardez l'alternatif!

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 1:44 PM CDT

Name: Intrigued Naked Empress

What happens to celebrities like Tim Robbins and Jeanene Garafalo when they express their well-informed opinions? They spoke out. They did it at the risk of scorn, and, more importantly, the potential loss of work. What happened to them? How were they received? These aren't stupid people who drift from day to day on the compliments of personal assistants and publicists. Fame gave them access to the microphone, and they used it intelligently. The viceral reaction from the talk radio listeners on the right end of the dial was unfortunate, but they too were exercising their democratic rights to free speech.

This is a democracy. We not only have a right to speak, but we have a duty to participate. Those who enjoy the power of celebrity also have the added duty to be responsible in the use of that power. I don't care if celebrities use their fame to comment on what's happening to the world. In some cases they're saying what needs to be said. I just want them to be thoughtful, to educate themselves before they speak and to add something to the debate.

People need to realize, too, the stress that comes with fame. Because these people are up there in the lights, they get held to a higher standard. If they get arrested for whatever, it's on the evening news worldwide. There are few secrets in their circle, and what a circle that is. Consider that celebrities frequently have to deal with "non-profits" pulling at their coat sleeves in the hopes of persuading them to stand up for "the cause," fighting everything from fur, to famine. When you've got some animal rights group shoving photos of skinned cats under your nose asking "do you care," it has to be difficult to turn away and say "no." Isn't it easy to understand why some of them end up getting pulled up on stage for benefits and political rallies in which they might not otherwise choose to participate?

As for those who think celebrities don't have a right to publicly express their opinions, you need to wake up and pay attention. What has Spike Lee been doing in his movies? What has Eminem been doing in most of his recent releases? These are just two contemporary examples. Artists have long used their art to make political comments about injustices, societal problems, etc...

We need more voices, not less. We need ideas to be explored, not shunned. It's difficult to speak up, which is why so few people do it.

Ok, I'm stepping down off the soapbox now.

Hi Rance...

Ine

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 1:50 PM CDT

Name: Shelley Keats

In response to Betty, I have to wonder what is Rance here for if not to ponder how many people show up because of R's supposed celebrity versus how many people will go to the blog of a regular shlub with no celebrity claims? I'm intrigued. I have no idea if Rance is a regular shlub, perhaps a hairy basement dwelling shlub, or a celeb of A, B, C, or D list ranking, and it doesn't matter much to me. He's a man with opinions, and I do agree that hearing those opinions would be swell. So far, I have to say, it has all been one big tease. He says he is here to express opinions he can't express in his regular life but does he say who he is voting for or what he thinks of the war? No. I think he prefers the Hollywood softballs. Also intriguing. Stuff I can't find on the news. What is this Access Hollywood anyway?

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 1:59 PM CDT

Name: omgess

Ran(sum),
To be absolutely honest (uh-huh), I came here to see if you have what it takes to create such a
stir; to see if I can figure out if you are worth the admission abuse (slow machine); to see if I
can decipher half of what some of these people are yippin about; to kill time (not Bill); to
challenge my literary prowess. LOL
Yeah, whatever...
Seriously, it began like a tiny benign mole, then it festered, and turned into some overwhelming
need to find out who the HELL you are! (yeah, its me, the dead cat)I'm sure I am not alone ...
us bandwagoners like to say that we just found out about it and really are truly interested in
what the flip you are saying (I have to admit... I dont want to, but, it is a fact-you have proven
somewhat entertaining) but we are masquerading to appear like we fit in with the true 'bloggers'.
Damn I wish I had more to do today...but no, I'm here again! Still only with a mild intuition as
to who you are. (steal pen caps?)



Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 2:13 PM CDT

Name: Joe Mama

You're an idiot and a fraud. Get a real life. I know Owen Wilson and you're not even close.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 3:46 PM CDT

Name: i am trouble
Home Page: http://www.alonelybeautifulgirl.com

~~Like Katri, I found the link to your blog while lurking on a gay gossip board (datalounge.com). There were several guesses as to who you may be, and it is fun to speculate, but really, who cares? Celebs are just as needy and neurotic as the rest of us. Even if you announced your identity tomorrow, the commments would be full of people who would accuse you of lying.

Your posts make me laugh and your comment regarding a certain actress' figure had my vodka tonic coming out of my nose. LOVE the snarky comments! Please do not let the bitter trolls dance on your nerves.~~

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 3:53 PM CDT

Name: WendyJo

O.K., a silly post, then a serious one. Please excuse my bad grammar...

