Thursday, 19 May 2005 - 7:17 PM CDT
Ok, RDD, here's the rest of my answers.
1. My Grandfather was a decorated WWII vet, and requested a military funeral. But he lived way out in the boonies, and apparently the honor guard was in short supply... anyhow, we ended up with these 5 ancient codgers who could barely stand, let alone hold a gun, for the services. Four of them fired their rifles in the air five time, then one did one more times (for the 21 gun salute) while the oldest hobbled up the hill to a gazebo. Apparently, they couldn't find a bugle player (bugler? buglist?) to play "Taps", so they compromised on a tape recording. But no one thought to check the batteries. So poor sweet old guy is up there on the hill with a portable tape player turned up to full volume, completely oblivious to the fact that the dying batteries are making the bugle sound like a herd of dying elephants.
For our non-American friends who may not know what "Taps" sounds like, go to http://www.usafband.com/recording.cfm?start=31 scroll down to bugle calls. Traditionally played at military funerals. Now, imagine that haunting tune being slowed down, drawn out and distorted...
bum ba baAHahAhahAHahAHHHHHahAHahAHahAHHHHHHHHHHH
If you've ever heard a tape playing on dying batteries, you'll understand.
The first five minutes were absolute torture-everyone looking around, desperately sending telepathic messages that SOMEONE should run up the hill and stop the poor guy- but by the next ten it was just funny. Grandpa would've found it pretty funny, too.
2. "Jehovah of armies has sworn by his own soul, ‘I will fill you with men, like the locusts, and they will certainly sing forth over you a shout.’"
3. Erm, no. And I prefer to keep it that way, thanks.
4. In his ponytail
6. I always thought it was an abbreviation of "hoodlum", from a German word meaning "disorderly", but I like your theory better.
7. I have, thankfully, so far avoided consuming fried compacted bait.
8. "I guess they didn't get my fax."