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Rance wuz here...
Monday, 29 December 2003
Call me Rance.
My life is boring and not worth writing about, except for my knowledge of one thing. So this blog will focus on that thing. It is, for lack of a better word, celebrity. I stumbled onto it by a series of chance events. Suffice it to say, I can tell you what it's like to see your picture on the magazine rack every now and again when you pay for groceries. And that'll have to suffice. I'd like this to be the sort of account afforded only by anonymity. And it that happens, if my identity were revealed, I'd quickly be selling grapefruits -- instead of paying $14 a pop to eat them -- on Sunset Blvd.

First, I will address the first two things you're wondering, if you're like most people: 1. What's it like to be famous? 2. Do you know Paris Hilton?

1. Have you ever tossed a scrap of bread into a duck pond and seen all the ducks all pounce on it? Being well-known, particularly in Hollywood (by that, I mean everywhere within 50 miles of Hollywood), is like being the scrap of bread. That having been said, I enjoy bread sometimes.

2. I have never met Ms. Hilton, though I've been at the same bar as her (then again, who hasn't?). This question, incidentally, has recently supplanted "Do you know Britney Spears?" as the number one most popular Do-you-know. Britney was on top for a good year-and-a-half, the all-time record. Rounding out the top five (in no particular order): Cameron Diaz, Tom Cruise, Ben and Matt, and Kato Kaelin. Of the above, I will say that I have met Kato twice (painful though it will be, someday in this space, I'll devote an entry to the phenomenon of his celebrity, and what it says about celebrity.) Why doesn't anybody ever ask me if I know or have met any famous scientists or humanitarians? The explanation, at least partially, may be the same as why I will now bring this morning's entry to a close: the daily appointment with fitness that is one of the most critical elements of my Facade Maintenance Program (FMP). I'd rather write the screenplay for "Kato: The Weeklong Mini-Series" than lift weights and run, but I've been convinced that the results can mean a difference in hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not my employment altogether.

Later, R

Posted by captainhoof at 3:49 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, 20 January 2004 12:16 PM CST
Post Comment | View Comments (30) | Permalink

Monday, 29 December 2003 - 5:11 PM CST

Name: Jojojo

Can you give us any details about your personal trainer workout?

Monday, 29 December 2003 - 5:20 PM CST

Name: ExStaci

Who of the non-Kato stars do you know?

Monday, 29 December 2003 - 6:03 PM CST

Name: Jaguardriver

Is Captain Hoof, by chance, a reference to one of your roles?

Monday, 29 December 2003 - 6:22 PM CST

Name: William
Home Page:

Have you met any famous scientists or humanitarians? I think that would be the best part of being a celebrity is the chance to meet these wonderful people. Of course I'm not familier with the downsides of celebrity except the lack of privacy and expectations of the public must be a large burden. Would you trade it for a different life if such were possible?
Best wishes,
William :)

Monday, 12 January 2004 - 8:45 PM CST

Name: Bonni
Home Page:

Your second point leads me to comment. Recently, I became shockingly aware of the fierce influence that celebrities in entertainment hold in the political arena. For instance, as reported by CNN in mid-2002, Julia Roberts appealed before Congress on behalf of a group seeking $15.5 to treat Rhett Syndrome. A Breakpoint article that I read tonight, entitled "Star Power and Suffering Children," cited several other similar instances. Anyway, you may be familiar with the practice of celebrity testimony in the political system. Really, it shouldn't have been so much of a surprise to me as the practice has been going on for some time now -- hello, can we all say "Christopher Reeve"?

You may have opportunities in the future to use your influence in such a manner. I am convinced that the system's not right -- forgive me, but I think that very few entertainment celebrities have the knowledge or background to offer true "expert" testimony in political matters -- but as long as it is messed up like this, you'd might as well make the most of the occasion and use your celebrity wisely. It's a responsibility that I'm glad not to have!!