I would like to know a typical day in the life of Rance, if at all possible.

scenario #1---

The birds are singing outside as sunlight peeks through the bedroom curtains. An alarm clock gently rings; Rance rolls over, peacefully resting in his bed laden with crisp white cotton sheets and a luxurious thick white down comforter. The French maid, Babette, glides into the room, assists you with your bathing routine and dresses you in your designer active wear.

You walk down your curved, carpeted stairway to your breakfast nook and are served a fine breakfast of Eggs Benedict and bracing hot Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee by your chef-in-waiting, Natalia.

Off to your in-home gymnasium, a 9 o'clock appointment with your amply endowed personal trainer, Candii. A refreshing workout, time in the steam room, and a massage with release.

A 10:30 meeting in your home office with your personal assistant, Barbii. Time to plan your day. Schedule a production meeting here. A mani/pedi there. A private call with Steven Speiberg here. And, of course, what to do this evening? A gallery opening, a private party (networking opportunity!!), a film premiere? When Barbii leaves the room, you quickly flick on your computer , efficiently speed-read through your comments, and post an entry.

After the scheduling is complete, you retire back to your breakfast nook and enjoy a light lunch of grilled wild Alaskan Salmon served over a bed of organic baby greens, drizzled with a viniagrette dressing. (Gotta watch those carbs!)

Scenario #2---

The alarm on your bookshelf clatters noisily at 9 AM. You tumble out of bed, still half drunk from that bender the night before. Your face is grizzled with 3 days worth of growth, fleckled with gray. You shove your morning cigarette between your lips, light it, and toss on your rather pungent bath robe over your Fruit-of-the-Loom t-shirt/boxer short combo. Your pores reek of out-of-work-actor desperation and Coty musk for men.

You shuffle in your slippers to your condo kitchenette, and pour yourself some cold, day-old coffee from the Mr.Coffee brewer. You heat it in the microwave for a minute, and pour in a good jolt of whiskey. You sit at your dinette table, smoking and sipping your coffee, and plan out your day. But you know that, more than likely, in 15 minutes time you will shuffle back to your dark bedroom and sit in front of your flickering computer screen, reading these damn comments.

A couple of hours pass. There is a soft rattle and swooshing sound from your front door down the hall. Padding footsteps come towards your bedroom door. It is the housemaid, Guadalupe, arriving to check in on you. You grunt to acknowledge her presence, never removing your attention from the computer screen. She turns away from the bedroom door making a slight clucking sound under her breath. She goes to the kitchen, opens the window to dispel musty odors, and begins to scrub away at the dried sticky/sweet coffee splatters on the cracked kitchen counter.

Which one is it, Rance?

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 4:49 PM CDT

Name: PO
Home Page: http://blogs.salon.com/0003745/

Who cares who you are? If you're reallly in your mom's basement in Toledo, you're a good writer, and I hope you get a book deal. If you're a "sleb", more power to you. Your view from the inside rings true to me, and as a former development executive, I say, keep up the Cowell on those in that "profession". I have long and dull (for most people, anyway) theories about why most of them suck, which basically boil down to this--the people who become D girls or boys because they think the business is glamorous (ha!) only care about going to parties and knowing people like you. They tend to thrive, but don't have creative skills. The ones who are actually passionate about films generally suck at the social, fake friendship, go-to-the-right parties stuff, and thus usually don't get to a position to be taken seriously. And, if, like I did, you ever get to a position where you have some influence, you can get sick of that, too--or just decide that other pursuits can be just as rewarding...(hell, baking cookies with my son is often more rewarding, hence my new life...) but if you're the executive, you have to realize that (no!) it's not all about you at all--it's about the filmmakers and other artists--you're the book editor, not the novelist--but egos are huge and let's face it, everybody wants to be the star.

Anyway, I'm glad I got turned onto your blog, and I'll be reading.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 5:33 PM CDT

Name: Robyn

Jodi, to clarify,

I have respect for the preaching portly black dude who may or may not be handicapped. If my description of him led you to think I didn't, I assure you, my casual terms are just an indication of how I like to write as opposed to whether or not I respect. If you thought I didn't respect him because I had no interest in his intentions, well then you are just plain wrong. I don't disrespect people for simply having a difference of opinion about what is important. I tend to disrespect people who do selfish things at the expense of others/society/the environment... you know, like poachers, and Janet Jackson, and banks.

Hey Rance- I went to the zoo today and saw a real viper. She was the prettiest snake there, by far, and she could kill any drunk daddy who disobeyed the 'don't feed the snakes' sign. Why not give away RVPs (Real Viper Points)to those people who annoy you, and mail them a nice big one next X-mas? You already have to cover up your tracks as though you are a criminal, so you may as well start committing some crimes. I mean aside from that shirt! Ouch.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 6:28 PM CDT

Name: waxwing

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Here?s a left-eyed wink
From waxwing to you.
They say that the pen
Is mightier than sword,
But NO pirate, we know,
Would use a keyboard.

Une blague, comme moi, comme toi? Just because you are not Johnny Depp doesn?t mean you are une blague; and it does not mean I am one either.

Babelfish is getting a workout today, isn't it? And more doppelgangers mysteriously appear. Getting a bit fearsome. Everyone step out into the moonlight, c'mon now. See, nothing but bird bones here. And now for thee?

~waxwing

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 7:01 PM CDT

Name: betty

Thanks, zipit, Lora and Susanna, and everyone else...good to know I am not the only one feeling this way.

Good points, Lora, about celebrity in Rance's blog as well as his life being rather inevitable. and I agree. I also am glad so far that Rance's Rants have been largely undisturbed by this blossoming phenomenon - but seeing shades of things to come, I just really hope the gawker and other links leading to increased traffic & adoration don't somehow change the nature of the anti-celebrity/celebrity Rance (because it seems to me he embraces both ends of the spectrum) that I have so enjoyed reading here.

But I will stop beating my dead horse now. :)

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 9:27 PM CDT

Name: J. Depp

Hate to say this, what with the generosity of the offer,
but my inbox, reserved for email snatch shots, never opened
and doesn't exist. The gesture is appreciated, but c'mon.
Keep 'em to yourself. Or send them to Rancey boy.

Saturday, 17 April 2004 - 11:06 PM CDT

Name: Lora

Hi WendyJo: I would hope Scenario #2 would be more like Rance. It sounds more masculine.

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 2:08 AM CDT

Name: toodleoo

and i'm sure you know that hate can come from believing in that higher power too... just depends on whose rant is accepted at the time.

everyone has their views, and you're just as much dissing on her for her discomfort as she was on religion. you're free to say what you want - so is she.

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 2:12 AM CDT

Name: toodleoo

i'm sure the posterior smoochers are hoping that sand will create a pearl.

i agree with you - the comments fascinate me.

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 3:03 AM CDT

Name: Blargh

Tsk, tsk, Rance. Enlisting the aid of your sycophant audience for support against what, a few folks who question your motivation here? Bah. Of course you're going to get a flood of "Oh, Rance, you're so great, keep it up!" and "Oh, those trolls should be shot on sight" posts. The fact that you had to bolster your deflated ego with this latest blog post shows everyone what a true weenie and mama's basement dweller you really are.

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 12:20 PM CDT

Name: cheryl

Wendy Jo, funny funny! Do tell, Rance, A or B, or somewhere in between? Wendy Jo, what are your possible dating scenarios? Does he get his women from the pole, showering them with tens, twenties, and all of the drugs and alcohol they could possibly want? Or is he married to a supermodel, with four beautiful children, a Golden Retriever, and matching Volvos? What are the possibilities?

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 1:12 PM CDT

Name: Entranced

I have a question for you Mr. Rance. Now if you choose to answer, please do so with the understanding that I am not looking for biographical information or any particular insight, so there will be no need to begin with "I was born a poor black child." I ask this question only because from reading your musings and meanderings it appears that you are an intelligent and reasonably decent human being. Therefore the question that occurs to me is, "What's a nice guy like you doing in a business like this?"

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 1:27 PM CDT

Name: omgess

Joe Mama,
You are absolutely right! Rance is not even close to dreaming about being O! But then again,
nobody is (crying shame)!

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 1:45 PM CDT

Name: Michael Devenis

I work in the Aviation Industry as a teacher,training young people to be gov't certified technicians.In that position I have many contacts/friends in said industry and I wonder if you could comment on a recent rumour floating around.Since 9-11 it is no longer possible to travel anonymously,and one can no longer lock one's luggage due to inspection requirements.With this as a premise, is there any basis in fact for the rumour that several high profile female stars have arrived at their destinations and discovered their intimate undergarments(panties) missing? And is this why fractional ownership of private jets are popular among such folk?