And that's my two cents' worth. :-D

What are your thoughts on the fact that celebrity almost always yields influence? How do you hope to use yours? What gives you the courage to keep going to work in the morning when you know that, by doing so, you're feeding your ever growing pet Responsibility-monster? (It's fuzzy and orange, if you were wondering.)

Yeah, so humanitarians and scientists. More power to them!!

Friday, 19 March 2004 - 1:47 AM CST

Name: troublemaker

the memorable person i ever met was never an actor even though he's been on films.

he was a character

he was the only guy who had ever got kicked out of the most friendliest pub around only because he decided to get naked and dance just because the music told him so.

he drew me pictures on discarded printer paper he found in the dust bin and sell them to me for a fiver. if i didn't have a fiver i gave him my smokes and we'd talked. he was happy with the latter even though i have 'party ears' and he mumbled half the fucking time.

he smelt like dirt and beer but never like shit and piss.

he told a story on film ab-lib of his companion dying in his arms and no one realized he was telling the truth until much later.

he was homeless, an alcoholic. he used to be "successful". when i knew him he was in his sixties. kids go up to him and his whole face lit up like a christmas tree in glee, pulling out bits of crayons and pennies and toys from his numerous pockets

he was like everyone's William S. Burroughs, Ken Kesey and Bacuccus.

he wouldn't do a film unless you bought him crown royal. he was late a total diva but he asked for nothing else.

the last time i saw him he shuffled all bent and didn't remember who i was. he looked spent. he looked empty.

he eventually died a few years ago. his body gave out

he was bigger than life, lower than anyone else would dare to go, he was real, totally (in)sane, and he knew what i was and told me so.

it took me years later before i even dared to believe him.

play time is over,

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 3:50 PM CDT

Name: daen
Home Page:

"Why doesn't anybody ever ask me if I know or have met any famous scientists or humanitarians?"

Aage Bohr, perhaps?

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 3:29 PM CDT

Name: fixxrr1

using dads name ron

Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 3:42 PM CDT

Name: Darkwaters

That is a beautiful piece.
Reminds me of what it might have felt like to run into Bukowski.
I look forward to reading more.


Thursday, 27 May 2004 - 9:10 PM CDT

Name: Jessica

What's so great about being a celebrity anyway? Not everyone would feel inclined to ask you if you know people.

I just wanted to commend you for keeping up with the blogging. All too often people with something interesting to say just stop writing.

I'm leaving this comment in your first post not only because the masses are leaving comments in the more recent post but because I thought you'd like to know that I enjoyed reading some of your older posts and took the time to read further back.

Cheers, Jessica.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:22 AM CDT

Name: 811

Dear Rance,

I am also leaving you a comment on your first blog entry because I've only discovered your blog today and I have to read it from the start. You have made the headline entertainment news in New Zealand today. That's something, you know, coz no one in New Zealand has a clue who William Hung is but they know you now. In NZ, the latest celebrity is a sheep called "Shrek" that escaped being shorn for the past 6 years.

I wanna thank you for entertaining people like me, with boring desk jobs - I have nothing much to do here so I kill office hours by surfing the net. Not bad eh, I get paid good money for it.

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 3:41 AM CDT

Name: Vic M.

have you ever dictated your life story into the flight recorder, cruising on autopilot at 39,000 feet somewhere over the pacific ocean?

what would jesus not do?

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 11:36 AM CDT

Name: matt dwonch
Home Page:

interesting... thats all i am gona say

Friday, 28 May 2004 - 5:22 PM CDT

Name: amy beth
Home Page:

did you ever meet artist amy beth payne? she's awesome. at least i think so.

Saturday, 29 May 2004 - 8:54 PM CDT

Name: Jack Kerouac

Feeding bread to ducks can kill them. How ironic justa little!

I know how you feel I'm turning 40 and all these things are turning up.About life mortality and the whole concept of being here. Hey the indian ocean is cool this time of the year dont you think?

Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 5:14 AM CDT

Name: tser
Home Page:

You know Rance,

There is truly no better life on planet earth
Then a Virtual shadow Life
It let's you write down your dreams
Create your dreams,
Mix them with the real world

Stir it upside down
Move things in and out
And yet, knowing all the facts
Change all what is virtuality
Into the reality

Yes, this world is full of wonders ;)
I hope you enjoy your stay
As a friend, from this world,
You do not know, me.