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 4:34 PM CDT

Name: caitie

That is my reason for reading. Some people would sit and watch reality shows, I would rather read this. Rance you are actually quite interesting and I enjoy it imensly. Right now I dont even care if you are a celebrity or not. If you aren't you are a great writer and if you are cool. Keep entertaining us!

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 4:56 PM CDT

Name: Bard
Home Page: http://www.pabaah.com/images/celebs/celeb.htm

You make excellent points, CAD, as did cheryl and Naked Intrigued Empress below.

Of course, a consumer of entertainment products has the right to refuse to watch, listen, or buy as they choose. I never meant to suggest they did not. Additionally, I was not thinking about situations where the film, book, etc. centered on a debated political or social issue, in which case public debate and criticism is assumed, if not invited.

My previous comment addressed how I interpreted Rance's comment about being pilloried over a public comment he offered in some public context, which apparently had nothing to do with his work. I find John Q. Public's lack of tolerance for diversity disturbing in most cases, but it's escalating. Now, we see what are tantamount to organized blacklisting campaigns against entertainers who have been labeled "traitors against the State," because they criticized a government action or simply participated in a peace march. (See, e.g., link listed as my homepage.) In a country where free speech and debate is supposedly our most fundamental right, I find this sort of public reaction grossly disproportionate to the conduct or speech criticized. The misdirected fear and anger underlying this public attitude scares the shit out of me.

Cases such as that of "Hanoi Jane" and Vanessa "Dances With Machine Guns" Redgrave are extreme examples of celebrity political conduct. Should we equate those situations with calling the President a moron? Maybe we should ask the Dixie Chicks?




Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 4:58 PM CDT

Name: Bard
Home Page: http://www.pabaah.com/images/celebs/celeb.htm

You make excellent points, CAD, as did cheryl and Naked Intrigued Empress below.

Of course, a consumer of entertainment products has the right to refuse to watch, listen, or buy as they choose. I never meant to suggest they did not. Additionally, I was not thinking about situations where the film, book, etc. centered on a debated political or social issue, in which case public debate and criticism is assumed, if not invited.

My previous comment addressed how I interpreted Rance's comment about being pilloried over a personal opinion he offered in some public context, which apparently had nothing to do with his work. I find John Q. Public's lack of tolerance for diversity disturbing in most cases, but it's escalating. Now, we see what are tantamount to organized blacklisting campaigns against entertainers who have been labeled "traitors against the State," because they criticized a government action or simply participated in a peace march. (See, e.g., link listed as my homepage.) In a country where free speech and debate is supposedly our most fundamental right, I find this sort of public reaction grossly disproportionate to the conduct or speech criticized. The misdirected fear and anger underlying this public attitude scares the shit out of me.

Cases such as that of "Hanoi Jane" and Vanessa "Dances With Machine Guns" Redgrave are extreme examples of celebrity political conduct. Should we equate those situations with calling the President a moron? Maybe we should ask the Dixie Chicks?




Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 5:02 PM CDT

Name: I feel the need for a pseudonym, ye
Home Page: http://www.livejournal.com/~dark_is_the_sky

if you didn't know, there's a little blurb about you in this sunday's washington post (sunday source).

that is all.

::gaby::

^^^^^^^^
yeah, there's my name. now you can stalk me.

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 6:27 PM CDT

Name: Rance
Home Page: http://captainhoof.tripod.com/blog

Oh, you bought the thing about him dying? It was just for tax purposes (when dead, you pay none).

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 6:29 PM CDT

Name: God

Jodi, do you have any proof that I exist?

Regards,

God

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 6:36 PM CDT

Name: ProfesionalGorilla

Rance is clearly nowhere close to being idiot. This calls into question the validity of the rest of your comment.

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 7:06 PM CDT

Name: cheryl

Mr. "Depp",
Not to fear, I make no such offer. I was simply speaking on behalf of a few eager beavers here. Rance seems to have had a lifelong fill of all the cheap offers one man can stand, and we fear for his eyesight. We thought you might be able to help...

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 7:21 PM CDT

Name: ribbons

JOHNNY!
I found the _real_ Johnny Depp!
Oh, man, this is exciting. Can I have some of your regards too? Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeze!
Love you,
;)
ribbons

Sunday, 18 April 2004 - 11:41 PM CDT

Name: Emerald Sky

LOL. Le meme langue does not a doppelganger make, as we only speak for ourselves. Thanks for the fun, though, and coming to visit. Cool poem! (whoever you are ;-))

"Not believing shortens down horizons."
Hans Holzer

Monday, 19 April 2004 - 3:21 AM CDT

Name: v

indisgressions? is that some clever play on words thats I've missed, or did you not finish school? ;-)

anyway, to babygirlcrow - never put your email address anywhere on the net. there is software that scans over web pages picks up addresses and then sends spam galore - generally porn. it probably wasn't personal. just be more discrete with your address in future.

as for why i read - I'm bored at work, and check a couple of blogs everyday to pass the time (here and salampax). if there is a reason i keep coming back its because of the fascinating comments.

Monday, 19 April 2004 - 10:39 AM CDT

Name: WendyJo

Thank you muchly, I was inspired by the Rance-in-a-toilet-bowl comment. That one was hilarious. I would love it if someone would expand on the Ralph in the basement scenario. If I could make one request, I envision Ralph's basement walls are plastered with all of our comments. That way Ralph can walk around and talk to each of us. (While eating Cheetos).

In my mind's eye, I see Rance as more of scenario #2, only he is not desperate and he doesn't smell quite as bad.

And now for my serious comment, post this if you want, Rance, *cackle*

O.K., I guess I am finally on the same page you are.

The thrill of celebrity was the lure; now that your readership has increased nearly exponentially, you have achieved part of your target audience. You want us now to stop looking for your face, and instead listen to your words.

Here in my small corner of Ga, I am afraid you won't be moving many mountains, you may not even shock me that much, either. But I am reading, and I enjoy your blog, you are in my bookmarks and I click on your site every 3.5 minutes. What more can a guy ask for?

My overall opinion on the situation in L.A.: (and not to sound overly pessimistic)- As long as people are willing to sell their souls to those in power who lack souls, nothing will ever change. The most you can hope for is converting a few out of the many.

I love all the comments, even tho it is getting a bit crowded in this room (I raise my hand, I am guilty). You allow everyone in the choir to have a voice. Many sing the same song with slight differences (and very eloquently), some go off on another tangent with an angry rap; a couple are away in the corner singing something entirely different than the song at hand.

I think we are all ready for you to start really blogging again.

Till next time,
Guadalupe

Monday, 19 April 2004 - 11:39 AM CDT

Name: Rance
Home Page: http://captainhoof.tripod.com/blog

Bard, thanks for your articulate statement of the case. Note: Although it merits being posted twice, the doublepost(which would require a surgeon to excise) is a funtion of the tripod.whatever comment feature, which, at a certain point (60+ comments?) becomes like Frankenstein just before they kiled him. Bard, at some point please detail your bard apprenticeship. Your many fans here are curious.

Monday, 19 April 2004 - 12:12 PM CDT

Name: babygirlcrow

Hello V,
I know about the software..however it wasn't my e-mail addy it was someone else they just used my name....and it is personal!

Monday, 19 April 2004 - 12:56 PM CDT

Name: crusty
Home Page: http://crusty.bloggedup.com/

(My reason for reading is that I'm a celebrity obsessed webwonk...)

I can just picture a web based game show where celebrities write a weblog anonymously and a pool of geeks and fanboys like those of us posting here compete to stay on the panel by guessing who it might be. The most ludicrous guesses get eliminated by vote of the anonymous celeb. The winner gets to sit three tables away at some celebrity eatery while salivating over every forkful that the celeb puts in their mouth.

I can also feel a little bit of my soul being chipped away just for writing that.

Monday, 19 April 2004 - 2:46 PM CDT

Name: betty

It is possible, J. Depp, that if you are not you, you may be Skeet Ulrich.

Monday, 19 April 2004 - 2:54 PM CDT

Name: betty

Ah yes Shelley...
I am sure Rance knew at the outset that this blog would attract people looking for a celebrity to virtually "hang" with.

So...
is Rance a guy who wants attention because he is a non-celebrity pretending to be an anonymous celebrity? perhaps an assistant or a Q-list actress such as myself (I should note that I too am privy to much of the information, or stories like it, on this blog too by virtue of my just being in the field)?

Or is he really a celebrity seeking anonymity from which to snipe at the trappings of fame?

I don't know, but in either case, I like his blog. :)


Monday, 19 April 2004 - 4:51 PM CDT

Name: betty

hey Joe,

So far as I am aware, the only claim that Rance was Owen Wilson came from Gawker...not Rance.