Be Aware though,
That any move you made
any word you settle
Changes the vision of humankind

Guard your self,
Be prepared
to Once, Cross the borderline
Of what is here, and what is not

Like As the Mist did arrive
Put your life in the mystery
Turned people to your site,
It must let you wonder
"Can I still hide??

Trust me, virtual spoken
The Darkness has not yet awoken
You can hide writing on the magic wand
In this virtual land

Enjoy the waves of Freedom
Enjoy the last free place on earth
Enjoy the Changing Tides
Enjoy it, and be rewarded

,, For the things you always wanted to do,
For that things wanted you.
For that to do
For you. ''


Sunday, 30 May 2004 - 3:48 PM CDT

Name: R. Penn
Home Page:

Hello Rance!

I recently discovered your blog site, and I find your observations and writing quite entertaining. Your site is beginning to garner a considerable amount of attention,and speculation. If your anonymity should be compromised in the future, will you still continue to update this blog, or will the loss of your anonymity be the death of this blog?

Anyway, keep up the writing!

Friday, 4 June 2004 - 4:24 AM CDT

Name: Sheryll

Rance, you're Matt Dillon, aren't you?

Friday, 10 September 2004 - 11:30 AM CDT

Name: MsWillmaWonka
Home Page:

HEY! You started this on my 26th birthday! That's wicked cool! ;)~

Friday, 24 September 2004 - 8:49 PM CDT

Name: kittella


are you still reading the comments? i must say you've got one of the more interesting blogs on the internet, and i've read many. too bad i came in after you've decided to call it quits. looks like a lot of people got really attached and vice versa. makes me kind of miss the little internet community thing that i was so obsessed with a couple of years ago. really sucks you in, huh? :) so how's life treatin ya? i'm sure it's more fun than mine... but probably just as exhausting. i would kill for some fun right about now. anyway..

take care of yourself,

Saturday, 25 September 2004 - 7:34 AM CDT

Name: busta van duglez
Home Page: http://n/a

bukowski what have frmly throttled your ass in the mug untill yuor knees buckled; at that point he'd a let go and resumed the drink you interuppted you from. He wasnt gay but would've nonetheless not understood why you still carry his dick inyour face. he's gone- never without- except for oyu...he'd a hated you

Monday, 3 January 2005 - 2:58 PM CST

Name: testing


Monday, 16 February 2009 - 8:42 AM CST

Name: "gibader"
Home Page:

your problam discuse already. If you want find something about use search engine

Saturday, 3 October 2009 - 4:37 AM CDT

Name: "HenryBee"
Home Page:

I think, I've seen quit—ƒ similar post on another resource.

Friday, 20 November 2009 - 10:35 AM CST

Name: "crazyguy"
Home Page:

Like your site, I will bookmark it.

Friday, 18 December 2009 - 6:01 AM CST

Name: "Solly"
Home Page:

I liked very much to read, you write well! Thanks!

Wednesday, 6 January 2010 - 4:08 PM CST

Name: "George"

great rapidshare seearch tool man, but some files i downloaded required a rar password to unlock i got it and was able to extract

Thursday, 27 May 2010 - 11:15 AM CDT

Name: "juliya"
Home Page:

This is very good information at this post and its very useful for me thanks for this one...

Tuesday, 22 June 2010 - 2:05 PM CDT

Name: "rapidshare"
Home Page:

That is a beautiful piece.
Reminds me of what it might have felt like to run into Bukowski.
I look forward to reading more.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011 - 12:56 PM CDT

Name: "filesonic"
Home Page:

Have you met any famous scientists or humanitarians? I think that would be the best part of being a celebrity is the chance to meet these wonderful people. Of course I'm not familier with the downsides of celebrity except the lack of privacy and expectations of the public must be a large burden. Would you trade it for a different life if such were possible?
Best wishes,

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