Faithful readers know that Rance is not Owen. Rance insinuates that he is A-list, and Owen, while cute, is B-list, at best.

Hope that helped. ;)

Tuesday, 20 April 2004 - 9:56 PM CDT

Name: Not to be an ass ...

...but I'm going to be. It's 1600 Pennsylvania. Stop miseducating the impressionable youth.

Wednesday, 21 April 2004 - 12:52 AM CDT

Name: Lora

Hi WendyJo,

here is my attempt on the Ralph in the basement scenario. But when I wrote it I think it came out much darker then what I had in mind... (Rance, sorry if it is too long).

It?s 7:00 pm EST and Ralph, 37,a hairy man with a big round belly is cooped up in the basement of his mother?s house eagerly typing away on the keyboard. His eyes twitch from the bright light of the computer monitor. He has been starring for hours at the screen eagerly surfing the web for a new riddle. Ralph: ?Shall I do a joke or riddle? Let?s see what google has to offer? Polar Bear?hmm. Yeah? what color is the polar bear?swell? really swell?.
Suddenly there are FOOTSTEPS coming down to the basement, a creaky sound at the door. An 80 year old WOMAN in white hair looking a bit like Barbara Bush enters. ?Ralphie boy? time for your supper?.
Ralph: ?Don?t call me that. My name is Rance.
Barbara ?Oh c?mon Ralphie. I made you a really good spam sandwich.
Ralph: ?I don?t like spam. I like burgers?.
Barbara: ?No burgers tonight. Got to watch your weight.?
Ralph: ?Well I guess I have to swing by Fatburgers then.
Barbara: ?Aren?t you ever going to be tired of Fatburgers?
Ralph: ?No, I am a ham and I like burgers!?
Barbara turns away with a ?Whatever? and proceeds back upstairs.
Ralph: ?What color is the polar bear? hmmm? No clue but I?ll put it up anyways and see how many people will come up with the same answer??
Footsteps can be heard again and then a KNOCK.
Ralph: ?What now??
It?s HAL & VINNY, looking like two potatoe heads, Hal has lost his hair however, and his skin has been flaking off like parmesan cheese. In a perfect chorus: ?Hey Ralphie, what you up??
Ralph acknowledge them for a second then turns his attention back to the computer screen. Hal & Vinny: ?We were wondering if we could use your basement for a shag.?
Ralph doesn?t answer.
Hal & Vinny: ?We want to play the casting couch potato game.?
Ralph: ?Sure, go right ahead. Am off to Fatburgers and the Chateau Marmot.
Hal: ?Cool, Janet I suppose.?
Vinny: ?Wonder if you ever make it inside the premises?.
Ralph: ?Well, one of these days I will. Looks like at the rate my blog is going I probably will sooner or later meet the real Janet and she?ll be so smitten by me that she will never let me go?. Ralph shuts off his computer monitor and spins around to face them. Hal & Vinny give Ralph a mischievous smile ?Cool?.
Ralph: ?The place is all yours boys. Have fun with one of life?s greatest pleasure...?
Hal & Vinny: ?Right on dude?.

Outside Ralph opens the door to his old beaten up, red Fort Escort: ?Dodge Viper here I come? and steps in. Soon he?s off to Sunset Blvd in the direction of the luxurious hotel Chateau Marmot. On the radio is the tune to Salt-N-Peppa's ?Let?s Talk about Sex?. Ralph sings along and snips his fingers ?Let?s talk about sex baby, let?s talk about you and me?. He comes to a screeching halt in front of the hotel and jumps out.
Ralph: ?Janet, oh Janet here I come?. He has reached a high fence, which protects the hotel premise from the outside world. Ralph tries to get a better look. Like a goose, he stretches his neck and head as far as he can, while holding on with his hairy hands to the tip of the fence. On the other side is JANET, an Italian Venus bathing naked with a group of Hollywood celebs, among them Mel Gibson and Monica Bellucci?
Ralph: ?Janet, oh Janet?. He becomes misty eyed at her beauty and begins to whack off when suddenly out of nowhere a COP appears. Cop: ?Hey, what you doing there?? Ralph spins around surprised. His hands still holding onto his most precious part. Cop: ?I could arrest you for indecent conduct in a public place? Ralph?s heart beats quickly. He zips up his pants as fast as he can and runs away. Cop: ?Next time, go fuck yourself somewhere else, moron!? Ralph jumps into the Escort and speeds away. Ralph: ?Phew, that was close.?

Next, Ralph comes to a halt in front of Fatburgers. He jumps out and proceeds inside. A juke box is playing Goin' Out Of My Head by Teddy Randazzo and Bobby Weinstein.
Ralph proceeds to order a burger with onion fries. Once his order is up he begins to eagerly swallow down the burger, his cheeks chewing the white bread. He has a big appetite. Ralph: ?Ah, good, mmm?.yes, baby!? Others turn to stare at him in disbelieve. They shake their heads at Ralph?s orgasmic behavior. Ralph looks around himself. Ralph: ?Sorry, can?t help it. This stuff is simply swell.?

Next Kato Kaelin enters the joint. Kato: ?Hey, Ralph, what?s up?. Ralph: ?Kato! My man?good to see yaw.? Kato walks in a slick motion like he?s doing the catwalk runway. Kato: ?Got some good news. Found the best massage parlor in town and you boy are gonna get one tonight.? Ralph?s eyes brighten up. Ralph: ?Seriously? You?re the man Kato?. Kato: ?Hey, what can I say, the babe?s dig me??.

Once inside the massage parlor, OLGA a Russian blonde who used to be a former KGB officer appears. ?Kato good to see you? and who do we have here??. Kato introduces Ralph to Olga.
Olga: ?We?ve got Gaby for you. She?s a Cuban beauty queen. Ralph?s eyes widen in pleasant surprise. Olga: ?Here?s a Cuban cigar? enjoy yourself??
She pushes the cigar into Ralph's mouth and then leads him into a separate room. Inside Gaby is cleaning off the massage chair, which has been soiled by puke. Gaby looks up. Ralph is surprised because he expected a Spanish goddess but instead it?s a petite Vietnamese woman with long fingernails and bright red lipstick. Gaby ?Take off shirt and pants? Ralph: ?What?? Gaby: ?Take off?. She motions him to take off his cloth. Ralph hesitates because of the satanic looking fingernails. Gaby getting angry ?Take off shirt and pants?. I have drink for you?? Ralph: ?Ah, no thanks got to watch the weight?. He proudly pats himself on his belly. Gaby comes over and before Ralph realizes it she has made a deep cut into his shirt and pants with her razor sharp fingernails. Ralph: ?Wow? Gaby: ?Lie down? She motions him to lie down and because Ralph feels a bit intimidated he follows her instruction. She returns with a glass of a white yogurt-like shake. Gaby: ?Drink. Good for you. It?s soya.? Ralph hesitates. Gaby: ?Drink please.? She pushes the drink under his nose. The drink has a sweet smell to it and Ralph takes a sip. It?s quite tasty so he drinks down the entire content and burps. Gaby gives him a look. Ralph: ?Sorry but this was swell?. Gaby nods and then proceeds with the massage. Ralph closes his eyes and tries to imagine Janet. Ralph: ?Janet, oh Janet?. Feeling warm and fuzzy inside he begins to drift off? when suddenly he breaks out into a sweat. Sweating profusely his skin color changes to purple and he begins to fart. Ralph: ?Oh shit, what?s happening?? He jumps up and eyes Gaby with fear. Gaby: ?Come here my boy. Now comes the best part?? And before Ralph knows what is happening Gaby has jumped him and is lying face down on top of him? Ralph: ?Good grief!?

Eight hours later having had an all nighter with Gaby, Ralph is back in his mother?s basement lying in bed with the blanket pulled up to his nose starring holes into the ceiling. Above, one floor up, is Barbara surfing the web and laughing hysterically. The monitor light flickers in her face. Barbara talking to herself keeps clicking away with the mouse then begins to type.
Barbara: ?You?re full of shit, Rance? I say full of shit. I?ll write now your Farewell Appea-Rance and take it from there? My next entry will be the Casting Couch Potatoes?? She continues her hysterical laugh while sending off her message into cyber space.

The alarm on the bookshelf clatters noisily at 9 AM. Rance tumbles out of bed, still half drunk from that bender the night before. His face is grizzled with 3 days worth of growth, fleckled with gray. He shoves a morning cigarette between his lips, lights it, and tosses on a rather pungent bath robe over his Fruit-of-the-Loom t-shirt/boxer short combo. His pores reek of out-of-work-actor desperation and Coty musk for men.

He shuffles into his slippers to his condo kitchenette, and pours himself some cold, day-old coffee from the Mr.Coffee brewer. He heats it in the microwave for a minute, and pours in a good jolt of whiskey. He sits at his dinette table, smoking and sipping his coffee, and plans out his day. 15 minutes later he shuffles back to his dark bedroom and flicks on his computer screen. Rance: ?Man, what a fucking nightmare I had last night?what a fucking nightmare...?



Wednesday, 21 April 2004 - 11:30 AM CDT

Name: Rance
Home Page: http://captainhoof.tripod.com/blog

Wow, Lora. You are a) spending twice as much time as me on this blog; b) clearly spying on me.

Wednesday, 21 April 2004 - 12:35 PM CDT

Name: Lora

If you give me the Dodge Viper I'll stop writing.

Wednesday, 21 April 2004 - 12:53 PM CDT

Name: WendyJo

Lora, that was absolutely great!! We have found Rance now....Thanks! I hope people come back here and read it..

Wednesday, 21 April 2004 - 1:29 PM CDT

Name: Lora

PS Ralph: I forgot to mention that it has to be the Dodge Viper, not the Ford Escort...

Wednesday, 21 April 2004 - 7:45 PM CDT

Name: neverwrong

Oh Betty,
Take another look and give your head a shake if need be!

Thursday, 22 April 2004 - 3:19 AM CDT

Name: The Novelist
Home Page: http://Please do not post *

Dearest Rance,
In reply to your most sensible query: I would prefer my posts not to be posted as I get a real kick out of privacy - the exchanges then become a kind of palimpsest or note handed under a table rather than a dull old al fresco thing. I'm out of town doing meetings. First one was very excellent indeed, and then lawyers, and then another meeting. My feet were bleeding as I wore a new pair of sexy black slipper mule things yesterday that crushed my toes to a pulp. So today I hobbled about in a pair of comfortable black patent leather winklepickers, smiling through gritty winces, my shoulders uneven as last night I slept on a mattress that was seemingly stuffed with dead rats and golf balls. I am staying in the rather romantic pink-and-white high-up inner-city apartment of a political science lecturer friend who is over at her sister's. The twilit cityscape is so beautiful and at night, the sky is a shimmer of bats. In short: all was perfectly perfect until I slowly creaked out of bed this morning, moaning for all the wrong reasons. Hunchbacked, I then had to look confident with magazine editors as my shoes slowly filled with blood. Added to which, I had dinner at a swanky joint last night w/ a world-famous philosopher chum who had the gall to inform me that my face is now "chubby". I weigh 125 pounds and am 5'7". How can I have a "chubby" face? Admittedly, I have never had anything approximating high cheekbones, but I ask you: chubby? He then took a pic on his digital camera. My head looked like Jupiter.
Yours,
Chubby M
P.S. Are you balding?





Sunday, 25 April 2004 - 3:52 PM CDT

Name: AdaVeen

"I am the shadow of the waxwing slain
by the false azure of the window-pane..."

The question so many will ask, now, is are you the shadow, or are you the bird?

Either way, nice name.

-AdaVeen

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 12:37 PM CDT

Name: waxwing

Apologies, AdaVeen, I just saw your post today (30 Apr)
As for my name: I learned of "Pale Fire" years after I became waxwing, and many more years after reading of Icarus and Daedalus. My name is not related to either of those sources. There are other "waxwings" in the world (secretly annoys the hell out of me) but I am always "w" not "W". Just a humble little birdy...or shadow. btw, one of my email addresses is waxwing_shadow, but it is merely a nod to Nabokov. It is an interesting poem, is it not?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 12:36 AM CDT

Name: Jed

How many hollywood types are something besides John Kerry supporters? It seems like there is a lack of tolerance for anything but the democratic party in hollywood... Is being a republican or libertarian a strike against you?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 8:22 PM CDT

Name: Chunky Webster

Wow. You make a mistake on the address of the White House, and people write in, and suggest it's some clever ploy.

I suppose you can skip spell-check or grammar check from now on, because any typos will be examined by the swooning masses, looking for hidden meaning/insight.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 10:23 PM CDT

Name: anyone11

Barbra Streisand was educated in the School of Hard Knocks, I suppose, but she's only completed High School. No college. Not that college degrees confer brains. Perhaps you're a phony, but your comment on how educated Streisand is indicates you might actually be a movie star. Who knows?

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 8:45 PM CDT

Name: Percy John
Home Page: http://none

we all live in our own versions, at least in your version you're aware that the people are dressing up as your characters.

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